Agreed. I played it from launch until April of 2010. It probably was one of the biggest reasons she emotionally separated from me. Now, there are reasons why the game was so attractive to me, that I can't blame the game. But still. I'd like to have those years back.
Well I never played anything like it, so it was just SOOO addicting, played it for 3 years. During that time I failed to realize my W detaching, how much friggin time went by and how fast, and really how I became the laziest person on the planet. Add in my addictive personality and it's been an absolute nightmare for me. I'm not even happy with the "good" times while playing it.
I know we can't change the past, but I'm so happy that I've began "constructive" use of my time and life.
Agree wholeheartedly. I was abducted by an alien during those years...
Agreed, Pin and Faith -- friggin addictive comp games. Yeah, the guilt and self-anger for allowing ourselves to go down that road is a real bugaboo, ain't it??
I keep having to remind myself to use it as a motivation to improve and move forward and not to let it be a tool by which W can manipulate me or by which *I* beat myself up too much or demean myself. I think you have to forgive yourself before your W can forgive you.
Puppy, regarding your point re: being sensitive to wife maybe using my past indiscretions as way to justify her own current behavior or manipulate me vis-a-vis her current behavior -- there may actually have been something along this vein that happened in July. I told her I was aware of her texting and facebooking alot with a couple of old high school friends from her from out of town (I had names from reverse lookups and phone #'s from cell log), and I wanted to be clear with her that any sort of EA-type affair behavior on her part was a dealbreaker for me. That I could not tolerate being married to a person in which the other person was engaging in EA behavior. That I had been there and done that and seen what a slippery slope it was and how damaging and hurtful it had been to her and our relationship. And that I would not be able to remain married with her and would file if I saw evidence of that. She got really angry at me and accused me of snooping and said she was "done and wanted a divorce." She said that I was being self-righteous now that I had finally changed and how could I have the nerve to accuse her of doing something she wasnt doing and to tell her it was not ok for her to do something like that when I had done it. I said, I'm just telling you what my boundaries are and told her goodbye. I kind of had written our marriage off at that point with how angry she was. Then she called back 4 hours later and apologized like crazy about her reaction and since then has been more open about her texting and facebooking. Maybe I nipped something in the bud, or she was just pissed about me boundary setting when I hadnt been minding my own boundaries before? It's something I am keeping my eyes and ears open for still.
How do I find y'all's threads? I've read some of each of y'all's but have trouble finding myself back to them. I'm gonna try to put this thread link in my sig after I post this.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Agreed, Pin and Faith -- friggin addictive comp games. Yeah, the guilt and self-anger for allowing ourselves to go down that road is a real bugaboo, ain't it??
I keep having to remind myself to use it as a motivation to improve and move forward and not to let it be a tool by which W can manipulate me or by which *I* beat myself up too much or demean myself. I think you have to forgive yourself before your W can forgive you.
Yes, ALLOWING myself to lose self-control was very disturbing. Even though I still become angry/uncomfortable at the thought of that memory, I have realized I can't change the past and I am taking steps to really begin figuring myself out. It's been alot easier to forgive myself knowing now that I'm preventing my future from being as messed up. Strongly suggest reading "Hold on to your N.U.T.s"; "No More Mr. Nice Guy"; and "Ways of The Superior Man". They have really helped me.
Originally Posted By: bustorama
How do I find y'all's threads? I've read some of each of y'all's but have trouble finding myself back to them. I'm gonna try to put this thread link in my sig after I post this.
You can click on our names and view posts. I haven't linked mine but my journaling post is titled Enlightening.
Thanks, both of you guys found them. Instructive trajectory to your story, Puppy...
