As I lose my mind someone..someone tell me. Do I confront my wife on this OM and the fact all signs point to her having a EA ( at least) with this Co worker and introductions to her family have been established – or let her do what she will.
It has been eating me up inside for the last week knowing my wife had introduced OM to my children and her family. We have only been legally separated for 4 months, this affair must have been going on even when we lived together. I told her I felt it was inappropriate for her to introduce our girls to him. I said introducing him to your family is no concern of mine. I felt I should have been informed of the fact she was thinking about introducing OM to our kids. She said know she heard this from me that perhaps it was the wrong thing to do or at least she would have approached it differently. This is another huge emotional blow for me knowing she has confirmed OM. I am sick to my stomach knowing….. emotionally numb.
Even though it has been some time since I went through what you are going through, it still disgusts me to read about such things.
For me, it was a boundary she broke as she had agreed to not introduce the kids to other men. She broke her promise and blatantly exposed the kids to her affair by kissing in front of them and even having OM kiss my daughter. My daughter was led to believe that it was cool that mommy had both a husband and a boyfriend. When I first learned from the kids, I was both heart broken and in a rage at the same time. This, along with her threats of finding a rich guy to buy the best lawyer in town caused me to strike fast and hard by filing for a divorce and a protective restraining order to keep the kids living in my home.
I resorted to the Final Last Resort that Michelle mentions in her book. Over the year following my filing, I detached and gained emotional strength. My wife noticed the change of me not being a doormat and right before the D was final asked for another chance. But I had no desire for her anymore as she was selfish and had not taken any steps to prove she really desired the marriage to me.
My main advice, as many others will say...learn to detach from thinking too much about your W and OM. Improve yourself for yourself and your kids. It is not easy, but if you keep your focus on the kids sake, the rest of your life should fall in place. There is no guarantee that your wife will have an awakening, but I believe that because you have kids together, it will cause her more often to reflect on what is important - family.
And a backup effect of your detaching and GAL will be that if she does indeed push for a divorce, you will be that much further along emotionally so as to carry on with you and your kids lives post D.
My daughter was led to believe that it was cool that mommy had both a husband and a boyfriend. When I first learned from the kids, I was both heart broken and in a rage at the same time.
When I call my wife and confronted her about OM she said it is a co worker and it "just happened" From what I know if my wife of ten years emotionally I do not think she has any idea where up or down is. Wife could barley keep the house running with two kids know she will have to deal with 4 kids.
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learn to detach from thinking too much about your W and OM. Improve yourself for yourself and your kids. It is not easy, but if you keep your focus on the kids sake, the rest of your life should fall in place.
The very day my wife moved out of the house I stopped all conversations with her about everything except the girls. Little Texting if any no phone calls to her ever. When she dopes off the girls it is all smiles for me more or less pretending everything is good in my life. She tries to have small talk but I politely cut her short and say sorry but if there is anything you need to talk to me about regarding the girls please test me. I hope this is a detatching step for me.
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There is no guarantee that your wife will have an awakening, but I believe that because you have kids together, it will cause her more often to reflect on what is important - family.
I think our generation has lost the meaning of the word FAMILY as WAS are only thinking about one thing there happiness.
As I sit here and continue dwelling on Wife and OM I force myself to switch gears and contemplate the direction life has steered my.
How do I talk to my 8 and 5 year old daughters about OM. Now wife has introduced OM to her family there will be a lot more encounters with him.
Kids are perceptive and I think when wife introduced OM to them as a "work friend" I'm things it could get squid if girls start to see affection being passed back and forth between Mom and OM. Wife is only concerned about her happiness right know probably thinking the girls do not need any more information than what has been provided about OM.
I disagree and need to ask the question: do I talk to the girls and lay it on the line " this is mom's new .......Friend ......boy friend......lover.....partner......you get my point. What do I say to the girls? I want to be open about what is going on and to be one step ahead of wife in this conversation, I do not feel wife will talk to girls about OM.
Comments please.
PS I was talking to my girls about mom moving out long before the inevitable. I asked my wife if girls ever asked her what is going on, wife said the girls have said nothing to her ever. I told her they ask me lots and lots of questions, and every day I ask them if they have any question for me to answer. I swear this open communication between my girls and me kept the shock to a minimal as I gave them a play by play of what to expect each and every day.
