I know what you mean about death (or I should say I think I understand what you are trying to share). My mom and dad had difficult litigation but once their divorce was over it was over. They really had no contact (my sister and I were in our late teens and early 20's at the time). Things really fell apart for my dad due to his drinking. But I guess at the end of the day, no matter what the motivation was, repair is attainable. I guess maybe that is why it's important not to define repair in too stringent a manner.
Everything in life we do has a consequence. And I agree, often times the choices of another person put us in very unfavorable and frightening situations. I can relate to that 110%. It does extract every bit of emotion one is able to feel! I'm not very sure there is one correct answer to all of this "stuff".
I sometimes wonder if things feel so "not right" now so when they are "more right" later we will appreciate them even more. I'll have to get back to you on that one
Everything in life we do has a consequence. And I agree, often times the choices of another person put us in very unfavorable and frightening situations. I can relate to that 110%. It does extract every bit of emotion one is able to feel! I'm not very sure there is one correct answer to all of this "stuff".
There is not one correct answer to all of this stuff. The only correct answer would be for all of us who got married to actually live out our vows. Never gonna happen, I know.
BTW, I have often thought of changing my handle to "Country Boy". I about as far out in the sticks as you can get. That adds another layer of suck to all of this. Everything is farther away, lawyers, schools, shopping, etc. You have to drive a ways to get anywhere. I wouldn't have it any other way. Of course, that may be out of my control now. Another thing that's out of my hands.
I recently read an article that said so many LBS say they have unconditional love for their spouses but in reality, they do not. Unconditional love cannot happen with romantic love because no matter how much you give, at some point you do expect *something* in return.
And when that "something" never gets doled out, something inside you whithers. Not sure how long it takes, but I think this is what we were talking about over on my thread before.
Dude, you are pretty hard on yourself. I think you have been kicking A$$ on the db front! We're a lot alike. Dealing with the reality of the situation and doing the right things to survive with the least damage to our lives is the easy part. getting over the betrayal and resolving that the closest person on the planet is the one who hurt you, well, when you figure that part out, please let me know. I promise if I ever find a way to shut that part of it off, I will not pass go, or collect $200. I'll come straight here and start a new post for all to see. Not holding my breath though.
I think only time can ever fix this.
You've still got my prayers buddy.
Thanks for the reply, AG.
Time is a funny thing: When things are going good, it seems to fly by, when they're not, it just drags on and on. Needless to say, this last year has felt like 10. It's time to get moving again.
L just called an confirmed she has everything ready for my signature. She still wanted me to have her removed from the house. I don't see how that would foster any future goodwill. It may reaffirm my being a doormat to my W, IDK. I am filing for temporary custody so if she does finally pack up and leave, she won't be able to take the kids. We'll see how it all pans out. As hard as this has all been, I have a feeling it will get harder.
I will also insist on telling the kids tonight. We were going to do it several times but she always backed down and I willingly let it slide. No more. They are having trouble in school and I'm sure this won't help matters. I have to keep telling myself that it's her choice. She could stop it in an instant.
God, this is hard. I knew that all along and just didn't want to face it. Time to do more hard work.
In case I haven't mentioned it lately: I LOVE MY KIDS!!!!!!!!
God, help me to be strong and to do the right thing. Not with spite and anger, but with humility and love. Amen.
I am really sorry you are facing tonight. I know you love those kids. Just remember, they know it too. I don't have any advice for you, but I will keep you and them in my prayers.
Maybe this will shake her out of it. If so, it's small consolation that it had to come to this.
Good luck man
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Telling your kids is the right, and you will do what is best for the kids because you do LOVE THEM. I feel the love you have for them. Remember you have choices to make, and you are making them for you and your wonderful kids. Your W has made her choices too.
You will be strong and do the right thing. That is just the type of person you are.
My prayers are with you!!!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
We told the kids. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I will just leave it at that.
As far as me filing, I haven't. The day I was supposed to go to my L, this past Tues., I got a call from work. One of the guys I work with has a 13 yo daughter with kidney failure. She is on dialysis at home and has had her ups and downs. She is adopted but her mom is a high enough % of a match to do a transplant. Anyway, that morning, I was called into work early. My co-worker, "John", wasn't going to be here. The night before, his D blood pressure got very high and she had a mild stroke. She is in the hospital as is the whole family. They were supposed to do the transplant next Fri., so we have some people off on vacation knowing that John would be out for a while.
So, I didn't file. On Wed., W and her dad went to see her L. It seems that she has really convinced her mom and especially her dad to help her out. She didn't file. She went to see what her options are. The same thing I did a couple of times. BTW, I got this info from my BIL who says he has told her and his parents that this is not the way to handle things. Oh, well. She can lie to them as well as she can to me. She has not told me herself that she went. I don't care. I told her months ago that she needed a L of her own. It seems she has one and that her dad is paying for it. Good for her.
I have to find the time to go file myself. I've already procrastinated too long and I'm sure she can see or feel my reluctance. I can't help but wonder why she didn't file. I know it probably doesn't mean anything.
Before we told the kids, I reiterated to her that I agree it's over and we couldn't get past the things that had happened. She tried to say that I was still blaming it all on her and I said that wasn't true, I had admitted to my mistakes and faults and I won't go there anymore. She said, "What, and I haven't? I can't apologize for something I didn't do." I said that was fine, I understand. Let's call the kids in.
She still won't leave. She wants to do this trading nights away from the house so the kids can stay in one place. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea. She said she couldn't afford to go anywhere. I said that wasn't my problem. She said it should be because of the kids. I said the kids have a home, they have their own room, toys, books, etc. So does she but she has made the choice not to stay. That's the last thing I told her.
It feels so close sometimes. Then it slips away.
I still would like to know the pros and cons of being the one to file first. I really don't want to make this easy on her at all. She's the one who wants it, let her do all the heavy lifting. On the other hand, enough is enough. OM is out of the picture as far as I can tell, but her attitude hasn't changed at all.
Fear is still holding me back. I think I'm holding my ground other than not filing.
It's painfully obvious that I am still iffy and it really pisses me off. I shouldn't be iffy. If I would have been in the frame of mind a year ago that I am in now, I can see how filing first would have possibly helped my sitch. Now I'm really can't see any advantage other that showing her that I'm "done" for good. And it may very well be the thing to help turn the sitch around. I think I have made it clear to her that I am done being her babysitter, done taking CB from her, done with her lies and deceit.
It shouldn't be, but in my mind, if I file, I am giving up on the kids. Like I said before, even under the best circumstances I will only see them 50% of the time. That is so hard to swallow. I have to accept it, I know.
I about as far out in the sticks as you can get. That adds another layer of suck to all of this. Everything is farther away, lawyers, schools, shopping, etc. You have to drive a ways to get anywhere. I wouldn't have it any other way. Of course, that may be out of my control now. Another thing that's out of my hands.