[quote=Nikita Belle] Our last couple's therapist told me privately that she and her partner, who both saw us, observed that H was basically nowhere NEAR me in emotional sophistication, introspection, etc.- I think that's what some people have wondered about us all along, how 2 such different people could be together- and they (the therapists- and they weren't trying to convince me to pursue a D, they were honestly stumped) couldn't understand why I was with him. They asked me and I couldn't find much to say except I loved him and he was a decent guy. I used to defend him to friends and family, saying we had intelligent talks, etc. and how smart he was, but at his core, he's still about 15, and that hasn't changed with marriage or becoming a dad. It's really sad. Plus, he's ALWAYS the victim in everything- work, personal life, M, $ issues, etc. So, basically, I don't know why I've been upset over this. I guess no one likes feeling dumped, but part of me kind of emotionally gave up on him awhile back, maybe I just couldn't admit it b/c I wanted to try to still work on things. I don't like to give up, either, especially not on a commitment I took very seriously, although I guess he didn't.
[quote=Nikita Belle] at his core, he's still about 15, and that hasn't changed with marriage or becoming a dad. It's really sad. Plus, he's ALWAYS the victim in everything- work, personal life, M, $ issues, etc. /quote]
You must be married to my W's evil twin...
Ah, maybe I am! There seem to be a lot of relations out there among my online friends. This victim mentality is getting old, particularly since I am blamed about 90% of the time for his issues. I kind of hope he doesn't work on this but takes it with him to his next R he tries to make and gets someone who will just bluntly say: that is pathetic. You're 41 and everyone else dictates your life and is "out to get" you. That is so sad. I seem unable to say anything approaching that without a major fight so I don't bother. I just hope he doesn't passs too much of this on to our D. It's no way to live.
Ironically (and it makes me irritated), he constantly labels me as the "complainer" who's "always mad about something"- if he actually stopped to SEE me and pay attention he'd realize I do very little of this anymore, though I may have in the past. I take care of my stuff and responsibility for it, too. And with the exception of him and his behavior, I don't really have anger towards anyone. He, OTOH, is just like oppressed man everyone's trying to keep down and the anger is at a constant near-boil stage with him, it escapes fairly often these days when he lashes out at me. I am sick of this fantasy he's made up about me and how I am that he keeps projecting. As long as I'm with him I can't get free of it, and it's not doing me any good to be bombarded by it constantly.
I am trying to get him to talk about custody and $, assets, etc. Funny that I have to keep this moving along now. He ignores my mentions of it, my emails (claims he is too busy-- for what? To discuss your D's future?), etc. I will also be looking for some kind of divorce child specialist to consult by myself about D.
Anyone have any good book recs about co-parenting besides the Sandcastles book, which I'm already reading? Or websites that discuss better or worse visitation schedules for various age groups?
None of the custody schedules I'm finding seem to fit or seem right. Because none of this is right, it's all wrong. I think no matter what we decide on I'm going to feel bad and guilty, like we're messing D3 up. I have a feeling I'm going to, by default, end up the chauffeur and "daily drudgery" parent and he's going to be weekend Disney dad. I don't know, maybe that is best for D, I wish I knew.
You're right NB and it's sad about D3 and I'm sorry but at this point you just have to make the best of the situation. Besides, what he's become now he's not adding any value to your life.
Take care of yourself and D3- treat yourself good because you deserve it.
(((NB)))
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Thanks for sticking with my thread, IR. It's a little lonely out here...
Had custody/visitation convo #2 w/H today. Went ok for what it is, I guess. Managed to get him out of the house alone for 2 hours and talk about everything I could think of. Feel better since talking, but worried it's just temporary...
