Things That Matter

[ClingingToHope]

Time heals. Time heals. The 4th is big for me, too. It was the first time STBXW and I were together. We'd make sure we celebrated that anniversary every year until about six years ago. Then it just became another day.

Last 4th was tough. STBXW offered to let me have the kids and I didn't have anything going and gladly accepted. We had a GREAT time, but it turned out STBXW had an ulterior motive. She had a party to go to.

That was a bit of a lesson -- don't ever think she's offering extra time with the kids out of the goodness of her heart.

This year in mediation I basically made sure she had the kids for all of the party holidays. It's my turn to GAL.

Tonight is good. Going to a bar tour for a TV reporter who is leaving town. Tomorrow night is sketchy. I'll have to ask around, but I'm playing golf in the afternoon.

Sunday? Church then meeting a church singles group at 5:30 p.m. for the fireworks.

I'll get to see two very pretty eligible single women -- one tonight and one Sunday. I'm hoping to ask one or both out eventually. I'm just soooo afraid of rejection right now I haven't been able to just go for it.

My HOPE is that this 4th is the beginning of new memories to replace/augment the old. I mean, I doubt I'll ever forget the first 4th between STBXW and I. I just hope I have other great 4th memories to think of as well.

Something good is going to happen to you. Just believe it.

[NoCodeBlues]

Thanks, Gyps, CTH,

I do know that I will get beyond this, have gotten very far just in the last year alone (I can look back and see).
And I have faith that this too will pass. God has plans for me (as I know He does for each and all of us) -- I have full confidence in that. It may or may not entail some lucky lady to be my new partner, I don't know, and that's not the point.

But having said that, it is apparent that I am still going to be reminded of these things from time to time, certain holidays being major recollections for me. That's just the nature of it all. Something I will occasionally have to deal with, but I'm getting there.

The loss of my M is one thing. But the loss of my family is another; and it is the absence of my two children, my family, that I am really feeling most at the moment. That's not something I expect to ever get over. Not really.

But to be honest, I sometimes don't know how to express my thoughts and feelings here in these forums without everyone starting to worry that I am still "stuck". I am not going to carry on in denial about the things that affect my moods, I am as candid as I can be. But perhaps too candid.

I don't know.

But on the other hand, I realize that much of what I have said above sounds too much like the glass-is-half-empty talk. Some would say I should be grateful for the time I do have with my S's. And I do/am. I know that I appreciate the blessings that God has bestowed upon me because I have a wonderful life, even despite all the cr*p some people might dump on me.

I take the good with the bad, but I also take the bad with the good.

And like CTH said, taking the very words out of my mouth, Time heals. And my progress seems like the pace of the tortoise versus the hare. But at least I am moving steadily forward anyway.

I just need to voice myself at times, as my means for working through this.

[NoCodeBlues]

Wow. Time flies.
...I hadn't realized it has been just over a month since I last posted on my own thread.

I'm still taking things a little at a time. Living one day at a time. Been extremely busy with work. The boys just tracked back into school yesterday. S9 started the 4th grade (wow, again) and S5 just started Kindergarten (triple wow.)

The boys are good, but there are little issues we're dealing with, still. S5 had frequent behavioral issues in day camp at the Y -- a new kid kept picking on him relentlessly. S5 is a bit sensitive and is not accustomed to restraining himself when threatened. He ended up having to sit out camp several days (somewhat voluntarily) because he tends to push or shove when verbal conflicts start (it's how he deals with an older brother, unfortunately.)

I am quite proud of S5 however for getting it all under control in the remaining days of camp last week, reporting a very good time. He finally followed my advice for once, keeping his hands to himself and sticking close to one of the counsellors when the other boy starts to aggravate him -- this time the other boy was caught red-handed trying to instigate trouble, resulting in HIS suspension.

