Puppy Advice

[steady]

It sounds like you guys are legally separated. I live in NY, and a legal separation allows for dating with no 'adultery' repercussions.

This is how I interpret your position:

If you are worried if you're actions will push your H away or bring him closer to you then you aren't contemplating a date from a healthy position.

When you are ready to date, you will date because it's what YOU want to do and you won't be thinking about the effect it will have on your sitch.

I've dated some. I did it because I felt like doing it. I didn't care whether my W found out or not. If she would have asked I would have answered her honestly. I'm not looking for any serious R and I went out to have fun. I made that known to the other person. They're grown ups, they can decide for themselves if they wanted to go out based on the truth I told them.

Now for caveat - be careful if you're wanting to date in order to find someone to help you get 'over' your H. Using another person to heal the pain is one way to make it all even worse. You need to process through this sitch and doing so will give you lessons and wisdom you can't even imagine right now. To use anything as a form of bypassing will only hurt you in the long run.

I would imagine the reason you are rationalizing like a wayward is because inside you know you aren't doing it for the right reasons. It's the same for the wayward - that's why they rationalize - to override their conscience.

[DumpedforMIL]

When you are ready to date, you will date because it's what YOU want to do and you won't be thinking about the effect it will have on your sitch.

the thing is, when it all happened (everything leading up to the big question of "would you like to go out on saturday?") .. i wasn't thinking about my h at all. i didn't think about whether i should tell him or not. i didn't think about getting him back. i didn't think about what reaction i was going to get. i wasn't trying for a reaction.

like you, if he found out and asked, i would be honest about it. but i wasn't going to go out of my way to let him know.

i have to admit though - it's very flattering. ever since i started playing squash more often, the feel good endorphins (sp?) took over and i started smiling again. i got a life. i made new friends. and a cute pair of lululemon shorts didn't hurt. my happy playful good girl nature is what got me into this dating dilemma.

I made that known to the other person. They're grown ups, they can decide for themselves if they wanted to go out based on the truth I told them.

i need to learn to be clear on this. i said i was going through a separation/divorce at the moment. and i ended it like that. i figure (and this is bad mind-reading) that the person would know that they are dealing with a woman who is still legally married.

I would imagine the reason you are rationalizing like a wayward is because inside you know you aren't doing it for the right reasons. It's the same for the wayward - that's why they rationalize - to override their conscience.

my goal throughout has been to do the right thing - in the end, i have to live with my decisions. i don't want to say things like "well, he was cheating me so it's okay for me to date". i have no proof. and if he was cheating on me or dating someone and didn't tell me .. it still doesn't make it okay for me to do that as well. if h wants to do that, that's him. that's so jr. high. that's not me. i want to hold myself to a higher standard than that.

that's for snapping me out of it.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

will only say that emotionally, you still sound a little "off your game," and I would tend to discourage it, as i would worry you'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. I ultimately DID decide to date -- after vociferously objecting to my wife's idea of doing it! -- after my wife and I briefly separated. And all it took was one date -- heck, one RUMOR of a date - -and my wife responded VERY forcefully, and we reconciled.

I decided only since we were separated, and only if I told my wife honestly of my intentions.

Be careful playing with fire ... cuz it WILL work.

Puppy

Puppy,
My W found out I was on a dating site, she even had her friend read my profile.
During our Meeting in May she brought it up, saying I was just doing it to "put it in her face".

I told her I did it for me not to have any affect on her.

I did remove my profile B/c I have been enjoying time with a good lady. This was part of me GALing.

My W is still as cold towards me today as she was 3 months ago.

I'm sure she knows I have gone out on dates but says nothing.

I think she has made her mind up and won't ever change.

My decisions don't involve what she may or may not think.
I'm doing things b/c I want to do them.

Is there anything else that might get her attention?

It's funny how the LBS makes changes the WAS alsways wanted to see. I think it pisses them off to see us making changes and enjoying ourselves.

[DumpedforMIL]

gr8,

I'm sure she knows I have gone out on dates but says nothing.

I think she has made her mind up and won't ever change.

mind-reading. and does it matter?

My W is still as cold towards me today as she was 3 months ago

My decisions don't involve what she may or may not think.
I'm doing things b/c I want to do them.

those two lines contradict what you're saying.
it sounds like it bothers you that after 3 months she's still cold towards you.
yet, you say that your decision doesn't involve what she may or may not thing. really?

Is there anything else that might get her attention?

again, if you weren't looking for a reaction, then you wouldn't be asking this question.

It's funny how the LBS makes changes the WAS alsways wanted to see. I think it pisses them off to see us making changes and enjoying ourselves.

mind-reading is a dangerous thing.
don't take pleasure in the WAS getting pissed off over your changes. that's not the goal.
i understand now that you don't do things to get a reaction from your spouse.

gr8, you haven't fully detached yet .. have you?

[DumpedforMIL]

i should add that it felt wrong because i felt guilty that during the entire time, i didn't think about my h or my m. that's what made me feel terrible. i should be thinking about my m and my h ..

and i don't know if it's detachment or becoming a wayward. it's a very confusing thing for me.

but pdt's explanation is spot on.

[TimeHeals]

i should add that it felt wrong because i felt guilty that during the entire time, i didn't think about my h or my m. that's what made me feel terrible. i should be thinking about my m and my h ..

BS. I can not think of my STBXW and M just hanging out with friends or relatives or even when busy at work.

AND I don't feel guilty about it.

Now who exactly do you think you are fooling? Me? PDT? Coach? Rob?


You felt guilty because you are still married and still emotionally attached to your H.

And if that ain't true, I'll eat a bug!

[steady]

i should add that it felt wrong because i felt guilty that during the entire time, i didn't think about my h or my m. that's what made me feel terrible. i should be thinking about my m and my h ..

I laugh every time someone shoulds on themselves. The fact is this: you didn't think about your M or H during the entire time. So that's good - you got a mental break from it all. An ego boost for yourself that you still 'got it', some smiles and laughs. Nothing wrong with it at all.

and i don't know if it's detachment or becoming a wayward. it's a very confusing thing for me.

but pdt's explanation is spot on.

It could just be distraction. Sometimes we need that in order to get a perspective on our life. These sitch's can become all consuming and terribly draining. We have to remember there's a life outside of all the drama.

Stop over-analyzing it. Do you think you deserve to go on a date or not? Is it something you want to do? It doesn't mean you have to get into a full blown R or anything else.

Stop trying to justify/un-justify. :-)

[DumpedforMIL]

pdt is right. i'm not ready for this yet.
met up for late afternoon coffee today - business meeting. this would have decided if the date was on for tomorrow.
i can tell you - there won't be a follow up.
i did not cross the line and i kept it professional.
at the end of the meeting, we parted ways. did not even shake hands.

i'm officially out. i learned my lesson. i hope no harm was done.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Attagirl.

[steady]

So there you go. You did what you needed to do. Good for you.