I asked what his plan is for 50/50 custody and he says: " I take her one half of the week, you take her the 2nd. DONE." And "Are you serious?? You want to make this [custody schedule] into a whole legal thing and involve L's to write it up? [subtext: W, you make things so frickin hard and complicated, this is why I hate being with you, why can't you just be like me and be 'easy' about things?]" He doesn't want to write up our custody agreement?? And he's dead serious, folks. This is typical. The "story" is that I'm the rain on his parade when I want to do something adult like put it in writing. I hate being made to feel like that, but I'm not backing down on this, no matter how against a written document he is. I think it's part of the whole marriage settlement agreement anyway, isn't it??
He also told me he doesn't care what any "experts" think- i.e., how bad it would be for D to go 3 or 4 entire days without seeing one of us. I had to convince him this wasn't a good thing. He also balked about specifying holidays, etc. I just know him and us and we never "remember" anything the same at all, so even if it wasn't the obvious, smart thing to do, I'd write it all down and have it legalized. I hate that I am always implied to be the "not fun, annoyingly complicated adult".
On the positive side, he agreed with my 2 days each rather than 3-4 days and splitting weekends. I would like her more like 60% of the time, but didn't even try to discuss that. I figured the progress we made is pretty good. I also was extremely vocal on not introducing D to any "new friends" either of us might get. It turns out that H's dad brought strings of girlfriends into their time together after his parents split without asking H how he felt about it or caring that H was now sharing dad with some girl. Which sucks. He didn't like it as a child so I'm hoping we're on the same page here, it sounds like we are. Not that either of us has a guarantee the other won't do something dumb...
It was all so civil and amicable, it was a little strange. Not like we don't get along, it's just almost sad that we can have such a rational, calm discussion about dissolving a M.
We then talked about furniture, other stuff and at least today were pretty amiable together, "giving" each other stuff we could go either way on, etc. Verbally, I got almost everything I wanted. I will follow up with an email to him detailing the conversation. I was able to just tell myself "it's just stuff. If he wants something really badly, it's just going to prolong this to fight it out so let it go". That was a good thing to be able to do. And when I freely offered stuff, so did he, so I think we did good there.
Almost teared up at one point. I said something about renting a storage unit, to include all D's leftover baby stuff (b/c I'd like another child) and H asked: 'you want another child?' and I said yes. He said "me too." There was this sad silence. Just 14 months ago we decided to have another baby. Who was that man and where did he go???? I don't want half-siblings, I want 2 full siblings. Part of me wishes I'd gotten my baby and D a sibling out of this at least before splitting up (sounds bad, can't think of better way to put it). :-(
Looked one more time online for apartments (I only put a deposit down on one, didn't sign a lease) and of course saw like 7 more that weren't availble all these months I've been looking. So now I'm 2nd-guessing myself- most are closer to D's school and H's house, a few in my regular neighborhood, which would be comforting. But possibly more tempting to "just drive by" H's house then, I don't know. But I do like our neighborhood and they're at least 1/2 mile away from him.
So I guess I'm off apt hunting again tomorrow, to make 100% sure none of these are better. This is typical me, 2nd guessing myself even after a decision is made. I don't know that I'll be totally sure there's not a better place out there. I just need to make myself stop looking at some point.
Feeling a little sad tonight, after having gotten along w/H so well today and had this productive talk. If we're capable of this, why can't it work out, why are we doing this? We felt more like a family together with D tonight than we have in a long time. It's good we can be like that but also makes me sad that if we can, why are we separating. And able to be so matter of fact about the details. I know most would see this as a good thing, but it almost makes me feel like he doesn't care all that much or... I don't know, it's just sad.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Thanks, I did. Took D3 on a camping trip (her first) with my mom's group. I was the only single parent there, but there was always someone to watch D if I couldn't, etc. I didn't really want to come home... I observed the other couples/families there and, while I know that they probably all have their problems, I saw things that would be nice to have that I either haven't had in a long long time or maybe never did.
- someone who steps in to participate in basic childcare without being asked- or if he is asked, doesn't have a retort or passive-aggressive response - a husband quietly rubbing his wife's shoulders when she's engaged in an activity with the kids - another taking his wife's hand as we all sat around the campfire (boy, that was a moment I felt alone- everyone paired up but me).
