Puppy Advice

[gr8 day 2B alive]

would it be unfair if the person expected the same of you?

Absolutely not. those are my values and what I will give to my partner.

I understand no one will be perfect.

does it put the pressure on the other person to do/be the same

This wouldn't work b/c that's not who person is.

I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I know who I am, I know what I'm looking for and I am understanding that no one is perfect. Choose the values that are most important to you and I'm sure you will find someone.

nobody will approach you .. thinking that you are not in their league. you end up lonely anyway.

What I described, women wouldn't know that until we went out a few times.

Some times I go out by myself for a bite to eat and watch a game. I mind my business but I'm friendly to whomever sit near me, men or women. It's just my nature to be friendly. I am a very approachable person, maybe women feel I'm not but that's not me. They must have a confidence issue.

Nothing ventured nothing gained. Yo ucan sit back and wait for something or you can be proactive.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Let me add one more thing.
Confidence is attractive for both men and women. Cockiness is not. Their is a fine line between the two but you'll know the difference when your faced with it.

That was part of my first point- not caring what others think about how they should be.

You have to feel good about yourself if you want someone else to care for you.

This is why they say it here so much.

[Ready2Change]

gucci, pdt - could you give me some pointers on what makes a woman attractive to any man? there's a lot of advice about what makes a man attractive or unattractive. but what about for a woman?

In general, physical appearance are what initially attracts. As time goes on other traits.....

I suggest reading these books, in this order:

Flirting

Why men marry "Assertive" Women

Seduction

[DumpedforMIL]

it's that fine line between confidence and cockiness that is tough.

so far, the advice gives me enough to go on.
much of this has to come across naturally and not forced.
and if that is who you are, it will come across naturally.

i'm working on my confidence. it doesn't matter how i look, the lack of confidence would kill the appearance.

btw, a little mystery doesn't hurt either, right?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

btw, a little mystery doesn't hurt either, right?

Now you're adding the X factor. Works well, It makes us men say "There's something about her that I can't quite figure out"

[steady]

why would you think dropping the rope would work in my sitch?
esp if i know that he's indecisive and tends to deflect the blame on to me.

It's not about dropping the rope so the WAS comes back. It can have that affect, but if you do it for that reason then you're just using another manipulation/control technique.

Dropping the rope is something which an emotionally healthy individual does when faced with a R with someone who does not want to be with them. People aren't possessions. They aren't ours to push and control in one direction or another. One of the common threads I see on this board is most of us are codependent and have an unhealthy and distorted sense of R. I once created a post asking how many people came from alcoholic homes and quickly got quite a few responses.

Dropping the rope is healthy for YOU. When you use it as a tactic to get something you want it will probably backfire. Just my opinion based on my own experience with attempting to control people/places/things.

you and gucci don't believe he left me for his parents.
but all he does now is call his parents, take vacations with his parents, flies home to see his parents.
he calls them every day. anything that he is unsure of, he calls them. it got worse and worse as the months went on.

did he leave me for them? i don't know what else to believe - hence me asking why you or gucci disagree. i'm not looking for a debate. i'm just looking for another perspective.

I have a different perspective. He jumped from one caregiver/decision maker to another. Based on the information you wrote above it seems your husband relied on you to make the decisions. You grew to resent this. When you were no longer his decision maker he went back to the source of his problem - his original decision makers...probably his mommy.

I imagine his mother has control issues and if she's anything like my mom was, she has a my way or the highway kind of mentality. No matter what he did there was criticism. It got to the point where it was just safer and easier to just let her make the decisions for him. So now she's playing her role, and he's playing his. His original definition of 'Love'.

I would also imagine you have a control issue also. Let me backfill you on my dynamics with my W. My dad was very laid back to the point where he didn't like conflict. My mom had the 'if only people did things my way' the world would be just fine mentality - albeit subconsciously. She would never admit this nor do I think she could actually see it.

My mother was the decision maker. As long as you did what was in line with what she thought was right all was good. When you didn't, you'd get hit with passive aggressive treatment. Silent treatment, attitude, etc... After a few days she would act like everything was just fine. Nothing was ever dealt with. She was very critical and it didn't matter how much good you did she would always zero in on the 'bad'. She once told me when I was making some big internal improvements - "You're doing ok. You're at about 80%"...lol. 80% of what??

When my parents would argue my mom would be the more aggressive one and my dad would retreat to the basement and drink. Grinding his teeth and mumbling under his breath. He was a great guy and everyone loved him but he didn't have a healthy and clear definition of self respect.

Fast forward some decades later and I married a woman who was just like my mother. At first the playing field was level. Over time my W's control issues, her 'she can do no wrong and I could do no right' issue eroded my self respect and self worth.

