I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[newmama]

ladies...the GAL before dating helped me feel a little more confident but I definitely don't know how to go past the 2nd date! talking is easier...I have had a lot more experiences in my life since I was dating in my 20s. So it really makes getting to know other people pretty fun. Hey, you and WN have a few more years of experience so I bet it would be waaaay easier for you two!! But hopefully neither of you will have to do it and will save your marriages instead.

[TimeHeals]

Pfft. GAL? You haven't even been alone long enough to have your own life, IMHO.

Seriously, at your age, why not give being single a year before you worry about "getting past the 2nd date"?

Take time to become YOU.

[newmama]

Pfft Time Heals. When does being single start? Does it start when the judge officially declare one to be divorced? Or does it start when your spouse leaves you for the OP?



Since I know I can't get past a 2nd date I know I am not ready for a relationship. I am ready to enjoy some male company and then feel more confident next year when I get out there for something potentially serious.

[TimeHeals]

When does being single start?

When you are perfectly happy doing whatever it is that you do on a Friday or Saturday night without feeling like you need to be out on a date.

Seriously, when you stop "needing" male company. When you are perfectly happy alone with your child. Then, when you do date, you can be more objectively selective.

We're back to how GAL was really for you, and why you needed to do it whether or not you saved your M.

[newmama]

Thank you, Donna for this link:
http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com/?p=4743#more-4743

Closure is part emotional healing work and part decision. At some point you have to decide to turn the page to DECIDE that it’s time and it’s enough and it’s over and thank you and goodbye. At some point you have to CHOOSE the time to move on. And that is the time of closure…it comes after the hurt and the anger and the confusion…but it comes. And it comes from you and you alone. It is a side effect of walking through the pain but also of saying “This is it. I’ve had enough of this pain and anger and not living….it’s time to move on.” and then you MOVE ON.

That is closure. It is the integration of having experienced a loss, having worked through the emotions of that loss, of having decided that it’s time to move on, of recognizing the new self that is moving on, of committing to becoming the best new self you can be, and then going forward. That is closure. It happens for you and inside you. And only you. You get it from within.

And even if you have all the questions in the world, closure is possible down the road. You have to decide the answers don’t matter. It’s NOT going to make sense. You hurt, you are angry, you are confused, you are every emotion in the book, but you can survive even without knowing the answers to everything. At some point you have to accept, it is what it is and you may never understand exactly what that is. Then you Move on.

That is closure.

Wow. Well stated. As an ENFJ, I CAN'T STAND unfinished tasks--need to complete a task! So I think this is what also influenced my decision to wait for my stbxh to come back around because it just didn't make sense why he gave up so much for THE WHORE. And why he could suddenly just stop loving me.


But when my IC finally helped me to recognize that it doesn't make sense why stbxh would divorce me while being uncertain. (I am one who always wants to know WHY and HOW and find the cause for stuff but I couldn't find a plausible explanation for this) He said therefore, it means stbxh is not reliable with his mental and emotional state...and that is not something I want or need (my decision). And so that is when I dropped the rope! (I do have a thread left but that is my quirky nature- I need the divorce to be legally granted/completed to let go of the fiber of the rope)

[newmama]

When you are perfectly happy doing whatever it is that you do on a Friday or Saturday night without feeling like you need to be out on a date.

Seriously, when you stop "needing" male company. When you are perfectly happy alone with your child. Then, when you do date, you can be more objectively selective.

We're back to how GAL was really for you, and why you needed to do it whether or not you saved your M.

I do not have any issues being home alone on a Fri or Sat night! That IS NOT why I am dating! I am dating for male companionship and for some validation. So what? Dating does not have to mean looking for my next husband, sheesh! 75% time that I was going out this summer was with my friends, not these 3 men I went out with!

When I want to find my next serious relationship, I will approach this pretty damn differently. But I guess I don't have to defend myself...just am procrastinating before starting chores. SO I will respond a little more.

I think I know myself (weaknesses and strengths) and know what I am doing.

Ideally, I could have learned about GAL years ago before I got married but I didn't OK? I learned about GAL from this terrific woman, MWD, because I was facing divorce. So I GALed in order to rebuild my self esteem and to hopefully capture interest of my stbxh. Well obviously we can't make someone else love us. So I still GALed, nonetheless, and it helped me to feel better about myself, meet different people, enjoy my life a little more, etc.

And when I kind of fell into dating, I realized GAL helped to prepare me to date.
DATE. NOT BECOME SERIOUS.

So thanks for helping me to find a way to explain myself I guess ?!?

[TimeHeals]

So thanks for helping me to find a way to explain myself I guess ?!?

All of the men I tell not to look for women to help build their sense of self-worth (to find it on their own) argue with me too.

So you know I am not being sanctimonious, it's not like I haven't looked for female company to help build my self-esteem in the wake of breakups at earlier points in my life.

I'm not doing that now. I like female company, and I do not fear relationships, but I am using this time with myself to work on things I want to do that are easier to do without winding up accidentally in a relationship... which is really something that can happen way too easily... at least in my experience.

[Mrs. A]

For me, it's been like something finally clicks and then you realize - OMG, I've been doing this for like 15-16 f'ing months while DWH has been having his own adventures. F that!

You've done a lot of internal work during your separation, NM, and I'm really happy that you're now testing it out IRL. That's exactly what my therapist has told me to do. I will try.

Anyway, good for you!!!!!! And love hearing about it...

[newmama]

For me, it's been like something finally clicks and then you realize - OMG, I've been doing this for like 15-16 f'ing months while DWH has been having his own adventures. F that!

HOLY CRAP. This is EXACTLY what happened to me this month! EXACTLY.

Are you on FB Mrs A? You know, under a pseudoname or something? I am Chatty Newmama.

Well anyway, this recent short dip into the dating scene has taught me
1)be open to men in their 40s (MEN not boys!)

2)I may be turned off by excessive facial hair but I am not turned off by lack of hair (I already knew that but it is a reminder, lol!)

3)The traditional way of learning about someone through interviews (i.e. tell me about your job, your interests, your family, etc etc) IS BORING and unnecessary!

4) I do want a man who is willing to talk! And it is okay- meaning I used to
think that if I overlooked a quiet guy then I was writing him off. But guess what? I love discourse and do not want to be the only one able to verbalize!

5)Dare to be bold with my opinions(as long as I am tactful) and not worry about turning someone off; If I will like him for him, he can like me for me or we shouldn't be together! I learn fast.

[newmama]

Well have accomplished some chores and reading and am now watching one of my favs,
"Bridget Jones' Diary!"

wow...haven't seen it in like 6 years? or more?

I almost have it memorized! It is familiar like getting together with an old friend! But now I am watching it while choosing S' pics to purchase!!! lol!