It would be nice to have any - or, dare I hope?- all of those things in a partner who cares for and loves me...
My apartment will be available in about 3 weeks, though I probably won't move in totally right away- don't have furniture, etc. yet and need to solidify a custody arrangement. H seems to not think of any of this stuff at all, and even though this was not my choice, it looks like for my own peace of mind and to move on, I will continue to have to do whatever work is required like propose a custody schedule, etc. to not stay in limbo.
Contacted one of the Ls I liked and asked her to send me a fee agreement. Don't really have the money to spend on L right now, but need someone representing me to make sure everything is done right, etc.
Am focusing more on D3 at this time than my R. She is the most important thing in all of this. I have some names of D coaches in my area that can help with co-parenting issues and will go see one alone (nice "co-parenting" start, huh?) since H doesn't want to. I'm not as hurt anymore by how he treats me, but it really disappoints me to see him continue not to pay any attention to how this is all going to affect her and have any kind of thought or planning around it. He thinks it will "all just work itself out" and I'm sorry, when you completely blow up a 3 year old's life - the only one they've ever known- you need to be cautious about how you approach things.
Sadly, after being gone the entire weekend, after hanging out with her for about an hour (entailed him going to sleep on couch while she was left to watch a movie alone), he returned to his computer game the rest of the afternoon and evening and left her and me to our own devices. Why does he want 50% time with her when he can't even be bothered to spend a little time after not seeing her for 2 1/2 days?? I know it's his right, but have no idea why he's asserting it. How do the rest of you deal with an ex who you think is likely to or probably is either ignoring your kid when they have them? It tears me up to think of her looking forward to a couple days with Daddy and having him set her in front of the TV while he plays his game in another room. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Makes me so angry.
I bought my first furniture for my apartment last week and rented a storage unit to keep it til I move. It was both sad and a tiny bit exciting. I don't know why I'm still sad after how he treats me and given that the alternative is to hang around hoping someone who doesn't want me will change his mind... I feel like a lot of the really raw emotions have settled down - maybe b/c my brain and heart have just gotten exhausted- and I'm in this floaty limbo stage where I don't feel too much of anything except tired. I'm not excited about a new life alone, nor am I wanting to really stay and keep trying to DB. Just sad.
I am looking forward to going backpacking by myself next month- I need some alone/reflecting time and will have a lot of driving and hiking and sitting time to do that then.
In the meantime, just trying to keep things as normal as possible for D3 and continue compensating for H not being very present and involved. My GAL has calmed down a bit- I think just b/c I'm tired, my dance class ended and I'm a little depressed to be honest. I will be trying to pick it up again. But I'm worried about being gone too much in the evenings- I don't want that held against me if I try to push for greater than 50% time with D- and I have no idea if that would be a consideration but knowing H, he would definitely make a deal out of it. So I feel I need to stick close to home and make a point of being around most of the time, rather than going out with friends, etc.
Why does he want 50% time with her when he can't even be bothered to spend a little time after not seeing her for 2 1/2 days?? I know it's his right, but have no idea why he's asserting it.
I'm glad to hear you had a good time camping. Yes it sucks to feel as if you're the only one alone and everyone else is paired up. Just keep in mind the statistics say otherwise and you WILL be paired up when the time is right.
Sorry to hear about how you feel in regard to D3. While I can't really offer anything other than support just know that while he's ignoring her now but with 50% custody he's going to have to pick up the slack. You can perhaps have a discussion around it saying while it's not necessary he keeps her occupied every min of the day but at the same time it's not acceptable or appropriate to use TV as her baby sitter either! I'm so sorry he's so immature! sigh!
Good to hear about the apt though. That should be exciting. Perhaps a little unsettling too- sure, it's been a long time but you've done it before you can surely do it now! Plan a big house warming party- I'll come!
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
