Thank you! Different days bring different things, but I'm amazed at how well I've been holding up through it all--especially the recent development of H filing. I think it helps to know that I have a lot of people--family and friends--who are rooting for me and praying for me.
Quote:
My mom is the master at calling to "check on me" but using an excuse as to why she is calling.
Last week she called me to tell me it was raining and she wanted to know if it was raining at my house. LOL!
Yes, I've had some calls like this, too! I'm glad to learn my situation is not unusual. My father and I had a lengthy discussion about how it was raining at my house but not at his yet. On another day, white best friend called for a similar reason and then "wanted to try to hear the thunder through my phone."
Quote:
My neighbor (bless her heart, she went through a horrifying divorce about 5 yrs ago) comes over to borrow things that are so random it is comical.
My neighbors have done some similar things, too. One sent her daughter over with some printer paper "in case I needed it." Another hailed me over to talk about trees he might plant behind his house. The old guy on the corner told me he'd give me bowling lessons. You gotta love that they want to check on us but think we have no idea that they're doing it.
Quote:
Glad you are surrounded by so much goodness!
I'm glad that you and I BOTH are surrounded by it. It makes things much more bearable, does it not?
It really does make a HUGE difference when there are good people around you. And it's funny where you find the good people.
My friend "T", ya'll know her around here as well, has been an absolute godsend to me. It's funny how amazing people come in your life when you need them most.
And OMG, since I don't know where to post this I will just say it here (sorry for the hijack)... my awesome neighbor just had a job interview with the law firm my H used. LOL! I didn't tell her what snakes they are ('cause maybe they are nice to work for!) but can you imagine?! LOL!
Monday night *Checked e-mail *Had e-mail from H saying that he was giving me a "heads up" that I would soon be served *somehow slept that night
Tuesday *called father to tell him; listened to his angry tirade and giggled in spite of my feelings *informed inner circle of development *saw IC; discussed these things: --if H had pressure to work things out with me (from family/friends), then this would not be helpful; his heart must be in it --IC said it's early but asked if I am able to think about or see how my future could be better without H; also asked if I would be able to accept a future with him if he never changed; then asked if it was better for me that this happened at this point rather than further down the road --IC told me to remember the reality of the marriage; don't get sucked into H's history rewrites or delusional beliefs; remember what are HIS issues and problems --IC asked if I would be content if H came back right now, exactly as he is, into the present situation, and picked up exactly where we were; TOUGH QUESTION BUT A GOOD ONE *after IC appointment, wondered if H called lawyer to file for divorce from the beach (as he was on his family vacation); decided to text and ask him --Me: Are you still at the beach? --H: Srry missed the text, yes I am --Me: You're calling your lawyer to file for divorce from the beach? --Me: [after 30 minutes] I don't mean to sound rude, but that wasn't a rhetorical question. --H: No I took him a check last week and he told me he would email me when things start to move along, he emailed me yesterday --Me: It would have been nice to know that last week. Why didn't I know this last week? --H: Because he told me to tell you this week after he did the papers --Me: Please tell me why he told you to wait to tell me. --H: He told me to give him a few days and he'd let me know when to tell you, i'm the one that told him I wanted to give you a heads up anyway --Me: I still don't understand why I had to wait to hear this. Forget the lawyer. Why couldn't YOU tell me last week? --H: Ok I'm srry. I have to go now.
WHAT?????
Tuesday continued *made appointment with superior attorney for Wednesday *had fantastic dinner with girls (as detailed in a previous post)
Wednesday *met with superior attorney for two hours; believe she may have superhuman powers *learned about exact process for my state *made attorney aware that I do not want a divorce; she described ways to delay but said that our state rarely, if ever, dismisses a divorce (though it's not impossible) *H's attorney does NOT specialize in divorce; also had not begun to write the marital dissolution agreement
MUSING--I wonder if H and H's attorney were under the impression that attorney would just draw up papers, parties would sign, and life would go on. Superior attorney especially wonders that based on the amount of money H gave his attorney.
Sunday *received text from H asking if I would give him half the money for the cell phone bill (never mind he quit paying on any household bills in early March)
Who knows what adventures the coming days will bring?!?!?!
It really does make a HUGE difference when there are good people around you. And it's funny where you find the good people.
My friend "T", ya'll know her around here as well, has been an absolute godsend to me. It's funny how amazing people come in your life when you need them most.
Too true. It's wonderful to be surrounded by support, and it's interesting to see who steps up to the plate to really be there for you.
Quote:
And OMG, since I don't know where to post this I will just say it here (sorry for the hijack)... my awesome neighbor just had a job interview with the law firm my H used. LOL! I didn't tell her what snakes they are ('cause maybe they are nice to work for!) but can you imagine?! LOL!
Now THAT is quite a coincidence! Do you think she'll take the job?
At the end of last week, I purchased three DB coaching sessions, but I have not yet scheduled a time to talk to the coach. I've considered it many times but never did it. I figured I had nothing to lose at this point!
