son is waiting for h to come home as he was told that he'd be able to ride in the truck to help daddy plow the drive way...
daddy wont be home til long after son is in bed due to football game and work..
h calls to say hello and let me know the woes they've endured on the way to the staduim (poor babies. blah!)
son doesn't want to talk..
a few min later son asks is daddy here? I reply no daddy may not be home til after we're asleep.
son says..."I want to talk to daddy about this"
I call h's cell (I know he's not out plowing so figure it's ok) uncle answers, son doesn't recognize the voice so throws a bit of a fit...h gets on phone and deals with him..some tears..some of that stuttering pouting stuff and finally passes the phone to me.
h is short with me on the phone...expresses that he's about to snap...I simply say...just don't snap at me...h then says I gotta go.
I could have gotten pissy with him but didn't bother to...what really would be the point..he'd only argue with me anyway. so I left it at just don't snap at me...then ok bye.
guess what...
h called a few minutes after to appologize if he had snapped at me. I expressed that it made me feel like I shouldn't have let son call him..he expressed that I should always let son call him "that's what it's all about"
so that's that.
now to put dd's football shirt on as the only games they lost were when she wasn't wearing her shirt.
I have to say I handled myself better than usual last night. H was suppose to stay overnight. We went to a movie (Love Actually-GREAT!!) and then came home and lit a fire and watched TV. H did not initiate sex, but I suppose he would have after we went to bed,but our S called and said he was coming home instead of spending the night at his friends. Now he is not fond of the idea of his Dad satying here. He loves his Dad alot and does not want to hurt him, but when he got home he had almost nothing to say,and acted pissy. He just went to bed. My H said he could not stay and make things worse for him. I disagreed and said the reason he is that way is because he does not trust that you are not seeing the OW still and your not acting commited by not staying with us. It would prove to him that you really want to be with us and he would get used to it fast. I was upset H left but talked on the phone to him about it without really arguing-just stating my point. This morning S asked where his Dad was I told him he left because he did not think he wanted him here. I guess he called his Dad and asked him why he left-when I asked him what he said he told me that his Dad said he thought about staying. No more info. We were at our D's all day so no chance to talk. I'll ask him later tonight when we talk what all was said. I told him he should talk to our S and let him know that he is NOT seeing the OW at all. He hates those kind of conversations, and I don't want to seem controlling, so I'll butt out. When H left he gave me a really good kiss, but did not say ILY. Most of the time he says it when we part. I did tell him I hate it when he leaves,and asked if someday he'll be staying. (Iknow, I know!) He said yes. Talk is cheap. We'll see what happens. I do think he'd stay alot if it weren't for our S, but that's his problem to work out. I am going through a very insecure time right now and don't like it. I'm not in the Xmas mood AT ALL. I'm not putting up a tree (first time ever) because S says he doesn't care, we're never home anyway. We are always at our D's house 4 doors down. She has said they are staying home this year and wants us to come down there in the morning. Also a first. Everyone has always been here Xmas eve and morning. I don't know if our oldest S will be coming home from Colorado (that will be a first too). Everything is changing so fast. When did my kids grow up? It seems one day they were here and then they weren't. Our youngest S is a senior this year. He'll be off to college probably next year. I can't imagine being alone in this big house. I guess the holidays are the time to either feel wonderful, or feel like crap. I try to hide it, but it's all really getting to me. Sorry this is a downer post-it's just the way I feel right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. H and I are going Xmas shopping-I have not even started yet. D and I are making cookies this week. Hopefully that will help too. I just never thought our lives would be like this-ever. Rachael
here's an idea...put up a tree..put some lights on it..decorate it any way you like..bring out the decorations and make the house festive and happy..matters not if people wont be comming..not doing it may only serve to further your down mood.
I do understand about not wanting to bother...I discovered h's ow just before christmas and had no desire what so ever to do any of it...but forced myself to and was glad I did.
Thanks LL, but don't know if I'll bother. My H will probably make me feel guilty about it, but he has not said anything about getting a tree so neither have I. I'll decorate the fireplace and hang all the stockings. That will probably be it. I've forced myself the last two years to decorate when I felt like absolute crap. This year I'm not doing it. I don't see the need to. When I walk inthe empty house with the tree alllit up it just serves to remind me of how H and I used to turn all the lights out and lay on the couch and cuddle and look at the tree. No thanks. Not this year. Rachael
I'm not sitting here pouting about it believe me...I'm just saying that it seems like we come third..and that would make me come kinda last in h's mind. in the end does it matter?
This is all the more reason why you have to get out and get a life. Yeah I know - the kids - but just take baby-steps towards something. You should not be waiting around for him to get round to you. Men just don't, they put all the effort in when there is a crisis and then just sit back and think "Our M is OK, don't need to worry about that". Remember they cannot concentrate on more than one thing at a time.
