Bustorama-Thread 1

[bustorama]

I forgot to mention re: holidays that our respective families (parents/siblings/etc.) live in different cities thousands of miles apart from where we live and from the other city. W mentioned something about her family being in town for the wedding and they were thinking of having a Thanksgiving at the wedding hotel and I would be welcome to come, but something interrupted the conversation right at that moment so nothing more has been said about that.

[pinhead]

Busto,

re the wedding: if she's not dating you now, is it realistic to expect her to be treating the wedding like a date with you? If not, then you know what to do.

re the holidays: I wouldn't spend the holidays together unless you're working on reconciling. She needs to see the cost of what a separation is. Figure out some reasonable split of Thanksgiving and Christmas...

[bustorama]

Thanks for the advice!

UPDATE

1) Opened up my own bank account

2) Lawyer consultation tomorrow re: finance arrangement

3) Today one of my employees/friends disclosed to me that she is now a WAW from her husband (who is also a work colleague of mine). Her H had disclosed to me yesterday that there was crap going on between them and he wasn't sure what would happen between them. I talked to his W about her feelings and her sitch and it turns out that she is in the midst of a long-distance E-affair with some guy in another state that she met while he was visiting here and they are going to separate and potentially divorce (she is not sure yet). Her H is aware of this. She is 100% WAW script in her feelings and thoughts. She was talking about moving to be where OM is or OM perhaps moving to here and starting new life. I could almost see the fog in her eyes. It was enlightening for me to be able to talk to her and get a real sense of what my W is/was feeling (especially at the outset of our sitches). Her H also is apparently in the midst of 180's (his bomb was last week) and she said how it pissed her off that it only happened now and she didn't trust the changes. I validated her hurt, resentment and anger, but also suggested that she take a deep breath and slow things down so that she could make any decisions she made from a calmer place. I suggested she consider getting a counselor for herself and an attorney, that she put her R with OM on the backburner while she tried to sort out her feelings re: H and their M, that she begin doing pleasurable/rewarding activities for herself, and that she read some books on R's in trouble to help her sort through her feelings. She asked me to suggest some. Should I give her DR or are there other ones that would be useful/helpful to a WAW in need? Her main stated complaints against him are that he drinks too much, that he is controlling, that he hasn't listened to her or her needs, and that he doesn't respect her thoughts, feelings or actions.

4) Neighbors had me and the D's over for dinner yesterday. Fun time hanging out with them and my D's played with their kiddos.

5) Went running with my running club Monday and today PM. My mileage is coming up and my body's remembering the old routine. Love the feeling.

6) W called me yesterday AM and late PM to vent about some stuff related to her work. I listened and validated and tried to be supportive. She thanked me for listening each time. She also called me this PM on her way home from work. She asked me if I wanted to go to dinner (sushi) with her and the girls. I said it sounded like fun, but I was on my way to go running and hoped they had a good time. Then she called me like 2-3 minutes later just to tell me that our D2 had written a W and said, look mama, a W. She's either missing the family vibe or me today, I guess. With an emphasis on today... =) It's not wrong of me to validate her and listen to her when she calls is it? Should I just drop bombs on her? STOP CALLING ME, WOMAN! I'M SO DONE! I'M OVER IT!

7) Doing craptons of laundry right now. Holy hell where does it all come from.

8) Tomorrow is shower regrout day.

Overall, feeling pretty happy right now =)

[pinhead]

Busto,

You need to go to Tony's Jacal. It's a great little Mexican joint in Solana Beach. My family has been going there for 5 generations.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Busto,

You sound good, and -- more importantly -- I like your plan(s).

Keep it up!!

Puppy

[FaithnAK]

It's not wrong of me to validate her and listen to her when she calls is it? Should I just drop bombs on her? STOP CALLING ME, WOMAN! I'M SO DONE! I'M OVER IT!

Overall, feeling pretty happy right now =)

LMAO.

Keep up the good work bud.

[bustorama]

So, again, haven't updated in a couple of weeks.

1) I'm on the alt now if anyone else is there. Easy to find me (BUSTO)

2) Finances are separated. W got mad/sad about this, but oh well.

