Soaring Solo 2010

[Gardener]

CG,
You are so right, N. Our body/mind connection has to release cumulative stress. Life events that are totally unrelated to our Xs can manifest themselves in X anger/obsessing. Go figure.
Sorry about your purge Friday night.
I was having one last night and somewhat this morning.
And just as CTH and you and I discussed, the absolutely perfect antidote just arrived:
X came over.

She called. I never answer. VM says she's out and nearby and wants to come over and spend some time getting some of her things from the basement.

Now, last August, she said she was going to come over and get all her stuff out of the attic. Mr. Nice Guy schlepped two dozen boxes down for her, lined them all up in the basement on raised platforms (moisture) and that considerable, generous effort got me accused of "trying to throw her out of her own house." And she wound up taking only three or four things and the rest has remained there for a year.

I go open the garage door so she can just go straight to the basement to do her thing. She pulls up about 2 minutes later, if that, with surgically-attached teacup dog with her, of course. The divorce says she simply has to "notify" me when she does so: no more, no less. But two-minute advance notice? I may have to set a boundary on that. That's pretty much barging in in my book.

She calls, "hellooo," from outside and once from the basement. I ignored her: I didn't want to see or talk to her and hadn't been expecting her.

But from the window I happened to see her twice, wasn't watching, just saw her as I walked by a window.

I imagine she was pretty surprised to discover that about two months ago, I had moved all her possessions, per the Divorce Agreement - furniture, pictures, paintings, shelves, mirrors- everything from my home and put it all in the basement as I no longer wanted to live among her belongings. I had looked into how to do it: the temperature's fine and I keep the humidity at 55% with a dehumidifier, so everything's fine.

She left not two minutes later with a plastic cooler. That's it.

It was good for me to "see" her, however fleetingly. After a couple of days of pining again for my memory of who she once was and lamenting the sad, damaged little girl she was/is, I saw the adult, the woman, the person for whom I really have no feelings - or any respect -for anymore.

I needed that.
Today.

[CityGirl]

I am glad you got what you needed to today, Gman! It's funny how sometimes the universe just gives us what we need when we need it most. Or maybe that isn't a coincidence.

I was just talking to a friend of mine who is going through a rather unpleasant divorce. And I asked him something that I have been wondering for a LONG time. I read DB each day and I am amazed at the absolute POWER these walk away wives have over their H's. If you look at the facts *most* of these women have treated their H's horribly in more ways than one, had or are having affairs, are emotional messes with little desire to lead an emotionally healthy life and quite frankly are ordinary (at best) yet they have this ASTOUNDING hold over men. I don't get it! Honestly, I would like to know how they do it and still have their H's falling at their feet! While it's sick it is also fascinating and sometimes I wonder why I can't do that, lol!

So basically a woman is going to you (generally speaking, not you per say) is going to treat you like dirt, ignore your emotional and sexual needs, tear apart a family, rake you financially and do whatever the hell she pleases to do and still gets treated like they are the best thing on the planet.

I have wondered this for a long time. It's all rather fascinating! MEN - give us some tips as to what *we* (we - laides of DB) are missing so WE have those kind of powers! We will use them for good, not evil

[Gardener]

CG,
I have no answer for you other than we all - men and women - have accumulated abandonment issues in our lives that are all re-triggered by being abandoned by our spouse.

In The Journey From Abandonment To Healing, Susan Anderson lists two of the stages of spousal abandonment as:

1) Shattered (no explanation needed, with this one) and

3) Internalizing The Rejection ("Spouse left me, therefore I must be flawed,") which includes "Idealizing the Abandoner."
Among so many other things, her book helped me realize how long I spent in this stage - and why.

So basically a woman is going to ...treat you like dirt, ignore your emotional and sexual needs, tear apart a family, rake you financially and do whatever the hell she pleases to do and still gets treated like they are the best thing on the planet.

Personally, I initially treated the memory of a wonderful life-partner as "the best thing on the planet."
And initially equated/confused the memory with the now-real person (and, sporadically, still fall into that).
fwiw.

Peace,

[CityGirl]

I understand that G.

I suppose I was more wondering (for all of us and I include myself in this discussion) is what "flips the switch" so to speak.

Its a horrible feeling to love somebody that puts *anything* out there that makes you feel bad about yourself.

Everybody is deeply flawed because we are human. But IMO there are ways to connect the flaws and create magic instead of heartache.

[Gardener]

N,

Everybody is deeply flawed because we are human. But IMO there are ways to connect the flaws and create magic instead of heartache.

Amen.

Peace,

[hoosiermama]

What a great discussion. And one with so much that I needed to read. Sometimes it's just incredibly helpful to have one's own realizations validated; I guess that's why I'm still reading 28-odd months after I arrived here.

What stands out most--the person who left me is closer to the real person than the one I fell in love wit. I waited more than 16 years for that man to return; surely that would happen if I was patient enough, self-sacrificing enough, loving enough...no, the real xH is the profoundly selfish, immature man who threw his family away when he ran into an old girlfriend. It wasn't that I was unworthy of his love--he just had so little to give.

[Gardener]

hm,

What stands out most--the person who left me is closer to the real person than the one I fell in love wit.

Yeah. That Susan j. Elliott quote:
"But above all else: forget this person you fell in love with. They are never coming back. The person who left you is more in line with who this person really is than the person you fell in love with," is a real smack upside the head, isn't it?

Peace,

[Gardener]

CG,

I suppose I was more wondering (for all of us and I include myself in this discussion) is what "flips the switch" so to speak.

If I can mix metaphors here, N, I'd describe my life -and thought processes - this way:

There's a candle burning in an otherwise dark room. It's down low now and will flicker out eventually, though I have no way of knowing when.

But occasionally, something in my mind still flicks the bright light swtch(es) back on and obsesses, laments, reminisces, second guesses and wonders.

When that exercise in futility (which serves some purpose, I'm sure) has run its course, my mind flips the light switch back off.

But that candle is still there.
Burning down.

Peace,

[Golfgirl1]

G,
Checking back in after being away and having fun.

SO sorry to hear about your brother; I hope he's okay??

Wow! Lots of crazy things happening in your world with your X, but you sound so calm, strong, and rational (none of which our former spouses will be for a long time, if ever).

Yes, the candle still flickers, but not very often and not very bright. Strange how it will just go on for no reason, isn't it? But hopefully the time between 'flickers' is getting farther and farther apart. Hope you had a great weekend.

[Gardener]

Thanks, Gg.
Just responded on your thread.

Peace,