No going back

[pie]

Hi There, I'm new to this part of the forum - I've just moved over from Midife Crisis Section, as I'm not 100% sure its a midlife crisis anymore, and thought it best to post here in the mean while - my sitch :

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2028231&page=1

and my last post :

Thank you everyone, I think what gets me is the having patience part, I'm not an overly patient person, if somethings not going as fast as I want it to go, I feel the need to get in there and speed it up a bit Which obviously I cant do I will be ordering the DR book this week - but its going to take 6 - 8 weeks to get here I think I have the gist of it, but any pointers in the meantime would be appreciated.

Yes, I DO want him back, but not the way things were. There would have to be changes. On his side and mine. I dont think we are incompatible, I havnt felt that for 12 years? And if he was feeling it he did a good job of hiding it

I think I should move onto the Newcomers forum section, as I'm not 100% sure this is MLC, although I was convinced to start - it might have been wishful thinking omn my part - I'm confused about it now becasue H seems happier now (3 months seperated), than hes been in 2 years I wish it was an act, but its a good one if it is.

I guess its natural to not like seeing someone so happy when you yourself feel hard done by

I want to be the bigger person in this, and for it to be water off a ducks back, but I'm a pisces, and a very emotional sensitive oneat that, I'm just not tough as nails, although thats what I'm portraying to H at the moment

Will copy and paste some of this into newcomers

Any thoughs and advice welcome

[KarenR]

Hi Pie,
Why do you need to wait 6-8 weeks to get Divorce Remedy. I can send one out to you today! Also, you can speak to a coach today or Tuesday! The coaches are the experts that can give you very specific pointers on what to do next. I look forward to talking to you.

[pie]

Hi Karen I cant use the credit card ,my H watches the accounts like a hawk.He'd be suspicious, so I have to order it from the local bookstore The one friend that I do confide all my woes to doesnt have a credit card, I thought of maybe asking my parents, and paying them back, they just have serious issues with using cards online..but maybe I should ask anyway. I also have a problem with my post box, and can only really recieve things counter to counter (post office collection) - would that be possible? I'm in South Africa..

As for my sitch. H came by last night to bath S4, we are pleasant and comfortable as usual. He mentioned that his apartment lease (lives 5 mins away) will come to an end. Ofcourse my heart flutters hoping to hear something along the lines of 'maybe I should move back' - didnt show an once of it to him though, just stayed neutral. Set myself up really, cause then he said he's going to start renting a house closer to his work (bigger), further away.

This made me a bit sad (didnt show it tho),just went with the flo. It means he'll probably see S4 less , and it means he's settling in to the new lifestyle of being with out me/us more comfortably, more sustainable.

He said he wanted more space, to be closer to work, and to the forest he mountain bikes in.

He's looking for a different life. A new lifestyle I think. A happier one.

I just dont see how someone can change their desires after 12 years together. Thats almost half my life weve been together...

I suppose I should be grateful its not 20 years or longer...

Only positive signs I've seen from him is, more kind acts towards me, spending more time with Son, not being as agitated/irritated.

I battle with what to do here, be friends or go dark. He obviously cares for me a great deal still, just not in love anymore, and he says he doesnt want to lose me.

HEEELPPPP!!!!

[pie]

Well, I'm feeling a bit better today for some reason. Just have a calm feeling, wish it was like this every day! I think that I should go with being friends with H for now. I just need to suck it up and be patient.

I've been thinking that he might be trying to 'bring interest' into our conversations- hes been trying to talk about music lately, and its taken me this long to realise, he initiated the talk about it. He's offered to bring some of his cds over for me to copy, and surely this is a good sign yes?

So I've sent him an email saying I'd love the cds whenever he gest a chance I think maybe I've been trying to distace myself too much, and he's been trying to initiate stuff, and I've been a bit doff abot it...duh!

Anyway we'll see where it takes things if I'm a little more 'engaged'

[pie]

Went out last night to see Eclipse ith the girls while H stayed home to watch S4. Felt nice to drool over some handsome young men Still feeling positive today, feeling better within myself

H looked exhausted when I got home, somedays he looks completely knackered, rubs his eyes yawning, really LOOKS completely exhausted, I think he's suffereing a bit with the stress of everything put together maybe.

