I'm back :( Not sure if I belong in MLC though

[HeartsBlessing]

Time will tell; and you must stay strong, regardless of how this goes.

At this point you have one of two decisions; one, to wait it through, two, to let it all go for good.

Whatever you decide to do is up to you.

I know he must want to be helped, or he won't BE helped.

He is in "pity me" mode at the moment; but don't give him that.

It must be one or the other; the marriage OR the other women, there is NO in between; there's been a great deal of damage done; and he is beginning to see that.

People will treat us as we allow them to; and although he loves you, he cannot be allowed to continue in this way.

One of the consequences I believe he's beginning to see is that he will LOSE you; if he doesn't put his best foot forward, and continue his path to get help.

Sexual addiction is a real problem with some men; and it takes many of them a long time to heal, IF they get the necessary help they need to work toward that healing.

It can also play a big part in the MLC; as it is escape and avoidance behaviors.

SA is right; your husband DOES care; but the addiction has a huge grip on his life.

Get off the rollercoaster, detach and distance from his drama; it is HIS problem; don't make it yours.

You can help by praying for him; the power of a praying wife is something to behold in action.

You can do this, Jennifer; you've come this far; you can go a little further.

Remember, you can't fix this for him; you can only be there for him, keeping yourself strong.

Keep us posted on how you and he are.

Remember God works behind the scenes; and He knows all things; He knows the pain, the misery...and although working toward the solution is always painful; He is there to support us because we can't get through these things without Him.

You must let your husband go into the hands of God, and allow Him to work within your husband.

Take care of yourself.

[JenniferA]

HB - again, thank you.

Addie - I'm sorry that it appears you are dealing with a very similar situation. I read alot of your thread in piecing...very similar indeed. The secretiveness, H would always change his password as soon as he knew I figured one of them out...cell never left his side...the only time he was affectionate towards me was when he wanted to ML. Funny, but not, at the same time, I noticed a few days after he started sleeping at his store last week, he downloaded the facebook app. to his Droid. Why did he do that I asked myself. I believe the answer is so that he can be on facebook anytime he wants and will not show up as being on-line because you do not show up on chat/on line when you log in through your phone.

So many things are all starting to add up in my mind. All the while he always made me feel like I was the crazy one for thinking such things. The constant wandering eyes no matter where we were - I'd question him on it and he'd tell me I was wrong. It was disgusting how much he did it and so damn disrespectful to me. I've known it, it was all out there right in front of me but I did NOT want to believe it.

Promising me that this is where he wanted to be and that me and the kids were his world. That there was no one else...thing have never been better with us is what he told me for the past 4 years. That there was never anything wrong and that he was SOOO happy with "us".

I think deep down I knew something was not right. Deep down, I knew...but didn't want to believe...that he came back mostly for the kids...deep down I knew that over the past 4 years he has never looked at me the way he USED to look at me...I never got that feeling that he was in love with me like I was with him...deep down I knew the discoveries of indiscretions and inappropriate emails and messages were the proof that I was right...but didn't want to believe that. I wanted to believe him.

Now, here we are...again...today, my self confidence is in the freakin toilet. I wonder why am I not good enough. What has my whole life really been? Looking back, I am beginning to feel the past 12 years with him has been nothing but a lie. I wonder if maybe all this time, he has been trying to be something he just can't be. That he has been wearing a mask and maybe I didn't really know the REAL H. And maybe that is where all this inner turmoil of his stems from...because he just can't do it anymore...maybe he can't keep hiding from his true self and wearing the mask.

He told me he bought $60 worth of wood yesterday so that the guys at MMA class could video them breaking the pieces of wood on my H's body. He told me he is beginning to realize that his obsession with MMA is his own form of self punishment. They all spar together and beat the crap out of my H because he can stand there and take it all.

Need to get some sleep...can't wait for work tomorrow - it's my sane place right now. Thank God for that.

[JenniferA]

Blew a gasket on H tonight. Couldn't help it. I was upset and yelled at him that I didn't choose this, he did. He said he isn't against me. I said then what are you, for me? He said I don't know, that's why I'm going to counseling. I'm trying. I said trying what? He's not trying anything.

I feel like we've gone right back to where we were 4 years ago. He's back to blaming me again, for the past, for the wrong in our marriage BEFORE we separated the first time. Saying he just can't get all of that negativity and resentment towards me out of his head.

I'm so screwed up right now. I'm so lost and confused. I fixed everything that was an issue with me before. I became the person he fell in love when we first met. I can't believe we are right back where we were. The last 4 years of him telling me how happy he was with us, how wonderful our marriage was, was all a lie?

