Perspective

[DanF]

...I have been here reading all these stories for about two weeks and decided I need to post my story since I am not like anyone here....

Seems a little light and shallow for you R2C...

Intentional (with a little humor).

Doh! I must be dense.

[PEI]

"My first wife could match me hit for hit and drink for drink, and she could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch. I was only 26 years old, so how was I supposed to know that wasn't love?" -- Steve Earle

You mean that isn't?????

LMAO!
PEI

[AJM]

Hi Greek.

So I wonder, for those of you on the journey to save your marriage, sharing on this forum, seeking, reaching out – could you construct a post from your spouse’s perspective? To the LBS ~ what would your WAS post if they were the one to find this place first? What would their handle be and how would they title their thread? Can you put yourself in their shoes and construct that first post? Just thinking about that, whether you actually write it, could be so helpful to you.

Nope. I honestly cannot. I very much would like to, but to be honest, and I am being brutally honest here even with myself, I don't know enough information from her to give her perspective.

Timeline: we had a good marriage for 16.5 years (roughly). Not a lot of big issues. We fought over how to raise/discipline the kids. Ocassionally about money. She went back to school to be a dentist. About 2 years into it the stress was really getting to her. She was at a point where she couldn't deal with anything. I noticed. I tried to help. I tried to get her to spend more quality time with the kids. Within 9 months of the last good time we could agree we had together, she wanted out more than anything in the world. She shut me out and became more and more selfish. I pursued. She told me she needed to get away and (physically as well as emotionally) pushed me away. Literally pushed me one day. I would guess she would tell the story as me being too smothering at the time. She began to relive her childhood days. Even my teen daughter didn't dress like that and began to borrow her mom's clothes Not sure why. She did mention she wanted to date other people. But gave reasons such as "because of the way you were with the kids" or "because of my childhood" or others I don't even recall any longer.
In the end, I don't have enough information to know why she left. Honestly. I've spent two years (much without sleep) looking for that reason. So I asked the MC we both had talked to in the beginning. She tells me we are one of the rarest couples she has ever counseled. Like that helps, right? She told me it was mostly her and some me, meaning I did have some things to change about me. Which I did, but did them for me. She was right about those.
I watched as she went through identity after identity. First her school friend. Then new friends. I could identify them. It was like she was trying on coats, except they were personalities. Weird to me. She later told me she went on AD meds. I could see that depression. I can still see it. I could see and feel the guilt as if it were a lead coat that covered everything in the room. Totally not like her. She accused me of being controlling, without drive, etc. I evaluated those things about me, but realized that it wasn't me she was really talking about. She later said the same before leaving.
When I asked her why, she said it was because she couldn't stand to see me. She felt it was the right thing for her and that we'd always be friends. I told her that wouldn't be possible. It's not. There is no trust. She burned the relationship down to the ground and I had no choices in that. Very difficult to do, but I watched the whole thing knowing that I couldn't do anything about it.

What would she say was the reason? I haven't a clue. I don't think she would know or the story would change depending on the person and the day the question was asked. And that's an honest evaluation.

It has made it very difficult to let go. The anger she showed for so long was very irrational. I realize now it was due to her processing whatever she was thinking/doing. Did she have an affair? I don't know, but I did find evidence pointing to one or more. Did she walk away from the kids? Yep. Still is even after she moved out a second time. Is she still cycling through new friends? Yep. I hear about it from the kids even though I ask them not to tell me.

What would her perspective be? I do not know for sure. I know that she feels she cannot be married to me any longer. She no longer is in love with me but figures she will love me forever. I know she never once said anything about the way I loved her or our relationship, but that she didn't want to be married to me any longer. This was after she re-remembered our history (as she had told it to the MC prior) to be very dark. She has since changed that perspective (meds?) but it is what it is.

What do I think? I think she shattered and is still putting herself back together. I think she has had an affair. I think she is still running away, although may be realizing it's not from me. I think she feels horribly guilty about leaving the kids but cannot stop. I think she has become incredibly selfish and doesn't like that person, but can't figure out how to be different. I think she would agree with some of that. I don't honestly know.

I think she is confused. I think she would blame the entire thing on me and the way I am with the kids. I think she would then say, "no, that's not it". I think the MC is right that I'll be completely done (how much longer?) and she will, sometime after that make up her mind. After she finishes with school. I won't be there then, and I know that. The trust is gone. If it was just about the school and her career I wouldn't live with the person that sold out her family for her career. I'm not wired that way. If it was just her shattering, it's sad because it will be too late. She left twice - once on mother's day and once again about 2 months ago. It's not my choice if she tried to come back, but it is mine if I let her. I will not be able to and I know it.

She would say she is sad. She would likely blame it on me. She would likely list things that are my fault. Many of them have been and are untrue, meaning I can't change those things if they could be changed. I would have at one point if that was the case. But I have no way to be perfect enough and let her date other people etc.

It's why the MC told me in the beginning that it was 90/10. Not because fault matters. It does not. But because she wanted me to know I couldn't change things enough for her. Ever.

Did I ramble?

Your thoughts of course are always welcome.

[AJM]

Something else that occurred to me. She might also say that she no longer loves me (reason not certain) - why won't he just accept that?!??
Her family can't figure it out. My family can't of course. To be honest, she really doesn't seem to know either. Just lives with her feelings and goes by it. Not sure why commitment isn't an issue, but I suspect depression and pressure have a lot to do with it. It may have a lot to do with why she can't give the kids much of her either (that's my opinion based on what the kids tell me and what I see when they cry on my shoulder.)
In the end, it's difficult to really say what she would say. But all along she has wanted me to divorce her. At one point she wanted to be the wounded spouse and went so far as to try and get me to hurt her physically. Thankfully that ended before too long. She tried to get me to be jealous. She tried to hide things.
Is there an OM? Quite possibly. Can I prove it? Nope. Does it matter? Also no. Not any longer.

Really can't figure it out. I've searched me. I can say it was very painful. I've found some things I needed to change. Not things towards her. Other areas of my life and relationships. I've been told by many friends and professionals that I likely won't be able to figure it out. I've been told that long after I'm gone she'll make her decision about what she wants. That may not happen, but then it might. I continue to wonder why she tries to control me or to irritate me by letting me know where she is going to be (as late as Tuesday she did that) or to guess at what I'm doing. Who knows? I don't. Can't see the future. Can't figure out her past. Can't figure out all the things she's said or why she treated me like her father and rebelled against me. For a long time I've felt like I've paid the price for somebody else's sins. There is a part of that. Don't know why or what they are.

I guess I'm venting a bit too. I'm done