Quote: live my life and hope that h doesn't get left behind...I just don't want to be one of those couples that go about their own business and simply live together and on occassion are h and w know what I mean?
LL, do you feel like that is how it is going now? How would H be left behind? Do you plan on shaking things up? Are you afraid to rock the boat? As a former lug, I can tell you that it does take a shock to the system to make one move.
I do recognize that you are living your life. It is good that you are going to your classes. Are you happy with your classes? Do you use classes as an escape? What do you want from life? For me, it is difficult to cut through some of this stuff.
I asked you before. What do your guts tell you? Do you feel deep down that things will get better or not? A counselor of mine said to me once, "be glad that things happened now rather than 10 years from now."
LL - I have followed this thread some and have notice that you have received lots of advice on lots of topics. But this jumped out at me.
Quote: I don't forgive him and I probably never will and don't feel that I should have to, he obviously isn't showing me that I should forgive him.
Forgivness is something you do for YOU, not for him. IMHO If you don't forgive him then you will always have some resentment toward him and that resentment will prevent your R from ever getting better. I submit that if you never forgive him that that will prevent any DBing from working.
YEP. I agree. There is NO excuse for it. I know, I was a WAW 12 yrs ago and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Difference is I owned up to it and worked my butt off to make it up to my H. I don't think he ever forgave me and I think he justified his A because of it. I wonder if they have that long of an affair if they really ever get over the OW. He SAYS she means nothing to him, and that may be true, but it's the way she makes him FEEL that worries me. YOU ARE SO RIGHT that if they put half that energy into the M. they would get so much more out of it! I think I'll tell my H that! Rachael
It seems like a good idea to me. You have said repeatedly that you can't forgive. If that is truly the case, what is the sense of staying in the marriage. I do tend to agree with the notion that the R cannot improve until forgiveness is granted. The difficult thing for you is that everything lies on your shoulders. I do understand the difficulty.
Quote: live my life and hope that h doesn't get left behind...I just don't want to be one of those couples that go about their own business and simply live together and on occassion are h and w know what I mean?
LL, do you feel like that is how it is going now? kinda How would H be left behind? put it this way...before son was born one of my gf's was dating one of h's old friends..they would call us to see if we wanted to join them going to a comedy show or here or there..often h would say no...I'd go anyway..h wasn't fazed..he can sleep on the couch wether I'm here or not Do you plan on shaking things up? what would the point be? Are you afraid to rock the boat? na, just not sure if I want to jump into the ocean and swim or simply get out of the cabin and hang on the deck in the sun As a former lug, I can tell you that it does take a shock to the system to make one move. too many shocks...more of the same from me...plus sure h does step it up a bit after a shock but you know the saying "the changes aren't real or lasting" he inevitably reverts back to lugdom
I do recognize that you are living your life. It is good that you are going to your classes. Are you happy with your classes? the emt class was fun, this class is a 2 week hazmat required class..kinda a drag but the first class we made fun at least at our table Do you use classes as an escape? a yup! What do you want from life? I wanna be a supermodel! no just kidding, I want the fundamentals...I want friends and family...I want to laugh, I want to walk in the rain..I want to kiss in the rain...I want to sit on the beach and watch the sun set...I want to someday get my masters and work with troubled kids somehow connected to the school system so that I can still be around for the kids. For me, it is difficult to cut through some of this stuff.
I asked you before. What do your guts tell you? that this m will ultimately end someday with or without a divorce Do you feel deep down that things will get better or not? for a while they'll get better but in the end when all is said and done it wont A counselor of mine said to me once, "be glad that things happened now rather than 10 years from now."
oh ya and the forgiveness thing....sure I forgive him for doing what he did...I don't however forgive him for trying to point fingers at me about it and I don't forgive him for continuing to neglect the r.
Forgivenessisdamn hard for me. Just when I think I've putit behindme I remember something like seeing her in his truck with him riding around,when we were still very much together, nad when I asked himabout it he said she just stopped by his office and had some time tokill. I told himthen that I thought it was inappropriate. He kinda sorta agreed with me.Then later I found all her phone numbers in his work planner. I asked him about it and hegot defensive and tore the page out. I guess I knew in my heart then-my gut was telling me something was wrong but he lied SO WELL. Truth is, I DON'T trsut him and Iknow he can tell and I donj't really care. He has to earn my trust. I don't think forgiveness is s gift we giveourselves at all. I can't possibly think of forgiving my H for audultry as a gift in any sense of the word. Like you LL, if he was doing more forthe R, it would go a long way to help me trust him. Maybe that will happen. I'm not sure. Until then I plod along not quite sure what to do. I wish I knew. There is no formula to gaini trust. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do-try to trust him again. I'm not sure I can. Rachael
trust and forgiveness are two very different animals. You don't have to trust to forgive. let's not forget too that forgivness does not mean forgetting.
I've done what I can to "forgive" h for his major lack of judgement with this woman...I've done what I can to try to believe what he tells me of the depth or lack there of concerning their r. I will never forget....does that mean I haven't forgiven? I don't think so...I don't hold it over his head...I don't use it against him...I don't say..hey, you did this thing so therefore I can get even madder at all the little things you now do or don't do as a result of it. If I didn't forgive him for it he wouldn't be here, I wouldn't bother with him...he and everyone else in the world would know that I haven't forgiven him...my issue with forgiveness is not knowing clearly what I am forgiving him for...was there a physical thang going on??? haven't forgiven him for that one cause he hasn't admitted to it, infact denies it...so that bit is still looming...sure people tell me to forgive anyway..it doesn't matter...ah but it does...I don't want to forgive someone for something they didn't do. That's like saying to an honest person...it's ok I forgive you for lying.
trust? well trust is a whole other issue...don't know that I ever did fully trust h to begin with? or maybe I did trust him..trusted him too much...never much felt like he trusted me though...not in matters of fidelity but in matters of trusting me with himself..trusting me with his feelings...trusting himself to be exposed to me...I never felt as close to h as I did when he first came home...he opened a door and showed me feelings and the person I knew was there...I suppose if I saw more of that person I'd trust him more. but then again would I?
I did what I know I'm not suppose to do. YEP. I called my H and told him I had a question. He said "OK." I asked him if he had talked to the OW. He said "No." I asked him if he didn't think it strange that she never called him after all these yrs of being friends and having the A. He said "I don't know." Then he started being sarcastic,and I told him that reminded me of how he used to be when he was in the A before I knew, but I suspected and asked him questions. He would get very defensive. He said,"It's almost 11, and I was almost asleep." AHHHH!
I told him that if he wanted me to trust him he had to help me and sarcasm was not helping. Then he started being nicer,and we said goodbye. I might be pushing him awawy by doing this, or I may be testing him. Seeing if he can take it after what he's done. He can at least reassure me when I need it. Iwish I really had a way to know if he was talking to her. If he was, it would be over. It would tell me that she will never be out of our lives and I'm not willing to live that way. If he cares about his M at all, he better be telling the truth. I'm going to bed so I don't haev to think abou thtis anymore! Rachael He's not very convincing is he?? Rachael
