NC, I've always noticed similarities in our sitches. I feel the freedom now too. It's wonderful! I think controlling people; sometimes it happens kind of slowly and gradually and you don't realize how much you are being controlled until later.
My kids copy our personalities too: S16 is like me; and D10 is bossy and controlling. I guess they learn from their parents. I just hope that maybe with time they'll become more balanced; S16 will be more confident and assertive, and D10 might become a little less controlling and more relaxed. I see myself doing that; sometimes it just takes a while!!!
Sounds like that C is very good, observant, and not likely to buy into your X's bs. That's wonderful to hear!!!
Karen, it's almost funny -- I look back now to the early part of the separation and recall how xW had tried so hard to assert that it was I who had always tried to control her... and that I was the one who was cold-hearted and selfish. I can be candid enough to recognize that we both had our selfish tendencies, but never did I harbor any malice towards during the time of our M, at no time did I wish her ill. Quite the opposite.
I was worried about the C, and am still a little reticent about employing her services given the consultation three years ago. xW had lied to her in front of me, putting on crocodile tars and saying that S9's problems stemmed entirely from how I neglected his mother. At the time I was trying to DB my W, trying to salvage the M, so I failed to correct xW's assertions properly. As such I hav worried that we left the C with the wrong impression, a fabrication constructed by xW and that I failed to counteract, tainting the C's view of our situation. When the C at the time was already agreeing with the then W's conclusion that the D was a foregone conclusion, predicated on xW's false tears, I decided I wasn't all that confident in the C's ability to read the situation correctly.
But apparently she's gained a little more knowledge in that time. I am willing to see how it turns out this time, three years later, for S5.
Yesterday in church the associate minister gave a very inspiring message about "soul mates". Some of what he said just struck a serious chord in me, such that I found tears welling in my eyes at the recognition of what he was saying and what it reflected in my own experience.
One thing he said was that a soul-mate is someone who cares for the well-being of your soul as much as their own. I immediately recalled my former spouse -- and I realized that by that definition I was her soul-mate, but she proved herself to not have been mine. I have always been concerned for the well-being of her spiritual health, even after the S and D. In fact that is the one thing -- if anything -- that continues to haunt me directly about her: I worry about the loss of her mortal soul and what could have taken the person I thought I knew for so many years away like that.
Conversely, I see how she has regarded me for at least the last three years -- the coldness, the hardness of her heart towards me, the continual malice and contempt she harbors for and stokes against me. As I was going through a hell on earth, the darkest days of my life, albeit at her own hand, she showed no shred of genuine compassion and absolutely no good will or concern for my soul. If I had died and gone to Hell she would have bid me good riddance and just desserts. And sadly, I do not think that thought to be mere hyperbole on my part.
It has chilled me to the marrow to recognize this. Though I loved her truly, she was not my soul-mate. More-to-the-point, she declined to be a soul-mate. That has been a profound revelation.
Much as I (still) mourn the person she was, I now see that God was leading me through this pain then so that I might escape the darkness my R with her brought me. The depression I suffered due to her checking out of our R would have eventually destroyed me had not God allowed the bomb to wake me to this harsh reality. I continually marvel at this bewildering paradox: how the most horrible event in my entire life has actually saved me.
Oh, forgot to mention another thing. Saturday I went to another dinner party and bible study with my friends. The first we've had since our July hiatus. Had a very good long talk with everyone and throughly enjoyed myself catching up with them.
I have been blessed with a great circle of friends with a lot of great insight. I just love these people!
Thanks for stopping by. School starting is always hectic and I am sorry I haven't been checking in as well as I should have. glad you are reconnecting with friends and that you feel good about that.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
NC, I just think it's easier for some of our X's to be angry and bitter at us rather than maybe look at themselves. I'm sure she has moments where she has regrets over her actions, and if not, well that would be too shallow to be believed.
I agree with you. These days are probably the happiest I've been in years. I'm tempted sometimes to thank my X, but then nah, I realize that would be silly! I do appreciate so many good friendships I've made because of the D: friends here and elsewhere. I appreciate my life and blessings much more now; I'm sure you do also...
