Quote: If he truely had awaken LL, he would be making sure he is putting body and soul into those words every day.
I don't know why your H reverted back, but the fact that the light did go on, if only briefly, holds promise that he is capable of "getting it" for good one day.
I don't know if I will ever be able to convince you that this momentous revelation lies ahead in your H's future and I say this because I see alot of your H in the person I use to be, but I hope you would at least consider its a possibility and is worthy of keeping the door open to it. If you are willing to accept that "yes, one day this can happen", then your continued efforts should focus on working towards waiting for him on the "other" side, so you have a chance at being in sync.
I feel such a sense of tragedy that I took so long to "get it" that CAW had already abandoned "us" when I did arrive ... and now I'm starting to feel it has become too late for CAW to ever come back. I just don't wish to see you go down that road too.
been waiting a long time KAW...I knew it was in him...knew that work kept it at bay...waited and waited...my hope is for more consitantcy from him in this regard (hey after all he did suggest dinner out with the kids last sat night..and when that attempt was a fluke suggested breakfast out sun morning and even if that was all just out of guilt for going to the game sun night that's ok by me.)
but what if again while I'm waiting for him to have more time for me and the kids, he again finds someone else more worth giving the time to?????
not pitty party..not waw mode...not fear...just LL's typical "what if" way of looking at life. and not at all thinking he will do that again..but "what if"
In many ways, I look at you and see my W 10 years ago. I look at your H and see me. Seems like KAW sees it too:
Quote: At first we seem as were paying attention to our interests we were in sync and so we seemed to bond very closely. Then our interests began to shift and we no longer saw eye to eye as much and even our actions in M became out of whack. When she wanted to put effort on "fixing" on M, I didn't think there was anything needed fixing. (Sound familiar?) I tried to give her some concessions on what she wanted, but because I didn't see them as important, I really didn't put my heart into it and eventually she just gave up. Then the tide shifted again and as she developed other interest, then I began to want to put attention into "us". Short version, LL ... years later we're still out of sync.
Ten years ago, I thought that my life was as balanced as it could be, considering the circumstances. I worked hard. I didn’t spend much time doing things for myself, but I did what I thought I had time and energy for. We didn’t have much money and no family nearby, so we did very little as a couple and only marginally more as a family. My W worked hard too. I don’t have to tell you that being a stay-at-home mom is hard work. I don’t have to tell you how much it takes over your life.
So there we were. Two people struggling against the flow. Trying to keep our individuality, trying to keep our love alive, and trying to build the best possible world for our children.
All the while, I thought we were doing a good job of keeping all of this in balance. I thought that our love for each other would see us through anything. My W thought so too. Neither of us could imagine how wrong this would turn out to be.
Love isn’t enough, LL. My W was the first to see it. I was still living in a world where I could endure any hardship out in the world, and come home to the loving arms of my wife. I had no inkling that the love I had come to depend on was withering away.
I think your H loves you and you love him. Your H feels secure enough that he doesn’t (can’t?) see what’s happening. Despite what seems blatantly obvious to you, he doesn’t see how your love for him is dying. He sees glimpses of it, and he sees glimpses of what he’s missing out on with respect to his children. But “the world” (work, stress, whatever…) obscures what’s happening. From his perspective, he has to slog on, and so do you. As KAW put it, he makes concessions, but his heart isn’t into it.
My father used to tell me I was a workaholic. I didn’t buy it. I was the sole breadwinner for a family of six, in a world of dual income families. I didn’t have much energy for anything else. Or did I? Now that my wife no longer loves me, I’m doing more to help her than I ever did. My workload is worse than ever, and I’m as tired as ever. I don’t even have the motivation of love to do it. So, looking back on it, I had set the bar too low for myself ten years ago, and out of misguided respect for my wife, I had set the bar too high for her.
Had KAW and I known then what we know now, we’d both still be in that magical world that we thought we were in. If I were posting to your H, I would urge him to set the bar a little higher. I would urge him to push himself beyond the limits he imposes on himself, because he is capable of much more than he thinks.
