Am posting in this forum because it's time. Thanks to everyone who has helped me and offered advice... it has all been much appreciated.
I am trying to think this isn't a failure but something I need to do for me. H chose to cancel our MC w/o telling me & said I can't give him what he needs so it's time to let go.
Dropping the rope indefinitely.
I plan on seeing a L as soon as my finals end for the summer semester since I'm bogged down w/ studies and work right now.
H for some reason doesn't want me to involve a L or this to go to court which I can't understand since he has his own L who inititally sent me his petition for D.
School has been so hard for me. I can't seem to make myself read or study. I don't want to give up or make bad grades but I having such a time with it. Hope your school goes good for you and is doing better than mine.
Sol, sorry to see you here but sounds like you're at peace with it. You tried, you hung in there, you gave it your best and it's time to let go.
You're young and don't have kids so that's a good thing in these situations. You may want to read brenalim's thread here in this section since she too is in a similar sitch as you.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Best of luck to you through the process. I wonder maybe he doesn't want you to have a lawyer or go to court so it can be more 'painless' for him? Well, you need to do what is right for YOU and not what makes life easier for him. I had the opposite, mine wanted out, there was 'nothing I could do the spark was gone'...but he got no lawyer so I had to do it all.
Since you and I have a close timeline, I know early on we both had hope to save our Ms.
As time went on and learning so much from this site and about Relationships, we come to the realization that we may not be able to save our Ms.
I truely understand that DBing successfully means one of two things: Your able to save your M OR, and more importantly, you are able to save yourself and improve yourself for a healthy R when the time comes again.
It's like a diet. Diets only work when you make them a life style. The same goes for R. Changes we make must be life lasting.
I hope you are proud of the work you did. I'm sure some deserving man will appreciate you.
gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
You know, it's funny, going through this "Surviving the Big D" forum the other day after I posted, I was surprised (and in a way humbled) about how many of you I used to see over at Newcomers along with me and reading your life stories, etc. and how so many of us are here now. It's funny. I never thought I'd be in this thread but well, here I am and it's ilke, I don't feel like I am dying. LOL.
Originally Posted By: par4me
School has been so hard for me. I can't seem to make myself read or study. I don't want to give up or make bad grades but I having such a time with it. Hope your school goes good for you and is doing better than mine.
School has had it's moments for me. The night H told me he'd had his greencard for months now and that he'd had sex with the random club chick was the night before one of my huge exams. I failed it. But the next day, I turned my phone off and re-took that test. I passed. Whew. Just focus. If you are down, tune it out. Dedicate a time for it and think about nothing else during that time. But I hear you!
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo
You may want to read brenalim's thread here in this section since she too is in a similar sitch as you.
Thanks, Romeo. I did take a look at her thread and it's very similar. I think in a way I am at peace because it's like a calm has washed over me. I definitely have times where I want to and do cry but when I told him over the phone that this wasn't working it's like I couldn't even believe the words were coming out of my mouth. Like someone else was saying it. It was weird but good.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
Well, you need to do what is right for YOU and not what makes life easier for him. .
That does sound frustrating about your H, wanting out and making you do all the dirty work. Grrr. Yeah I told H I will review everything cause now it's time to protect myself and then I will get back to him on it.
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
I TOTALLY understand you. I hope you are proud of the work you did. I'm sure some deserving man will appreciate you.
It is really nice to hear things like that, someone who can relate! All of us here! You guys have been such a great support system. As for other men, that's not even on my radar, maybe some day but not anywhere in the near future. I just can't imagine going on a date. After 7 years I think I would like to spend a long time by myself. I can't even remember what that felt like. On Sunday I went to a wedding with my date--my sister! LOL. And we had so much fun!
H called me last night and said he wanted to talk to me and how this is so hard b/c he knows we both love eachother, etc. but (words, words, words). I agreed with him completely and said, "I know and this is why it's time to move on."
It's so weird hearing myself say these words, guys! I never thought I could ever say that to him! It's kinda like a trippy experience! I kept asking God to give me a sign, something, over and over and over again on whether to stay or go. And on the phone that day with him last week when I said, "It's prob best that we go our separate ways" when it didn't feel like it was me saying it, but the words were just coming out of my mouth so calmly and effortlessly, I think that was the moment.