He told me tonight that he has every reason to have these negative feelings...I spoke of how badly he has hurt me now...he said oh yeah, you've never hurt me. So I said ok, I deserve to be cheated on? I deserve to be lied to constantly? I deserve to be the only female in your life who didn't know the truth? I deserve for all these other women to know you were unhappy but I'm the one left in the dark?

Seriously, WTF am I dealing with here? I'm losing it...I am so SICK of crying. I swear this hurts worse now than it did 4 years ago. I thought I was a strong person but I feel so weak and helpless right now.

[irishblessings]

Jennifer -
I am sorry you are so low right now. Last week I had the week from H3LL!!! But guess what - I've gone 2 days without crying!!! The best advice I can share is that the way you will make it here is by detaching from him. My H had MULTIPLE PAs with anonymous women. Now he has apparently found an OW - have no idea who, etc. Here's the deal - it's not about him right now. It's about YOU. Take a step back - focus on your beautiful children, focus on you, and close your ears to his babble. It doesn't make sense now - so don't try to make sense of it. Breathe.
IB

[Twink]

I fixed everything that was an issue with me before. I became the person he fell in love when we first met. I can't believe we are right back where we were.

Jennifer, this ^^^ is simply more confirmation that this is NOT about you. I'm sure you made those changes as much for yourself as in response to the things your H said that stung, but you also had an expectation that your changes would make a difference in your H's crisis or help to restore your M. Regardless of the changes you make, until your H faces his issues, he will still be in crisis.

That he is in counseling is a good thing. While he is, you must detach from his craziness as best you can and get on with your life. As IB says...breathe.

((Jennifer))

[PEI]

I'm so screwed up right now. I'm so lost and confused. I fixed everything that was an issue with me before. I became the person he fell in love when we first met.

Really? From here it looks like you still have some work to do hon ...

Now, here we are...again...today, my self confidence is in the freakin toilet. I wonder why am I not good enough.

Blew a gasket on H tonight. Couldn't help it. I was upset and yelled at him

Jennifer ... I could sugar coat this and say nice sweet things, but a) it’s not really my style , and b) that probably won’t help you out any. So ...

Your emotions are still so wrapped up in H. Sounds to me like you “fixed” whatever you thought H wanted you to fix ... what did you do for YOU? The work we do is really to save ourselves ... yes, we come here to save our marriages, but what we should discover is that first we need to be our best selves, know who we are, find our own truth and be true to who we are and who we want to be. The side effect of making those real and authentic changes may, or may not, be a saved marriage. Either way, we will be better for the process as individuals. And yes, Jennifer, I do truly and actually believe every word of this.

If your self confidence is in the toilet then it was still tied to something outside yourself. Why?

I get that you were upset ... but yes, you could help it. You chose to “blow a gasket”. You chose to let your emotions rule your behaviour. As adults we make choices, some of them easier and more natural than others. This was a choice. Is it a choice you want to continue to make?

He told me tonight that he has every reason to have these negative feelings...I spoke of how badly he has hurt me now...he said oh yeah, you've never hurt me.

Your H does have a right to his feelings ... you don’t have to agree with them, you don’t have to condone them, but he still has a right to feel how he feels. That does not obliterate your right to feel the way you do. This can’t be a pissing contest ... this can’t be “who hurt who more” ...

At this time in the game what I think most would tell you to do is validate. Listen and validate. Yes this should be a two way street but when someone is trying to voice their feelings your first response can’t be to counter with yours. IMO, it comes across as blaming. Trust me, I get how hard this is ... took me a long time to learn to open my ears and shut my mouth. Took me even longer to learn to turn those ears on and actually listen instead of creating a laundry list of his faults and errors while he tried to tell me how he felt. Especially since I was hurt, betrayed, confused ... you get the idea.

Seriously, WTF am I dealing with here?

An alien? MLC? Selfishness? Does it really matter? You need to turn your focus to you and truly look in the mirror and find the woman Jennifer wants to be. Dig her out, clean her closets, dust her off and stand her up.

I'm losing it...I am so SICK of crying. I swear this hurts worse now than it did 4 years ago. I thought I was a strong person but I feel so weak and helpless right now.

You are here. That shows me that you have strength. And you have tools at your disposal too ... this stuff is not for the feint of heart ... but you can do it.

(((hugs)))
PEI

[JenniferA]

I'm confused at your comment...I already did all the work on myself while we were separated in 2006. I made a ton of positive changes for myself, GAL, went back to work full-time, go out with girlfriends at least twice a month, I don't give him a hard time about anything - he has a great life - practices MMA 16 hours a week, goes out with his buddies whenever he wants (maybe once a week - sometimes less) and never hears crap from me about any of it - he wakes up in the morning, rolls out of bed, gets in the shower and leaves. There is NOTHING that I did to contribute to this, this time around. That is where he is coming from when he says I am not to blame at all this time. That it's all him, not me. (Complete opposite from when we separated 4 years ago) He has been telling me constantly for the past 4 years that our M has never been better and how happy he is with us!

