Oh man, LL...I really feel for you! BEEN there and in some ways I still am.
I sure do remember the colic, being a snot rag, toys flushed down the toilet, whining, fighting, throwing up, and ALL of it. I remember being so sleep deprived at one point that I was practically halucinating, worn out from nursing and wondering if I would ever get more time to myself than 5 min. in the bathroom!
From what I've seen, but for the few stay-at-home dads....they just don't get it. Not even the best guys I know and it SUCKS!
The weird thing is how it all went by so fast and how much I miss it. It was the hardest job I ever did staying home with 2 kids (especially all those months on end alone when H was deployed). Now that I look back, it was also the sweetest time.
I don't know, LL. I would be very tempted to take the "I want list and post it up in your bedroom. I think I'd also be very tempted, in your shoes, to gently but irrevocably tell your H that he needs to take the kids every Saturday or whatever so you can have some time. Damit, Janet, you and I could get together & go see Rocky Horror Picture Show!
Then again...maybe I'm a bad influence and you shouldn't listen to me because I ain't the best DBer around, LOLOLOL!!
AGain, I'm with Tal on this one LL....only for once (and perhaps it's because I don't have human kids) I'd be even MORE bold.
It's Sat or Sun...you make plans...he parks it in front of the T.V....you get ready....park the kids on his knees...give him a kiss and say "I'm outta here, got some shopping/stuff to do"...BYE!!
I agree with Shiney, These are his kids also. As a man I work and do all of those things. I still have time for my D. When my W needs time for those kinds of things she just has to say hey I need to go and do this take care of our D. So what I would do if I were you is you need to go shopping. Get ready plop the kids with there Dad say I will be back in 2 hrs and then just go. It is possible to watch football and take care of kids at the same time. I know I ahve done this.
I just think its time to start asking for what you need and then doing it.
If h were a bit more of a "man" and treated me a bit more like a "woman" I don't think I'd mind as much being the "woman" and taking care of the kids so that her "man" could relax a bit and enjoy his sports.
ok so I pissed an moaned here about h and his football...actually I didn't keep it all in at home either...infact said to h last night that he should just go to wherever buddie is and bring a bag with him so he could watch mon night football with him.
of course h said not a word in reply...
h eventually fell asleep down there and I went up to bed myself..he woke early in the am (prob about 4:30) and left for work at 6am...
I was expecting him to hide out in the basement again watching football tonight but instead he had son ask me if I'd like to play cards with him tonight (why he didn't ask me directly is beyond me).
so ya, he is watching mon night football...but he's also playing cards with me...
why the heck am I here? cause he's taking a but break.
Quote: Great idea nik...however...h couldn't even commit to one night a week for "us" time therefore it is doubtful that h would actually commit to making time for me to have alone time...his argument would be that I can go out any night I want...thing is I'm tired at the end of the day and my going out any night I want always seems to be on some condition of his...ie. put dd to bed first.let him spend an hour on the lawn first..let him get settled in first etc. during our separation after I got tired of playing happy family I decided to take off as soon as he'd arrive...I must say the first time I did that he freaked called my cell phone 5 times for no reason (no message left so therefore wasn't asking where are the diapers or binky or anything significant just freaking out being alone with HIS two babies). My H is just like this, when we separated the first time he came home to put the kids to bed, I asked him something about it and he said “I can put my own kids to bed” all sarcastic, like he hadn’t been avoiding ever doing it for the past 4 years. He drives me nuts on a Sunday morning when I am finally supposed to be allowed to lay in bed a little. DD will cry to get up, he will lay there still sleeping (or pretending) while I go and get her. Then I will park her in front of TV with her bottle and come back to bed. Anyway without boring you with the details, it will take a full hour (at least) and him having to be allowed his coffee and his cigarette first before he will finally take over. After which I am wide awake and don’t want to lay in bed anymore. GRRRRR. You are right it is always first this, first that and we are left holding the fort until they are READY if you please
and of course there are other replies I get from him like..what did you think it was going to be like having kids? Did you ask him the same thing? For crying out loud. Your job IS 24/7 it makes my blood boil when they can’t see that.
or then there's the promise of his slow time coming....but does it ever come? sure last winter was great..but will this one be the same? doubtful as he's no longer trying to woo his way back home.