I think S5 is catching on. But I have him scheduled for counseling next week, the next step in the path started back in March at the request of his Pre-K teachers. He has gotten better since then, but it is obvious he could use a little help. The incidents at the Y this last month reflect that.

S9 is also gearing up for Webelos. I've got to get him a new uniform, and he's such a big kid for his age. He seems to be doing very well. But I still find it a struggle sometimes to have him keep his hands to himself, particularly around his little brother. That Asperger's thing.

xW is still moving out, said to be out by next weekend from these apartments and fully entrenched over at the OM's place. I can bet he will some day rue that decision -- she's going take his property away from him before its over.

That's none of my concern regardless, except where my S"s are concerned. I am dead certain she will now begin the slow steady move towards getting our S's moved out that way and to transfer them to other schools. All more than an hour away from here. It's like seeing a major storm front approaching from many miles away, a dark foreboding cloud cover promising thunder, lighting and hail. She wants her way and to force me out of the picture, but I will stand my ground and fight her every step of the way, God willing.

I am continuing onward with my day to day life, working myself silly, raising my boys, sharing a little fellowship with friends, and writing part of a new novel, but all the while knowing the storm is a'brewing.

I've been thinking a lot lately about things, mostly out of summoning emotions and thoughts in putting word to paper (electronically anyways). I've revisited some of the thoughts and feelings I've had over the years, particularly in the M and in the separation. I find in my current reaction quite a bit of regret for much of my own words and deeds from back then, especially in the days following the bomb. I see the foolishness and the folly, though I can't find fault in keeping hope alive. I wish I could take back some of the words, changed my tone.

In many ways I wish I had thrown in the towel sooner. Not that I am disagreeing with DB principles, but that they were just not going to work in their unvarnished form in my sort of situation. I think, paradoxically, that had I recognized xW for just exactly who she really was and agreed to the divorce sooner then tough love might have shaken her to more rational regard for me and my position. Perhaps. I think resisting her through trying to "save" the M merely gave her something to fight against and a means to demonize me. I do not think it would have changed the final outcome, we likely still would have divorced, but it might have taken the wind out of her sails for her next phase, which was to try to also take my children away.

It was this latter that pains me more than anything. She has her own free will to which I have no domain, so she can go if that's how she really feels, but to try to alienate my own children from me is too much.

So maybe the acrimony was inevitable.

But of course one should not be dwelling too long in the past other than to learn from it. The apostles tell us, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
[Phillipians 3:13-14]

We have to keep moving forward, at whatever pace we are able.

[soleil]

In many ways I wish I had thrown in the towel sooner. Not that I am disagreeing with DB principles, but that they were just not going to work in their unvarnished form in my sort of situation. I think, paradoxically, that had I recognized xW for just exactly who she really was and agreed to the divorce sooner then tough love might have shaken her to more rational regard for me and my position. Perhaps. I think resisting her through trying to "save" the M merely gave her something to fight against and a means to demonize me. I do not think it would have changed the final outcome, we likely still would have divorced, but it might have taken the wind out of her sails for her next phase, which was to try to also take my children away.

Think that totally makes sense. Dropping the rope is hard but essential. Hindsight is always 20/20 though.

But of course one should not be dwelling too long in the past other than to learn from it. The apostles tell us, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
[Phillipians 3:13-14]

We have to keep moving forward, at whatever pace we are able.

Great verse and inspirational

[karen43]

NC, I think we all dropped the rope as soon as we are able. We all progress at different rates. I know I have regrets sometimes--definitely wish I'd kicked X out when he was living with me and the kids and "dating" OW or whatever you want to call it. I would NEVER put up with that again!!! But I remember I was in that kind of mood where I was full of regrets, and my therapist at the time said but you did the best you could at the time, she was right, as much as a depressed, zero self-esteem person could do. And you know I think it's 100% admirable that you worked on your marriage, and fought to keep your family intact. You shouldn't have regrets. And truthfully, I think if our X's weren't kind of nutty, we may have had more success. Nothing you can do about that...