Either that or it was a put on so that he can get home faster to OW if there is one Always at the back of my mind....refuse to be naive

But overall, feeling like I'm worthy of being loved, I'm a nice person, and he isnt the only fish in the sea. Which is weird becasue I havnt thought like this since we seperated. I hope this feeling of 'whatever' lasts....

[Barkley]

good for you pie.....keep the momentum going

[pie]

Well, its been a couple of days, and the whatever feeling is still there, BUT a new realization has popped up, in that I'll never be able to turn off the bond I have with him, that will always remain, BUT I can turn off the 'in love' bit, over time I think...I hope. At least thats what I'm reckoning for now.

Pick a stratedgy and stick with it hey?

Went out with my GF and her H and old school friend last night - its the fifa cup and old school friend(OSF) is engaged to uber weathy sportbetting british fellow, staying at one of the most opulent hotels in the country, and we went in to ogle at all the rich people, and check out their glitsy suite! hardy har!!

Tried my best to seem like I disnt come from only the mid upper class, not sure I convinced anyone! We did arrive in my BGF old beaten up Honda!!! We all had a good laugh about it tho, ours was the only beaten up honda amoungst rows and rows of porsches and mercedes!

Anyway it was a good night! This morning took S4 to a production of Jungle book at out nearby mall which he's been begging for.

He was more interested in his packet of peanuts than the scantily clad ,swinging-from-ropes ,jungle characters (with rippling muscles that mommy was staring at - oh dear, I'm only human, and havnt had sex in 4 months:) )

Anyway, H smsed me this morning at 7:30 asking if I was up and awake - he wanted to fetch his freinds bike out the garage. I said sure ofcourse, he wafted in all happy in his mountain biking clothes, and a new beanie on his head which I thought was the cutest thing I've seen, well him in it was anyway. I did say I thought it was super cute, with a naughty grin on my face...twice. I couldnt get over it, he just looked so cute. Anyway, he bounded out all happy, and off he went riding.

Said he was going to go get his boat at the river and bring it back and then come see S4 this eve, so that will probaly be just for bath and bed later. But have come to not expect anything nowadays

Anyway thats it for now. S4 has been a bit too much for me today, been in a testin g mood, and I find myself sitting here with a glass of red wine at 6pm!- although thats not very unusual nowadays!!

[pie]

Oh and it DID help being ogled at by some handsome rich men at the opulent Hotel. NOT that I am a gold digger in anyway - quite the opposite, but it doesnt hurt knowing that I was ogled at by these super well groomed handsome men!!!! A little confidence boost goes a long way!

[pie]

Well, he phoned quite late on Saturday night, asked if son was still awake, I said no - he was down already, and then he said he'd come and get him around 11am sunday. He's gone so cold again, doesnt seem to even want to be even friends at the moment:( I'm wondering if you can't OVER DBing, in that they think that if you seem so fine without them, they are angry with you for that? Dont know just a thought

H was a little late fecthing S yesterday, and I went off to a friends lunch at her house, with several other friends who I'm getting to know well now. Had a wonderful time! So nice to just sit back and relax a bit.

Just as I was leaving their place, H smsed to ask when I'd be home to take S, it was bad timing, didnt want to seem I was going home JUST as he was asking when I'd be home, so drove around for 10 minutes, before smsing, but was too tired to just carry on driving, so gave in and smsed that I was just leaving.

I know he took note, cause when he brought S over, he asked if everyone had left when I left , I said yes...made joke about when the wine ran out everyone went home. He laughed. He only stayed for 10 mins, and then left for a 'haircut', but his hair is short so not sure if it was a cover story

Feeling blue again today. Hate being treated as if I'm insignificant, and not worth hanging around for more than 10 minutes Makes me feel like theres something wrong with me

Looked at our horoscopes - him scorpio, and me pisces, and saw that 2010 and 2011 was basically endings and beginings for us I am to expect the end of something, and not to hang onto it if its dead, and he's to expect endings and new beginnings

So sad today

[pie]

Thanks Barkley! I'm trying hard, somedays its a bit hard tho Today being one

I know to expect ups and downs with my emotions tho!

I read some of DB a while ago, a freinds copy, but she went back overseas with it, and I really need my own copy to keep things fresh in my head.

Will be visiting my parents out of town in 2 weeks and will be orderng the book from there yay!