In the past week, I've experienced a wide range of emotions about my possible divorce. I've had these thoughts:
*He wants a divorce? Fine! He can have one! He'll regret it one day. *There's still hope for us. I won't give up. *What is WRONG with him? He can't really want this! *Do I REALLY want to be married to someone who would put me through this? *I can fix this. I don't know how, but I can fix this. *How could he be so disloyal? How could he cut and run? *Everything happens for a reason, right? Well, I'd LOVE to know the reason for all THIS! *Should I just let him go and move on? *Friends tell me to "do what is right for me." What if I don't know what that is, even after I ask myself repeatedly?
Am I being optimistic by continuing to hope for reconciliation? Am I being optimistic by still believing that the marriage could be saved?
Or am I crazy for having the foolish hope that this will not end in divorce? Am I crazy to think that H will change his mind and want to work on our marriage?
If you ever read my thread (and I mean if you just stop in to see what my father has said), then I would LOVE it if you would PLEASE post your thoughts. I get lots of comments and advice from family and friends, but they can't see past what would make things easier for me in the short term.
I don't think you are crazy (and trust me, I know crazy 'cause I am crazy, lol!).
Without hope or optimism what do we really have? IMO the best thing to do is find a healthy balance between hope/optimism and reality. And the reality is at this time your H is divorcing you and the two of you are in the legal phase to dissolve your marriage. It is painful, it is adverse and a million other things that are hard to articulate in one single post.
I don't think WAS simply wake up one day and change their mind. It is a very, very slow progression if it happens at all. And really, it takes so much time that if it does happen the LBS is in a much different head space. But the changing of the mind does not equal the changing that needs to take place and that is the key issue.
My H could come back right now and I can promise you that we would have a ball doing the stuff we used to do. But when it came down to the brass tacks of communication and such, I don't think much would be different with him. This is not speculation as it is apparent when we do have exchanges he still views things the same way.
Our 11 yr. wedding anniversary just passed and my H texted me on that day. This is the 3rd anniversary we have been apart and he has been with OW. To him he was being nice and thoughtful. To me it was very insensitive and when I told him that I got the usual "nothing I do is good enough". IMO when you cheat on somebody, divorce them and remain in a R with the mistress for THERE years you don't text your exW on the wedding anniversary. It is cruel. To him he was being a good guy. Sure, it's nice to be thought of but it never dawned on him how it would make me feel.
If you let go or not your H has already moved on to a much higher degree than you have. It is painful but true.
So, no, you are not crazy. You are human and all humans need hope. Sometimes though we have to adjust what we hope for based on reality.
Sheesh. That's a tall order, because you are really asking about how to FEEL. I wish I could tell myself how to feel, let alone someone else. So, I'm not touching that. But I will tell you a story...
I have a very young 80 year old bagpipe student. He is super pleasant to talk to and some of our lessons we end up chatting more than actually working on his music. Just after my stbxW dropped the bomb, I was informing him I might be canceling lessons for a while and told him why. We got to talking about my sitch and I asked him for some advice. I figured a guy married 60 years would have some sage advice.
He said "Fergie. If I had some advice to give you, I'd tell you, but to be honest there is nothing I can give you."
He did tell me a story about a fight he and his wife had. He packed a bag, got in his truck, and started driving. When he got to end of his driveway, he stopped, and sat there. He had a choice to go off onto the highway. After a bit of time of sitting there, he turned the truck around and went home.
That really stuck with me, because almost everyone I've met here in the DB world is just like him. People trying really hard to save their marriages, and also just plain super people. And I think that is the difference between the WAS and the DBers; the DBers want to put the work in to fix their marriages and the WAS keeps driving.
Your IC had some excellent questions. Some of them my IC gave me. The best one was: Do you really want to go back to the exact situation with nothing changed? At first I thought it didn't sound too bad, but now it sounds horrible.
Rob helped with that. Your mantra should be "Don't settle for crumbs."
Turn that frown upside down now is your time to shine, girl!
Everyone has their limits and my limit was that the stbxW kept driving. I know this is a marriage saving forum, but I have read thread after thread where the LBS is willing to let the WAS drive around the world. I guess I wasn't willing to do that and have her return to settle for crumbs.
You are a great looking woman. If you are even half as witty in person as on the threads, you will do fine. Better than fine, if that is what you decide to do.
8, it's so weird that your H left you 2 days before mine did, and that they both got the ball rolling in the same week. I guess our Hs are on the same wavelenth :| .
I don't think you're crazy to want to reconcile...but I totally agree with CG that even if your H "changed his mind", it doesn't mean that he has what it takes to do the hard work required to reconcile. And it seems like, after separation, WAHs take 1-2 years before they even start to change their minds, when that happens.
I guess acceptance is the only way forward that I can see for myself. And I envy you that, if the D proceeds and you find acceptance, you'll be able to live a life totally free of your former H. A blank slate could be a good look for your life 8.
(((hugs)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