Quick journal:
W called on her way home to her place from work. She asked briefly about kids (I have them tonight), then shared highlights of her day with me for 20 mins on her way home from work. Longer than the 5-7 minute calls she used to make a month ago that only involved her asking about the kids. She was in a happy vibe telling me the stories and having just had dinner with a couple of girl friends. She appreciated my suggestion of downloading voice-guided meditation or background music MP3's for her meditation nook that she is now starting for herself as a daily AM activity at her place. She also called me a couple of other times during day to touch base about random things. Back on 6/24 I had written as a "take stock" baby step that I would like for her to talk to me positively about something in one of our lives other than the girls, and I would say that baby step has been reached.
I also received a nice thank you card from her and a few hugs for helping her with her surgery process, and one of the baby steps I wrote on 6/24 was that I would like her to thank me warmly when I do something for her, so that one has been met or is beginning to be met.
May need to update my take stock baby steps in the next week or two, hope so....
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
W called me in AM to remind me about something about one of our girls' preschool. Then called me on her way home from work. Asked what I was up to and said there was a BBQ that afternoon at her apartment complex with raffles and stuff. Told her I was getting my haircut and was thinking of going for a hash run (on! on!) afterwards. She said again about the apartment BBQ and said how some mutual friends of ours would be there and she was going to go with the girls. I asked her if she was inviting me and wanted me to come. She said, if you want to come, you can. I again asked her if SHE was inviting me and she wanted me to come and she said "yes, even though it was my 'free night' [read, night without girls]. I told her I would come and we should make some cocktails and partay it up.
So I get there and we have a decent time at the BBQ hanging out with our friends. I take the girls to playground for a lil while with my buddy and his boys so she can chat with her girlfriend. After BBQ, we walk back to her apartment and say bye to our friends. I go up and help get girls ready for bed and tuck them in. At one point during this, she comes in and takes her bra off and starts looking at her boobs in the mirror in front of me (post-surgery). I go over and have a look and caress her tummy and side briefly, then go back to putting kids to bed. Then say I'm gonna make some cocktails would she like a Captains and Pepper. She says yes and I cut her a piece of cheesecake she made a couple of nights before.
We hang out and talk some. I can tell she is a little nervous and sort of "hiding" behind her mobile phone plucking away at facebook in between conversation. I am quiet and don't push conversation. She opens up and admits that she is scared and sometimes uses facebook as a safety wall between us. I say I understand that you are scared, I totally get that. I know that you use facebook on your mobile as a wall to feel safe and as a tool to cope with anxiety. I get that, and it's ok. I tell her I will do anything I can to help her feel more safe and secure, and if there's anything she wants to talk about ever I am all ears.
We start talking more about more random stuff and she shares some of her facebook world with me. Then she starts telling me a story about one of her exes. I used to be too jealous to listen to stories she wanted to tell me about her exes, but I no longer am. At some point she asks if I had heard the story, and I said no. She remarks that before I wouldnt ever let her tell me about them and I wouldnt want to hear them. I tell her yes I am sorry for not letting you share that with me before, I am not like that anymore and appreciate your telling me this. She goes on with the story.
At some point, I lift the blanket covering her legs and start massaging her feet and legs. She extends her legs to me and says hesitantly that this doesnt mean she wants to reconcile that she is still unsure what she wants. I tell her I understand that she is very scared and it's ok, I am happy to massage her legs. She nods, and I rub her feet and legs with lotion for 30-45 mins while we talk and mellow out.
At some point she says, she needs to drink her parsley tea (something to help her with the post-surgery inflammation). I get up and make it for her. Then she says she is sleepy. I had noticed her bedsheets weren't on the bed, and I take them out of the dryer and make her bed up while she is in the mirror popping little pimples. At one point while she is doing this she drops her panties and I tell her her pooper still looks great. She gives a half-hearted stop it, and I teasingly say YOU stop it. After a few minutes, she pulls her panties back up (sheer so I can still see her ass anyway), and I tell her her panties are hot. Give her a little slap on the ass as I walk by her into the bathroom once I'm done with the bed.