[NoCodeBlues]

Hindsight is always 20-20.

Of course, back then I really could not come to grips with just what I was dealing with. I could see the betrayal, of course, but it took me a while to really understand the depth of that betrayal, just how far she was willing to hurt me and take me for everything. And given the person I had always seen her to be, for the previous 17 years I had know her, it was impossible to find congruence in the two extremes of personality. Night and day. Night and day...

I think I had for so long held out hope that the "day" persona had been real at least once upon a time and would soon resurface.

Yes, letting go was best in my case. And sooner might well have been best. Perhaps. I'll never know.

But I have no regrets for standing for M, even if it exacerbated the animosity of the wayward. I know now, just as I knew then, to the very core of my soul, that it was more important to stand for honor and to stand on principle, whatever the cost to myself personally, to be the model of love, integrity and commitment to ideals before my children. And so I can rest assure that I will be able to look my two S's squarely in the eyes some day and honestly tell them I did my best for our family and stood for my M to their mother. And while I continued to make mistakes along the way I know that those were often the result of hard choices, and opting for the lesser of two evils.

...

It's been about three years now since I discovered these boards. I continue to lurk and check in on the many friends and acquaintances I have found here. I also remark about how many lives have changed and that many have moved on. Most are on the alt now, more so there than in DB now. It is the way of change I guess.

[NoCodeBlues]

Hi, Karen,

I missed your reply above somehow. Yes, I can agree that our former spouses were indeed nutty. But I seem to find myself second-guessing my actions of late, wondering from time to time if I had taken a different tact might have had better results.

But these thoughts get me nowhere. That's all in the past and cannot be undone. The most that such reflection can do for me is to help me avoid similar mistakes in the future.

[NoCodeBlues]

I had the first consultation yesterday for S5's counselor. It was just an intro for the parents. xW decided to be about twenty minutes late showing up.

I was a little annoyed at first that she decided to be tardy, but it turned out to be sort of a good thing in the end. It gave me and the C a chance to speak together without xW's interference. In retrospect I guess I was quite a bit more loquacious with the C than after xW finally arrived -- and I think it was enough that the C noticed.

We had been talking about the interaction between S9 and S5. And I was offering my observations that S5 has been exhibiting behaviors that are likely the result of his frustrations with his older sibling, who has Asperger's. S5 is trying to cope with a very controlling and demanding older brother; and while they do love each other very much, it causes S5 a lot of stress. So he has shown a penchant for alone time, and seems to relish one-on-one time with either of his parents. Time in which S5 gets to be his own person without the heavy often overbearing influence of S9. S9 thinks that he is in complete charge of S5 and his well being, he often fails to understand that his little brother is his own person with his own individual personality.

S5 has learned, through his interactions with S9, to deal with people who violate his personal boundaries by taking forceful actions (pushing, shoving, seeking revenge, etc.) While this usually doesn't bother S9 all that much and there is no diminishment of their love for each other, this is not a constructive remedy for any other situation and is counterproductive for handling social situations outside the home. The behavioral incidents that spurred the observations by S5's Pre-K teachers were the very reason we were seeking C'ing services for him.

I was relating my observations to the C when xW showed up. I gave xW a chance at that point to add to what we had been discussing. Looking back I tried to be magnanimous and to give xW the chance to contribute her own perspectives to describing the issues with our S -- which xW most certainly did. Not unexpectedly, xW attempted to demonstrate her "superior" knowlwedge as a parent and as a lay-expert on Asperger's Syndrome (AS), especially regarding our S's. While much of xW's words confirmed or supported my own statements, some of them were contradictory, and some of xW's assertions were painfully self-serving. I held my tongue and decided it would be counterproductive for me to voice a contrary opinion or to be confrontational. But I realize that I was becoming more and more silent, and the C could obviously note the difference. In fact there was a point where the C made a comment that was subtly directed at me, and I gathered that the C was offering me the opportunity to add some more of my own input. The funny thing is, I thought I was contributing as necessary.

