Quote: how will I explain to dd why her baby book isn't as filled in as son's? myself being the last of three children..I didn't even have a baby book..so I swore that all my children would..with son I was dedicated and wrote in it each month his little milestones or just some motherly banter...with dd I started to do the same despite the fact that I was tired and strained and depressed and knew something just wasn't right...her baby book stopped being filled in about the time I discovered ow...she was just three months old...her first year of life was a blur to me...though I was determined to take lots and lots of pics..I am saddened to look at them now for I am reminded of how daddy wasn't even living here for her first birthday.
Don't explain, just fill it in anyway. Make something up, she will never know. There are gaps in my DD's baby book too and that is what I plan to do. Far better that than have her think you didn't care.
Remember you are doing it for her, not for you. The pics make you sad but she won't know. I had a pic I treasured for ages of my mum and I nose to nose and smiling when I was about 2 years old. It wasn't until much later that I found out it wasn't me but my cousin. The point is I got a lot of pleasure from that picture even though it wasn't real so your DD can get a lot of pleasure from the baby book even if you make stuff up. Most of it will be pretty accurate anyway. You know the milestones roughly and you know how you felt/feel about her.
Like you say she was your strength and joy - you can put that bit in for starters!
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
"I never felt that way about you"
"I just want son to be ok"
"I have to put my needs asside for my family"
"that's just the way I am"
"I love you, I'm not in love with you"
"why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you"
"when you know your h is in love with someone else"
"we all just married the wrong people"
and many more that pop back up when h just drifts into his own little world.
point is this that even at best this r is as it always has been only good when it's convenient to h.
I'm sorry but I cannot look at the positives as they were there all along...yes even when h was not living here and outwardly proffesing his love to ow enough to make her leave her h. he was still taking care of the yard and doing dishes.
I will not take responsibilty for the breakdown of this m as there really wasn't much of a m to begin with..the r dies long before marriage if it ever was at all.
I am not happy and only trying to look and search for reasons to think I'm happy with this r. I am not probably never was and never will be.
H well who knows what he wants and honestly at this point I'm about through trying to keep the peace and bite my tounge.
Quote: "I never felt that way about you" "I just want son to be ok" "I have to put my needs asside for my family" "that's just the way I am" "I love you, I'm not in love with you" "why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you" "when you know your h is in love with someone else" "we all just married the wrong people"
and many more that pop back up when h just drifts into his own little world.
LL
Did h say all of those? Or are some of them from ow?
I know what it feels like to have the words come back....it's hard for me to discount what was SAID (particularly since words are so meaningful to me)...but what if you tried to counteract these statements with DATA (I know...more work for you!)...what if you asked h for HELP on this? (BTW -- if you did decide to do that...M&V will tell you not to do that when either of you is on the downward slope...do it when you're both feeling good)
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Did h say all of those? Or are some of them from ow?
I know what it feels like to have the words come back....it's hard for me to discount what was SAID (particularly since words are so meaningful to me)...but what if you tried to counteract these statements with DATA (I know...more work for you!)...what if you asked h for HELP on this? (BTW -- if you did decide to do that...M&V will tell you not to do that when either of you is on the downward slope...do it when you're both feeling good)
Sage
was having myself a little pity party ...
yes some of these things were said by ow so should I really hold onto them?? nope!
as far as the stuff that h said...we did talk about them and more way back when he first started to come around...
"I asked for a d and said a lot of things"
"well did you mean all of them"
"at the time yes and no"
so most of the things have been hashed out already...it's just me and my own damn insecurities...and well ya sure when I'm tired and crabby and feeling like I'm the one doing it all around here (not discounting the stuff that h does do but man I feel like I hold the motherload...hey gee perhaps that's the issue..h is a sexist bastard by nature and assumes it's all my responsibility and if he does anything however minimal it deserves a party, ok I'll stop that crap now)
do I believe h wants to be here with me and the kids? yes, but I'm not so sure he always remembers what he learned about actually being there is more important than paying the bills and making the yard look nice.
do I believe that h wants to be with me? this one I'm not so sure about anymore.
do I believe it would matter to h if I were to leave? ok well other than the fact that he'd have to find someone else to cook and clean and take care of the kids??? not so sure it would matter.
guess I'm just feeling bad for myself right now and not being forgiving.
I am still very mad and hurt by what h did. honestly I don't think he had any justification what so ever for lying to me, cheating on me, leaving me, emotionally abusing me etc. and I don't always feel like he is doing anything to make up for it...ok not make up for it but give me reason to stay? feel like I'm the one trying to make him stay when honestly I know that life was a bit easier while he was gone...at least then I knew he'd be "on duty" when he visited and I could leave without him giving me an attitude and needing more time to settle in.
I just see us walking a very shaky path...don't know what he thinks cause he doesn't have much to say about it and seems perfectly content moving in this direction.
guess I just want back the guy who first came home.
Quote: question ll - because i don't know your prior history all that well, but are your parents still together?
bear with me, i have a reason for asking this
kitti
nope! a year or so before I was married mom caught dad with the final ow...back and forth...dad move out..dad move in..dad move out...dad move in..LL get's call in middle of night from brother to come put mom back together again as her and dad went at it again (dad not getting rid of ow) and bro couldn't deal with her crying...eventually mom had enough and filed for d...all dad had to do was choose ow or mom...he tried to choose both but mom had enough of the 30 years of that crap and said see ya. their d was final shortly after my wedding. THEY still have issues over it to boot. dad making advances at mom...mom still in love with him etc.
before i go into my theory (doing lots of self examination these days) let me ask you this
you say it was crap for thirty years, then truly you must have felt this in your growing up.
was/is your mom a very strong individual? when i say strong i mean almost in a women's lib sort of way. not that she would have been part of the burning bra's era, but that she could do anything on her own, that she didn't need a man? when you look back on this, was your mom a typcial housewife (stay at home) or did she have a career or what?
Quote: was/is your mom a very strong individual? when i say strong i mean almost in a women's lib sort of way. not that she would have been part of the burning bra's era, but that she could do anything on her own, that she didn't need a man? when you look back on this, was your mom a typcial housewife (stay at home) or did she have a career or what?
you are talking to a latch key kid! I assume that at some point mom was home with us (I'm the youngest of three) but I don't remember it at all.
from what I remember mom always had her own life and we were just in it.
dad and mom did spend their time together playing cards and stuff going to functions or out with friends as well as each having their own time but dad had a little trouble staying away from the women and that is the crap that I refer to.
mom was strong yes, she had to be...she had no childhood...her dad split too leaving her and her mom with a newborn son (mom was 10 when uncle was born) so mom was a mom when she should have been a kid. she wanted me to be independant...suppose that's why she wasn't overly mothering cept for having awesome meals everynight of the week. LL