After a little more chit chat I tell her I am taking off. We hug mutually and she says goodnight sweetly. Generally good day, I guess, though I question if I am pursuing too much and/or being too much Mr. Nice Guy. I rationalize that it's not like the begging/pleading/change your mind kind of pursuit, it's more the flirty bucket filling stuff? Thoughts?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
At one point during this, she comes in and takes her bra off and starts looking at her boobs in the mirror in front of me (post-surgery). I go over and have a look and caress her tummy and side briefly, then go back to putting kids to bed.
At some point, I lift the blanket covering her legs and start massaging her feet and legs. She extends her legs to me and says hesitantly that this doesnt mean she wants to reconcile that she is still unsure what she wants. I tell her I understand that she is very scared and it's ok, I am happy to massage her legs. She nods, and I rub her feet and legs with lotion for 30-45 mins while we talk and mellow out.
At one point while she is doing this she drops her panties and I tell her her pooper still looks great. She gives a half-hearted stop it, and I teasingly say YOU stop it. After a few minutes, she pulls her panties back up (sheer so I can still see her ass anyway), and I tell her her panties are hot. Give her a little slap on the ass as I walk by her into the bathroom once I'm done with the bed.
though I question if I am pursuing too much and/or being too much Mr. Nice Guy. I rationalize that it's not like the begging/pleading/change your mind kind of pursuit, it's more the flirty bucket filling stuff? Thoughts?
Hey Busto! It does sound like a good day!
She is having her cake. She's teasing the F*&k out of you Man. Go read John28's post and see where this "flirting" got him. Go read Robx's original post where he talks about his W "wiggling her A$$" in front of him. (I'll bump it up for you)
She is in a way controlling you and if all of a sudden she STOPS this your in for one hell of a let down. If she doesn't know for sure if she wants to reconcile, then maybe if you stop massaging her, looking at her body, slapping her A$$, or pay attention when she blatantly flaunts her goods...then maybe she will change her mind. Right now she is controlling you by 1) empowering herself by your desire for her and 2)letting you know what you can't have. STOP it!
She's got you right where she wants you and if you stand up for yourself and not allow her to hold over you an obvious weakness, then she's gonna be forced to see that you have self respect and confidence.
Maybe someone else will see it differently, but I don't think it's a good thing for you right now. It's weak and supplicating and all to common.
So this is interesting. Since that "good" Friday, I may have continued to be a little too solicitous and the cat may be pulling away again?
On Saturday, I agreed to watch the kids for her so she could go get a massage. I took them shopping for groceries with me, asked my W before she left if she wanted anything for her place too while I was there. She listed some things which I picked up for her and dropped them off with a dozen roses (ugh, I know, boo me). She thanked me for the groceries and for watching the kids but balked a lil about the roses saying "we should save money." I told her they didn't cost that much and that I didn't intend to make her feel uncomfortable. No more roses (for awhile at least...)
Went out with a buddy Saturday afternoon into the wee hours and we had a hellaciously good time (allegedly).
Sunday, saw W for maybe 5 mins at swim lessons for kiddos. She left to get herself water and coffee and said she was all dehydrated cause she didn't have any water at the house. She was acting sort of anxious and agitated in general. She was concerned about a stitch pulling out on her boob and showed it to me and said she had felt all edgy and anxious all day about her healing. I validated her anxiety, said I understood why she would feel that way and said the stitch actually didn't look too bad. Thanked me for joining her at swim lesson and hanging out while she went to get her drinks. She didn't call rest of the day which was a low level of contact for what we've had recently.
Sunday PM, I went out and saw movie with a mixed pack of girl and guy friends that I'm becoming friends with since my sitch started. Arranged to go look at cycling bikes with one of the guys that rides regularly and one of the girls that also is looking to get into it. I've been doing lots of spin classes and next fun step would be to ride with some of these newer friends of mine.