It was then that I realized that I was barely breathing.

In my head I was calm and trying to absorb some of the information xW was offering. She was going on about "consistency" in raising the boys, and how she felt her approach was the one having positive results. She contradicted a number of points I had raised before she had arrived, and took credit for things she most certainly had nothing to do with. I said nothing because it would have merely devolved into a he-said-she-said argument. I didn't think it was worth it given our purpose there was to help S5.

As a result the C suggested that she have separate sessions with the each of us, myself and xW, prior to her seeing S5. She identified that her reason was that she felt she would get a more complete picture from us individually than if we were both present. I nodded my head in agreement, but inside I was enthusiastically in support of separate sessions. I was realizing just how repressed and oppressed I had been feeling with this former spouse around. I look at how I have reacted and now think this is not me -- how did I get here? I have been walking on eggshells for so many years now, that I now feel a sense of freedom when she leaves and I am suddenly away from her. She has become a person who I just do not want to be around anymore.

Driving back from the appointment, it hit me -- I realized that to a large degree I was very much like S5 in our M and xW was more like S9. She always wanted control of the situation -- our family, our finances, our decisions -- everything to do with our MR -- and I was foolish enough to yield so much to her. It was not so healthy a R as I had always assumed. And while I figured out the control-freak nature of xW through the MC's help, I am now figuring out the parallels in the dynamics between our S's and those of the MR.

I can't see the forest for the trees sometimes.

Now, having said that, I am acutely concerned that this dynamic between my S's does not also eventually lead to animosity between them. I can already see that S5 is becoming more and more resistant to having his brother dictate to him. And while some of that is the natural friction between siblings in general, whatever their neurological conditions, I am more sensitive now to the potential problems this may lead to. Fortunately they will never be able to D from each other in that sense, but it has the potential to lead to a similar schism some day when they are older. That would be a terrible shame.

At the same time I am earnestly seeking help and solutions to aid my S's cope with their situations and to help then grow into well-adjusted adults. S5 needs to learn to handle the challenges with which he is faced, including an Aspie for a brother and the rigors of socializing with his peers.

[ClingingToHope]

You can only control your time with them. Keep giving them a proud stand-up father and they'll gravitate your way.

I understand about that difficult dynamic. In my case, my D11 gets extremely frustrated with D8, who is ADHD. You just have to handle D8 differently, more with kid gloves.

D11 notices the difference. She also struggles because she tries, tries and tries to be a good big sister and D8 still bulldozes her.

Man, parenting is tough. I now find it EASIER to do it alone because I don't have to put up with STBXW's moods. I still wish we were a team and doing things together. But the last three years we were together we weren't really a team.

Are there any recourses on the school situation? Can she just move them to a different district without your input.

I'm lucky. At best, STBXW would move closer to her mother, who is picking up where STBXW used to lean on me. That's just 20 minutes north.

And if she did that I no longer would be able to help watching them after school. That would suck. I wouldn't see them every day, but it would mean I'd pick up an additional night with them. In mediation, she agreed if I couldn't see them after school then I'd get them two nights a week on my off weeks.

I'd end up having them six nights out of every 14 -- very nearly 50/50.

I also wish I'd done things differently in the beginning of the separation, but that's water under the bridge and I keep reminding myself of the name of another thread -- this is a marathon, not a sprint.

[NoCodeBlues]

Are there any recourses on the school situation? Can she just move them to a different district without your input.

She's not supposed to be able to. xW is required to negotiate any major decisions concerning our S's with me, or failing that through the parenting coordinator. But then she's not supposed to have cheated on her H (me) either, or broken up our family, or perjured herself about my character, or a whole slew of other things she shouldn't be allowed to do. Moreover, my former spouse has proven she will say and do pretty much whatever she pleases, and so I know that she will proceed with her plans anyway, one way or another.