Yes, I do appreciate things more now -- the right things. Friendships, relationships, with the right people. That includes all of you here in DB as well. I also value a more personal, more meaningful R with God. And that makes all the difference.
Life is not perfect, but then I don't expect it to be. Partly because I am all too conscious of our human fallibility ... and partly because I know that Eternity will be perfect, that takes the pressure off of the now.
I'm probably not making much sense. Too much sleep deprivation.
I got my S's this evening, beginning of a new week. It's felt like a million years since I last saw them. I really missed them.
This morning I met in one-on-one with S5's prospective C, a family psychologist. As soon as I entered her office it was apparent that she (the C) was having reservations again about whether we really needed her services in the first place. She had flip-flopped once before in our first meeting last week.
I found out that the C had been having some scheduling troubles with xW. xW was continually reversing herself about scheduling her own one-on-one session with the C prior to S5's first session. The purpose of the meetings with the parents is to give the C enough information from the each of us such that she can form a proper assessment of S5 once he himself is present. To lay the groundwork for an eval of the child.
But given xW's sudden drop in interest and her sudden down-playing of S5's issues -- not to mention her tardiness and lackadaisical demeanor to these meetings, the C could only conclude that there was no real reason to pursue C'ing for S5, at all, not when his own mother is no longer taking it as serious as his other parent.
So the C suggested we just cancel the remaining appointments altogether and just play watch and see with S5. I could only agree, as these first sessions were to explore whether S5 had any reasons for his behaviors that might be more systemic, growing problems and to seek to remedy them as a preventive measure. If there was too little in S5's behaviors for what we were describing, even if this was all triggered by concerns expressed by S5's pre-K teachers, I myself can agree that pursuing this further might be a waste of time and resources, if this matter will resolve itself.
But after the urgency that xW had expressed about this matter concerning S5, ever since the February meeting with the Pre-K teachers and school staff, and cattle-prodding me the whole time for action, for her now to suddenly drop the matter as a priority is more than perturbing. After all the time, energy, money, favor and tons of paperwork I invested in this on behalf of our S, she ultimately decided it wasn't as important as she had previously asserted and thus wasted all of my time.
Worst of all, she left the C with the impression that I was the one being overzealous and was overreacting to S5's behaviors. That I was the one who was uptight and trying to gain control of my S's behaviors. All of a sudden -- right out of the blue -- the C began lecturing me about being unable to accept the OM as S5's "other father". She was very nice about it, but it was totally incongruous for us to be discussing what to do about S5 and trying to figure out if the lack of commitment of xW to this effort meant we shouldn't persist -- and even to start discussing the cancellation of the remaining sessions -- and almost in the next breath for her then to begin directing her words directly to me about my own fear of the OM -- when at no time up to that point had I ever expressed anything, pro or con, about him. It was the first time he came up.
I felt like I had suddenly slipped into a conversation already in progress between the C and xW.
I was very accommodating and tried to honestly engage her in her line of questioning, but it took me off guard. I began to wonder to myself just what correspondence the C and XW might have already had outside of what I thought I knew. I also began to suspect that xW had once again decided to undermine me in front of a clinical professional (wouldn't be the first time by any stretch). To throw me under the bus for her own self-serving ends.
I have tentatively concluded that it doesn't matter at this point if my speculations about their correspondence might be true or not. Or if I am merely expressing paranoia. What I do know for certain is that xW is altogether insane, self-serving, treacherous and mercurial. And she will lie, cheat and say anything to get what she wants. And whether a deliberate, under-handed ploy or just oblivious to the bitter fruit she just happens to bear, she simply is untrustworthy and an unfit person to co-parent with.
It is what it is. This is simply the lay of the land. I could hope to place a measure of trust in xW to act with fairness, consistency and reason in co-parenting our children with me. But I must be resigned to the fact that this lack of character she continually exhibits is just part of her nature now.
(In retrospect, the thing is that despite the C's sudden focus on the OM, the real threat I may feel does not come from him, not really -- it comes entirely, if anywhere, from xW. OM is nothing. A paper tiger. He is not nor could ever be a threat to me at all -- except where xW would have him be. And even then only if I allow it.)
Hey, NC. Sorry to hear of this. Why do you think your X would be so gung-ho about C for your S5 and then seem to drop it all of a sudden? Strange.