Crazy.
H apologized to me last night. He said he was SORRY (a word I've seldom ever heard escape his mouth) about one night when he got out of bed, came up to me in our living room (I was reading) and started screaming at me at the top of his lungs for no reason and told me he didn't love me, that he was going to find someone else to f--- , why was I reading, that I was so many bad things. This episode went on for at least 20 minutes. I went to put my hand on him and he told me not to touch him, to leave him alone. That killed my heart at the time. I missed work the next day.
I told him thank you for apologizing. That was two years ago. And I'm thinking, Why are you sorry now? But no matter, better late than never right?
It's weird, all of this but I have finally accepted this. And it feels relieving in a way.
said I can't give him what he needs ---------------------------------- honey, you are not separating fast enough, he sounds selfish and someone who doesn't have the spine to work on a M with all his heart, he only thinks of himself and his needs, he can go fly a kite, you don't need such a looser.
About the L, as if! he has no right to tell you what to do, you can get screwed up big time if you don't consult at least ONE time, I didnt' retain a L, our D was mutual to avoid court costs, but I still had 2 consultations, one to see that I was asking what I should've, and a last one to check all the paperwork. So forget him and get a L to review the terms of D, i'm glad I did, it saved me big time and my L brought up issues I hadn't even began to think about.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I have an appointment to see a L as soon as the semester ends. H wants to keep our original settlement agreement, (he gets the house, I get the furniture, both responsible for our own insurance and bills). I am honestly thinking of just signing over the house to him, and keeping that agreement because I dont want to have to contest everything. Honestly I don't even want the furniture or our bed. It's a reminder of him. You know? answerPlus I know if I contest anything he wrote, it is more $$$ I have to pay and I really don't want to. About 1.5 month ago he started going to get his teeth fixed at my dentists' with my dental insurance (cause he's still on it and not insured. Dentist called me yesterday re: one of his appts. I didn't even answer. It's weird but at the end of all of this, he ended up with everything: his greencard, our house (has his cousin living there too), etc. Maybe this is what he always wanted. I feel like I have nothing. He makes so much $ and never even wanted to have a bank account with me. I just start thinking about everything and it sucks. I do wish him well but it's like it's time to get out of the vaccuum, you know?
We went on vacation together about 2.5 weeks ago to the Caribbean. Spent our wedding anniversary there. On that morning I said, It's our anniversary (wedding) and he goes, Yeah, I guess it is. Later I asked him what he htought about everything and he said he "didn't know." I said I would miss sleeping with him and he said "We'll see." Huh? Okaaay. Anyway, when we got home, about a week later was when I told him that it's better we split. I can't stay like this.
It's a reminder of him. You know? About 1.5 month ago he started going to get his teeth fixed at my dentists' with my dental insurance (cause he's still on it and not insured). Dentist called me yesterday re: one of his appts. I didn't even answer.
Sol, my advice on the financials...fight for what's important to you. Do what is right for you. And don't be a martyr!
My story is the exact opposite in that dept. My STBXW never contributed towards our together savings etc. She filed when she was unemployed then took me to court to get max $ for temporary support. She's the one leaving but feels entitled to everything and it's going to be a fight all the way to the end.
The WAS's are just selfish and only think about themselves. So if the house is important to you then don't just let him have it, negotiate it! he can keep the house if he pays you $xyz amount. And you don't want his stinking furniture...you can buy your own with the $$ he'll pony up. Insurance and bills separtely are fine as long as there's no major debt which there probably isn't. Same for cars IMHO.
Think about it, take your time and definitely consult a L.
((hugs))
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
You know, it's funny, going through this "Surviving the Big D" forum the other day after I posted, I was surprised (and in a way humbled) about how many of you I used to see over at Newcomers along with me and reading your life stories, etc. and how so many of us are here now. It's funny. I never thought I'd be in this thread but well, here I am and it's ilke, I don't feel like I am dying. LOL.
Quote:
My thoughts exactly. But it's nice that even though we here know our M wont work, we still come to posts our updates.
Many folks who don't save their Ms just fade away.
I think this is a great forum with so much knowledge. I will continue to come here and try to help others who now walk where we came from. (((soleil)))
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
