Had a pretty good weekend. Had IC on Saturday and that went well. Then I went straight to a Kayaking adventure. I wasn't going to go but I just said I need to get out and have some fun. Met a few people while I was there.
It was a sunset paddle out so I got to watch the sun drop from the middle of the Hudson River. Good times.
Sunday I drove an hour into New Jersey and met up with about 5 guys from a No More Mister Nice Guy group. I hooked up with them through the NMMNG forums. Great bunch of guys. We hung out for about 3 or 4 hours.
It was nice to be with a group of like minded men who are all working on themselves.
Nothing else happened. No contact with my W at all. I did send a text picture of the sunset to my kids via her cell phone. Other than that no contact. And right now I prefer it that way.
I think there was maybe 2 emails, 1 face to face (which didn't have to occur but she came into the house when she came by to put our D on the bus) and maybe 2 or 3 texts in the past 3 weeks.
I'd like to see no new drama at least until our next court date on Oct 12.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
lol @ CD. I like to bring stuff over no matter who posts it when it's really something I could see over and over. You know, like you, I do print these threads out and one day will re-read through them.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
CD you can set how many posts you see on each page.
Just click on My Stuff, then go to Edit Preferences. Scroll down and you'll see Total topics to to show per page: (default is 10)
I have mine set at 30. That way you can just copy and paste more posts at one time. I'm not sure what the highest number you can set it at but you can fool around with it some.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Communication between my W and I has been sparse. I like it that way.
At 6:24 my phone rings. It's Kathy's cell. My ringtone is Walk Away by the Dropkick Murphy's. Go to youtube and listen to it. It's my anthem.
It's my S. He asks me to come over and get him. Then he says he wants me to come there and help him with his homework. I asked what was wrong. He said, "Mommy isn't helping me with my homework. She's giving me really long sentences to write." I asked if he asked her to make the sentences smaller. He told me he did.
Then he starts saying she won't even let him do his homework now and he's going to get in trouble at school tomorrow. I explained to him I was at work and I couldn't come by but he should just do the sentences. I told him in the time he is using complaining and calling me he could have had his homework done.
My D got on the phone and told me to come home. lol In a very authoritative tone. It was really cute.
They hung up the phone. My W is very authoritative and uses the carrot/stick method with the kids. I have been looking at a lot of alternatives because I know that method doesn't work to grow a healthy kid. I am reading Positive Discipline and it's more in making them responsible for their actions and to feel the consequences of their decision, while helping them to solve problems and give them a say in their life.
I've been doing it for a while now and I've had good results with it. I hardly put them in any time-outs because they now reverse their behavior and take responsibility. It's actually a pretty cool thing to watch happen.
Instead of working out a compromise my W will give him a long sentence and then stick to it like glue. I like to put wiggle room in there and would then compromise between what he wants to do (a very short sentence I'm sure) and the long sentence.
It becomes a win-win. Teaches him a lot too.
At 4:53 I got a text from my W telling me a notice came in my son's folder about his school was going to be on the TV tonight. There was a crew there today filming.
[begin back story] I'm not sure if I posted this earlier in my thread, but a notice came home the other week reminding parents of an open house that night. My W never alerted me to it. I sent a text telling her that we had agreed any time sensitive information will be immediately communicated to the other parent. Of course she came back with all these excuses, telling me it was on the wall calendar, it's on the school website, it was in the monthly flier, it's not my job to remind you, blah, blah, blah.
I merely sent a text back - I was just pointing out the fact you did not contact me regarding time sensitive information as we had agreed. I didn't say anything about you having to remind me or even if I knew about it or not. You added all the rest of that stuff in there. [end back story]
My boundary enforcement. So today she contacted me right away. Amazing how it works when you enforce those boundaries.
At 8:03 I get a text - our D just told me they said open house is tomorrow at pre k. I went online and it says it is open house. I have not seen anything about this come home, have you?
Me - Nothing came home but I saw it on the website calendar and put it on my schedule. I was going to text u as a reminder. Obviously you don't need it now. ru going? I don't know what time it starts though. Wasn't on their website.
W - I am going to bring D. I think she wants to go. I don't think there's anything we haven't heard yet or don't already know from S having gone there. I plan to call the school tomorrow for details.
Me - Ok. I will not be going then.
Just capturing it for journal purposes.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
CD as the years have passed and I've watched things I've found life has a life of it's own. Sometimes you can work your a$$ off to get somewhere and never get there, and other times it happens through serendipitous actions that are just like connecting the dots. It's hard to explain.
