My first weekend out of the house was the worst feeling I've ever had. It was worse than my mother dying unexpectedly. I remember I had my then 7-year-old to stay the night. I walked her home and then went back to the house I was staying at ... and nothing.
No yardwork. I didn't live there anymore. No parks to go to. The girls were with there mom. No clothes to clean. They were going ... to do something where I wasn't involved at all.
I completely lost it. I called a friend and we went golfing and I moped around for three hours. After that, I got a call to play softball and I moved there for an hour. Then I took a sleeping pill.
That was truly awful -- looking at the future as a part-time parent and not wanting to face it.
But the next weekend was easier. You try to develop a routine, expand your friend horizons to have things to do and motivate yourself for the next weekend they are all yours.
None of this is easy. I've had lots of time with the girls this summer and I know this, they want more and I want more.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
It's been a roller coaster of a day, but at least I seem to have ended up on the upswing.
Started off with having to get a ride to work with H because I had a flat tire. I honestly can barely tolerate his presence these days so it was not fun. And, as much as I had made up my mind not to get into anything, we ended up arguing. Of course it was ALL my fault that we argued, according to H. My perspective is that I call him on his BS now and he instantly gets defensive and mad... and it goes from there.
Oh well. I found myself another ride home.
I had help shifting my perspective from the crap H accuses me of to remembering the truth of who I am. That help came from my very good friend and DB brother.
Then, I had another lawyer meeting. This is the third lawyer I have met with and I guess the third is the charm! She is the right fit for me. I liked her approach, she was no nonsense but also very empathetic and personable, and she made sense! She explained things so much more clearly than the other two. She mapped out a plan for me that fits perfectly for what I want to happen and at minimal cost.
I left that office feeling empowered, hopeful, and ready to move forward.
H is likely going to be surprised that I am moving forward this quickly. But, I will not remain married to a man that is remaining in a R with the woman he cheated on me with. Period. And he is choosing to do that.
Hey Romeo... it's called Eau d' Je suis vaut la peine
In case anyone is wondering... that means Essence of I am worth it! That is my attitude these days.
Rabbit and CTH thank you for chiming in your thoughts about handling being away from the kids. It truly is the hardest part and I haven't even really started it yet. But, I am sure you do adjust and life goes on. I plan to make the most of the time I have with them.
Rocked, Too bad about the exasperating morning, but the righ-fit lawyer and this:
Originally Posted By: rockedHERworld
I left that office feeling empowered, hopeful, and ready to move forward.
H is likely going to be surprised that I am moving forward this quickly. But, I will not remain married to a man that is remaining in a R with the woman he cheated on me with. Period...Onwards and upwards....
is great! Just great. Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Rocked- I am SO stoked to read: "I left that office feeling empowered, hopeful, and ready to move forward."
I know this isn't what you wanted, but that is wonderful to hear- and that you feel like someone competent is on your side for the legal stuff. Yay!
You mentioned you were packing- are you planning on moving out? Curious, b/c I'm in the same boat- LBS who must move out for various reasons, even though they should be the ones moving. I also may get to the point you are where I end up making a move legally before he does b/c he's so lazy (and is probably actually hoping I'll do the work for him, as he always does- and I usually do, but in this case it will set me free). Ironic.
Anyway, glad you had a great weekend away- keep your chin up, make sure you get new tires ;-) and keep up the attitude!
Hey G-Man and NB thanks for stopping by and for the encouragement.
NB - yes I am moving out with the kids. I know that is not usually recommended, but it sounds like you and I are in similar boats. H has done nothing about finding a place to live, even though this is HIS decision originally. And, he has burned all his bridges, so he literally has NO friends or family who will even take him. Financially we can't afford two households. I am moving in with my parents until I can get on my feet financially and emotionally. This also lessens my work commute considerably which is good for me in every way.
I handed my H the "draft" I have done regarding our verbal agreements to settle everything. I gave it to him this morning. As I thought, he is surprised that I am pushing and moving forward. He seems quite stunned. He finally noticed I stopped wearing my rings, which also seemed to surprise him. He still wears his.
Next week is our 20th wedding anniversary.
Today I am sad.
Just part of the roller coaster I guess. I am letting myself be sad, to the extent that I can because I am at work. But, I know I need to grieve and will be grieving for a while. Lots of tears today.
I will shed them and work on keeping focused on what I need to do for me.
Its ok to feel the sadness its all part of moving on and moving forward! Still cant believe how much your H is LLL how can he be stunned that you expect him to remain faithful and work on your M and that the consequences of him not doing that is to lose such a wonderful lady from his life! Honestly there are some days I'd like to line all the WAS and give them a good smack to knock some sense back into them!
Really with you on the WA front my 25th is next year and I often wonder will it be the dream anniversary or just another disaster?
Keep detaching hun, its the only thing that keeps you sane at times! (())
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
NB - yes I am moving out with the kids. I know that is not usually recommended, but it sounds like you and I are in similar boats. H has done nothing about finding a place to live, even though this is HIS decision originally. And, he has burned all his bridges, so he literally has NO friends or family who will even take him. Financially we can't afford two households. I am moving in with my parents until I can get on my feet financially and emotionally. This also lessens my work commute considerably which is good for me in every way.
Well, I'm glad you have a place to go where you can save some money. Hopefully it won't be too stressful living with your parents . And a short commute is a bonus too.
Quote:
I handed my H the "draft" I have done regarding our verbal agreements to settle everything. I gave it to him this morning. As I thought, he is surprised that I am pushing and moving forward. He seems quite stunned. He finally noticed I stopped wearing my rings, which also seemed to surprise him. He still wears his.
Next week is our 20th wedding anniversary.
Today I am sad.
I'm so sorry. That's quite a milestone and not great timing for it. I can't believe he's still wearing his rings. My H took his off within a month of the bomb, I was so mad. I wore mine until I lost it 2 weeks ago, which pissed me off b/c I wasn't ready to stop wearing it. But I guess the choice was made for me. Yes, we are in similar boats- I will probably end up doing what you're doing with the written agreement, etc. Were you able to agree on $ and custody, all that just with the two of you without too much trouble? Mine just never seems to have time to discuss any of this stuff, which is funny b/c he wanted this. Actually, it's not funny- I don't see any indication he's thought anything through, particularly where our D is concerned, which is very disappointing. I'm glad you guys reached an agreement- does that mean you'll just be using the L's to draw up the official papers or do you still have things to settle?
Quote:
Just part of the roller coaster I guess. I am letting myself be sad, to the extent that I can because I am at work. But, I know I need to grieve and will be grieving for a while. Lots of tears today.
I will shed them and work on keeping focused on what I need to do for me.
Good for you- let it out, but don't let it consume you. There is too much grief in all of this- it's a death of the M, which has to be grieved. Take care of yourself and lean on anyone you need to.
I honestly can barely tolerate his presence these days so it was not fun. And, as much as I had made up my mind not to get into anything, we ended up arguing. Of course it was ALL my fault that we argued, according to H. My perspective is that I call him on his BS now and he instantly gets defensive and mad... and it goes from there.