I've talked to him twice now. And I still haven't talked about his email (my 'dear john' ltr). I want to know if this is another 'ploy.' I mean obviously I know how DBing works and honestly he is the one that needs to be on here...I'm the WAway afterall.
I don't know what my next step should be. We were scheduled to take the kids to the counselor next week so they could discuss what's been going on. But if it is time to break up the family and for us to separate the counseling session would take a different turn. I don't know if I should take him at his word that he's ready to proceed or if I should wait and see if he's going to change his mind again.
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
doodi, he needs to know what is going on in your head, the honesty because he sounds very confused and scared and obviously does not know about DB or else i can assume he would try it. but what do you want him to do? do you want him to tell you to walk? i doubt that and besides it sounds like you guys do have love your both just hesitant in letting the other know it. a leap of faith needs to be made by both of you. i would think he is trying to give you what he thinks you want. he does not want it and is probably trying to give you what he thinks you want.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
doodi, he needs to know what is going on in your head, the honesty because he sounds very confused and scared and obviously does not know about DB or else i can assume he would try it. but what do you want him to do? do you want him to tell you to walk? i doubt that and besides it sounds like you guys do have love your both just hesitant in letting the other know it. a leap of faith needs to be made by both of you. i would think he is trying to give you what he thinks you want. he does not want it and is probably trying to give you what he thinks you want.
I have told him over and over and over. I don't know if you know my whole story or not but I didn't start talking about leaving until he kept forcing me to make decisions. I have told him that I believe there is still love in my heart but the walls I've built are high. I have told him that I don't trust him with my emotions. I have told him all the horrors in my brain (against my better judgment at times) and he still questions me.
He admitted once that he starts these arguments to force me to say ILY or that I care. And I have to admit that I fall for it everytime. I'm so worried about being the bad guy. I'm so worried about trying to get him to validate what I'm saying to just see my side of things that eventually I lose control. Then I get mad at myself for allowing the situation to get so out of control.
I feel like I go through this every week. I told him out our last MC that it was every 6 days, he'd tell me that we're done and that it was time to proceed. Next would come the tears, fussing, defending, explaining and finally submitting. I would agree that I'd proceed and then he would change his mind again. As I type this I realize he broke the 6 day pattern...it's been 9 days this time (but he's not here right now).
I will admit that I am not SURE that the love is there but we have been together for 20+ yrs there has to be, doesn't there. That's what my brain keeps telling me. The only constant identifiable emotion is FEAR. Not always fear as in physical just fear of the unknown, fear of the roller-coaster, fear of losing control, etc.
I try to keep control over myself but I always get played like a fiddle. He can manipulate me so easily and I never see it until I'm alone and thinking things over. You know the drill 20/20 hindsight.
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
How would you respond if he told you that, Doodie? To walk? That he was done trying?
All 3 times he has said it, my knee-jerk reaction is to fight him and prove why we should keep fighting. Then after the yelling subsides (on both sides), I have agreed. An hour or two passes and then he comes back to say that's not what he wants.
Right now, I'm supposed to be working on myself. And we're not supposed to be working on the M/R. But it doesn't seem to work with us in the same house. How can you be in the same house, eat, sleep and spend every non-working minute together, but NOT work on the M.
I have continued with the MC. I've listened when he wanted to talk, done some 180's in regards to a few of his complaints, but he wants more and I'm not ready to give it. I feel like if I give too much more that I will fall back into the old routine. The more I do for him...the faster I'm losing me
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
i think he just acts upon impulse, i find it hard to believe he does it just to have you feel weak. fro what you have typed he is not a vindictive person, he just has alot of fear. for 20 years it is love, no amount of doing for another person would make a person stay that long. trust me, me and the misses have just wrapped up 27 yrs and wow, we did in fact go thru just this phase. i was very much like your husband and my wife was at your point. never did i see what i had done for 22 yrs and then out of the blue she told me, i caught on and our marriage is stronger than ever, we moved due to new job and the new location has been great. we have a wonderful church and friends here that we never had in our home town. hang tough sister an it will all work out. i can read you love this gentleman and he loves you too. things get rocky and right now you need to bring your boat into the harbor and dock.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
i think if you are in mc and he is willing then he understands, a strong marriage will be worked on by both, do not judge his lack of attempt or trying because you cannot see immediate change. i believe he is just trying in his way to cope, i do not think he wants the woman back that did things to make others happy. i would guarantee he likes the stronger doodi. i also would bet he gets it, he just hasnt been able to show it because you still have your reservations. once you see you are ready to rock and roll and move this marriage to the next level, he will be on board for sure.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
You know if there was a way for me to move out and stay in the same city, I would be gone. But that's not my reality, so the disruption to my kids and the reality of the move makes me pause.
In my head the decision is made...we need time apart so we can grow. But he said he wanted us to stay so he could be with the kids. He said that he could keep his emotions in check and give me the space I needed so that we could both be there for the kids. When it became to much for him then we would leave, so that's why I'm waiting for him to make a decision.
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