It's far from a fatalistic viewpoint. It's more like an artistic masterpiece where the brush is stroking all over the place and stroke one is this event, stroke two is that event, stroke 3, etc... in hindsight you can see the picture that was created and how all the strokes were perfectly laid out to create the masterpiece I call my life.
Each stroke is interpreted through my filter as 'good' or 'bad' based on my ignorance of trying to interpret them from where I'm at in that given moment when the stroke is made. But I have found as time marches on they all blend in together like an orchestrated piece.
My part in it all is how I actually behave and react while the strokes are being put down. Like the river analogy. The strokes happen and the only question is can I live with the strokes, not putting any value on them in the context of good or bad (defined only by my limited perspective without the ability to see how they will fit together in the future), and be able to be present in the moment and experiencing the actual joy of life itself.
It's like a giant chess game you are watching. The pieces move but you're not a chess player so you can't see how each move is lining up the next move. The chess player knows but you don't. In this analogy the chess player is life (my definition of God). The game is constantly being adjusted based on our reaction to the things that are happening.
It's a hard concept for me to actually verbalize. I see it way beyond what some people say is fatalism. It's like the pieces keep getting moved around for the best outcome for all involved. If you ride it and don't fight against the current, stay awake and see the pieces that arise we need to adjust within ourselves, life becomes effortless.
From one perspective it can appear as predetermined, but from another it's not preditermined at all, but rather a function of how the players in the play handle themselves inside of it.
For example, we've talked about cycles. When the cycle comes full circle you either take the opportunity to grow and evolve or you don't. If you do, then the game moves and you start in a new cycle. If you're awake and attentive you see what surfaces as the thing which will evolve you. If you miss the opportunity then the cycle repeats at that level. Different players, different details, but underneath a current of the same loop.
I was speaking to someone about this yesterday in regard to my father in law. He got really drunk a few weeks back, fell and was brought to the hospital. He detoxed there and was put into a psych ward. He spent weeks with no alcohol. When he came home he was at an apex in his cycle - a choice. If he stayed away from the booze and new cycle would have started up. If he drinks, he will enter back into the same cycle until the next apex.
The cycle is full of apex's where you can take a jump, but from my observation there are apex's that are created which all of a sudden create a situation where it forces you to look the decision right in the eye if you can't see it for yourself.
Each pass through the cycle creates a stronger and stronger 'critical' apex. It's like a drunk who first blackouts. Next apex he gets a DUI. Next one his family cuts him off. Next one his wife leaves him; loses his job; goes bankrupt, etc...
The pressure squeezes harder and harder pushing the person closer to their bottom.
People who fear rejection will constantly find themselves in situations where they are rejected until they pull out the root cause. The situation is both caused by a self fulfilling prophecy working hand in hand with life creating people/situations which push us back into the cycle. Different scenery, but nothing changes in the undercurrent level.
Wow, did I write all of that? lol
Keep what's useful and throw out the rest.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Had my S last night and we slept over my brother's house. I took him to my house around 8:30 to put him on the bus. As I was driving over to the house I was hoping my W would either be in the house or already on her way to work. She puts my D on the bus at 8:20 so I was hopeful she wouldn't be outside.
When I got near the house I saw her outside talking to our neighbor. Instead of pulling into the driveway I made a left turn and parked on the corner of the street where my S's bus picks him up. It's actually directly across the street from the house.
My S jumped out and said hello to my W across the street. I stayed in the car and his bus came within a few minutes. I jumped out and put him on the bus. When the bus pulled away I thought, "How am I going to say hello to my neighbor and leave my W out of it?" "Is that going to make me look like an ass?" "Ok, stop thinking and do what YOU want to do."
Said hi to my neighbor and walked toward my car. My W said, "He just jumps right on the bus." I said, "Yeah, we need him to teach our D to do that." She cries every morning getting on the bus.
I didn't even look at her. Just got in my car and drove away.
I don't want to interact with her. I don't want to see her. I don't want to talk to her. I definitely don't want to be in a position where she can take some interaction between us and spin it around to make it look like I did something 'wrong'.
I don't care what it makes me look like to basically ignore/avoid her. It's what I have to do to protect myself after her continuous fabricating and lying.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I'm just going to copy and paste some emails regarding that evening. We had about an hour conversation after the kids went to bed and it was the first civil conversation we've had about the D issues in a long time. There were many things we disagreed on and we basically agreed to disagree. There was some reminiscing about some of the things we did in the past and at one point she shed some tears.
