Quote: Well, I hope I wasn't too late in trying to formulate my additional 2 cents .
'til later, KAW
never too late...
however...h is a conflict avoider...doesn't confront...doesn't argue..doesn't solve..is content to just say "that's just the way they are" or "that's just the way I am" or "that's just the way it is"
that's a fine and dandy way to live if you want to live alone in a cave and only intereact with people on a basic level..but not if you actually want to have personal relationships with people where you discuss more than just football, weather and current events.
So then either the way I look at h as a conflict/intimacy avoider and nothing I do will ever change that OR I am a basket case and just can't get through to h.
there was a time when I started to just believe "that's just the way he is" as it seemed even his own family saw him that way....
BUT
how can it be so?
he did have some kind of intimate r with ow, I don't think a woman with a terminal illness would leave her husband and father of her two young boys for a man who wasn't intimate with her...after all her complaint of her h was that 1. he didn't love her and 2. he wasn't emotionally available.
ugh!
thanks to the rest of you for posting. I'm just tired of it.
You have said that before and if that is your choice, there's not a damn thing wrong with your thinking.
When I read your last post though, my thought were the same as I mentioned to you a while back. It seems to me you are accepting the fact that what you see is what you get. It will be up to you to make the change that you need. You may need to take a risk. It is telling that you said things started down this path before marriage. My guess is that you wondered whether or not you should have gone through with the marriage at that time. I heard that from my ex. So here you are. You go in circles when speaking about this stuff. And it always seems to come back to the fact that you really are unhappy in this marriage - with or without the trust issues. The choice is yours.
I am not sure what to do. I do have ideas (I do have ideas), but you have to get this guy to move and that means you will have to make the first move. You're young and if you just hang on, life will pass you by.
Quote: "that's just the way he is" as it seemed even his own family saw him that way....
BUT
how can it be so?
he did have some kind of intimate r with ow
Perhaps, it was the newness of it all. We get an initial surge of euphoria in a new relationship, then we tend to return to our equilibrium level. Obviously, when you were deciding to marry there was some heightened level of interest in you on the part of your H. I can remember meeting women with whom I clicked while married. I did get the inner excitement. I just never did anything to pursue it.
Quote: "that's just the way he is" as it seemed even his own family saw him that way....
BUT
how can it be so?
he did have some kind of intimate r with ow
Perhaps, it was the newness of it all. We get an initial surge of euphoria in a new relationship, then we tend to return to our equilibrium level. Obviously, when you were deciding to marry there was some heightened level of interest in you on the part of your H. I can remember meeting women with whom I clicked while married. I did get the inner excitement. I just never did anything to pursue it.
IMP
that would make sense in most any other sit imp...however...h's interest in this woman occured before he married me! she even wrote him a letter before we married (btw she was already married at that time) he knew me for many years prior to meeting her however there was something there with them.
his words...
there was a feeling with her that was never there with me..he told himself this can't be right, I'm supposed to be marrying LL..so he stayed away from her (other than keeping her as a customer) but nothing changed with me...he missed that feeling decided one day to start talking to her again and "it" was there.
at this point I don't really care about my m...there is little at this point that h or I can do that will make things better...sure there's some little things that will suffice..but I feel like I've waisted and vested so much of my life in nothing for nothing....I honestly think that if it weren't for these two kids (which I questioned bringing into this r in the first place so it's not the kids getting in the way of the r) I would pack a bag and go away on a long soul searching vacation by myself for myself and may not even tell anyone where I am...sort of a do over for live in general.
and there's no point in dreaming of waiting til the kids are older cause that is what my mom did and it sure didn't make things any easier on me.
ramble, ramble, ramble, bitch, bitch, bitch.....all I can do is talk and try and change, and do this or don't do this or do that or don't do that...point is the only way to get h's attention is to act like I don't give a crap anymore and that is not the kind of r I want...I honestly don't even think I want a r anymore...how bout a friend...that would be nice.
Quote: .so he stayed away from her (other than keeping her as a customer)
oh but wait I forgot, no he didn't stay away from her...the first christmas we were married he went to her party (who invites the landscapers to their private holiday pty in their home?) and refused to bring me. ya I should have known then!
What you say may be true, but then my ex told the counselor that she was never really madly in love with me or something to that effect. They were words. I did come across some stuff that she sent me while engaged. You know what, she was crazy about me. So who knows. Words can be idle. I don'ty know if that is the case with your sitch or not.
Quote: ramble, ramble, ramble, bitch, bitch, bitch.....all I can do is talk and try and change, and do this or don't do this or do that or don't do that...point is the only way to get h's attention
but are you really getting any attention?
Quote: I honestly don't even think I want a r anymore...how bout a friend...that would be nice.
I actually find that to be healthy. And also, it is best to define ourselves in regards to ourselves and not in regards to any relationship that we may have.
Quote: ..is content to just say "that's just the way they are" or "that's just the way I am" or "that's just the way it is"
... and that's how things got the way they were to the point that it almost fell apart forever!!!
The way he was when he came home is how he got to stay home in hopes that it won't return to the way things were.
How can there be two ways he is ? I don't buy that. He has to understand that if he lowers the bar for himself, he is fostering the same ill results to reoccur again. Does he really want to relive that again?
Quote: h is a conflict avoider...doesn't confront...doesn't argue..doesn't solve
which is why he can't be approached as you are on opposite sides on this. The approach needs to be that you are hoping he will team up with you to help nuture a good thing rather than letting it go sour. Being indiffrent doesn't work because people are emotional creatures and those emotions need to be attended with positive interaction to maintain positive emotions. Without constant nuturing, the postive emotions wither and die only to be replaced negative ones.
Now there will be times where our spouses will be incapacitated to the point where they cannot assist in maintain our positive emotional health and we need to be able to rely on our own strength for during those "draught" periods ... but to expect to live a lifetime with someone unwilling to assist in helping keep our emotional state positive is unrealistic and would for most unwanted.
Uh-oh ... looks like I managed to get some venting in on your thread ... or wait ... that's right ... I guess you're still considering this my thread?
