Bustorama-Thread 1

[NotFromThesePart]

Why is she pissed off about the new Busto and calling me Mr. Perfect??? What's that all about?

Because she thinks "Why couldn't he have been like this before? Before my breakdown. It is what I wanted. Now that we are apart he is doing the right stuff. He did this to me. He must really have hated me to purposefully hurt me this way."

It is the miranda rights of DBing "Everything you do can and will be used against you".

[bustorama]

OK, ya, I get that for sure. What do I do about it? Just keep it up, and hope she works through her resentment/hurt? I'm not flaunting anything, just being the better Busto. I also don't throw her under the bus to anyone (the opposite, if anything).

[NotFromThesePart]

Keep being Mr. Perfect if it is what you want. If she can't deal with you being who you want to be, how is that your problem? Why do you have to DO anything about it?

If someone called me "Mr. Perfect" I'd probably respond something like "Thanks. I'm not there yet, I've got 2 more lbs to lose and I'm not quite done with my novel yet, but I should have the draft to the editor by Thanksgiveing".

[bustorama]

Good perspective, NFTP. Heh

Pearl, re: why I wasn't that way before. Combination of many factors -- personal failings, failure to control self, failure to respect boundaries, self-indulgence, selfishness, insecurity, depression, my own resentment/anger/hurt from her previous CB. After the bomb, I looked at myself in the mirror, Pearl, and saw the ugliness that she saw and felt and have worked hard to try to improve myself.

I unfortunately cannot time travel to undo my actions. In terms of "doing," I had been thinking what can I DO to make the new me more appealing and less hurtful to her? But, I totally agree with your correction. I am not responsible for her perception of me or her feelings about me. Those are hers, and I should not seek to control them. I yam what I yam.

[pearlharbr]

Busto, I wasn't judging you, just speaking from your W's perspective.

No one can go back and undo things. We all have things we would change if we could. But it does take a long time to come to terms with your spouse's affair. BF and I have had many convos on this subject. He can't change the past and I can't forget it.

I would agree with your plan to apologize for the EA when she brings it up for now. If she continues to throw it in your face then you'll need to talk about agreeing to leave the past where it is and move forward. It's the difference between forgiving and forgetting. I will never forget what BF did but I have agreed to move forward with him so that means I have agreed to leave his affair in the past and not continue to beat him up about it.

FWIW, I think it's good to apologize and ask for forgiveness. BF didn't do that directly for a long time and I was very angry and upset about this. In fact, it's one of the reasons that I still question our R and do not feel like we are reconciled. I'm not suggesting that you go melty man on your W, but do make sure to clearly ask for her forgiveness if/when she feels the time is right. Once. Then don't bring it up again.

Overall I think you're on the right path. Focus on you, GAL, quietly work on being the best Busto you can be.

[FaithnAK]

Busto,

How many times have you apologized to her?

Have you told her if you could go back in time and undo all the mistakes that you would?

You've offered her transparency, you are NOT doing the same old CB. Do you really need to keep saying sorry? Your actions now and in the future should show her.

It's ok to apologize to her through validation, but not when she's trying to make you feel bad. "Nobody likes me and my life sucks and woe woe woe is me...ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!" NO, it isn't.
It's not all your fault Busto. You made your mistakes, just like she has. Don't beat YOURSELF up for those mistakes YOU made. You've owned that responsibility and you are fixing yourself. What is she doing to fix her?

You can't make her forgive and forget. YOU just can't! That's her choice and a tough one.

When you wake up each day and look in the mirror are you happy about what you have become? Are you happy that you stopped all your CB and put it behind you and are moving forward to make sure that you NEVER travel down that ugly path again?

Let her express her feelings to you and continue to understand why she feels that way. However, DO NOT try to fix her feelings by apologizing. Just continue with your changes and be the Rock that you were not before. That to me means more than apologizing all the time.

Personally, I think you are doing a fantastic job. If you just stand behind the new Busto and continue to better yourself each day, you command your own self-respect. That respect creates a ripple that makes her respect you. You are leading.

She's looking for holes in your new armor and will keep looking. You need to stand up for yourself and tell her you will not be talked to that way. Then walk away and communicate with her at a later time. DO NOT use your past mistakes as an excuse for her treating you poorly. This will make her lose respect for you.

[bustorama]

I would agree with your plan to apologize for the EA when she brings it up for now. If she continues to throw it in your face then you'll need to talk about agreeing to leave the past where it is and move forward.

Yes, got it. This thing last night was a bit of an aberration cause she hadn't voiced anything angry to me about the EA in over a month. She has said stuff gently about being scared to be vulnerable again. I don't consider that CB, right? Those are her feelings, which I validate.

