Quote: LL, I'm curious. Why do you think he tries to avoid you? Has he always been like this? Rachael
I suppose he avoids everyone wich is why it is such a surprize to me that he had a girlfriend.
his friends that he used to hang out with when we met all still get together and one couple actually lives 6 miles from us..he never calls them if we see them it's cause I call...he only calls buddie..one of his friends/employees is buying a house nearby..I asked if he would be inviting him to come over and watch football with him sometimes..his answer...no! I then asked him who his friends are and he had no answer...said he has aquantances..I asked if I were going to have a surprize party for him how would I know who to invite? his answer?? vauge...the guys he goes to the game with...funny not that long ago he refered to these guys as a bunch of animals...and the only time that I know of that he spends with them is at the games...I know that most of them are actual friends with eachother outside of football.
here's the point..last year before h moved out but after disclosure of ow..we had been going out once a week with the couple that live nearby....we were sitting there and the wife commented that he didn't seem to be enjoying himself...he had nothing to say and was just a lump on the chair at the bar...along walked on of the football guys (they were in another room with wives etc. celebrating a b-day) h lit up..came alive...the answer is clearly...he is not happy with me...is happy with other people but doesn't want to include me in that crowd? why? cause he wants to play mr. & mrs. jones with me? the responsible couple that stay at home with the kids? and then go off and party till he pukes with other people? point is now he knows all the guys and their wives...has for years..but he's never brought me around them so now can't cause I'm the wife that doesn't fit in. if he even wanted to wich when I've asked he says he doesn't want to hang with them.
I don't know who my h is other than the man that works to pay the bills and that he likes football.
Quote: LL, There must have been a reason you wanted him back. Can you think of what it was? How long was he gone? Rachael
he was gone over six months...honestly..I think the reason I wanted him back was so that I didn't have to face being a divorce mother of two at 30.
Finding out about ow was just about the end to me anyway...I recall saying to one of my friends (the brother or the woman who saw h with ow) I can't put up with this, I wasn't happy to begin with...I can't stay with him...help me do this.
that week h and I talked alot about m and our r...the only time he seemed at ease was when I talked of just ending our m...he talked and talked and despite the fact that he had voluntarily stayed at his parents for a week or so after he was here awake til 1am talking to me etc.
the reason I wanted him back and part of the reason I don't just give up? because in there somewhere is the guy I fell in love with long ago..every once in a while he comes back to the surface...I've stayed around waiting and waiting for life to not continue to drown him out..he himself kept promising me that man would come back with time..just that work and other things needed to happen first...well the clincher was that man did come to the surface..but it was not for me..that man came to the surface for another.
I don't forgive him and I probably never will and don't feel that I should have to, he obviously isn't showing me that I should forgive him. Maybe I would forgive him if it did him some good..after all he's gotta realize that if she could cheat on her h so could I right?
h used me to get back into his home and to the kids so that he didn't have to be the bad guy anymore...now I'm stuck with the crippled dog I let in.
never feed stray animals! they become your responsibility.
Well LL, are ya gonna stick it out? It sounds like your damn mad and you have every reason to be. Sorry, but I don't agreee with stuffing your anger when they do something like this. They HAVE to know you won't stand for it. Tell him how you feel and get it off your shoulders. The thing is it doesn't help to keep putting it in front of them after that. Not that you do, I don't know. I know what you mean that you H acts happier around other people. My H does that too, but so do I. I think part of it is a front, part of it is we've stopped relating to one another. I want to talk to him and he say he CAN'T talk to me. I say BULL to that. I am willing to listen anytime. We are trying to work through this but he makes everything harder than it has to be. He really screwed everything up. Rachael
they really did screw everything up didn't they...but didn't you know? it's all our fault that they screwed it up..if we were being perfect little stepford wives they wouldn't have screwed up.
let's try to end this thread on a positive note (btw I'm stiking to my guns about not creating any more threads) h did finally arive home a few minutes ago..hugged son and appologized for being so late (of course he didn't mention to him anything about football and just said that he was working) they are now in the truck plowing the drive way..good thing I have 4 wheel drive else I wouldn't have been able to get son to school this morning as neighbor is very helpful but doesn't plow the whole thing so I had a major mound in front of the garage to get through...as they say..the cobblers children go shoeless.
I've said all I have to say to h about this incident...I'll try not to hold a grudge about his attitude with me (heck all I was trying to do was ask him not to lie to son in the future..if you are only 50% sure you'll follow through then say maybe or I'll try...don't 50% lie to the kid).
I will say my H says there is no justification in what he did, but then he also says to me that I don't understand how things were to make it happen. Huh??? Does that make sense to you? I knwo what happened-she was after him for years and he finally caved because she made him feel so important. He finally did realize he didn't really want her, but he did like the feeling she gave him. God.....it just goes on and on. Rachael
So the question remains...what are you going to do about your situation?
IMP
live my life and hope that h doesn't get left behind...I just don't want to be one of those couples that go about their own business and simply live together and on occassion are h and w know what I mean?
oh, ya and also hope that while I'm out there living my life I don't get distracted by the distractions.
I heat ya there...my h's ow was after him (or any number of guys she did spend time with bil long ago too) for a long long time as well...he just didn't see it and to be honest I still dont think he does..that would have to mean he see's her as flawed and him as a victim where he prefers to see himself as the one who did wrong she was just there. fact is they both took advantage of eachother..used eachother..that after all is what affairs are about...using the other person to meet some need of your own...sure you think it's them but in reality it's just what you get from them...kicker is most often they are giving more too the op and that only serves to get them more in return when if they spent half as much energy on the marital r they'd be getting so much more and wouldn't be living with the constant thread that the whole world is one day going to discover their sham and they'll loose it all.
it's not my fault at all that h had an a...I accept no responsibility for it at all..it would be like me finding someone to go out with and have sex with and then saying well gee h if you would do those things with me I wouldn't have done it with them.
