It's wonderful to see another side of you emerging.
A reputable counselor is objective whose focus is on the client's wellbeing, in this case a five year old boy who exhibits troubling behavior. Whose parents are divorced. Divorced couples are known to have difficulty working together.
At this point, it's not about your wife's backpedaling or your perceived attitude toward her boyfriend.. as you well know, it's about your son. What is best for him.
It's like arguing over who has the flyswatter when the current is taking the canoe out to sea.
Sorry to hear you're in a tough position. But I'm so glad to read your new perspective on yourself.
Yes. I wouldn't use that C either. It sounds like she is going to continually tear you down. You're only recourse is to always stand tall. When you do that, everyone notices ... teachers, other parents, your kids.
No way should you ever accept OM as a co-equal. My mom went through a series of men after her divorce and they were nice enough. But I only had one dad.
This is a struggle we'll eventually see from another side. I think I'll probably remarry some day and it'll most likely be someone with kids. So at that point I'll be the OM and that'll be ... strange. You'll want to treat those kids as if they were your kids but without getting in between the relationship they have with their real father.
Life is just going to get more complicated.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
You won't be the OM if you aren't breaking up a R. My kids and I have talked about this a lot...why this is different than what Daddy did. It is going to be difficult with other kids are involved. Just be another source of advice and not step into the parent shoes.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yes, you have it accurately -- it does not really matter about what either of we two parents may or may not think about the other -- what matters most is our children and what best for them.
So for the C to shift the focus onto me all of a sudden, when S5 was supposed to be the primary subject, was indeed inappropriate -- especially when she had not to that point even broached the question of whether my "fears" might be the overriding consideration affecting S5, let alone established it as fact. In fact it seemed to me that the very change in questioning betrayed an odd degree of assumption on her part. As if she were already operating from a foregone conclusion.
I suddenly felt like she was trying to say that the very fate of S5's emotional development hinged entirely on my willingness and ability to encourage my S's to allow OM to be their "other father".
It gave me the eery feeling that the C was suddenly channeling my xW!
I tried to explain my own position to the C as well, that while I continue to have a hard time getting my mind around this notion that a child having multiple fathers or multiple mothers could be made to seem "normal" to a child, I do believe that peace is a desirable goal But I told her that a child has one mother and one father and that anything else just isn't normal -- and I seriously doubt anyone can prove it to be desirable or a benefit either.
And speaking for myself, I honestly do not think I could usurp or share the title and the role of another living father, even were I to marry his children's mother. And by the same token I cannot fathom that any woman with whom God decides to grace me in a new M should ever become a replacement for xW in the lives of my own children, not while xW is still alive. My S's already have a mother, just as they already have a father, and my marrying another woman should have no real impact on that.
But then I guess I follow the beat of a different drummer in that.
I suppose it does happen, but I don't think I could ever understand someone who, having gone through the sheer h*ll of being the victim of infidelity and the resulting destruction of their M and family at the hands of an OP, then commits the same crime later against another family, to become an OP themselves.
Must take a pretty frakked-up mindset to pull that one off and still be able to live with oneself.
If I ever find myself in the position of being the OM, then please shoot me dead!
As for being a step-parent, yes, it's difficult enough as it is. I happen to like most kids quite alot. But unless I am in a situation where I adopt them outright, I can at most love them like my own, but not as my own. KWIM?
S5 has recently gotten very enamored of penguins, puffins and like sea birds. But especially penguins. He's been trying to watch every wildlife show possible about penguins, reading storybooks about them, has a toy or two, etc.
It's similar to S9's lifelong fixation on orca whales. And yes, neither mommy or daddy do anything to discourage these rather harmless obsessions.
On a related note, I am always wary of what I see as my special obligation to help guide my S's education and interests, particularly in areas of "culture". One of these areas in in the art of Animation -- and as a serious aficionado of the art form, why of course I must expose them to the classic Warner Brothers studio cartoons -- Bugs, Daffy, Wiley and the like. It's my duty as their father, after all <chuckle>.
So the other night I downloaded via iTunes the classic Bugs Bunny cartoon, "8-Ball Hare" for their viewing pleasure. This particular animated short was a very memorable one that featured the little penguin character, knick-named "Playboy", which I was certain that S5 would love. And yes, S5 was most definitely delighted by this adorable little penguin character.
We sat together and watched this 8 minute animated short -- and just rolled on the floor with laughter. Tears were coming from my eyes, and S5 and S9 were hysterical.
Since then we've all been repeating the lines from the film to each other, especially the scene with the (hungry) hobo character on the train:
"Penguins is practically chickens! And I hates to see chickens cry soooo much, that I has to put 'em out of their misery..."
This evening S9 suddenly mimicked the Humphrey Bogart character, "Pardon me, but could you help out a fellow American who's down on his luck?" He said this at the dinner table after asking for a refill of his drink cup -- he had us all in stitches.
I am tickled to see that my sense of humor (albeit weird as that might be) is rubbing off on these two boys. I love them so much!
I suppose it does happen, but I don't think I could ever understand someone who, having gone through the sheer h*ll of being the victim of infidelity and the resulting destruction of their M and family at the hands of an OP, then commits the same crime later against another family, to become an OP themselves.
Hmmmmm....guess I should introduce you to my X's new wife! LOL And she did it all with a smile on her face while telling everyone they were "just friends." Guess that makes it ok. Ha
Sadly my D12 hs figured it all out. And recently she said something to me about why she couldn't at least have a decent person for a step-mom....oh yeah, a decent person wouldn't have done what she did! Out of the mouths of babes! (I never said anything to her about the affair, but he was dumb enough to bring the kids around her before we separted, and my D has recalled some inappropriate things. So when she asked I responded as honestly as I could.)
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Hey there my friend... Haven't been on here in ages, read through all your posts. and I just don't even know what to say.
It seems that she tries to get to these people before you do, to plant a seed and to give her no so good op of you and there it is. She is evil. She seriously has issues, to go from thinking her son needs therapy to "he's ok, lets see what happens" is just totally irresponsible as a parent.
Can you take him to a therapist of your choice? Can you do this without her even being a part of it? Because it seems she makes this all about her, and this is NOT helping Him.
Im not having such good thoughts about her right now *urrrgghh*
I know you can only do what you can do, I will be praying for you and hoping that you do find a therapist that can see through her BS.
((((hugs)) my friend, missed ya.
T
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Although I have to agree with your assessment, part of me catches myself whenever I try to say that xW is evil, as I can't quite say it for some reason. Part of it must be because I had for so many years placed so much faith in her character, in her truthfulness and goodness. For so long I never consciously questioned her profession of Right versus Wrong -- I guess I even came to take it for granted that even where she happened to err, her intent was always to do good and that she would always try to make amends.
Obviously, I could not have been more wrong. In fact, I now see that she has always played these "roles" with people, to make herself into something she really knows he is not. She wants everyone to go along with the lie and pretend she is this sweet, altruistic person who puts everyone's needs ahead of her own, even to the point of denying herself. She will take measures to cultivate this facade before family, friends, colleagues, co-workers, teachers, neighbors, church members, etc. -- when she is nothing like.
And yet I still cannot bring myself to call her "evil". Lost, certainly. And her actions and behaviors and values, those are most definitely cursed by evil. I see her as making mistakes, yes, and practicing horrible judgement -- the point of willful stupidity.
In that sense I actually pity her. xW would like to pretend that she is more spiritually evolved and is thus on solid moral footing than she is, but her claim to faith has proven to be utterly hollow, sadly.
I will be watching S5 (and S9) -- observing each of my S's to see if C might help either or both