FWIW, I think it's good to apologize and ask for forgiveness. BF didn't do that directly for a long time and I was very angry and upset about this. In fact, it's one of the reasons that I still question our R and do not feel like we are reconciled. I'm not suggesting that you go melty man on your W, but do make sure to clearly ask for her forgiveness if/when she feels the time is right. Once. Then don't bring it up again.

Yes, I understand. I did finally make a clear apology to her the first time she brought it up post-separation. I failed and was defensive earlier on. I imagine that's a component of her residual anger and hesitancy to consider reconciliation now. Last night was the first time I came out and asked her to forgive me as part of the apology. So, I do feel now like I have clearly apologized and asked for forgiveness. Given that I can still validate her feelings and not accept CB.

Overall I think you're on the right path. Focus on you, GAL, quietly work on being the best Busto you can be.

Thanks!

[bustorama]

How many times have you apologized to her?

Post-separation, each time she has brought it up since July I would say, which I think is 4 times now including last night (1x / month in response to her?).

Have you told her if you could go back in time and undo all the mistakes that you would?

Yes.

It's ok to apologize to her through validation, but not when she's trying to make you feel bad. "Nobody likes me and my life sucks and woe woe woe is me...ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!" NO, it isn't.

Yes, I agree. I did say last night, "I am sorry you feel that way. I am sorry for my past behavior and that I hurt you. I am not responsible for all that you don't like about your life today." Should I just have stopped after the first line??

When you wake up each day and look in the mirror are you happy about what you have become? Are you happy that you stopped all your CB and put it behind you and are moving forward to make sure that you NEVER travel down that ugly path again?

Definitely happier about self and changes. Will continue to be work in progress indefinitely =)

Let her express her feelings to you and continue to understand why she feels that way. However, DO NOT try to fix her feelings by apologizing. Just continue with your changes and be the Rock that you were not before. That to me means more than apologizing all the time.

I think I am getting what you are suggesting? Given that I have clearly apologized, and she knows I am remorseful, I can VALIDATE and and continue to behave well, but if I apologize every single time she brings it up that I am relieving her of her role and responsibility to confront/process her own feelings? Is that part of your point?

[robx]

no more saying sorry,
you've said it,
you've apologized,
continuing to apologize will not gain you anymore points.

[bustorama]

She's looking for holes in your new armor and will keep looking. You need to stand up for yourself and tell her you will not be talked to that way. Then walk away and communicate with her at a later time. DO NOT use your past mistakes as an excuse for her treating you poorly. This will make her lose respect for you.

This was relevant again this AM. Did my morning long run with running group. Met W and D's at D5's dance class. W was in a super foul mood and super crabby. Said she felt awful. Started laying into me all angry almost yelling that I didn't really care about how she felt, that she hated it when someone said stuff like they were sorry you felt that way when you know they aren't really. I looked at her and said, "W, I really am sorry you feel that way, it sounds awful, like no fun at all. However, I can't have you talk to me the way you are talking to me. And I am going to the next room to watch D5 dance now. I would be happy to TALK later with you about what's bothering you if you like."

Watched D5 for awhile. Came back and she was calmed down. Said she felt overwhelmed with the stuff that needed to be done to get girls to soccer game. I said How can I help. She requested some things. I pitched in. We cooperated, got to soccer game, had good time there.

Anyway, later in day, she calls me up and invites me to sushi with her and girls. I said I was busy doing stuff around the house, then I reconsidered and said, sure it'd be fun to hang out. She said it's not the same without [my pet name] there. I get there and she seems all chipper, said she has decided to be happy. So we have a nice dinner, do our usual sake, laughs. At one point, girls were being goofy/borderline misbehaving. I was chuckling. She said, the old [pet name] would never have laughed at this (I was real irritable with girls, big issue with her). I cocked an eyebrow at her and said, like what you see? She said, yeah. We went to toy store after that with girls and they picked out a couple of trinkets. Fun time.

While I was driving us back to our car, my W started saying she wanted a dog. Said if we got back together, what did I think about getting a dog. I said I'd love to have a dog with her, maybe two. She nodded.

She starts talking about the people at her work, telling funny stories. Then she tells me some of them have been seeing an old psychic lady. She says everything the psychic has said to her in her life has come true so far (other people being fired, certain people dying, etc.). That she trusts her and she helps her (sort of sounds like a therapist type relationship). So, I guess the psychic has repeatedly told her that her H (me) still loves her very much. That W has a decision to make, has to decide. Then W started showing me some funny videos on her facebook via smartphone. (more life sharing stuff).

I told her I was going spinning in the AM and she said she would meet me there.

From yesterday to today -- must be tough to be in her mind and have these swings.