Albuquerque living

[Albuquerque]

WTF!? Ok as if those two emails weren't weird enough. I wake up at 6 am to find he emailed me at 5:40 am. Here's what it said.

"Alone, scared. More drugs, that will do it, right? We'll see.

Fell asleep on the couch; now mostly naked in bed. An improvement of sorts.

Ping you later. "

I emailed him immediately to at least let him know I was awake and he could call. I will send out my other response in a few minutes. It sounds like he needs to hear from me.

[punkin]

Okay Alb, you're scaring me and I'm thousands of miles away.

I think that email would have had me calling 911.

[Truegritter]

Al

Not sure what it means as far as H goes. If he is in trouble he needs to decide to get help.

My sense is this is a dynamic that existed in the M?

His crisis. You fix/rescue? You feel better when he needs you?

Do you really want this R if it is under these circumstances?

Remember you didn't break him and you can't fix him.

HE has to do this alone and you can't be the crutch.

You have set boundaries for yourself and this is crossing over.

Yes?

A bigger question and one we often don't ask ourselves while we are standing...

Under what circumstances do we consider taking back our spouse?

What does that look like?

He is still in crisis Al.

[Albuquerque]

TG,

I think you are reading too much into my statements. I have no expectation of any reconciliation talk whatsoever. In fact, he's already emailed me again and I'm not surprised at his statement.

"Sorry the freak-out, it was a momentary lapse on sanity. Feeling better now. :)"

From my perspective, it was a momentary GAIN of sanity, but that's the MLC for you. I'm glad it at least gave me the opportunity to email him about my open door for talks at some point in the future.

[Truegritter]

Al

I am glad that you realize.

it was a momentary GAIN of sanity, but that's the MLC for you.

And this stuff from him will likely continue.

My question is how best to respond. I, like Punkin did, have often wondered whether he knows I have left the door open for reconciliation when he's ready. I feel like this is my perfect opportunity to do so.

This is why I asked the question:

A bigger question and one we often don't ask ourselves while we are standing...

Under what circumstances do we consider taking back our spouse?

What does that look like?

Al I am speaking from my own experience. When I was in the home I was the rescuer/fixer.

W was in(still is) crisis and when she would look to me for that role. Now OM is filling that role until it doesn't work anymore...or she takes responsibility for her own actions/choices.

Since he reached out to YOU that gives me an indication that this is a dynamic that has existed in the past???

Not trying to put tacks in your saddle Al. If it doesn't apply to you. It doesn't. Only you can say.

I ask my question because it was asked of me. And it is an important one for the LBS.

It will take the drama and uncertainty out of these communications from H.

[Albuquerque]

Since he reached out to YOU that gives me an indication that this is a dynamic that has existed in the past???

I thought about it when you asked and that's the thing. I really don't think it fits. He quite often used me as a "sounding board" so to speak. He appreciated my point of view but I don't think anything I did would match being called a rescuer/fixer (and I'm really trying to be objective here). But just so that we're speaking the same language, what would be an example of a rescuer/fixer?

[MHL]

Here's what it said.

In red is what he really said.

"Alone, scared. More drugs, that will do it, right? We'll see.

I'm alone and I don't like it and I only have myself to blame. I am scared that I made the wrong decision and I want to make sure your still my backup plan and that you are still there. I will tell you that I am going to use drugs to see if you still care about me but I love myself too much and I am too selfish to ever harm myself. We'll see, means that I will still be around b/c this is just a bullchit way to draw you into my MLC storm and draw attention to me, because after all it is all about ME!!!"

AL,
My wife threaten suicide and actually spent a week in the hospital under suicide watch, total attention grabbing stunt. Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting that we don't respond to someone threatening to hurt themselves but rather that we put it into MLC perspective.

Fell asleep on the couch; now mostly naked in bed. An improvement of sorts.