When we were done she leaned toward me as if she wanted to hug me. (This is the body language I 'saw and felt') She got up off the bed, turned toward me, then left the room. After a few minutes I got up and went into the hallway. She was in the bathroom and I stood about 8 feet away and said, "It looked like you wanted a hug in there." She stepped out of the bathroom and we hugged. I said, "We may as well do this now because it may be a long time before we may do this."
She even thanked me as we let go. I turned and went into my room. I heard her in the hallway and I called out to her. She said she'd be a minute because she wanted to check on my D. She popped her head into my room and I said, "At first I wasn't going to say this because I worry about what your reaction will be. But as I told you before, I'm working on being transparent and saying what I feel and think. So I'm not going to not do this. That was the first time in a long time I felt attracted to you." I immediately saw how that comment could be interpreted to so I followed up with, "I don't mean that in a relationship between you and I way. It's on a friendship level where we could actually sit down and talk."
She left and went into her room.
The next day I get this email:
I was afraid to tell you how I felt last night because in the past you became very angry when I said things of this nature. When you came to the bathroom door after the kids were asleep, you said you thought I wanted to hug you. You then proceeded to hug me. I was very uncomfortable with this but went along with it so as not to trigger you. I also did not feel comfortable when you kissed my cheek. You then proceeded to tell me that you felt attracted to me for the first time in a long time. I felt very uncomfortable about this and did not want to be hugged or kissed but was unable to express this because I was afraid that you would get angry. You have in the past become very angry at what you perceive as rejection and/or dismissal.
As I said last night, I do not want to live in a house with you but am being forced to because your lawyer is adamant in his argument that if I participate in a 50/50 split of the house I agree with it. I have never agreed with it. I think it is unhealthy for the children to live like this but I was not given a choice in the matter.
Please do not touch me, hug me, kiss me, or flirt with me. I do not want to hear about your attraction to me. I will continue to behave civilly to you to create the most beneficial environment possible for the children through this unstable time.
Thank you for complying to my requests,
I sent this at first:
No problem. None of it was of a sexual nature at all. Sorry about the confusion. Thanks for telling me.
After thinking about it a little bit and seeing how she totally twisted it around I sent this email:
I think it's strange you are saying what you're saying since I let go of the hug and you held me longer and then proceeded to thank me for it. I understand your need to do legal posturing. You came into MY room and sat on MY bed and we had a nice conversation which cleared some stuff up between us.
On a few occasions I have extended an olive branch so we can be on more friendly terms. I do this because our children do feel the tension even in our 'civility'.
<wife> this 'triggering' is in your head and is not an accurate reflection of reality. There is and has never been a triggering of me. There has been frustration and disappointment in the past due to behavior by you which I found unacceptable. Dismissing a person is very disrespectful and I feel I have a right to state my opinion as such.
It's sad I feel the whole conversation was a set up by you, but it is what it is.
I accidentally hit the send button before I was done so I followed up with the rest of my email:
I accidentally sent the message before I was done.
You are misconstruing any actions which you feel are flirting with you. I have no desire to flirt with you and have not conducted myself in any flirtatious manner. Any behavior you are calling flirting is a misinterpretation on your part.
The attraction comment was purely on a friendly level since we had a nice conversation. I immediately said that to you because it was obvious to me how the comment could be misinterpreted. I even told you it had nothing to do with you and I being in any relationship besides a friendly nature.
I just wanted to clear up your misunderstanding so there is no confusion. I do appreciate your candor and I'm glad we were able to talk about the things we did last night.
The next day I get this from her:
My lack of response to your comments does not in any way reflect agreement. There is one thing I do want to remind you of on this manner - you told me before the kids went to bed that you wanted to talk to me after they were asleep. I went into your room upon your request. Our conversation was over and I was brushing my teeth to go to bed when you approached me in the bathroom.
I then typed up an email but didn't send it. I was actually tired of this back and forth crap over something she totally twisted around. It's saved as a draft:
I did say I wanted to talk to you. You came into my room because you wanted to talk also. If you didn't want to have a conversation with me you wouldn't have. You had every freedom to decline a conversation with me and in no way were you forced, coerced, or manipulated into talking with me.You came in and sat on my bed approximately 3 to 4 feet away from me - obviously not a position which would indicate any fear or concern of your physical well being. We covered a lot of areas in which we disagree and even cleared up some misunderstandings between us. You even shed tears due to your emotional reaction to some of the things we talked about. We spoke about how we 'did it right' as far as our children were concerned and even reminisced of some of the good times we had.
