Quote: You don't LL. You don't know. We can never really know. I'm in the same boat except I love my H very much and want our M to work. I'd have been LONG gone by now if I didn't. I have to figure out if I can live with the not knowing. They say it gets easier-that trust comes in time. Right now, that's what I'm banking on. Rachael
not in much of a different boat rachael,
I do want my m to work and I do believe I love my h..can't imagine why I would have taken him home after all if I didn't. right?
I suppose it is true that nothing in life is certain cept for maybe death and taxes (but then again some say elvis isn't dead and taxes? well I've met a few who don't pay those either) but marriage was something that I thought was certain and perhaps in another day and age it was...now h has shown me that it isn't and that at any time he can reneg on that commitment...so now I am too faced with the fear that I could do the same.
now of course I know full well I am in control of myself and my feelings and actions but so were our spouses and most was...we call them aliens but I don't believe that...will I ever reach a point where I am content and trusting and fully vested once again in the r? or will I decide (intentionally or not) at some point that the pain however residual just isn't going away and I don't want to bear it any longer? not saying that is going to happen but what if?
ok ok I know deal with that when it comes, but what if it just sneaks up on me?
Quote: you are not at all full of crap...what you say is absolutley true...thing is h put another twist into it all by having his a and leaving.
The “crap” part is that by referring to the commonality of peoples’ situations, it glosses over the individual circumstances. And whether my thoughts on phases is valid or not, it doesn’t help you one little bit – unless it helps you to hang on with respect to the “will he ever wake up” part of your situation.
Quote: sad but I contiuosly see h traveling toward the r his mom and dad have...heck they don't actually live together but are not sep or d'd or even heading that way...she is always off doing her own thing and he is alone watching tv..calling here and there to find out where she is. sad and not the life I want and when I have asked h, it is not the life that he wants but I do feel us headed that way.
I see my W’s parents’ marriage the same way, and from the way W talks about it, it’s “normal.” So I understand what you’re saying perfectly. I’ve silently and ever so slowly started to reconcile myself to the fact that this may be what lies in store for me.
Quote: or will I decide (intentionally or not) at some point that the pain however residual just isn't going away and I don't want to bear it any longer? not saying that is going to happen but what if?
Yes, what if?
All I can say about that is that it’s something I’ve considered myself. As depressing as it sounds, I know from my own musings and from emails from a DB friend that parallel living may be the best available alternative. The problem with deciding that you can’t bear the pain any longer is that splitting doesn’t make the pain go away. In certain respects it’s worse. Financial considerations, and child rearing are two examples.
But that’s me, LL. I know others who have thrived after a split.
I know I don't always make sense and I know I'm not alone in how I feel about thing..but it seems most often that I have more in common with the waw then I do with the lbs? so go figure. yep this could be me, my first reaction when H dropped bomb was "oh so you beat me to it"
I do love my h, though I no longer know what kind of love it is...would I be devistated as a w should if something were to happen to him? did I have that same question in my mind before all this? maybe part of me was already headed that way while other parts of me fought it off...now the fight has somewhat been taken out of me. I too catch myself wondering this - even as far as totting up what the life insurance would be. I think sometimes we all do this, like it would be a simpler way out. Of course it wouldn't and we would be devastated probably more than we know right now. Suddenly the crap would disappear and we would remember the good guy we fell in love with. Living together is tough, raising kids is tough, the crap piles on top of us and we can't see clearly to the care-free loved one that used to focus straight on us.
Quote: All I can say about that is that it’s something I’ve considered myself. As depressing as it sounds, I know from my own musings and from emails from a DB friend that parallel living may be the best available alternative. The problem with deciding that you can’t bear the pain any longer is that splitting doesn’t make the pain go away. In certain respects it’s worse. Financial considerations, and child rearing are two examples.
I have very often thought about parallel living, under separate roofs. I don't mean separated like we were but somehow (if we had the finances) going back to being bf/gf with each other again by not living together. Not having to deal with each others ugly moods, days when we don't feel like much company, blah blah. Just save the nice stuff for each other, and come to some sort of amicable arrangement about childcare etc. I even raised this with H a couple of times, way before the bomb, but he thought it was a coded way of saying I wanted out. It's just annoying and frustrating being under the same roof with someone who isn't "there".
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
What you muse over, I am living. My H and I live in separate places. I am in our home and he is in a one bedroom apt. We are fortunate that we can afford it. We have one son (17) at home. He has seen his Father come home twice and leave again. He loves his Father very much but he says he cannot stand the drama of it all again. We are honoring his wishes now in hopes that he will change his mind in time. He has been through alot, and I do not want his last yr at home to be more dramatic than what he's been through. Right now his Dad and I are together-just not living together. Trust. That's an issue. I have to figure it out as I go. Some days are worse than others. We get along good. We are a family in every way except him coming home with me at night to sleep. We are together all the time with our kids and grandkids and we sometimes have just an "us" night. For us, it's working. Do I want to live the rest of my life like this? Absolutely not. He is in agreement with that. We are taking a week vacation with our S to go see our oldest son. I think it will help yongest S except our R better. You guys are voicing all the rough stuff we all feel. How do we get through it? One day at a time. Rachael
ya know, sometimes when I see annonomous viewiers I wonder if it may be h using the puter at the office?
can't picture him being snoopy and reading like that but one can wish right?
na, he's probably just checking the weather...I would prefer he be on his way home and NOT on the net..(I can tell when he goes on line cause he bumps me off the other browser...same account...ah but hey that's another good thing...same acount therefore I know when he goes on line and therefore is at the office)
It's hard to wipe those thought from our minds isn't it? I think you just gotta keep pushing them out as best you can when they pop in. Sure can't hurt to look like dynamite when he picks you up! What is this appt. for? I must have missed that part. Rachael
Quote: What is this appt. for? I must have missed that part.
had a problem with one of my eyes a few months back...the outward issues around it have resolved but I have to go in occassionally (like monthly) so they can look inside my eye and see if the "cause" is gone...
hopefully it's gone..but I have a feeling it's still there just not bothering to flare up.