3) Keeping on doing my own thing / not initiating stuff with W. For my half-marathon training, I signed up with my running team as part of a fund-raiser for liver disease. We had a meeting for it last night (with taco bar =) ). If anyone is interested in contributing a little tax-deductible something to an extremely worthy cause, please contact me on the alt. My running had a little setback last week cause I think I had ramped up mileage a little fast, but I backed off this week and tendon has settled down. Fun people in the running group =) One of the cute girls in the group I met a few weeks ago keeps inviting me to stuff. I'm not interested in dating now, but it's flattering.

4) Went to rodeo (lol) with friend and his kiddos. Great time.

5) Going to have neighbors over for dinner and playing with girls this wknd.

6) Got bids and ordered new windows/sliders installed on house (to be followed by new shutters, new front door and some new chandeliers/lamps). They should be in mid-November. W seems interested in the fact that I am changing things up in house (I told her my plans and asked her if she wanted to participate in decisions or not). She seems to have mixed feelings about it -- happy that I am changing house, angry that I didn't take time previously to work on it when she wanted to.

7) Things between W and me are still in limboland. Last wknd was interesting. Friday night, W invited me to have sushi with her and girls. Two things of sake and lots of laughing. After sushi, I had friend over for a couple of beers and talking about his R issues.

Then on Saturday, after D's soccer game, W invited me to go shopping at Macy's to get more clothes for me "cause she had a coupon." (this was strange/unexpected to me because I couldn't think of any way that it benefited her other than hanging out together because she was having to deal with the girls while I was doing all the shopping?!?!). She watched girls while I picked out some new clothes for myself and modeled them for her. Got a bunch of new jeans that fit me better from the running. Then we ate at Red Robin and had some margaritas and more fun. Then, after swim lessons on Sunday, W invited me to go to Chevy's with her and the girls and then watched Padres game. She was on phone with one of her BF's while we were together talking about H and I this, H and I that.

At some point during the interactions on Sunday (at her apt), W said she felt "safe" in her apartment. I told her I was happy she felt safe, I wanted her to feel safe. Then she said (again) she still didn't feel safe in our house because of the bad associations from the past (EA, me being neglectful tool). But then, she said she had felt safe with me all day. I told her I was happy she felt safe with me and asked her to let me know how else I can help her feel safer. She said she thought it would just take "some more time." Her IC told me last week before this to keep being patient and giving her time and space.

The house thing seems to be a big deal for her -- almost like post-traumatic stress disorder -- like the house reminds her of all the shitty stuff I did to her there. But, she seems to be getting more comfortable/safer with ME separate from the house since she keeps initiating weekend contact?

I've left her alone since Sunday. She called yesterday to tell me about something funny with D5 and invite me to meet them at sushi place again. I told her I would stop in and say hi but was going to meet my running group after that for dinner meeting.

8) W still seems depressed and emotionally unstable to me. She called me up at one point wigging out on Tuesday with the kids. She said she couldn't take it anymore and she couldn't take the kids anymore that I could have them for full custody while she would need to go live in Seattle with her mom and dad to keep trying to recover. I told her I was so sorry she was feeling that way, and if she felt that was her only option she should do it. She hasn't said anything about it since.

Any thoughts? I really would love contributions to the American Liver Foundation if anyone is interested =)

[pinhead]

Busto, sent you a friend request on the alt. Don't accept it, I was dumb and used my normal FB account... doh

[pinhead]

Busto, you sound good. Keep doing what you're doing, she might be moving towards you.

I also think the house just has bad associations for her that'll have to just pass with time.

Keep giving her space and time. Don't be too available for her, but don't discourage her either.

The running club sounds cool. I'll have to see if there's one in my town.

[bustorama]

Thanks, Pin! Yeah, I really enjoy the running club. Easy way to meet people and keep company on runs that you want company on. Also helps training in that if you want to get faster you can latch on to someone a little faster than you and they can pull your training along when you run with them (and you can pay it back by doing the same for someone else). There's about 45 people from my group signed up for either the half or full so lots of people of different paces to run with.

It's funny you mentioned Tony Jacal's. I've always wanted to go there. I go to Fidel's which is like right next door to it all the time but have never tried Tony's. Next time I'm down there I'll switch it up. I've heard it's kind of like the Coke vs. Pepsi debate.

I saw your friend request on the alt with your real account but not with your "dummy" account. Did you not send it yet?