I think it HIGHLY inappropriate that the C would be lecturing you about not accepting OM as your son's other father! He is not your son's father, and never will be. You should be civil to him, but I don't think anything more than that is needed. Ridiculous! I think taking a wait and see approach about C sounds good, and if your S5 does seem to need C, I would look for a different C than that one. What do you think of it all?
In my previous post I was trying to be circumspect about my own viewpoint on this odd situation. Certainly there could be other possible explanations, which is why I began to wonder if I was merely being -- as I said above -- paranoid. There is the distinct possibility that is all it is, paranoia on my part. But at the time I did sort of get the uncomfortable suspicion that xW had gone behind my back in having private correspondence with this C, and had filled her head full of nonsense about me.
But as I concluded, when you sum it all up, whether the ex did do anything so diabolical is not all that important since I am unlikely to ever be able to prove such a wild assertion anyway. No, I have to focus on the facts -- what I do know for certain. For whatever reason, xW has suddenly gotten cold feet and become increasingly uncooperative in seeking psychological counseling for S5's classroom behaviors, behavior's pointed out to the both of his parents by his preschool teachers, the preschool staff and a state education department social services representative.
Why do I think, you ask, that my children's mother would suddenly scuttle the process, one initiated for their benefit and one she had originally expressed great enthusiasm for? I'd have to say it is because it suits her. I get the feeling that xW just wants, as usual and as always, to have control of the situation. I think she get's a power kick from frequently jerking me around, and that she has no qualms about using our children to do so, especially if she can make it look like I am the one who is causing harm or that she is doing so under the pretense of our S's "best interests".
Since the meeting in March I took what was said to us by the teachers, staff and counselors to heart. They saw a serious change in S5's behaviors since the beginning of February. And we all agreed, xW as well, to a course of action to gain whatever diagnosis and help our little boy needed, so that he could operate as best as possible in classroom and other social settings.
I took the lead for this and arranged for S5 to be evaluated by experts along a path suggested and agreed upon by the parties present during the March 18 meeting. xW took every opportunity to try to prod me along, as if I needed any incentive from her. I took her pressuring in stride, have long ago chalked this up to her annoyingly anal ways. But having finally reached the goal of getting past all the referrals, the correspondence, the approvals, the arrangements, the paperwork, etc. -- and had finally begun actually seeing the family psychologist -- she must have figured I was making too much progress in leading this effort. It was no longer all about her -- so she decided to take her ball and go home.
Or so it sure seems to me.
The funny thing is that this is not the first time she's done this. In seeking help for S9 years ago, I had taken a referral by my employer's insurer for seeking family guidance. Once we were in, xW decided to pull out.
Likewise, just months later, I managed to jump through a myriad of hoops to get S9 evaluated for Asperger's Syndrome (AS) and Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) and enrolled in the UNC Department of Psychology's well-respected TEEACH program for Autism Spectrum Disorders. (I even had myself screened for AS though their program, as a precaution.) Once in, xW decided not to take advantage of their services, suddenly citing that S9's condition was not grave enough after all. The most she would commit to was one mother's group hosted by the TEEACH program, but which had nothing for S9 himself.
And I won't go into the farce of the marital counseling she also bailed out on.
So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that xW is just too selfish to commit to anything serious, even if it might be for the benefit of her own child.
I am pretty much through with trying to do anything cooperatively with xW. She has proven over and over again that she is entirely untrustworthy. I truly envy those of you out there who feel they can trust their former spouse at least when the chips are down, and are able to rally together for the very sake of your children. But I am now finally convinced that my ex is not going to put her own pettiness and selfishness aside for anyone.
And, no, I have to conclude that the C is just wrong-headed about blended families. And I have to take issue with anyone who wants to suggest that the best interests of a child, especially my children, would be best served if I were to lay aside whatever fear of OM I might have (okay, to be considered) and I were to encourage them to accept another man as a second father in their lives -- not just a step-father, mind you, but another, co-equal father. (I was candid with her and told her that I would honestly struggle with that.)
Having thought about all this more since then, and thus given the sort of philosophy I hear in her words to me, I am no longer inclined to use the services of this particular C anymore anyway.
