Maybe possibility is a little strong? But I see what you are saying.
It's a "problem" I have been thinking a little bit about lately. It's a issue with on-line dating in general. In "normal" dating, you see a person often, maybe almost every day, and you get to know a lot about them before there's anything like a date. So even by the time you date, you kind of know that this is a person you would like to spend time with. Sure, you might get surprised, but at least you have a clue.
On-line, it's different, in that all you have are some words and some picture to decide if you might be interested in dating a person. I do find that on the first date, it's usually pretty clear, early in the date even, whether both of you are interested in a second. (And I think it is usually mutual, although I am sure there are exceptions.)
After two dates, I'm not saying you are ready for an exclusive commitment, but I think you can often know whether you are interested in finding out. You know how they talk about their former spouse (if there was one). You find out how they talk about their kids. You get some idea of their priorities, and what they are doing with their life. On the less tangible side, you see their eyes, and their smile. You get a feeling even then of if you are comfortable with them. I guess that when I say there were possibilities, all of those different things seemed positive.
The trouble with dating like this is that the dates are the only time you see the person. It seems to me that it kind of compresses the whole "getting to know you" cycle. I mean, after the first date there was a more than a peck kiss, and after the second, a lot more than a peck. But it was clear that both of us were comfortable with that. On the one hand it seems quick, on the other hand, I don't know!
I hope that helps a little! Oh, these are not movie dates! It's dinner, hopefully somewhere reasonably quiet. The point is to talk, quite a bit!
And more thing... CG, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I think there are probably as many ways to go about this as there are people doing it. Maybe more!
Thanks, Jeff, for putting all those thoughts out there for me!
I agree 110% there is no right way to do "this" (wouldn't it be GREAT if there was?!).
You just seem so open to the process and getting to know somebody and you seem to do it with great ease. I am in this mental trap of freaking out when I think too much then freaking out when I don't think too much. I am more prone to say YIKES this won't work because of ONE stupid thing rather than say WOW this might be very cool because of lots of good things.
I realize this is all my own doing and only I can put a stop to this ridiculous behavior but it's really challenging for me.
So what I am saying (if you can even keep up with all my BS, lol!) is that I admire you because you seem to be able to see the big picture of a person rather than honing in on one "red flag".
Like I wonder how somebody could think I am one way even though it is so NOT me. Then I realize, well, DUH, *let* them get to know you before you just run away because of one odd comment.
You and Kerry especially seem to just go with the flow. I would like to NOT freak out!
I dont kiss until the 8th to 10th date. I am concerned that hormones kicking in might confuse my judgement. Plus, I am a shy guy who is a bit nervous around someone I dont really know.
Kerry - that is shocking to me that you say you are a shy guy and nervous around new people.
I NEVER would have guessed that!
I am not shy per say but I do have a very low tolerance for what I deem annoying. It's horrible of me, I know. Because what I think is annoying probably isn't to a "normal" person. What makes me "freak out" is really just "normal" stuff.
You will get there, CG, in time! You are thoughtful, smart, look great in yellow... that's going to match just right with someone!
Just remember that a second date is a commitment to nothing more than a second date. And it's ok to pay attention to the "red flags" to some extent, you will often be right. I try to remember that on the first meeting we are both really nervous, whether it's showing or not. But if you decide to just enjoy that moment, not worrying about what it all means, I find you can usually get past that.
I dont kiss until the 8th to 10th date. I am concerned that hormones kicking in might confuse my judgement. Plus, I am a shy guy who is a bit nervous around someone I dont really know.
Hmmm, I don't approach it with a plan like that! Sometimes there might be a kiss, sometimes not. If I though too much about it my head might explode.
I do believe there are a good many ladies our age who are deterred from Jeff and I because we have kids still in our care. Most ladies my age already have their kids out of the house and are done with that part of their lives. If such a lady were to ever observe my kids fighting with each other, they would be high tailing it as fast as possible.
The lady I am seeing now has 29 and 31 year old sons. The 29 year old lives with her for the time being. She has yet to meet my kids.
I believe you are right about the kids, Kerry! I actually think that had a lot to do with what happened with the previous woman I was seeing. She expressed concern at being 5th. Those of us with kids know it isn't like that, those without don't always get that.
Thanks, Jeff. I do try and be thoughtful (and often fail) but I'm not so sure about the "smart" thing anymore
I feel like I learned a lifetime of lessons about marriage and long term R's but I know nothing about anything else that is my life NOW.
I have to do LOTS of thinking about work, finances and my health so I kind of don't want to think about anything else too hard. But I feel like if I stop thinking then little odd things slip by and then OH HELL I might be in too deep.
And really, I feel terribly sorry for the person that might actually have to deal with my insanity on an intimate level.
It's all kind of crazy. Kerry, your friend has a son that is just about my age!
My mom got remarried when she was 58. She was alone after her divorce for 13 years! I mean she wasn't unhappy but she really did things that SHE liked and I think for the most part really enjoyed the time. But she very much felt the same way - no children unless they were adult children.
I have another friend that has 3 teenagers and she also said under any circumstance she would not date a guy with young children.
For me I know it's a good possibility given my age that people I meet might have young children. It's a VERY overwhelming thought.
