Quote: Just wish they'd spend a little more time trying to see it from ours
but life is all about them don't you know that?
just feeling crappy...feeling ick...feeling like I don't know what the heck the point of any of this is anymore...feeling like we're drifting...feeling like we're just going through the motions..feeling like if we could just stop we both would and would breath a little esier and say goodbye...but can't and therefore try to make it liveable.
I don't know...just know that I don't feel much better about things then I did before all this happend...only difference is I've become more complaciant about a lot of things and do less "complaining" and "trying" to make things better.
I dunno...just wish I felt better about this m...don't know that I ever did feel right about it and now wonder with this scar, will I ever?
Sure I can rember a time when I thought h and I were a great couple but that was a long long long long long time ago (it had started to drift long before we married)...don't know that we'll ever fully get back there again...think there's too much damage done...to much mistrust..two completely seperate lives and I don't know if we are really growing closer or just learning to leave eachother alone.
ya know it would be nice if that guy who started this thread would return to it...I feel like a squatter
I got happy and got a life...lived my life and h suddenly realized that he was going to an empty little basement apartment after work all by himself (doubt his ow's husband would let her spend too much time there) or comming here three nights a week and watching me walk out the door with a smile to go who knows where and enjoy my life.
h realized that I would be getting the better end of the stick...him comming here three nights a week so I could be free to go where ever and do whatever...him comming here three nights a week to take care of his own kids and then on the other free nights must have realized that he would have to spend that time with his ow and possibly her kids and then ultimately watch her die (her disease is supposedly terminal leaving her something like 7-15 years to live) him then to be left alone, looked upon with shame by his family and friends while I reap all the benifits of his work.
that and perhaps the ow wasn't putting out yet as she had only started to ask her h for a d toward the end.
I don't believe for one minute that h actually came home out of some love for me..unless of course you count his desire to make sure that the kids and I are well provided for financially as love.
I don't believe he came home because he wanted to make things better.
I don't believe db is for every r...some people just weren't meant to be together and all dbing does is give them a way to fake it for a while.
I wasn't happy with my m before all this but at least I felt safe...now I am still not happy and certainly don't feel safe.
I don't trust my h as far as I can throw him...he could stay home every day all day and I still wouldn't trust him so what is the point of trying to be in an intimate r with him????
LL, I can certainly understand how you feel. It's just one day after another trying to make this R work and then when and IF he does come home will I have to walk on eggshells again? I've been big on trying to get him to come home, but I'm with you about the trust thing. I'm not sure I'll ever trust him again. Can I live with that? Well, so far I am, but I'm not sure in the long run if I can keep it all stuffed inside. I'm working my tail off trying to get my H to feel for me what he used to feel. Do I have the power to do that? I'm not sure. I think he'll either come around or he won't. We are together all the time and he says ILY and we are intimant, but am I HAPPY? NO. I want it all. I want more than my H can or will give me. There are things about him that I know will never change and I have to decide if I can live with them. I want someone that cherishes me. What would that feel like?? It's been so long I've forgotten. Not forgotten enough to not want it though. It must be venting day today. I'm in some kind of mood about all this. I guess we all go through this at some time during this crazy process. The only sure thing in life is change and our H's changed on us in a big way. We are bound to change also as a result of it. I'm not giving up on my marriage but I am questioning what I'm getting myself back into. Do you think it's possible your doing the same? Rachael
Quote: ya know it would be nice if that guy who started this thread would return to it...I feel like a squatter
So you're looking for more than my two cents worth, ehh! Sorry I haven't been around much, but I have been keeping up when I can, and I have been thinking a bit about your quandary, but haven't been able to come up with a response that would make sense of my scattered ponderings, but let me give it a shot.
Your post this morning seems to re-affirm that the gist of your underlying frustrations come from the belief that you are now as close in the relationship as H will allow you to get. The current level of emotional intimacy has too much distance between you for you to be happy with accepting it.
LL, there is nothing wrong with that, but let me ask, what level of closeness can you accept to be content in M? Now, we all want to be greedy and want it all! ... but what if you don't get quite all the pieces? How much of it can be missing and you still can be happy?
Now I ask this because you have brought it up several times lately how you wish like him to revert back towards the way he was when he first came home. It wasn't perfect, but could you be happy substaining that level of the relationship?
Where I'm going with this ... I think ... not really sure, but please bear with me a moment ... is ... in his current frame of mind the D has been "busted". He's not going anywhere! ... and he probably believes in all the effort you worked at for the past year that you're not going anywhere too! So now there is nothing more that needs to be worked on.
He doesn't realize that if M is left to stagnate, it will deteriorate to a point where neither is happy anymore again. In order to be a M where both are happy, both need to work at continuing to strengthen the bond between them.
At this stage, the two partners need to work together towards that common goal. I think you are going to have to approach him about working towards that in order to get there. You know he's capable. He did more of it last year. He stopped! Why? I think you're gonna have to let him know that in stopping he is endangering the health of the M!
Yes, you have tried to talk to him in the past only to be thwarted by his belief that "No matter what he does, its never good enough!" That's why I had ask those questions above. In order for it to work, you are going to need to remove this hurdle. Before approaching him, you have to be clear in your mind ... what is good enough. Lay it out as the "ground rules" of what will make you happy being married to him and he has the right to ask the same of you.
Spell out "What is good enough" without it being everything, so that if he does work towards those things, you can turn that this mornings post around to ... you do feel he is married to you because of you ... and you can accept it.
LL, take this for what its worth from a guy who is still dealing with a W that is still in runaway mode (atleast in her mind), but perhaps changing your perspective from you are no longer dbing to "bust" a divorce, but rather honing your dbing skills to build a stronger bond between the both of you and in order to do that you are going to have to tutor H some in how to do that and I tried to write some of this down in a way where you hopefully can pick out a few key phrases that he may be receptive to.
Quote: that said I wont be waisting anymore of your or my time posting about my sit anymore.
Well, I hope I wasn't too late in trying to formulate my additional 2 cents .
...like we haven't heard that one before...don't you go anywhere girl...Cathy 