I admitted fully last time that I needed to make some changes and improvements and I made them ALL(for me!) And so it turned out that he came back because he was really happy with what he saw.

This is where I am stuck - because what else do I need to do???? I'm not saying I am perfect - no one on this earth is. But I made the changes within myself 4 years ago - and in the end, it truly hasn't made any difference for him as HIS issues are all resurfacing again. And now he keeps harping on the M issues that we had BEFORE - the issues that have been resolved and that he can't seem to let go. Even though things have been great, I've been great, he can't get the PAST out of his head, so he tells me.

My trust issues may not have disappeared but he has not given me any reason TO trust him now or then. That's not my fault. It's him!

PEI - Very quickly, if you'll read my quote above from an earlier post last week...you'll find that I DID make the changes for MYSELF. Not for my H. I made the changes for me, to be a better person and mother.

I'd like to comment further, but I am at work and have to go. I'll be back

[PEI]

PEI - Very quickly, if you'll read my quote above from an earlier post last week...you'll find that I DID make the changes for MYSELF. Not for my H. I made the changes for me, to be a better person and mother.

I see you saying that, but then I also see you saying ....

Now, here we are...again...today, my self confidence is in the freakin toilet. I wonder why am I not good enough.

His crisis ... or whatever you want to call this ... is about HIM, not you. It has nothing to do with how worthy you are, nothing to do with whether or not you are a "good wife", etc ...

Have you done any reading on male depression? I'm not a big believer in over doing the "studying" when it comes to our sitchs (I'd rather see someone spend the time digging deep into themselves) but a certain amount of it does breed compassion and understanding. Once you achieve those you are in a much better place to make choices.

Look forward to hearing more....
PEI

[addie]

I'm so screwed up right now. I'm so lost and confused. I fixed everything that was an issue with me before. I became the person he fell in love when we first met. I can't believe we are right back where we were. The last 4 years of him telling me how happy he was with us, how wonderful our marriage was, was all a lie?

Jennifer,
You're not the one that is screwed up, your H is. Try not to take what he is saying personally. I know all too well how hard this is to do and, yes, I've blown many a gasket at my H recently. The issues have very little to do with you. Your H is obviously still in a lot of turmoil and until he deals with those issues the problems will keep recurring no matter how many changes you make to yourself.
Try to detach as much as possible and set some boundaries that you think you will be able to enforce.

[JenniferA]

Really? From here it looks like you still have some work to do hon ...

Yes, you are correct. These are all just feelings I am having right now. But you are right...I have much work to do in the self esteem department.

Jennifer ... I could sugar coat this and say nice sweet things, but a) it’s not really my style , and b) that probably won’t help you out any. So ...

Your emotions are still so wrapped up in H.

Very true. I guess because this is so recent and sudden and I need to re-learn detachment - however it may seem that I felt something wasn't right all along.

If your self confidence is in the toilet then it was still tied to something outside yourself. Why?

Great question...something I need to work on.

I get that you were upset ... but yes, you could help it. You chose to “blow a gasket”. You chose to let your emotions rule your behaviour. As adults we make choices, some of them easier and more natural than others. This was a choice. Is it a choice you want to continue to make?

I completely agree that I chose to do so. I was upset...someone at the MMA school said something that led me to believe H might have said something about our sitch to the guys there. It set me off because he isn't telling them the truth...he's telling him that "we are having problems at home" That upsets me because I have grown to really fond of the people/family at MMA and have always felt so "at home" there. Now..I'm beginning to feel like an outsider because it's HIS place and they will believe him when he starts blaming me for all this crap - because he's too embarrassed to say what he's done wrong. It's just upsetting, that's all. And I know....it's all speculation...but I upset myself thinking about it.

Your H does have a right to his feelings ... you don’t have to agree with them, you don’t have to condone them, but he still has a right to feel how he feels. That does not obliterate your right to feel the way you do. This can’t be a pissing contest ... this can’t be “who hurt who more” ...

Of course he has a right to his feelings, I wasn't telling him he didn't...that was him saying that as an excuse for the wrong that he has done now.

At this time in the game what I think most would tell you to do is validate. Listen and validate. Yes this should be a two way street but when someone is trying to voice their feelings your first response can’t be to counter with yours. IMO, it comes across as blaming.

Allow me to explain that this was all via text...and it was all HIS reaction to ME voicing my feelings. Not the other way around. HE turned it into a pissing contest.

An alien? MLC? Selfishness? Does it really matter? You need to turn your focus to you and truly look in the mirror and find the woman Jennifer wants to be. Dig her out, clean her closets, dust her off and stand her up.

Agreed.


I need to read and catch up on your sitch Thanks for being here for me and for caring.