DC..I know the feeling of the stress that work puts on you. I did the same thing you have done, bring the work and stress home.
What I do now after a stressful day before I come home,(and if)before I have a beer,is to:
Stop at the front door. Take a deep breath..or two..sometimes three. Say a small prayer that its just work " I can handle it." Think positive thoughts or what positive thing I can say to the wife and/or kids. Remember to ask wife how her day was before any other questions or gripes. Put on a smile. Enter...
Just the smile and deep breaths alone can change my attitude quick. Once the positive vibe is shown off, W and kids are happy to see me. In turn they make me happy. Then work is all but a faded memory till the next day.
Find what does work, for me the above does.
As for being the home body, I too was the same. I still like to be home, but did find some things that the wife(and kids) and I enjoy together. Is there something at home y'all do together? I found that watching a show my wife enjoys and talking about it after wards makes great small talk. This worked extremely well we were seperated and started slow. Y'all could find some other hobby to enjoy together, even if it is something simple as a walk together.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
That's a great technic to practise before walking through the door, wish I had asked this question months ago!
Last night was all polite and non-confrontational, she asked if I would be in tonight at 6.30 as she had to go somewhere, possibly to view a property?, not sure, but I'm trying to remember that is out of my control so I will not ask where she is going,etc.
She was on the phone when I walked down stairs in running gear and nearly fell off the sofa when I said I was going for a run!, big 180 from me there!!!
Got back in, she was still on the phone, just say "night" and went up stairs for a shower and bed, she slept in seperate room again, something else I have no control of.
I have an invite from works to a huge social event onFriday, something I know she would love, I have forwarded her the email invite this morning asking if she would like to go, not sure she will, but I have been polite and asked the question, I would like her to go but if she says no, I will go alone, no problems.
As to what I want from my marriage?, I have thought about it.
It was very intimate most of the time,we had sex most days before the situation deteriated, so I have no worries there.
She can be quite secretive about certain things, nothing major, but it could be to avoid any conflict with me, I would like her to be totally open, but my actions might be the reason behind it, not sure?
She is far too soft with the children though, which really gets to me,she knows it,and the kids totally play on it, then I step in, probably shout too much due the way she has acted and suddenly I'm the bad guy, I'm sick of being the bad guy to our kids, why should I be used as a threat to them, " behave or I'll tell your father", that gets to me!!
She is a good mother, but cannot cook, and has no interest in it, so the kids will get microwave chips and rubbish like that for dinner, I get in later so it's not as easy as me taking over the cooking, I do when I can, but its not always practical, when I say anything about that it's turned on to me not being there, I'm at work not sat in a bar somewhere!!!
I know I have to work on me and my faults to be a better person, husband and father, and I'm not going to let anything stop me from achieving it, if we split, I know I have contributed, by I faced my issues and addressed them, I will not walk away from my family, that's the easy option, move on forget, just carry on as you are, that will not help the situation or me.
We are still living together, although seperate bedrooms still.
We speak in a friendly manner, the children are quite relaxed and all is fine for the moment.
The social day on Friday she could not attend as she couldn't get the time off work at short notice, not sure if true but I'm still going.
She went out last night for an appointment, she said it was some medical reason, came home a few hours later, cannot help but think it was property viewing, but nothing to base that on.
Told her I had a doctors appointment today, to which she was keenly interested, why, what you going to say, etc, told her it was about my moods, she said hopefully they will be aqble to help?
Then I mentioned I was going out tonight, I then got where, who with, why, full of questions?, told her it was with a certain friend, she knows him, then she said oh, good.
Now I might be reading too much into this but I gotthe feeling she thought it was with a woman, hence the interest.
I am still running, well, 2 nights in a row!!, and feeling good about myself!
Doctor has said I seem to be depressed, I thought this already, and he has provided tablets, hopefully things will get better, I just hope I have not left this all too late for the sake of my family?????
I went snooping around her stuff when she went to the gym to find about houses or anything, when she got back she knew I had been in her handbag, the bomb went off!!!!
Denied it at first then told her I was trying to find out what's going on, she said this had knocked her back and she was sick of me trying to control her life?
I told her I am scared of loosing her and the kids, and she said that I should have thought about that earlier, rather than acting the way I have been, I agreed totally with her.
She also said that she was sick of the way I was trying to help out around the house and with the kids, she said it was weird and too much, I said I was only trying to be a better person to both her and the kids, but she said it was all too much, not sure what to do with this now, I want to help and want to make a change, but if it making the situation worse do I continue???
I have also stopped drinking any alcohol in the house, she said this was also just an act and why don't I just have a drink, I told her I had identified it as an issue and was taking charge of the problem.
I just don't know what to do now, evrything had settled down until I went snooping around, I hate myself for it!!
I'm still taking my meds, got me a bit spaced out at the minute, and hope she can see I'm trying to change, just hope it's not all too late
It's pretty common for the spouse to get upset about changes the LBS makes. Part of the script. You probably went overboard a bit. Take a look at what you were doing, and remember, if something is not working, change it up.
I'm going to throw my $.02 in and hope it helps. I'm actually a WAW (that hasn't left yet) and so I kinda get where your wife is coming from.
The snooping thing...yeah that was a big f#ck up. But what's done is done. My H did it to me and I lost it. It is not only controlling but it will damage the trust between the two of you. Even if you had found something what were you going to do with it? It's hard as hell to sit back and not know what's going on but you've already said you can't control her so try to look more at the positives (even if they are super small). I mean I know she is sleeping in different rooms but at least she is still in the house...that's something. Try to find the positive and hang on to that next time the anxieties hit.
The kids/house thing...that might be just her. In my sitch I have told H that what I really need is for him to focus on him and give me a little time and patience to work through this. I would think that if your W hasn't really been complaining about your involvement with the kids/house then maybe you should focus on something that has been bothering her. Too many changes to fast may seem short lived and possibly fake to her.
Just my opinion, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
You've been advised to sleep in your own bed/bedroom (probably THE most non-controversial, unanimous, CONSENSUS issue in all of DB-land), and to stop taking all of the blame for your marital dysfuction.
You've done neither.
This defensive, apologetic, supplicating behavior WILL NOT WORK, and it's only TURNING YOUR WIFE OFF.
If you're going to gather intel, then do it systematically, secretly and intelligently, and if you get caught it's simply "I'm trying to fight for our marriage, and I would do it again if I felt it was threatened."
She went out last night for an appointment, she said it was some medical reason, came home a few hours later, cannot help but think it was property viewing, but nothing to base that on.
How many medical appointments have you had in the evening?
I have had doctor's appt's during the day but never at night.
I've gone to the hospital emergency room in the evenings and nights for myself, others, friends, children, etc.
But appointments at night?
Not likely.
It's possible she's looking at "property" aka real estate but if she asked you to move out, wasn't she intending on staying in your current home then?
Don't be surprised if she went out for some coffee or a drink or two with a "friend".
I'm pretty sure there is no OM involved, in fact I'm positve so that's not an issue.
The problem is me, I have made mistakes and I accept that, but I just want to put things right, maybe I have been too keen to put the wrongs right but who wouldn't.
I am still in the marital bed, she is in another room, and I am not chasing after her, I have backed off her totally, focused on me and the kids and all seemed ok, then I f**ked up last night, we had not spoke about "us" since last Monday, but obviously it came out again after she found out what I had done.
She is hurt, I know that, I just want to help her, but that's something I cannot do, I just need to think about me and the kids, but it's not easy!!!