I must say though that despite the fact that he did stay in the basement watching football from 1 on (he's still down there) he did allow the kids to be down there playing and didn't "yell" at them for being kids..and when dd was whining and wanting to hang on me and wipe snot all over me(she's got a cold and thinks I'm a giant tissue) he did try to get her to sit with him...but she wanted mamma..so I cooked with one hand while holding her in the other cause after all that is what mommas do can't begrudge him just because she wanted me. No you can’t, but you can train them BOTH that dad is just as good. This has always been H’s excuse too and I just went through a period of dumping her with him and walking away anyway with him looking daggers at me and her crying before they would settle down and get on with it. Now she doesn’t mind anymore, and I think it makes him feel better that he is wanted just as much.
what do I want?
some designated me time while the sun is still up. a designated "date" night with h. designated or more regular family time. to know what h's schedule is other than that he works every day..I mean his telling me he'd be home early sat left me thinking he'd be home by 1 not 4. When H says this to me I always say what do you mean by early and try and pin him down rather than guess. and damn it I want my h to want me!! more often Here here! There is nothing wrong with this list LL it is all perfectly reasonable. Maybe you should write it up on a big sheet of paper and pin it to the bedroom wall. Then be nothing but sweet to your dear H and see if he can get it into his clueless head what HE needs to do to keep LL around - LOL
While I can totally chime in with your pity party LL I wonder what it is that is making H “hide” in his own home. My H has said something to me about not feeling welcome in his own house. Try and think about whether you have been falling off the DB wagon, I guess this is what has been happening with me and H and he is starting to act like he did before the bomb. I think we need to still keep the DBing up but also be as clear and up front about what WE need as we can. Don't let the resentment spill over that is the trick. Lay it on the line when you have to but other than that be a happy little LL who is glad her man is home, otherwise he will be left wondering what he is doing home if all you do is whine and bitch (I know you don't LL, it's just their terms). If you are whining internally you know it WILL be coming across in attitude.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
sometimes it's enough just to know that others feel the same way.
before all hell broke out two years ago I used to talk with a friend who is also a stay at home mom...
We of course would piss and moan about this or that and in the end I would usually end up trying to see things from the h's perspective...
ie. we resent (at times) their freedom...they go off to work..spend time with adults..take lunch breaks...listen to whatever they want on the radio etc...
they (the h's) resent our staying home and not appreciating them for going off to work to support us.
anywho...
h actually let me help him out today.
whenever h gets busy or seems overwhelmed I always offer to help in anyway I can...
this morning he's stuck in traffic and his cell phone isn't working great..he's supposed to be somewhere but can't get there cause of traffic and can't call cause the phone isn't working great...I offered to call..he said that would be great.
I'm a few days late with this....but wanted to say thank you for checking in on me last week. You guys were great to me during my "down time". I feel like I kinda lost track of you over the past several months, but I do peep in sometimes to see if you are okay. You were so helpful to me during my first months here on the bb, and offered me so much hope. You were also the one who taught me how to catch a monkee. Thank you!
Take care!
MAL
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
My boss where I used to work said she really felt for her H when he got laid off and she realised she was the only one bringing home the bucks. She suddenly understood where he'd been coming from when she'd been at home with the kids and he was the sole breadwinner. You know the huge weight of responsibility, the need to go the extra mile all the time and make sure you don't lose the job/contract the feeling you've got people depending on you. So I know what you mean about trying to see it from their perspective. Just wish they'd spend a little more time trying to see it from ours
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I think we need to still keep the DBing up but also be as clear and up front about what WE need as we can. Don't let the resentment spill over that is the trick. Lay it on the line when you have to but other than that be a happy little LL who is glad her man is home, otherwise he will be left wondering what he is doing home if all you do is whine and bitch (I know you don't LL, it's just their terms). If you are whining internally you know it WILL be coming across in attitude.
Thank you!