Yeah. the cons of not communicating about the R and temperature checking is mind reading and confusion. Common sense wise, it would make sense to do some temperature checks at various points...just not every week or pressure too much...?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Maybe I'm weird. I didn't feel bad about dividing our assets, even though I was the main, and often only earner throughout the marriage. Don't feel you don't deserve it.
Well, the conversation that I just had was as close as I'm going to get to closure, I think.
I phoned STBXH tonight to ask him about how the appointment with the coparenting psychologist went. It turned into a much more involved conversation than I expected. STBXH basically laid his cards on the table in many areas.
* he liked the psychologist but had the impression that most of the coparenting plan was stuff that we could work out together (he also felt that she was not super supportive of our parenting style)
* we agreed to look at the coparenting plan template together and try to hammer out as much as possible on our own and possibly seek professional input for areas where there is conflict or lack of clarity
* we agreed that we both want what's best for the children and that we agree about 90% of parenting issues
* STBXH stated clearly that he would like our children to continue living in this home if that's what I want and that he was willing to make financial concessions (not legally required) to facilitate that
* he said that he felt bad that he hadn't made the above clear, because he had been thinking along those lines for a long time
Well, I know some of this was surprising, but it sounds like a very productive conversation, even though you still haven't gotten much closure. I'm glad you can talk cordially about this stuff and glad he's thinking about the kids, too. Also happy to hear he'll try to keep you guys in the house. It's sad that this is what it's come to, but of all the possibilities of how he could be acting, I like what I hear here.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
* he said that he would far rather get a less favourable settlement in the divorce than give tons of money to lawyers
* he said that he had no idea about what his financial picture would look like...sounded fatalistic about it
So, we had the amicable divorce conversation. Having skipped all the conversations that you'd expect to have after the "I don't know how I feel and I'm moving out for a trial separation" conversation.
Frustrating you never got those conversations in between. But maybe you will- sometimes I think it happens out of order. Or, he could think he's actually explained it to you based on some of the other stuff you wrote about communication... Is that possible?
I want to give you the same speech my IC gave me about the money guilt. They've made this choice and need to feel the consequences. We don't need to become totally uncaring- we don't revel in them going down financially- but our job as moms is to take care of ourselves and our kids. As long as you know you're acting as an adult with integrity, it's ok. You aren't taking $ away from him- I think it's good for many reasons for you to have more independent income, but for now, you need support. Do not feel bad about it- if it helps, think only of your kids- he's still their dad and it's his responsibility to help support them. If it'll be very hard financially, he should've thought of that before he walked out. You're already making sacrifices I'm sure, and he has to learn to do this, too. I feel similarly to you in some ways- guilty or feeling bad that he'll be struggling financially, but honestly, it was their choice. They get to be "free" and "get to" keep the responsibility of supporting the kids (and wife) they brought into this world.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
STBXH and I were friends before we were lovers. And I see now that we will probably be able to be coparents and friends. Having finally had a conversation with STBXH, I am reassured that he is still the same mostly honourable man that I have always known and loved. Sucks that our marriage failed, but I guess the consolation prize is that we will be able to bring some decency and goodwill to the process of making the best of this for our children.
I am glad to hear that, but understand how it's a little bewildering, too. If he's the "same guy", why is all this happening? It's confusing how the one piece went off track, but they seem the same in every other way... It is good news for the kids, though. You guys will be a rare set of parents to be able to do things this way, and many of your fears about what this will "do to" your kids will be - not totally removed- but not as likely if you guys can keep the friendship/co-parenting in a positive place. The bad things kids go through are mostly due to their parents not being able to communicate and work together, putting the kids in the middle, etc. If you don't do that, they'll be pretty well off, despite this yuckiness.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
Frankly, my STBXH doesn't really seem to fit the profile of either the typical WAS or MLCer. He was just done. Not that it really matters at this point.
I feel a bit numb, a bit relieved...and there is still some disbelief.
