In all my tears as I have read along with RW, I did chuckle at CB: Go for the throat while he is feeling guilty.
I can't add anything more, RW, because everyone has said it all. We're all here. We've all been where you are.
And we're all getting to better, happier places.
I've been feeling your sadness, RW, and sending you strength.
Take advantage of being at your parents. Reduced cost of living, less commute, loving grandparents to help with the kids. Let HIM kick around in an empty house, "stunned" as a deer in the headlights--duh, what? RW left? duh, just because I am having an affair and said I wanted a divorce? duh? I jus' don' get it...aahhch that makes me scream!
Please keep posting as you have the energy to. Yours has been an incredible journey.
You are all so great. Thank you for the reminders and help with perspective right now.
I am looking forward to the new doors that may open for me in the future.
My dear friend CB... I am not a "go for the throat" kinda person, which is partly why this whole thing has been such a struggle for me. But, I do know that it is only wise for me to "take advantage" (so to speak.... I even have trouble with that!) of his current guilt to get the best possible outcome for me and my kids.
We had a conversation last night that started off very well. We were discussing kids, finances etc. It was going well. And then it went off the rails again.... The frustrating part is that I was even telling him I needed the conversation to stop because I was getting too emotional. I think he wants so badly to justify himself and explain himself and wants me to somehow say I understand... or something. And I don't and I won't. So that's where we get stuck. Ugh. I guess I need to just walk away when that happens. But easier said than done.
Also, during this argument, he told me there were three times in the past month he was "on the verge" of begging me to take him back, but that each time we ended up in an argument so that would convince him not to. I have been thinking a lot about this since last night. I have come to the conclusion that even if he were to beg, I think right now it would be for the wrong reasons (he is scared and overwhelmed as he is facing the realities of the choices he has made). And, I would need to see a lot of personal growth and work on himself to even consider trust again anyway.
There is a very clear pattern that I do better when I am away from him. I feel strong, confident and even have moments of peace and joy again. When I am around him, I am am emotional wreck who can barely control her emotions.
I know we need to talk about kids and finances, but I realize I need to keep it to the barest minimum possible.
Tomorrow is our 20th anniversary. Struggling with it today. I have IC booked tomorrow, took the rest of the week off work. My friends are so great. A friend is taking me out for breakfast tomorrow, another friend taking me to a movie tomorrow night. And I am going camping with my family on the weekend. So I am going to focus on those positives as best I can.
Hey K, it's a roller coaster so you just have to ride it out. I hear you on the 'out of sight, out of mind' thing. It makes you want to somehow get this mess over with like yesterday so you can be free. I do anyway...I know I'll be ok when I don't have to get the letters from the Ls or deal with her on all the 'open' issues.
Anniversaries are tough- or any 'firsts' for that matter but it's important you do something fun so next year you can look back and go 'hell that wasn't all that bad! I had fun!'. So stay dark tomorrow COMPLETELY! and enjoy the day. Smart move on the IC appt and it sounds like you will have fun with your family and friends!
Keep you chin up!
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Tomorrow may be your 20th anniversary but what about today? How about today is YOUR anniversary to the start of your new life!
The milestones (or what should be the milestones) certainly are difficult, I know. It sounds like you have amazing people around you and that is cause for celebration!
There is a very clear pattern that I do better when I am away from him. I feel strong, confident and even have moments of peace and joy again. When I am around him, I am am emotional wreck who can barely control her emotions.
And that is major. Anytime you are down, think about that statement.
What movie are you going to see? Will you have popcorn? I consider it such a huge part of the movie-going experience!
Tomorrow is the start of a new beginning! You have made good choices for tomorrow, best of all because if H is gonna crack and beg for forgiveness guilt is bound to pile on him tomorrow and you are so right that he needs to do the work and you need to have the space! Will be thinking of you lots tomorrow huge hugs Rabbit xx
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
think of it this way. The more you can acquire now helps down the road with negotiations, helps with trading and helps with getting what you want. Remember to gather what you know he wants but does not know this now. So later on you trade it back for something else. Or you can offer it as an olive branch.
This is business. If you cannot handle talking this with him face to face. Write it out and converse via email.
Keep it on topic. Start to divide.
And if you are not getting what you want have your lawyer deal with the issue.
Remember divorce gets nasty. So prepare for this. The level of nastiness is up to the both of you.
And if you cannot deal with this now. Take a week and get strong to deal with it.
Then deal with it.
It is not going to go away.
Hugs RDW
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
What movie are you going to see? Will you have popcorn? I consider it such a huge part of the movie-going experience!
OK Good thing you brought this up Sol!
This is a very important question and I need feedback. My friend would like to take me to Eat, Pray, Love.... which I understand is the story of a woman after divorce. She read the book and said I might find it inspiring. Is that a good choice for me on my 20th anniversary? I have not read the book and don't know if that is a good idea or not. Thoughts?
And...... popcorn..... duh! Bring on the butter! lol
Thanks also to all of you for your support. You are right that I have fantastic friends and family! I have much to be grateful for.
CG... I like the idea of my OWN anniversary. You are fabulous!
CB... I hear you. I know D is business, and I need to remember that. It is so opposite to my nature and who I am but it is what it is.
Anyway, I have been doing better as the day has progressed, and as I have been focusing on these good things.
Bring on the butter! lol