My H would not be jealous I don’t think. Curious maybe but jealous no.
I get attention from men, almost always the middle aged long married ones who’s ‘wives don’t understand them’ or whatever and I’m not going there, I’ve been on the other side of adultery and it’s no fun.
Plus I’ve stood for this M for a couple of years now and my H is the adulterous one not me. Maybe when I’m actually D I’ll get a new R, but can’t think of that now.
But newmama you’re right a bit of male attention would be good for the ego if nothing else.
At times it seems like I've let go better than him. I'm calmer in any dealings that I have with him. There still seems to be a bitterness about him, I doubt if he's acknowledged his part in the breakdown, he told me that it was mainly my fault.
Good morning smileuk, my sitch is a little different than most here, but when I saw this I couldn't help but to comment. I hope I've read through the rest of your posts carefully enough - if you've already expanded on this and I've missed it, my apologies. To me, the fact that he's telling you the breakdown was mainly your fault is a huge red flag. No breakdown is ever 'mainly' one or the other partner's fault. Ever. If you attempt to back together with him, while he's still holding this opinion, how can you ever work together, as equal partners, to resolve both of your core issues behind the breakdown?
How do you feel about your role in the breakdown? Hopefully you don't accept the damaging weight of this accusation?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
WAS all blame the BS for the breakdown of the marriage. Don't you believe one bit of it. Yes, I can see how you both MAY have contributed, but he chose to jump ship....
keep your head up.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
Prairiegirl – my part in the breakdown: This is what he’s told me, I looked after him like he was one of the kids and not special and didn’t treat him as a H. this is true, I own that and have apologized to him for it. I allowed us to live increasingly separate lives, not entirely my fault here although I should have made more of an effort to spend time with my H without the kids (research suggests that his LL would be quality time). I became too independent and he wanted someone to be more ‘needy’ (his words). In the beginning he told everyone I was brilliant as I could do anything, I wanted to please so did more this was my downfall. He travelled a lot when the kids were little so I had to get on with it and couldn’t rely on him for support. The OW is the needy type. Ironic eh? No I don’t want to get back with him whilst he’s bitter and feels that it’s all my fault, but would like to see a situation where he owns his part and we work together and resolve these issues. Only then would I consider reconciliation.
Timehealsall – I suppose that the bottom line is that when a person (or animal for that matter) is scared and frightened there’s the fight/flight respond. I choose fight my H chose flight. He was scared and frightened at that time, I was depressed and couldn’t see any future, bad case of empty nest syndrome. He probably felt that life was going to be like that forever.
Trouble is I’m better now and do feel like the woman he M. I unrealistically expect him to see that and want to work on a new and more fulfilling R together, but am aware that that's not likely to happen and even if he did would he admit it after all this time?
haven't posted for a couple of weeks. Nothings changed except me, I don't fear D as much I'm working my way through the legal stuff. Tough times are ahead I know.
The kids don't want us to fall out, but I'm not going to roll over and accept terms that are not in my interest just to keep the peace. That's a 180 for me, when he lived here I nearly always went along with what he wanted as i didn't want to fall out and have to admit I wasn't always supportive of the decisions made. I don't do that anymore I'm more upfront about what I want and opening with my feelings. I'm not scared of the confrontation.
Anyways he's been round to pick up the kids (it's fathers day), came in didn't acknowledge me at all, not even a good morning, do i need to be married to someone who treats me like that - no! I was my usual smiley self, i believe it makes him uncomfortable but who knows.
Things are progressing slowly with the D and I know that it's the best thing to do after all the H is having an ongoing A with my best friend and seems to be happy to take her out in public places that we would have gone to together. That's what I'm finding so tough - it feels so disrespectful to me. It's causing me to be very angry and resentful something i'm working hard not to be.
Still whenever we do meet (every few weeks of so) he completely ignores me. Disrespectful again. He popped in yesterday unannounced I lost my temper and showed him the door, he had previously agreed not to come round unless he contacted me prior to a visit. I probably should suck it up, but the lack of respect is getting to me.
And although I'm happy enough I just feel so sad about the whole sitch. Once the D is over things should be better. The advise here has been to find a new man - that's good advice but I don't feel comfortable doing that until Im actually Dd, although I've been getting some male attention which is good for the ego if nothing else.
Hit a bit of a black cloud again, feeling down and depressed. I know that it's only temporary and has nothing to do with the sitch or my H, it's just something in my make-up that gets me down every few years or so. Last's a couple of weeks and then I'm ok again. Last time was just before my H left, this time it's not as bad so hopefully won't last as long.
Found out that my DB efforts, GAL and PMA have been undermined by my D who in an effort to help has been telling my H that i'm unhappy without him. Therefore he probably sees all my changes as temporary and that they aren't real. Ugh what can I do about that? Keep on keeping on I suppose.
You need to DB your daughter. Don't tell her (or anyone for that matter) that you're unhappy without your H. Always put on a happy face in front of anyone who will give your H updates. And work towards making that true--you are happy in your current life.
If you feel it's necessary and would be taken the right way, you can even sit your D down and simply tell her that you're moving forward with your life and are doing everything to make it a happy one. Tell her you'd love her support in doing so and perhaps include her in one of your GAL activities so she sees for herself that you really are happy now.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I don’t tell her and I’m not actually unhappy without my H. It’s just that I’ve been a bit down generally over the past week and she’s put it down to the M breakdown which isn’t really the reason.
I’ve sat all the kids down and explained to them the reason why I’ve filed for D and that although I’m sad about the break-up I’m not unhappy. I explained that I had the choice of 1. Staying M whilst my H had an affair and living in limbo or 2. Getting D and moving on with my life. I’ve said that getting D was the lesser of the two evils. Told them I had enough respect for myself not to put myself in a situation where i was living in an open M.
S o she understands where I’m coming from. I’ve had a bit of time to think about this logically now and have come to the conclusion that she’s simply playing one parent off against the other, which is nothing new she did it when she was young and we were still together. In a a week or two I’ll be the good guy again.
things haven't improved with my D - she's gone to stop at a friends for a week. I've told her it's a good idea and she went off with a smile from me. Now she's complaining that she doesn't have a car (we share one) but i'm not reacting to that. Its a consequence of leaving home - she's being DBed by me. Hopefully when she returns we will get on better.
feeling more positive though - and can and will get D. The best way to describe it is that I feel really sad that my H chose to walk away from our M and that I'm getting D but I'm not unhappy with my life. Does that make sense?
Also decided to try the internet dating thing - anyone got any experience of that?