It was just easier not to fight back. Of course this created a hug rift and resentment from both sides. My W also hyper-critical and she also focused on the parts that were not done the way she thought they should be. Her mother was/is the same exact way. We learn our patterns from our parents. Those patterns stick until we see them and change them - if that's what we decide to do.

One day I realized I was just like my dad. I decided to change that. When I started standing up for myself things got worse. The more I pushed the harder she pushed back. I can clearly see our issues together were like throwing gasoline on a fire.

When I read your post above where you talk about catastrophizing - our first therapist told my W she was a catastrophizer. Of course after that we stopped going to her. My W is incapable at this point in her life of looking at and accepting her issues which contributed to the erosion of our M.

One thing that I remember saying over and over in my M was this - "Can't we go more than a week or two without you finding something to criticize about me?"

You're looking for definitions - what makes a woman attractive, what's the line between confident and bitchy, etc...

Take a closer look at your R dynamics. A brutally honest assessment. Be careful of rationalizations - "I did it that way because he....."; filter those out. When you can do that you'll see the answers to some of your questions.

I'll give you an example: My H never makes decisions. I hate that in him. "I make all the decisions because he...." Is it possible there was a time when he did make decisions? When he did, they weren't the 'right' decisions based on what you thought should be done, the criticism was delivered, his low self image took a hit, he felt like cr@p, got to the point where it was just easier to defer to you rather than feel that feeling of being small and inadequate (I'm not talking about his Johnson here).

Just my dollar fifty. (post is way too long to only be called 2 cents)

[DumpedforMIL]

steady,
that was $50 well spent.

i think in a healthy relationship, there is some level of codependency and control. otherwise, two people shouldn't be together. it is when the codependency and control takes over the relationship, then that becomes unhealthy.

i was quite careful about exerting control and codependency. i worked mainly on myself - controling my own spending, putting my m and h first, etc. then i let my personal/deeper issues get the best of me and it ruined my m.

so i know how i contributed to the breakdown of my m. i've been here long enough and worked with the vets on that part.

i don't know if you can say that allowing someone else to be the decision maker and you be the follower is a definition of love. where is the love reciprocated in that?

anyway, i've done a bit of work on my own sitch and self-reflection on what has happened. i just wanted to know what i would need to work on to attract someone in the dating world. i've never been in the dating pool before so this is new to me and i'm in my late thirties.

thanks for your response though.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Dumped,

Once I found out my W went away n vacation and "hooked" up with someone I decided I would no longer accept her back. That was/and is a deal breaker for me. Infidelity is black/white for me.

Anyway, a friend suggested I join a dating website, I was reluncted(?) at first but a month later I did. I went out with 3 women. One I conracted and two whom contacted me.
The one I contacted didn't make eye contact with me so I chose not to see her again. Maybe she was nervous but that showed me a lack of confidence.

Now the two who contacted me, one was 34 and the other 49, I'm 39. Both very attractive (to me, :)). The younger W was agressive, I enjoyed that, she had confidence and wasn't imbarrassed to talk about ANYTHING.
The older W made me laugh and was out going too. I choose to see again bacause she was naturally a nice person and understood the dynamics of a relationship.

So I wouldn't worry about being on your late thirties, that has nothing to do with it.

Be happy for who you are. Ignore the criticism and you will do just fine.

Did you listen to the link in my tagline???
It helps me.

[DumpedforMIL]

Strong men are men of much ACTION, and very few WORDS. And it is a tenet of DB to not TALK about your changes, but to live them out, quietly and confidently, in front of the runaway spouse....She's not looking for a chick best friend -- she's looking for a husband who will make a strong, principled stand to fight for his marriage, in my opinion.

i actually wanted to know the reverse of this. instead of asking what makes a woman attractive to a man .. this is the question that has been weighing on my mind.

the runaway wife wants a husband who will make a strong, principled stand to fight for his marriage. how does a man fight for his marriage yet still be detached?

what does the runaway husband want from his wife? there is a lot of advice to the men about showing emotional strength and standing up for his marriage. but the only advice i've seen to lbw is to stop whining, let go, and show him the door.

it just seems like the husbands are sending the message of "i'm not giving up on you".
and the left behind wives are saying "just leave, if that's what you want."

i've read more threads about how the men are getting their runaway wives to turn around. and nothing on the wives getting their runaway husbands to turn around.

why is that?

[gucci loafer]

the runaway wife wants a husband who will make a strong, principled stand to fight for his marriage. how does a man fight for his marriage yet still be detached?

Actually this is not true. That isn't what reality says.

The runaway wife RUNS from men who stand and fight for their marriage. Or haven't you been observing and analyzing the men on this site. Those who do the most fighting "for" it are the least likely to succeed. It is those who "let the woman" go and STOP fighting for it that see her finally come around.