But even if I could speak directly to him, he probably wouldn’t hear it. My words would sound as false as those of my father.
I don’t like to post philosophical babble without offering some sort if idea on how to use it. Though I agree with KAW’s analysis of phases and such, we could both be wrong and even if we’re correct, there’s no way of telling how long this “phase” will last. Some phases last forever, so I really don’t have anything concrete to suggest to you.
Ahhhh this was me! I thought I was doing plenty, am still doing plenty plus more, I'm still tired, but I'm happy and will continue to raise the bar..for myself.
Quote: I had set the bar too high for her.
Replace "her" with "him" and we've got a winner!!
My H was doing the best that H could, but I WANTED H to do MORE I wanted H's bar to be higher so I kept pushing and pushing, then I gave up and instead of making myself stronger, told myself I couldn't and died inside. H couldn't touch mine--mine was off limits. Or maybe we were just keeping track of who's bar was higher...
you are not at all full of crap...what you say is absolutley true...thing is h put another twist into it all by having his a and leaving. Sure he had some realization and came home (what was his realization? well he always put the children and I first and therefore realized he must love me and therefore couldn't be with another) so now I am not only dealing with the "typical" flowing of the tides I am dealing with the fact that perhaps h in some way feels he belongs in another ocean. I've sat on the beach waiting for the waves to crash in and let them skim over my feet and on occassion the tide would cover me...h had decided he didn't want it to be me as the sand but rather another.
I know I don't always make sense and I know I'm not alone in how I feel about thing..but it seems most often that I have more in common with the waw then I do with the lbs? so go figure.
I do love my h, though I no longer know what kind of love it is...would I be devistated as a w should if something were to happen to him? did I have that same question in my mind before all this? maybe part of me was already headed that way while other parts of me fought it off...now the fight has somewhat been taken out of me.
I believe I love my h and on some level I believe he loves me...does he now love me "as a man should love a woman"? again I don't know. Perhaps through all of this he has gained more love for me.
these were my fears...
when I married h I knew he was basically a workaholic...I had thought before even having kids that he will eventually "wake up" and want a "life" but by then I will be absorbed in the kids lives so he may seek antoher...
because I never really did loose myself completely into my kids worlds, I tried to convince myself that h was just a workaholic and that he was doing it for our benifit. I would defend him when people (his brother and future sil) would get down on him, but I was being duped...h did want more out of life than work and football just not with me.
So now he's back and I find myself often wondering if he's still missing something? does he still want more or are we enough?
so damn confusing.
my current fear...
that though it seems things are good (or actually it seems as if I'm doing a better job of defending him not only to others but also to myself) they aren't all that different than they were before. Each time I sit and think...hey this is great he's helping me...I recall him doing the same back then...does it discount his effort? no I just tell myself to stop it. but for how long can I tell myself to stop it? will I always be telling myself to hush and be happy? what if in telling myself this is good, he is good, he is a hard worker and laid back guy...I am lying to myself? after all I must have been lying to myself before right?
or what if h has learned but still just doesn't HAVE the time or ability (he did make the time for ow though?) and eventually I just don't want to lie anymore. Am I even lying to myself at all? or maybe I just wont care anymore when he finally does have the time (I already feel it happening...I'm not so interested to go out with him or away with him...but usually do end up enjoying myself most of the time so I keep going) and will just continue to go and do my own thing and live my own life...
sad but I contiuosly see h traveling toward the r his mom and dad have...heck they don't actually live together but are not sep or d'd or even heading that way...she is always off doing her own thing and he is alone watching tv..calling here and there to find out where she is. sad and not the life I want and when I have asked h, it is not the life that he wants but I do feel us headed that way.
honestly for all I know he could be out to lunch with ow right now? I never knew then so how would I know now?
You don't LL. You don't know. We can never really know. I'm in the same boat except I love my H very much and want our M to work. I'd have been LONG gone by now if I didn't. I have to figure out if I can live with the not knowing. They say it gets easier-that trust comes in time. Right now, that's what I'm banking on. Rachael
ppppbbbblllllttttt!! right back at ya! 