Wife just dropped the girls off at the house. It is the first time I have seen her in person since she has introduced OM to her family and our kids.
My heart was coming out of my chest as the girls always put up a fuss when they leave there mom. I did not want to talk to wife at all so I kept the conversation short and to the point. Wife tried to repeat the same things she had texted me a half day ago and I cut her short says buy buy.
The oldest always has the toughest time separating from her mom and my heart breaks seeing her upset. When I finally calmed the girls down, I felt like I had a knife piercing thru my heart as the girls told of the day they had with mom and the OM and his kids.
It is so tough when the kids are part of the triangle. Time is about the only thing that will get you somewhat used to something that you never expected to occur with your family. However, it will take some serious soul searching on your part as to whether you could ever forgive your W.
However, it will take some serious soul searching on your part as to whether you could ever forgive your W.
Sunday night I went and read every one of my threads start to finish. Knowing what I know now, every comment I made and every comment from the community hear was BANG ON.
1.No emotion from wife about anything / no effection.
2.Wife purchases new undies gets rid of the grannies…Oh Sht
3.New phone texting a lot ( this is when I new there was someone new)
4.Wife indicated she was not willing to go to councelling to work on M She was done / wanted a legal seperation and pushed for it. Beginning of no sleep go a lawyer.
5.No emotion from wife when packing ( she had someone in her corner coaching) she had a reason to escape and get out.
6.Wife said she would live with parents and the girls for short time only. Wanted to be single and raise her kids.
7.Wife takes OM and his kids to Summer cabin for family introductuon. Only four months after removing herself from the home. four f'n months
8.My Kids tell me about weekends with mom OM and his kids. ( this is what really kills the emotional sperit of a person)
9.Me, telling my family wife is in afair, wanted out of r and her strength came from OM.
10.Wife pushing to talk more. Me no talk just text or email regarding childeren. ( gone as dark as possible with kids involved)
11.Second biggest blow OM is a co worker…
12.Me, consumed by this destruction of a family.
I look into my childerens eyes and see the stress of OM. The questions are there I have just not been able to pull them from there little minds.
They say affairs with Co workers is a very popular activity for the lonely. Affairs do not last long.
Wife never got her emotions in check from our issues before entering into the affair. Some where down the line she will have to deal with her inner thinking. If affair fails she will look like stupid from all angles something I know she will not be able to handle alone.
However, it will take some serious soul searching on your part as to whether you could ever forgive your W.
Rant continues As I continue to look back at what transpired with my imploding marriage my animosity towards Wife lingers. I keep rewinding the last conversation I had with her confronting the OM and the introduction to her family and my kids.
First the co worker rebound ….brilliant, wonder how that is being portrayed through her office.
The comment when she said “ it just happened and with tears she says I feel bad”
She comments “ we never talk anymore” no sht Sherlock you are in an affair. Do you think I am going to talk about the weather with you…. My comment “the ONLY talk is about the kids and thru e-mail or text messaging.
The fact that on my birthday three weeks ago she bought me a few things along with a card from the girls, I know this is her way of justifying her actions and trying to have peace of mind.
The true reality from my opinion is how wife feels about having four kids around her and the OM. My girls are g5 and g8 his are g11 and b15. Wife’s day to day organizational skills could but barely keep up with her kids only.
Just to get it off my chest here on the board rather than actually committing the offence, how I would so like to e-mail her mom dad and brother and say “ how proud they must be of their daughter throwing her family away. They must be proud of how their daughter kept the affair going for almost a year before coming clean. Bla Bla Bla……
The fact I have my girls 50 percent of the time is mentally helping me get over this mountain of emotion.
As I read more and more posts here I may have a harsh reality check. Since my wife has introduced OM to her family and our kids technically it is not and affair even though we are legally separated she can date and do what she pleases. For me to go out and find “ a friend” to hang out with and try and make the wife take notice may not work as she could be thinking she is relieved I found someone else and she can continue on with her new relationship guilt free. Reality hurts.
