My Wife is Having an Affair with Co-Worker

[wanttobebetter]

Yes...they will hunt from OM to OM if need be. Anything to get a new "fix" and to not have to face the consequences of her own actions. That is what mine did and how she explained it to me.

[LSG]

Wanttobebetter,

Really? How does this help them to not face the consequences of their actions?

Are you and your W still together? Did your W finally stop her affairs?

I will have to look for your sitch.

Thank you so much for explaining to me some of the reasons she is doing what she is doing.

[LSG]

About a week ago I told W about S praying for our family to stay together, and she thanked me for telling her that. This was at dinner, and we did not talk too much. I told her "your welcome", and that S did not want me to tell her. I told her S was probably not too happy with me because I told her. She said she was "sorry." I should have asked her why she is thanking me. A lost opportunity. I just don't want to talk with her really.

She also said that the Parents and Childern Together meeting that is for parents going to court appointed mediation was very useful. I should have asked her why she thought that, but I was avoiding talking to her that night. Another lost opportunity. I just would rather not talk to her. I did thank her for buying dinner. She did ask me to go.

How should I handle things in the future? I don't know what her expectations are. I guess I should engage her in some sort of conversation. Should I ask her "why" she thanked me for telling about son praying or the PACT meeting.

I would appreciate everyone's thoughts on this and what I should do in situations like this again. Could I ask her any questions that I did not last night?

Allen - Could you please give me your thoughts too. I have not heard from you in awhile. I see some chances if I do it right for the marriage. Slim, but some hope. I need a little hope again.

Thanks in advance everyone!

[SunnyD]

SunnyD,

So do you think that she feels bad about herself for the A? What is she escaping from?

Please explain a little more.

Thank you very much!

Well, I happen to believe that in each person doing this to their spouse they must feel some sense of guilt - of right and wrong - even though they justify their actions. (Must like a drug addict who knows what they're doing is wrong but can't stop themselves.) The escape is from her own misery - from the guilt - even though it is self-imposed. What she gets from the A is a temporary feeling of satisfaction/happiness.

[SunnyD]

As for the conversations, it is hard for me to say as this is something I am still working on myself. Everything I've heard has been not to discuss R with WAS unless they initiate. However, as my FT says, it doesn't hurt to plant seeds. A lengthy conversation when the WAS is not going to truly listen anyway does no good. You can't rationalize with an addict when they aren't looking to get clean! BUT, if you can say something to plant a seed without being emotional about it, maintaining your dignity, and it's from a position of confidence and self-respect, I think it is good to do so.

I'll give you an example that my FT thought I did a good job with:

A few weeks ago when H had initiated a R conversation, I mainly just listened and did not say much. I just looked at him matter of factly while he stated that he was not sure he would ever feel the same way about me. (I'm not saying it was easy - but I kept my poker face.) I replied to him that it was not surprising he would feel this way given his background and how easily and quickly his family members detach and run. I said it like a therapist would - not in an accusatory manner, not any commentary about it being unfortunate or sad - not a thing about how I felt... Then I turned to walk away and he replied, "that's true, actually."

The thing is, you can't allow yourself to get into conversations where you will lose your position of strength. YOU have to be the one with the answers and not get emotional.

[LSG]

Hi SunnyD,

How are you doing? I hope you are having a nice weekend.

I agree with your post. Maybe, I did plant a seed with S praying for our family to stay together. I am not sure. It did make some kind of impact I believe.

I need to make sure I do not give up anything for the M or the D. It is a fine line to walk. I am doing well I believe walking it these days. I am always considering what I say before I say it. I keep the emotions in check. It is better for me that way.


I feel good too.

[SunnyD]

Hi SunnyD,

How are you doing? I hope you are having a nice weekend.

I agree with your post. Maybe, I did plant a seed with S praying for our family to stay together. I am not sure. It did make some kind of impact I believe.

I need to make sure I do not give up anything for the M or the D. It is a fine line to walk. I am doing well I believe walking it these days. I am always considering what I say before I say it. I keep the emotions in check. It is better for me that way.


I feel good too.

Good! Glad to hear you are doing well and keeping a sense of focus! It doesn't mean emotions won't come, but at least you are keeping them in check. Just stay away from W if you are feeling too emotional. When I get that way I pray, read, email or phone a friend, or come here. It's great to have outlets and support!

I've had a decent weekend with some mixed feelings, but doing well. Thanks for asking! H and I are getting along fine and things are positive, but it feels like "friends" right now and not a spousal relationship, so it's weird. He left to go out of town for a few days and I'm glad, actually. I need the break from the weirdness!

[LSG]

Well, I found out that the OM is in Costa Rica with two of his sons, and he left the youngest one at home. He does nothing with youngest son.

I took kids with me most of the time this weekend, and STBXW just stay home in front of the computer. I did not pursue her to come with us. Kids asked a couple of times. They did not want to do much with her. She tried to cook alot this weekend. I guess because I don't have any money, so she has to.

We only have one car, so I told I needed to use it on Tuesday and Wednesday next week. I told her the kids would be taken care of by a friend of mine. She asked how are you going to pay for him to take care of them, and I told her don't worry about it. She was a little annoyed, and she looked mad about it.

It was a little strange because I do not have any of her money, so why was she worried about what I am doing. I dead broke, and I do not ask her for anything. She seemed so mad about this.

Oh well, I just don't get it.

There is very little communication between us. I do not know if I should try to talk with her a little more.

[LSG]

W wants to change our car insurance to her Federal Credit Union. She asked for the password this morning. I did not have a chance to tell her no because S woke up.

WTH, does she think that I am going to do anything for her right now. No way!

[SunnyD]

Good attitude, LSG!

As for her getting mad - it's just her trying to control the situation and keeping her position of power in the R.