I hear you. I go through days where I'm just all business and lists to do. But that disbelief is sitting under there. In a lot of ways, where we are makes sense (me, not you), but in some ways, it's still impossible to conceive.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
I guess it bugs me a bit that STBXH probably thinks that I am OK with us divorcing, based on my actions. Not that it makes any difference to the outcome. But maybe I'll have to send that "honesty" email at some point...for me.
You know I've had this fear too. We don't protest, argue, pursuade... so what do they think??? I have yet to get a good answer from some wise person on this. If H was showing me what I'm showing him, I would definitely conclude that he didn't care about saving our M and was done with us. Despite having reminded him to the contrary, actions speak much louder than words. Maybe some smart person here will weigh in and tell us what we're missing- why this belief is false...
I'm really feeling "out at sea" lately...drifting somewhere between an old life and a new life.
"If there is no wind, row."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Maybe I'm weird. I didn't feel bad about dividing our assets, even though I was the main, and often only earner throughout the marriage.
yeah, you are weird. my h wanted 80% for him and 20% for me. he felt that was fair and equitable. yet, i was labelled 'greedy' and 'money hungry' for wanting to go 50/50.
(((FM))) just sending you hugs and hoping you're having a good weekend- looks like you're not updating much here anymore so I'll check alt.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Not spending any time here any more. My DB friends mean a lot to me and I'm hoping to get to checking on your sitches, but the whole concept of reconciliation is pretty irrelevant to my life right now.
Today would have been my tenth anniversary with my STBXH. I still think about him regularly, and mull over what happened in our marriage, but it feels like it's in the past now. I'm grateful that the anniversary isn't a trigger.
Summer is a GREAT time of year and I'm making the most of it. I've decided that I am ready to carve out a part of my life that is about being a WOMAN first.
I have entered the DATING phase now . I put up my profile on two online dating sites a couple of weeks ago. I haven't had overwhelming response, but a couple of quality guys have expressed some interest. My profile wasn't designed to cast a wide net...I mentioned my children, etc.
I am probably having my first date this morning, with a guy who is quite intriguing. I'm worried that the chemistry won't be there, but I feel confident that at least it will be a pleasant meeting.
Also, two nights ago my neighbours (one is my BFF) invited me over to have a beer with their old friend (who my BIL also knows). He is a single dad who is actually very attractive and interesting. Yesterday he left a very sweet note in my door asking me out for coffee or dinner. OMG, so flattering! He has a remarkable list of accomplishments...it's actually pretty intimidating. But there is definitely potential for chemistry there. We first met eyes when I was hanging around in the courtyard chatting with neighbours and watching my kids. His eye contact and smile was very direct . I love a confident, manly guy!
It's still very hard for me to imagine being with a man other than STBXH, even dating/flirtation. He's been the only one for 16 years...and I realize I haven't dated in 20 years!! I don't feel very confident about how to act, etc. I am trying to relax and be in the moment. It's important to feel my way through this and totally be myself as I move forward. I feel like I'm just getting to know myself as I reconnect with the "old me" and have feelings and experiences that familiar but long-buried.
My advice to everyone here is to embrace reality. Look it square in the eye. Tackle everything that's your business, and fully let go of what's outside of your control. Hint: wanting someone to love you, wanting an intact family, wanting someone to work on the relationship...those are outside of your control, unfortunately.
My ability to have fun and be happy is greater than it has been in years. STBXH did me a favour (but he didn't do our children a favour ). It's VERY clear to me that taking Celexa (AD) is a huge part of what's working for me right now. I probably should have done this years ago, especially because it may have affected the outcome of my marriage. But that's in the past and all I can do is move forward.
(((hugs))) to all of you
PS: I am still sticking my head in the sand about the financial issues. I know I need to tackle them, but haven't made too much progress. My thread title is a good reminder to me that I need to concentrate on putting my big girl panties ON.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
). It's VERY clear to me that taking Celexa (AD) is a huge part of what's working for me right now. I probably should have done this years ago, especially because it may have affected the outcome of my marriage. But that's in the past and all I can do is move forward.