I don't want you to think I am really crazy, I just wanted you to call, I'm really okay and just missing you and I am a little horny and having to jump on a plane and fly out west to have a PA is getting old already. I hope you call.

Ping you later. "

Well, just in case you haven't respond to my non-sense I will be calling you. See I wasn't serious about hurting myself upthere, I was just trying to draw you in. I really hope it works!!!

Al,
Your H is spinning, don't get drawn in. Just as Grit said, you did not break him and you can't not fix him. If you want to truly help him, be strong and let him take this journey on his own. You work on YOU.

Cheers

[Truegritter]

But just so that we're speaking the same language, what would be an example of a rescuer/fixer?

I would google codependent and you'll find loads I think.

It is the tendency in the relationship as one person is struggling

> to make excuses for them
> to enable them by taking care of things that are their responsibility. They get used to someone doing that. and it delays there own growth to make decisions on their own. and take responsibility for those decisions. Good and bad consequences.
> to try to control things so they don't make mistakes.
> become consumed by their needs and neglect your own.
> Also to come to rely upon or get validation from being that fixer or saviour. It becomes part of your own self worth to fulfill that role.

We confuse love and caring with enabling the other. It is hard to break that once it is in place because both people feel a need for it and rely upon it.

He was reaching out to you in crisis.

A fixer would be consumed with his crisis. Taking it on as their own responsibility. Feeling of not being able to let them handle it on their own. Looking for solutions for them.

Was your solution that he can always come back to you?

Why was this the opportunity to tell him that the door is open?

Would his crisis stop if he did?

Hence my questions...

[warriorshadow]

Al,
I think MHL hit it right on the head. It would fit for my W like a glove. I fully anticipate this type of communication from my wife in the future. I am watching your thread closer now because it is so similar to where I will be once I am separated or divorced. I am going to need to know how the best way to respond will be. For me it will be especially difficult because the IC will want to keep a friendship alive so there is a safe place to come back when the crisis is over. However, they have to be able to crash on their own to fix their issues. So there is a paradox here. Balance will have to be made somewhere. Plus, with kids involved, they will watch and want to know Dad still loves Mom by the way he treats her through actions more than words.


My wife has noted that she is crazy by the things she has said.

We are dealing with an adolescent mind here. That is very hard to get a grip on. His responses are much like my W's.

This weekend, during church, my wife asked me if it is ok with me for her to attend the same church every Sunday because I know you will "hate" me after this (divorce). This is the first Sunday she has gone to church in a month now. Reconnecting? I doubt it. She has so far to go yet. My answer was " W, you know me better than that."

[Albuquerque]

Missher,

I love your perspective. This is the umpteenth time he's mentioned drugs/alcohol. He's on anti-anxiety (Xanax) and anti-depressants and likes to mention how he often has to combine with alcohol to get relief. I've learned to ignore that so I guess I should be glad that I didn't even really pay attention to that part of the email. I naturally ignored it without even thinking about it! And I think you're spot on with the rest. I also seriously never even considered calling him. (Once you mentioned it, I found that insight kind of surprising) I just left him the opportunity to call if he wanted to.

TG,

To answer your questions, then no, based on your description. I'm not the rescuer/fixer nor did I fill that role during the M. I have no illusions of being able to fix his situation. Our last R talk (pre-DB) had me agreeing with him reluctantly that the M was over. I have since regretted not telling him that I was standing for the M. I looked at this as an opportunity to briefly discuss the R (since he brought it up first) and just let him know that. I agree with you that he's TOTALLY not ready to discuss any serious R talks and even IF he wanted to come home, I'd tell him no. He's still very broken. If he asked me my opinion, I'd recommend counseling (for him), but the choice and work would be up to him. But don't worry, you are not putting tacks in my saddle. I haven't responded to his "just kidding" email and don't plan to. Traditionally, he joins D and I for dinner on Mondays after her martial arts class. It'll be interesting to see what excuse he uses to get out of it since I fully expect he doesn't want to face me today.