You speak of a 'trigger' which you have talked about in the past. You anticipated a 'trigger' when you told me you didn't want to be married; when I was served with the first Refrain from order; when I was served with the second refrain from order; when I was served with Divorce papers. None of those events created any reaction by me except a normal response by a person in those situations. You even called <MC> after I was served with the first Refrain From Order and she assured you my reaction to it was normal.
This supposed 'trigger' is something which you have manufactured in your mind and is not an accurate reflection of reality or my expressed behavior. It is the same as when your anxiety created the illusion I could somehow be downstairs lighting a fire to burn down the house. You even stated in <MC>'s office you did not believe I would do this but as you remarked, "You never know. Your read about these things in the newspaper every day where someone snaps and hurts their family. <me> is a person who reads about these kinds of events and says 'Why didn't the person just take themselves and leave their wife and children out of it?' "
You go on to talk about a fear of how I will react if I face rejection by you. The whole conversation we just had was all about rejecting me as a spouse, splitting up and custody information. There were things we discussed in which we didn't agree - all rejections of my point of view or opinion. It was about us not being together and talk about the custody differences and all about rejection on some level. You have been rejecting me for two and a half years now. You tried to get two court orders and served me with divorce papers. I think divorce papers is a pretty big form of rejection. Obviously your actions and what you are saying don't match. If you had such a fear of me you wouldn't have come back into the house; you wouldn't have come into my room to talk; as well as a number of other times where you were alone with the kids and I when you could have very easily not been there or had a third party come with you.
I didn't approach you "in" the bathroom. I was in the hallway when I spoke to you. I also want to remind you that you stepped out of the bathroom and outside the doorway with your arms open and a smile on your face. You even thanked me for the hug afterward. Your attitude, body language and speech did not reflect the position you have now taken as to the meaning of those events.
You have taken something that was healthy and a clearing of some animosity between us and have perverted it into something other than what it was for what I believe is in an attempt to cover yourself legally and to make me look like a person who is violating your space; flirting with you; making gestures of physical contact against your will; a person who will somehow trigger into anger; who induces fear in you. You have turned it 180 degrees from the reality of what it actually was in what I believe is an attempt to support your position and continue to convince people the situation is different than it actually was.
Lets call a spade a spade <Wife>. I can say I am saddened by your twisting things around in order for you to get what you want and to validate a perspective of me which isn't true. This has been ongoing and what you have been doing for some time. I accept that. This is who you are being toward me in this situation. It isn't the totality of who you are but is a very consistent behavior you are showing toward me for a long time now.
I opened myself up to you and put some trust in you and you betrayed that trust. I should have known better. You can twist it any way you want, but the truth remains the same no matter how much you try to 'change' it.
I will continue to stand up for myself and speak my mind whenever I feel my personal boundaries are crossed. I will not apologize for that because it is a healthy position for me take in order to preserve my dignity and self respect - this is something we even spoke about that evening and your comment to it was, "Good for you."
I understand email communications lack any affect but I assure you this has been written and communicated without any anger or ill intent.
As far as I'm concerned this issue is done and I don't wish to revisit it at all.
I her court motion this is what she wrote about that night: k. Nevertheless, even as recently as the day before my swearing to this affidavit, on August 31, 2010, defendant encountered me in the bathroom doorway of the home, while the children were sleeping, and blocked the doorway. He forced me to hug him, kissed my cheek, and told me that he was feeling "attracted" to me for the "first time in a long time." l. I have seen defendant become extremely upset at any behavior he construes as "rejection" and the incidents of yesterday, August 31, 2010, cause me to be extremely fearful. I have nevertheless notified defendant, once again, via email, that such behavior is unwelcome and unacceptable. However, without an Order of Protection in this regard, defendant is unlikely to refrain from such behavior. m. As such I am requesting an Order that defendant stay away from myself and from my residence.
I know it's a really long post, but I wanted to put it out here to show how she is twisting everything around to portray me as some kind of 'monster'. It's actually sickening to read it again.
I'm not so hung up anymore about her opinion of me and I know there's a certain amount of coaching from her L but her ability to do this kind of thing is nauseating and totally beyond my comprehension of how someone can keep doing this kind of thing.
This is only one of many examples of interactions she has spun and those are the reasons I do not want to interact with her at all - except for email/texts about the kids. She's off the hook.
When I told my IC about this last Saturday she said, "Well she's been doing this for a long time now. Why did you eve hug her?" I simply said, "I made a mistake." The MC said, "Wow. That right there shows how far you have come. In the past you would have tried to come up with some elaborate explanation to defend your behavior or explain yourself."
I laughed and said, "Yeah. It's what I'm working on. Being straight up and not defending or explaining my behavior."
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
