Puppy Advice

[DumpedforMIL]

By saying this you left the door open a little bit. If a man is interested he's going to step right through it.

so next time, i should just be blunt and slam the door shut?

This is the thing. You should be straight and honest and should have told him that. It's direct, it's the truth, it's genuinely you. We get so hung up about worrying about someone else's feeling that we keep ourselves from being authentic. It's being authentic that leads us to the best places. The other people are adults, they are responsible for how they handle your honesty.

i did get hung up on his feelings and i didn't want to be mean.
he asked me what i thought of him and whether he was the man i envisioned in my dreams (here's the puke bucket).
i paused for the longest time. i didn't know how to put it. so i said no, you're a lot broader than i thought.
i really did not have any good words for him.

if you want me to be my authentic self .. this is what i really thought.
he basically made himself sound better than he really was in person.
he kept saying that his body was a temple.
uh .. his body was stocky .. looked like he was on 'roids but started to let himself go.
he looked like he was 10 yrs older than he really was but dressed like a teenager, had the manners of a cow, and doused himself in half a bottle of cologne.
if you are interested in a woman and you want to impress her, you have to dress to impress. a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers is not dressing to impress. also, you ask her about her. i asked him questions but he didn't ask me anything. so no, i don't just go by physical appearance. i evaluate the entire person as a whole, and buddy, that was not impressive.

maybe it's from the db-ing but i don't go out looking like a rag. i do my hair, make up, clothes, a great pair of shoes and handbag. i also don't check my manners or intelligence at the door.
when i make that kind of effort, the person sitting across from me had better be making the same kind of effort. i don't think i'm asking for much. don't take this as me being cocky. it's knowing what you want and not settling for less.

is that what you mean by being honest and my authentic self?

[steady]

so next time, i should just be blunt and slam the door shut?

No. Don't be blunt, leave the door open. Have him text you and email you constantly. :-)

i did get hung up on his feelings and i didn't want to be mean.

So not being 'mean' put you in a position where he doesn't respect your feelings. See how they went backwards? Speaking the truth gets labeled as being mean. It's not mean to answer a question authentically. Do we need to walk around telling every overweight person they're fat? No. But you do need to put your real self out there.

he asked me what i thought of him and whether he was the man i envisioned in my dreams (here's the puke bucket).

Only insecure people need to ask what someone thinks of them.

i paused for the longest time. i didn't know how to put it. so i said no, you're a lot broader than i thought.
i really did not have any good words for him.

lol @ broad. "I don't dream of men."

if you want me to be my authentic self .. this is what i really thought.

I don't want you to be your authentic self for me. I want you to be it for you. It's something I'm working on and it's really freeing and liberating. Why do we have to hide the truth? Why do we have to pretend to be something we aren't? Why do we have to wear a freakin mask?

he basically made himself sound better than he really was in person.
he kept saying that his body was a temple.
uh .. his body was stocky .. looked like he was on 'roids but started to let himself go.
he looked like he was 10 yrs older than he really was but dressed like a teenager, had the manners of a cow, and doused himself in half a bottle of cologne.

Red flag - when a guy brags about himself he has emotional problems like a lack of confidence. Confident people don't talk about their confidence. They just exude it. They know they are so they don't need to point it out.

if you are interested in a woman and you want to impress her, you have to dress to impress. a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers is not dressing to impress. also, you ask her about her. i asked him questions but he didn't ask me anything. so no, i don't just go by physical appearance. i evaluate the entire person as a whole, and buddy, that was not impressive.

maybe it's from the db-ing but i don't go out looking like a rag. i do my hair, make up, clothes, a great pair of shoes and handbag. i also don't check my manners or intelligence at the door.
when i make that kind of effort, the person sitting across from me had better be making the same kind of effort. i don't think i'm asking for much. don't take this as me being cocky. it's knowing what you want and not settling for less.

is that what you mean by being honest and my authentic self?

YUP. That's you - how you think and feel. Now if you don't show that picture and authentically speak it, how are you going to attract someone with the same values?

I read what you wrote and I feel different. I'm not going to dress to impress. I'm going to dress like I normally do. Why? Because if I put on a show, then 6 months later start becoming 'myself' she's going to sit there and say, "You used to dress much better." So she fell for the show and not the real me.

So if I was on a date with you, and I said, I dress the way I dress and I don't dress to impress. Now you feel - 'I think a person should dress to impress', but you don't say that because you like me and you're afraid of what would happen if you actually said that and disagreed with me. Then there is no authenticity and I don't know I'm dealing with a person who feels the opposite of me. The R is now being built on something other than the truth.

Wow, that looks an awful like most relationships. The honeymoon period ends and the 'real' people show up.

Think about this - where do you think your M would be if you were absolutely authentic the whole time? No buried feelings, no going along so you don't make waves, no accepting a R below the kind of standards you wanted.

[DumpedforMIL]

No. Don't be blunt, leave the door open. Have him text you and email you constantly. :-)

haha. not funny, steady.
i got a text msg at 9:28 pm - "where did ya disappear to?"
still ignoring.
how long can i keep ignoring this guy?

So not being 'mean' put you in a position where he doesn't respect your feelings. See how they went backwards?

but i like being nice. i just don't like clingy guys who lie about who they really are, just to get attention.

Only insecure people need to ask what someone thinks of them.

i didn't ask him what he thought of me. he volunteered that information himself.

and i didn't care to offer my thoughts on him because if you have nothing good to say, it's best to say nothing at all.

lol @ broad. "I don't dream of men."

glad you got a good laugh at that one. i didn't know what to say!

Red flag - when a guy brags about himself he has emotional problems like a lack of confidence. Confident people don't talk about their confidence. They just exude it. They know they are so they don't need to point it out.

take note guys.

confidence is attractive. but when you are vocal about it, it's arrogant.

