The saga continues

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good lord.

[OfficerInNeed]

In response to what? our ages or the fact I invited her to the movies?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Your inviting her to the movies, and the whole "there's nothing to eat" exchange.

[CityGirl]

You are going to to do what you are going to do.

Less than 24 hours ago your W said she hated you and wanted you out of her life. She had no consequences to such cruelty other than being asked to go to the movies.

Please go back and read your last paragraph later on with a fresh set of eyes. It is HIGHLY ABMORMAL for a grown woman to text her husband who is inside the house to tell him there is nothing to eat. Then to continue saying it for 15 times. It is just plain bizarre. Under the BEST of circumstances that is not a sane reason in the world to provide a suggestion or solution to an adult that is bitching there is nothing to eat. If she can't figure that one out, well, I guess she will remain hungry.

Did you say you had been married for 10 years? That would mean your W was 15 when you got married. Can you clarify?

[Ready2Change]

OIN,

Gucci is a very wise man. His words have been chosen very carefully. I strongly suggest you read this over and over to understand........

I have been doing some thinking and here is what I have decided. I NOW realize that you really don't want this marriage or me anymore. I realize that what I have done in the past has destroyed any chance of you ever loving me again. I now realize that I have been trying to keep you and get you to love me back with making some changes that should have been made a long time ago. I now realize that no matter how much I try and no matter how much I wanted this to work that your mind is made up and your feelings are not going to change. I now AGREE that it is too late and that we can not make this work. I will no longer make an effort to try to save this marriage. We need to decide how we are going to separate our things such as the house, the money, etc... I think it would be best if you moved out. Your dad should have your place ready shortly and I think it would be best if you moved there while we take care of the divorce process. Don't worry about me and my parents and the house. I will handle it. I am sorry that I haven't been paying attention to how badly you wanted out, but after this weekend it really hit me that it isn't going to work and that you are RIGHT."

The sooner you say these words to your wife, the better chance of her coming back to you........

[gucci loafer]

The sooner you say these words to your wife, the better chance of her coming back to you........

Thanks Ready.

OIN.. I have done this stuff SUCCESSFULLY for over twenty years... This is NOT my first time around the block with a situation like yours. Matter of fact, I have seen your type of situation thousands of times.... I always run into the same things with men in your situation. Same excuses. Same reasoning. Same responses..


The ones who wise up and listen and apply the principles of what works to bring a woman back around TOWARD you have the best chance to get her back. The thing that they almost all say later is "why didn't I wake up sooner and let go".... They feel better about themselves. It isn't good for men to try to win a woman back. It is LOWERING your self esteem. She senses that you are TRYING too hard. (remember my "I'm still shakin it boss" comment)(that is how YOU are coming across to HER now) Women respect a man who does the things you are doing if he does them out of strength. They don't respect or love a man who does them out of loss of her love.That is JUST the way it is and just the way it works. If what you were doing was what worked for men, then I would be the first to tell you to keep doing it. If begging worked, then I would tell you to beg. However, in my twenty some years, I have rarely seen the things you are doing work.


Now. This doesn't mean that you are rude, mean, or treat her badly. What is means is that you do what you did tonight regarding the food issue. NOTHING. You don't reach out to her. You don't rescue her. You can be cordial. You should be cordial. What she HAS to see and FEEL (NOTICE the word FEEL) that you have given up trying to save the relationship. "I give, you win.. I will NOT try anymore. I am done too."


FINALLY she will FEEL that you heard her. The pressure is finally off of YOU and is now on her. Does she really mean what she has been saying? What if YOU are now done? YOu are finally giving her the chance to think those thoughts. Just let her see and feel that you have given up. You won't be mean, but you won't be making ANY effort TOWARD her.. You are going into your own little world. You HAVE TO give her the speech I told you to give her. You will THEN find out if the relationship will be able to be saved. SHE will have to bring up a talk or it is over. It is now really up to her. Is she really willing to risk that? I don't know. No guarantees.
Stop torturing yourself. You HAVE tried. She has rejected your effort. (no surprise to me, they almost always reject your efforts in these situations.) It is only when you let her go and leave her alone and give up that she may turn around.
If she is truly done, then so be it. Nothing you could have done anyway. She is already telling you she is done, so what more can she tell you? What? That she is STILL done? What? That you are never going to change? No more TRYING. It isn't worth it and it does NOT work.


Believe it or not.. SOMETIMES the BEST thing for a relationship to heal is TIME APART.... "

Absence is to love as wind is to fire.. It blows out the weak and kindles the strong"......

[OfficerInNeed]

CG,
Together for 10 years and 5 months. Married for 9 months.

About the movies. A friend invited us. I told her about the invite and she agreed to go. If she would had said no I would had still went. Turns out friends W wanted it to be a family thing and so I respected that. I passed the message onto W and she said "We can still go just not with them if you want" and I made the decision not to go.

W and I sorted out some bills and made payments. I heard how hungry she is and throw a fit about it all night. I said nothing or would say "your right, there is nothing to eat" a few times.

----------------------------

Gucci,
What is the status of your sitch? reconciled or divorced if you don't mind me asking.

What exactly have you been doing for 20 years? divorce busting?

I have tried many times to explain the dynamic of my sitch. As I said in a previous post my W and I have been together since I was 17 and she 14. During the 10 year span we developed what we thought was the way to love each other. In reality, as many of you have said, it was more of a father-daughter relationship. I was controlling and W enabled it. We did not know how to love each other so the way we expressed our feelings was natural to each other.

I guess you can say I played two roles...the boyfriend and then the father. My controlling behavior included the typical "you can't talk to this person" or "you cannot do this/that" and over the years my W accepted this as the normal and I continued because it worked.

