We knew you wanted to stay in CT, but you only pulled back from moving when she made it clear that she would make your move a disaster. She doesn't want you in her town monitoring her life with her friend. It seems to me you are doing exactly what you are supposed to.
You are beginning to focus on the better you and deciding to be the 100% father. The only reason I wanted to see you move was the boys ... I never expected her to repent.
Now it may be time to unleash the L and go for all the custodial rights you can. Establish as many favorable rules as possible. Forget about throwing yourself on your sword - unless every drop of blood is backed up with parental rights.
Make it more attractive for her to live in town than out, with custody provisions prohibiting her friend from cohabitating while the kids are there. The agreement should make it difficult for her to enjoy being out of town. But try limiting your financial obligations in the agreement to what is standard.
Anything you give her outside the agreement should be a bonus for living in town and for good behavior. Don't fold your tent or surrender in the agreement. Your L shouldn't allow it!
Your CT job will make demands and you will benefit if she is in town, and happy. She'll be happier if she's getting bonuses you aren't obligated to, and if life there is easier than fighting you long distance.
Everyone will tell you what you should do, it's what we do. It only means that we want what's best for you, and for the kids. We don't much give a squat what she wants. She'll end up very well regardless; but still an alien.
Thank You for your thoughts... I'd love to talk to you more perhaps on the alt if you are there. I'm elwood.
It was a very hard decision. but the thing about it is that I can always go there-- there are options. the one option I didn't have was to go back to CT if I bagged it... and under the circumstances it seemed in the end like a really bad idea-- given what she said and all of her actions that showed me what it was going to be like.
my boys are my main focus. right now I believe they are not living in a good place with a person who really has their best interests in mind. they are with a person who has their own best interests in mind. I honestly felt like it was the best thing for them-- and me-- to stay here. things are shaping up pretty well here for me now as well which is good. this is a phenomenal opportunity and a real chance for me to establish myself in a job that will give the entire family stability, as well as will allow me to get out from under the tremendous debt.
I have totally done what you said (already)with regards to talking to my L. I did drop the suit-- or thought I did-- with the hope that she meant what she said-- that she wanted to reconcile and bring the family back together. I knew she was lying, as she does all the time but I had to at least try and see. my lawyer was smarter than me, however, and dragged his feet and thus the suit has not been dropped.
I have a good lawyer (I'm told). I think he has been waiting for me to give him the full go ahead... I of course was still in love with my wife and wanted her to come back-- also for the boys sake. but now I'm ready for war. I never wanted this. but she's been playing dirty for some time and certainly has won a few of the first battles. but I'm preparing myself for the war ahead.
your advice about making it more attractive for her to live her is a great one. I hadn't thought about it that way but I will certainly think about it more. I've told her over and over that all I want is joint custody and for my boys to live where I live.
the dream opportunity thing was a sham. it was never real. she has not had a job...
I told her that I would get a house for her here, and the weeks that she has the kids she is here... weeks she is not she can go up to the other town and do what she wants to do... I doubt she will go for that but to me that is the best possible solution-- for the stability of the boys and their lives right now. carting them back and forth 8 hours a weekend just is not good and really not safe.
So I'm going to try and work that out. if the boys end up there permanently then I can always go there... that may be what ends up happening. but it will be on my terms and also by then I believe the custody issues will have been worked out so she will not be able to control everything as she has for this last year.
I'm guessing though that she is just going to dig her heels in...despite everything she has said... about moving here.
IMO - you are right. She may dig her heels in. This is all part of the sense of entitlement that she has. For me, it helps when I try to look at things from her perspective. Even if I do not agree. Right now, she may feel like she is loosing her kids, right now she feels like you may not have been as involved as you believe you were, right now she wants control. She may be feeling all of this and you can understand; however, you need to do what is in the best interest of you and the kids. Just make sure you are not doing it to win her back or to hurt her. Do it for the kids.
Quote:
I am afraid
God do I now this fear. Nothing you can do IMO to make it go away.. just take it day by day.
Quote:
I wish I knew what her real plans were a year ago... I wish I knew what type of person she really was and is.
Don't we all...don't we all..guess what though...you will be better because of this. You will.
Now go fight for your babies!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
but she is the kind of person who lies to get what she wants. she uses her children like pawns and crutches. does not do what is in their best interest. she thinks that the vows we took she could just throw away. she has no remorse. she has no conscience. she has no morality.
Jack. I have spent a year trying to support her, be there for her and give her everything. she has done nothing to but hurt me and everything to try and ruin my career and my life-- and by doing so has completely destabilized the family-- and destroyed it.
I was willing to give it all up-- but she did not want me there. she made that clear. she made it clear she would continue to make it hard for me to see my boys and play games, keep things in limbo.
is she in MLC? I don't know... all I know is that her actions have done incredible damage to me, my boys, and this family.
Just a word of advice...have yourself and your L try to focus on getting just a parenting plan/custody signed and in place before haggling over financial things.
Are you still chipping and putting? Next to getting out of bunkers, chipping is the weakest part of my game. I recently tried out a very inexpensive Alien sand wedge and really like it for getting out of bunkers. I am going to start experimenting with it for chipping. I am sure that my instructor at tonights lesson will laugh at it, but if it improves my game, that is what matters most.