Today she called me first thing in the AM asking me to come over and help her with the kids (they were at her house overnight) cause she was going to be late for work having been up til 1 am working on stuff for work. I come over and take D5 to preK and keep our lil one during AM (her care provider is on vacation). W is agitated and anxious about being late and freaking out about various things. I listen and nod and indicate I am flexible re: time and place we switch off kids around lunchtime if that will help her. She thanks me several times in AM and also at switch off time. She seems happy that I took D2 to park during my time with her.
So, basically, things been more quiet in terms of contact between us last couple of days. She has seemed agitated/anxious last couple of days, but I don't think about me, rather about other stuff in her world. No fights between us, and I've tried to be supportive about her anxieties. Hard to tell if the cat is pulling away from having gone a lil too close for comfort Fri night and/or is just distracted by other fears in her world.
I keep struggling with the balance of being helpful/responsive (180ing my previous neglect/unavailability) vs. being pursuing/solicitous/supplicating. For example, there are still some things I previously agreed to put up for her in her apartment. I put some of them up a few nights ago, then it got too late. Should I volunteer a time that is good for me to fulfill my commitment (responsive/honey-doer/follow-througher vs. pursuit/boy valet?) or wait for her to request it of me again and THEN follow-through?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Crazy sh*t. So, apparently W had been calling me repeatedly during the afternoon today and somehow I hadn't noticed the calls. She called me 2 or 3 times on my cell and 3 times on my home line (no msgs from any of them). So, I get back from gym, and she calls again (cept I thought it was first time). I answer phone and she's in full on melt-down mode struggling with our two little ones. I hear them yelling and crying in the background. W is losing it saying she can't take it, she needs to hire someone to help her watch the kids and clean her apartment, that she is in so much post-surgery pain from all the motion of taking care of them and they don't listen to her anyway. I start telling her how sorry I am about the afternoon she's having and that she is in so much pain and I would be happy to come over and help her out. She launches into a screaming rage saying that "I don't give a f*ck about how she feels and I'm probably happy she feels this way." and then hangs up on me. I debate calling back and decide not to at that moment for several reasons (self-respect, give her space/time to cool down). She calls me back in a minute crying and sad, and I again validate her upset and calmly tell her that I would be happy to come over and help out if that is what she would like. She sounds grateful and says, "yes, yes"
So, I go over. Kids are in bed by the time I get there (3-4 mins), but I go in there to settle them down a little more because they are upset from all the screaming and chaos that just happened. Pat W on shoulder and start helping out with some of the other things she had mentioned on phone that still are hurting her from the surgery (she's 3 weeks out now so improved, but since I left and she's had to take on all responsibilities again, I guess it was too much). I emptied dishwasher, washed plates, took out all the trash and recycling out to the dumpsters, made her parsley tea, and got her some pain meds. She said her back was hurting so I started rubbing her back and she said it felt good. Brought up her work files from car (crazy heavy) and then brought back down to car after she was done with them. We chat a bit about planning D's upcoming BDay party and other miscellaneous stuff. I say to her that if she was reluctant to ask me for help based on anything I had said or done in the past that I was sorry for that and I would like her to feel safe asking me for help. She said, yes, and thank you. She said she would like me to help with kids in AM and I said sure and we worked out what time, etc.
At some point she brought up that she had been calling me "all day" and I told her I hadnt gotten any msgs or noticed calls, what was it about. She said she had been trying to call me to remind about my mom's upcoming Bday and what could "we" get her.
She also shared with me that she was excited a friend was coming into town that is in the same line of work she is in and recently started her own business because that is her own dream of where she would like to take her career. I tell her that sounds great that she'll be able to talk to her about that, and that I'm excited for her.
When I left for night, lots of warm thank you's but no hugs. I just finished reading NUTS and told the needy little boy inside me not to worry about the hugs right now, that she just needs be to be supportive, strong, and helpful -- how I should have been before all this started.
I have friends that tell me I shouldn't "rescue" her like this, but I mean she is post-surgery and some things suggest she shouldnt be doing some of this physical activity for another week or two, so to me it just seems like the "right" thing to do. Am I crazy?
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