I read what you wrote and I feel different. I'm not going to dress to impress. I'm going to dress like I normally do. Why? Because if I put on a show, then 6 months later start becoming 'myself' she's going to sit there and say, "You used to dress much better." So she fell for the show and not the real me.

if you were interested in your lady, you would make the effort. i guess that's what i was getting at. if you weren't interested, you'd bei knew right off the bat, he was very interested in me. so why didn't he make an effort? come to think of it, maybe that *was* his way of making an effort. yeesh.

being yourself is the way to be - eventually. not on the first meet.

Think about this - where do you think your M would be if you were absolutely authentic the whole time? No buried feelings, no going along so you don't make waves, no accepting a R below the kind of standards you wanted.

i think my m would have been over a long time ago.
but now, i wouldn't want to settle for less.

[Dudess]

Tough call. If you had responded to his suggestion that you just see each other as friends, with 'No thanks. I'm not interested, I would say just ignore.

He may be incredibly dense so maybe a text 'I don't want to see you again. Stop contacting me.' is in order.

However, I think you were clear enough that a normal guy might call you again, maybe even two times over a week or two, but get the hint. This guy never stops and texts at 5:30 am. That is rude and major boundary busting.

[Dudess]

I'm not going to dress to impress. I'm going to dress like I normally do. Why? Because if I put on a show, then 6 months later start becoming 'myself' she's going to sit there and say, "You used to dress much better." So she fell for the show and not the real me.

If a guy didn't make an effort to look his best for a date, I would think, 'if he doesn't even make an effort now, he would get even lazier later in relationship.'

I certainly wouldn't expect that he would do that all the time, (I wouldn't do that either), but would hope that even in a long term relationship, when we go out together, he wants to look good for me.

I don't think it's inauthentic to put your best self forward in the beginning stages of a relationship. Putting your best self out there doesn't mean you have to pretend to be someone you aren't. You can still be authentic without being an open book to someone you don't know that well yet.

So if I was on a date with you, and I said, I dress the way I dress and I don't dress to impress. Now you feel - 'I think a person should dress to impress', but you don't say that because you like me and you're afraid of what would happen if you actually said that and disagreed with me.

There are reasons other than fear that someone might not tell you what they think. I'd be thinking that no, you obviously don't dress to impress, and wondering why you feel the need to tell me that you don't dress to impress. To impress me with how secure you are in being you? I would think that if you really were, you wouldn't feel the need to announce your renunciation of social norms.

[MrBond]

Dudess is right. When you're first dating someone, you look your best. Period. If you look like a bum and say "hey they have to accept me for who I am", well that's your perogative. You'll just find yourself going home alone at the end of the night.

Now there's a difference between dressing to impress and being superficial. That's what I think you're talking about. What woman would want a guy who doesn't know how to take care of himself and look his best regularly?

[steady]

The stuff I used were only examples. Some of them were poorly chosen....

[DumpedforMIL]

If a guy didn't make an effort to look his best for a date, I would think, 'if he doesn't even make an effort now, he would get even lazier later in relationship.'

bingo.
if this is as good as it gets, then i'm out.

if i'm out in public with my man, i want to be proud to have him beside me. i want the other women to envy me. that's why you make an effort for her. i don't think this is any different for a man.

I certainly wouldn't expect that he would do that all the time, (I wouldn't do that either), but would hope that even in a long term relationship, when we go out together, he wants to look good for me.

yup. i'm not saying you have to make the effort all the time, but first impressions is very important. you don't want into a job interview in your regular clothes and say "this is who i am, take it or leave it". you dress your best for the interview and when you get the job, you look at what your colleagues are wearing and you try to stay at that level. if your colleagues are in shirt and tie every day, are you going to go to work in shorts and t-shirt just because you want to be your authentic self?

[DumpedforMIL]

Dudess is right. When you're first dating someone, you look your best. Period. If you look like a bum and say "hey they have to accept me for who I am", well that's your perogative. You'll just find yourself going home alone at the end of the night.

that's how this guy ended up not getting a second date.

Now there's a difference between dressing to impress and being superficial. That's what I think you're talking about. What woman would want a guy who doesn't know how to take care of himself and look his best regularly?

yes, there's superficial and then there's self-confidence and taking care of yourself.

you really have to be careful with the "this is who i am, take it or leave it" mentality because many times, you will hear spouses being left behind because they've let themselves go. is this not a lesson to be learned? men and women who've gained weight and stopped making an effort for their spouse. and it's not about being superficial but it's about taking care of yourself and loving yourself enough to do something about it and being healthy.

we all have to make the effort and once you become complacent, you're going to end up on the boards here, wondering what did i do wrong? if you can't even bother putting in the effort to look good, will that translate to the kind of effort you would put into making our relationship work? working on a relationship is harder than making yourself look good.

and what is the first thing people tell you to do when you've been left behind? GAL, go to the gym, buy new clothes, get a new hair cut, etc. what does that tell you? the advice is not to tell you to be superficial. it's telling you to look and feel your best.
secondly, you have to be able to sustain these changes otherwise the walkaway will know that nothing has changed. looking your best and putting your best face forward has to be your new 'norm'.

i'm not trying to be hard on you, steady.
my guess is .. if you met someone who blew you away, you'll make the effort. why? because she'd be worth the effort to you.

[steady]

Like I said, some of the examples were poorly chosen. I missed the mark on getting my point across and it has now wandered off on a tangent.

What I was saying has nothing to do with a take it or leave it mentality. Hell, I'm the hardest working changenest man I have ever met. I've been doing it for over two decades. I'll be the first to tell you if you don't change you're going backwards and you're growing stale.