Wife says no longer loves me, wants to separate

[lostnhurt]

I moved this from another thread -

yes, it is. I know she can sense a lot of my 'fears'. This has just hit me to the core, never expected it.

ok, so what is your plan on becoming fearless?

Thats a great question, I don't know. How do I become fearless? Im the type of person thats afraid of roller coasters, afraid of heights, used to be scared to death to fly, but Ive done so much the last 7 years I've gotten over that (flying).

I know this has been talked about before, getting rid of the 'fear'. Now I need to figure out I can get past that. Im no poster child when it comes to DBing, but Ive certainly worked on it, but never really thought about how to lose that fear I have .....

In fact, now that I think about this, Ive let 'fear' run my life for almost all my life. The more I think about, a lot of my reactions to things, and I mean just in general, daily life I have done out of fear ....

[DumpedforMIL]

I know this has been talked about before, getting rid of the 'fear'. Now I need to figure out I can get past that. Im no poster child when it comes to DBing, but Ive certainly worked on it, but never really thought about how to lose that fear I have .....

this is what's preventing you from making progress.
what are you afraid of? and don't give me an answer of .. "i'm afraid of heights, small dogs, and needles". you know i'm not talking about those things.

and like a good lawyer, i ask questions that i already know the answer to.

In fact, now that I think about this, Ive let 'fear' run my life for almost all my life. The more I think about, a lot of my reactions to things, and I mean just in general, daily life I have done out of fear ....

this is good. you are discovering something about yourself.
so let me ask you again.
what are your plans on becoming fearless?

this is no longer about your m. it's about you.

[lostnhurt]

Well actually I am afraid of small dogs and needles

Right now, I don't know what my 'plan' is on becoming fearless. As I mentioned, its been a life long issue for me for a lot of things.

Frankly, I am not sure where to even start. Im a 'worrier' driven by fear. Im guessing I have to 'face my fear', but again where do I even start? Conquer one fear and learn I can conquer others? And start with what? This one has really got me thinking ....

[DumpedforMIL]

Frankly, I am not sure where to even start. Im a 'worrier' driven by fear.

give me a real example. what keeps you awake at night? start with that.

Im guessing I have to 'face my fear', but again where do I even start? Conquer one fear and learn I can conquer others? And start with what? This one has really got me thinking ....

question: read that statement above.
how many times do you reference your m or your w?
how many times do you reference yourself?

this is why we work on conquering your fears. the work is about you. nobody else. we just got you to focus on you.

[lostnhurt]

give me a real example. what keeps you awake at night? start with that.

Keeping my job and being able to support my family, that keeps me up at nite. I'd have a very hard time replacing it and paying out the monthly 'nut' I have now. Its why I work the crazy hours I do.

how many times do you reference your m or your w?
how many times do you reference yourself?

I presume you mean in my thread in general? I ref to my M and W a lot, myself not as much. I know I need to focus on myself, but I think I've 'defined' myself by my family. But this is where I get confused some time on focusing on 'myself', if you asked my W, she would tell you that all I focused on. And I do have a tendency to be self centered. How do I balance focus on myself with out being self centered?

Here is something that IC brought up last week, "can I still be a family with out my W", that's where we ended and Ive been thinking about it ever since. And I think again that really come back to focus on me (and my girls)

[DumpedforMIL]

Keeping my job and being able to support my family, that keeps me up at nite. I'd have a very hard time replacing it and paying out the monthly 'nut' I have now. Its why I work the crazy hours I do.

have you ever lost a job?
replacing it? what is "it"?

I presume you mean in my thread in general? I ref to my M and W a lot, myself not as much. I know I need to focus on myself, but I think I've 'defined' myself by my family.

no, i meant in that line that you wrote. it was all about you. which is good.

how would you define yourself (separate from family)?

But this is where I get confused some time on focusing on 'myself', if you asked my W, she would tell you that all I focused on.

i didn't ask what your w thinks, did i?

can I still be a family with out my W", that's where we ended and Ive been thinking about it ever since. And I think again that really come back to focus on me (and my girls)

we focus on you first. you need to build your confidence back up before you can be a good father to your girls.

[lostnhurt]

Only really once back in early 90's, was in the real estate appraisal biz and there just was not any work. I'm now working in online publishing. I started in 96, but a lot has changed since I first started. Its gone from making mad money to watching companies fold.

I think I've always defined myself by my work, hence my constant 'fear' of losing it. Once I had a family, that's how I defined myself, hardworking family man and father. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I have awful 'fear' of losing it (my family) now.

Im not sure how to define myself separate from my family. I'd probably bury myself in my work even more, but how do 'define' myself, I just don't know.

Im also not sure how to get my confidence back or lose my 'fears'. I can definitely see that these are two issues I need to over come. I just don't know how.

[DumpedforMIL]

I think I've always defined myself by my work, hence my constant 'fear' of losing it. Once I had a family, that's how I defined myself, hardworking family man and father. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I have awful 'fear' of losing it (my family) now.

you need to lose that fear. step 1 in identifying the problem is done. step 2 is what are you going to do about it? and "i don't know" is an unacceptable answer.

you have nothing to lose by giving an answer here. there is nothing at stake. you propose a solution, then we can help you tweak it. in other words, don't be afraid of throwing something out there. what's the worst that's going to happen?

Im not sure how to define myself separate from my family. I'd probably bury myself in my work even more, but how do 'define' myself, I just don't know.

think hard about this one. burying yourself in work is the same as running away - very unattractive. you have to face your fears, your brutal reality.

from now on, your answers to any questions cannot be "i don't know". indecisiveness is also unattractive.

so think about it. i'm asking you again .. how would you define yourself (outside of your family).

[lostnhurt]

DumpedforMIL - let me think about this one, right now I am slammed at work. And I need some time to think about this. Im not afraid to give answers here, I know you are all here to help. Im certainly not concerned about criticism, I just want to give honest answers and to do that, I need to think about this. You make some excellent points.

Thanks big time for spending your time on this with me, just give me a bit of time to think about this, I will post my reply later today.

[lostnhurt]

DumpedforMIL - I've thought about this, a lot. I tried to go back about 3 or 4 weeks ago when "I" personally was doing much better. Although I probably didn't 'lose' my fear, I had a lot more focus on myself and my girls. I spent any spare time I had with them. I was able to at least 'project' that I was getting on with my life.

So to me, first step to lose my fear, is re-focus on what's really important to me, my girls, spending time with them, take things one days at a time and not 'worry' myself about what's coming next but be prepared. Re-focus on myself. Nothing really new here, but saying it and practicing it are two different things. One thing I soo noticed is once I focus on W at all, I start to fall apart. Even tho I know this, I've done it repeatedly.

Defining myself, frankly I've always defined myself by my 'successes', and most them come from work. When I am successful at work, it builds my confidence. Looking back, it's what attracted my W to me when we met, I was DOO of the company we both worked for. I'm not that same person now.

I almost feel like I need to re-define myself, thru 'successes' at work and 'success' with my daughters by being the best Dad I can be. I want them to know that Dad loves them no matter what. I know work is mentioned a lot, but being able to provide for my daughters is my number one priority and I can't do that with out being successful at work. This comes from my up bring by my own father, he's always been there to provide for us kids, and he's always been there when we needed him. And I look up to my father a lot.

Im still thinking about both questions you brought up, 'losing fear' and how to define myself outside my family.

If anyone has anything to add, please do so. I am not afraid to hear the hard truth or answers if I am not on the right track. Be as brutally honest as you can or need to be, that's what I need to hear.