BTW I think there has been some research done about men and football, how it reaches their emotions in ways other things don't. It is their only real manly emotional outlet, they get to yell, cry, scream, etc in a way they can't normally get away with so in the end it's good for them and keeps them on the level. And they get to do that guy bonding thing.
whatever
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
so I could keep my mouth shut no longer...I mean really...you take 3 hours to drive to foxboro 5 hours to watch a football game a couple of hours for cooking your damn steak tips in between a few more hours to drive back to brothers then sleep for another 6 and think that has nothing to do with why you ended up lying to your son when you told him you'd be home before he woke up?????
you call me to piss and moan about shovels missing and the like..as if I'm supposed to care about that stuff when you've lied to your son? I mean really h...you told him you'd be home before he woke up...now you wont even be home til a few hours after he gets out of school..and what am I supposed to do to comfort him when I'm damn rightly pissed at you too? you want to sit and tell me there was a 50% chance that you would have made it home...well then I tell you buddy there's a 50% chance that you would end up lying to your son like you did!
you tell me not to throw the kids at you??? well you have kids...sure I've learned to not expect anything from you..learned to have little faith in your word..but you are teaching your kids that daddy talks out his a-hole...and that work and football are more important to you than they are...how do you think your kids are going to see you as they grow??? you think son is going to want to work with you? na, I think he's going to resent your work just like I did...don't you wonder why when you are here working he no longer wants to stay with you and often prefers to go work with the neighbor???? even if the neighbors kids aren't out with him???
hey h....guess what....I think I love you....or would you prefer I say...I love you, I'm not in love with you? your just lucky that I don't travel in a circle to meet someone to open my mind to the true possibilities of life.
h your a selfish passive aggressive a-hole and to be perfectly honest with you...I'm not afraid of you leaving anymore...infact I think I might let out a great sigh of releif if you do...sure I'd be sad for the kids..and the holidays would be a mess (be fore warned I'd fight to have them on most of them anyway) we don't need you h and that is your own doing, life is easier when your not around. Sundays are much better when your not here.
this is the reality of life married to h...
h turned out to be a dissapointment to me...is not honest...is not dependable...is not trustworthy...gee if that is the message I as an adult carefully trying to consider his work and his right to a life...wonder what message he's sending his kids!
I KNEW this was coming when I watched the game last night! At least you won, can't you at least be happy about that after getting screwed in the World Series?????
I KNEW this was coming when I watched the game last night! At least you won, can't you at least be happy about that after getting screwed in the World Series?????
oh sure tony...I'm happy that they won..gee maybe they'll get to the superbowl again and h can take off to new orleans or some other nice place to party for a weekend with his buddie while I stay at home with the kids.
the point is not about the game or even the fact that he went to the game..it is simply that had he NOT gone to the game he would have been able to keep his word with his son.
suppose I really shouldn't expect much of a man though...well at least he pays the bills..is that worth keeping him for? or would that simply then allow him to find himself another girl friend and use the age old...oh my wife just thinks of me as a wallet routine?
so tired of the bs..so tired of being blamed for everything..
so tired of biting my damn tounge just so h can be happy and we can pretend to be a happy little family when in fact I know we are not!
I still love you...so you have that going for you!!!
You said:
Quote: your just lucky that I don't travel in a circle to meet someone to open my mind to the true possibilities of life.
That is very interesting. It tell me that you are unhappy with your life, regardless of the R that you have. Also, it suggests that you are looking at your life in terms of others than in terms of yourself. We open our own minds to the true possibilities of life. What is it that lostlove wants for herself. Also, I see a woman who finds that she isn't getting a chance to use her mind. Maybe you are really mad at yourself.
You undoubtedly have some things to figure out. Don't let your life pass you by.
I still love you...so you have that going for you!!!
You said:
Quote: your just lucky that I don't travel in a circle to meet someone to open my mind to the true possibilities of life.
That is very interesting. It tell me that you are unhappy with your life, regardless of the R that you have. Also, it suggests that you are looking at your life in terms of others than in terms of yourself. We open our own minds to the true possibilities of life. What is it that lostlove wants for herself. Also, I see a woman who finds that she isn't getting a chance to use her mind. Maybe you are really mad at yourself.
You undoubtedly have some things to figure out. Don't let your life pass you by.
IMP
I knew you'd be by...
maybe h was right...he can't reach me...sure I can use my mind when I'm with him if it involves watching current events and the like but forget any kind of philosophical thinking and dream on if you get any thought there'd be any physchological discussions...h lives in a world of food and money.
I use my mind pleanty...just a shame I can't share it with h...he's either to simple minded or who the heck knows.
I don't mean to imply that my life depends on others..it doesn't..I can be content to be alone..heck if I really look at things I've always been alone..sure the idea of a r was always in place but I don't think h and I have ever really had a consitant r.
points you make are valid imp..but they are not unknown to me..