On top of that I would say some pretty hurtful (extremely hurtful and outrageous things to my W). I had terrible insecurities and always had the fear of losing my W to someone else. My answer was to simply lower herself esteem to make her feel as if no one else wanted her. I think overtime it became a habit and I became addicted to the put downs. I said things just to get a rise out of her and hope she would become clingy or just feel terrible about herself and things she did. I remember saying "Your a terrible W." I use to tell my W I wasted 10 years of my life and that I did not want to be married to her ect... it goes on and on. Did I ever mean these things? No, never I did them because it felt natural and I knew it would break her down.

W has enough and tells me it is over, she confide in OM cause he finds her beautiful and feeds into her emotions. I, meanwhile, realize that my marriage is falling apart and never intended for this to happen. Now I realize how sick I was and that I needed some serious help and I get it. I have a new outlook on everything in life but now its too late as far as my W is concerned.

My W is growing up and the same time she still believes in fairy tale relationships and doe snot have the advantages I have to know what it truly means to love someone in a healthy way. She thinks unconditional love is putting up with crap and pissy attitude no matter what, basically was she had gone through for 10 years (no exactly but in her mind that long).

W admits we had good times but the bad outweigh the good and its too little too late for changes because she has pleaded for changes for years and all I ever did was shoot her down and tell her I did not want to be with her and encourage her to leave.

Tomorrow is her birthday as I mentioned, would it be OK to try and do something special for her? I know it goes against everything that has been discussed in the past 24hrs but...

[gucci loafer]

Gucci,
What is the status of your sitch? reconciled or divorced if you don't mind me asking.

Very happily married with grown children now asking for relationship advice from "old dad"....

Relationships have been something I have been interested in for as long as I can remember. I consider it the same as a hobby. My wife reads on here with me quite often. I have studied and studied and observed this question for as long as I can remember.. "What happens and what did the betrayed person DO that helped to bring about reconciliation. I have done spreadsheets on these things. Who came on as a BS. What route they took. When they reconciled or if the reconciled what were the dynamics. I have a few male friends that have also been very successful in the woman dept. They have almost all said the exact same things I believe.. They found in their lives that chasing a woman who says she doesn't want you is a big waste of time and never worked for them either. They also discovered that when they let the woman go and moved on withouth them, that most times the woman wanted to come back. Also that going on and finding another woman they were interested in worked very well.... (I found this true als.) (I call this the jealousy factor.)

I still see these same patterns today. Even on this site. It has made my beliefs even stronger on what works and what doesn't. Matter of fact, your own situation is proving my beliefs yet again. You are just another person that is showing me what doe NOT work.

In my personal life I started getting people asking me for advice. (you think YOU have pressure? Try giving someone advice to let go and start dating another person and come back and tell me about pressure)

I then was finding out that my advice was working a high percentage of the time. I can think of at least 4 who were dating when they lost their lover at one point, who are NOW married. All were only friends or work associates of mine who took my advice. I can't even count the married men and women who have had the guts to listen to me and follow what works despite their fear. My daughter ALWAYS comes to me. So far it has always worked. The guy has always come back to chase HER even though she was dying to chase HIM.. "NOPE HONEY.. That doesnt' work. Don't do it, stop calling him and immediately START DATING ANOTHER GUY" (yes this advice is to my own daughter)(who knows better what works on a man than her daddy?)
"How do you know all of this stuff daddy? (after she calls me and tells me that he is now chasing her)"Experience honey, I had a lot of practice dating and with women. I found out what works on me as a man and what works on women"



Hope that helps. So, from my experience, from my observations, from my spreadsheets and from my talking to other successful men.. I would say that your chances by doing it your way don't look to good to me...


Your experience with helping others save relationships?

[OfficerInNeed]

OK help me out here. Help me develop a new approach for my sitch giving the following.

W and I are still living together. There is no set date as to when W will move out. During the house warming/birthday party this past Saturday, all W's family members including FIL assumed W will be living in our home. Only family member that knows about our sitch is FIL and he was just talking about doing some repairs in our home which all while he is still fixing up his home. For FIL to take out/away from getting his home ready to help with our home is just baffling to me.

Let's say I give W the WAS speech then what? DO we or can we still do things together? is it me who stops asking her to do things and if she were to ask me is it OK to say "yes" ?

We had made plans not too long ago to attend event this summer. Do I assume that those plans would be no more and I plan on attend the event myself? or do I allow W to ask if I would still like to attend.

W likes to play word games. For example "Would YOU like to do this?" now it all rests on my shoulders, I am left to make the decision. W decides to join me after making the decision and if I ever say "You did this with me and now your leaving, makes no sense" W can say "No YOU wanted to do it I just tagged along"

I guess what I am afraid of is that if I gave the WAS speech it may seem like an empty threat. We still live together, we still communicate and not all is bad. We still go out and have fun together. So to give the speech and then still do these things with her would feel like an empty threat to her.

There are many people on this forum, pretty much every sitch I read, where WAS is already out the home and/or a separation is already in place and most would feel extremely lucky to be in my situation where WAS is still in house and has not proceeded with any thing legally, pretty much has been all talk up till this point. So is it fitting to give the speech now? or is there a more suitable approach?

Yes I want to reconcile and NO I do NOT want W to move out and I can only imagine the WAS speech pushing her out the door.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OK help me out here. Help me develop a new approach for my sitch giving the following.

***And then follows 400 words on why YOUR situation is different, and how it couldn't possibly work.

OPEN YOUR MIND, Officer!!

Puppy