So I talked to eric today and thought I'd come back and say hi... give an update. Perhaps I'm here now for different reasons.
when I first came here I wanted to save my marriage... now I'm more interested in growing as a person, becoming a better dad, and learning how to make friends... something I have realized I suck at.
so when I last left ya'll I was on my way up to take a job in the town where the wife was. I was going to give up heart surgery. This was something that I wrestled with immensely and actually felt terrible about. The only reason I was going to do it was that it would put me in the same town as my boys.
but she didn't want me living with her. she never, and to this day still has not-- had a job there. she never has made a red cent. I have supported her completely.
well as the months wore on (may and april in particular) she made it harder and harder for me to see my kids. weekends she was going to come down she'd come on saturday, leave sunday... weekends I'd be off I'd drive up there, she'd make it hard at transitions. basically she was using them like pawns.
she made it clear that it was going to be pretty miserable up there. She'd have the boys, I'd still be working all the time as a general surgeon (taking call every other day).. and the days I would get off early she already made it clear she would make it hell for me to see them. that and she had her special friend there.
plus, factor in the conversation she had that she said, "well if you move up here its going to be lonely for you because I'm planning on leaving"... I decided to stay and fight to get my boys here.
I have not posted here because quite frankly I felt as though many of you would have felt that I let you down. That you would feel as though I chose my career over my boys. Trust me when I tell you that it is just not that simple. What I did not want to do was give up everything I worked for, give up my career-- as a gamble that I would move to another place only to have my wife up and go somewhere else...
if she said "move in here... lets make it work". I would have done anything... anything. but she didn't. she never has changed never has been anything but cruel.
trust me also that I have had a lot of time to think about this, think about myself and how I got here. and I know how my own narcicissim contributed to her wanting to run. how I was not able to accomplish the 9 years of training and also give my wife the love and support that she probably needed. I recognize all that. But it also did not make any sense to chase her down to another town and give everything up-- only to have her then move again which was a very good possibility.
I got a lawyer and sued her for custody. I have told her over and over again that all I want is for her to move here, I will support her even in another house-- but so that the boys can be living in the same town as their father. so we won't be shuffling them back and forth every weekend. let me stress that she does not have work there and has no plans to. I have a good job right now in a very difficult field to find such a thing. we went to court last week and she said she was planning on moving back here after the school year ended and if I dropped the suit she'd move back. So she and the boys moved back for 5 days. she had a suitcase that was packed the whole time... and she was the same miserable person she's been the whole year. and so she left after 5 days. the good news is that despite what I thought my lawyer did not drop the suit-- he knew exactly what she was up to.
she has shown me nothing but disregard-- she's talked about reconciling but she really has no interest in such a thing.
this weekend I took my boys to this place Great Wolf Lodge. Anyone been there? it was pretty fun. but I also had a pit in my stomach the whole time thinking that this is not my life, is it?
I played tennis tonight with some people and I've made it my goal to try and meet someone new every day... try and make some friends here and build a social network.
in the meantime I'm ready to fight for my boys. they deserve to have a father and I deserve to have them in my life. as much as I wish I was there I feel that life would have been 10 times more miserable there as she has made it her full time job to make me miserable and is really good at it. I'd be working all the time and she would have full control of those boys. I wanted to stay where I was and try to get the courts to help me get them back here. I know it is a long shot.. and in the end I can always go there, and I may do so in a year-- who knows. But I felt that actually it was in the best interest for the stability of the family and those boys to stay here in this good job and try and get them here.
so that's the sitch... I hope all of you are not disappointed in me and can perhaps understand a little bit. perhaps you can understand that this was an issue of control-- and she has been in total control of everything-- and I did not feel as though it was ok anymore. not for me or the boys.
now I'd love to learn more about how to be a better friend. this is one of my goals for this year. anyone who has lots of friends and makes friends easily I would love to have a mini-course or any advice. I am not a person who people turn to. I am not a person who has lots of friends-- here. I put all my eggs in two baskets-- work and my wife and kids. and it is really tough where I am because its like everyone is married and has kids... or is retired. there aren't a lot of dudes like me who's wife up and left them and took the kids away... I feel a bit like a pariah.
I also am going to get in shape. I've been eating terribly, wallowing in self pity for so long.
amazingly, somehow, I passed the written and oral boards for cardiothoracic surgery (which if you fail you have to wait an entire year to take again). so now I'm a board certified CT surgeon-- for what that is worth. but look at the price! debatable whether or not it is worth it. I will tell you that saving someone's life is a great gift. The irony of it all is that I've made a mess of my own in order to do so.
What I am recently trying to figure out is, "what is wrong with me." of course everyone in my family tells me I'm great and have no faults but I know better. I know that I have some sort of defect when it comes to relating to other people. I've had these little epiphanies recently, where it is actually nicer to get out of my own head and just BE with other people... look them in the eye, try to figure out what they are thinking and GULP feeling? I've never really cared, I suppose, what other people were feeling. I think perhaps this is why my phone isn't ringing off the hook with people asking me to do things with them.
so--
hi Jack, Fig, Mach, Bworl, Virginia, Cat and others.
Bradley - Like SA I have followed your posts as well. I hope that as I work through this maze I come out on the other side with some of the same introspection you seem to have. Good Luck to you and Congrats on your recent accomplishment! How terrific! Irish...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
You know, I have three first-degree rellies who are docs, and I have seen their occasional relationship struggles. I may have some insight there. Or not, since I am here LOL.
May I ask what drew you to medicine? And to surgery? And to CT surgery in particular?
Congratulations on passing the boards. And to coming back here. Huge!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
thank you for your nice message. I have no idea how I've gotten through this year...
perhaps one thing I can do here is help some people who are going through the same stuff.
one interesting thing is I was down to 175 (I'm 6'2")... now 190. MLC diet is a real winner... anyone else have that rebound where they eat like crap (and maybe throw down a few beers) and get fat?
its been a gradual process for me, never a big epiphany.
I was drawn to medicine for a number of reasons. I have always liked science and thought it would be cool to be able to apply science in a way that was also productive and was helping people out. I do like helping people out. Surgery sortof chooses you-- if you are a person who likes action much more than words, likes using your brain to figure out why someone is sick-- and then going in and fixing it-- if you are task oriented person who likes using your hands.
CT I was drawn to because I loved the anatomy but I think I was also drawn to it because it was sortof like the Top Gun thing. it is the ultimate challenge in surgery and it draws people who are compelled to challenge themselves. the surgery is elegant-- and is much nicer than sloshing around in the belly with fat, poop and guts (sorry if that is too graphic). The heart and the lungs are really pretty amazing things to work on. I also like constructive surgery (sewing anastomoses) rather than destructive surgery (big cancer resections)...
with all that being said I'd rather be a stay at home dad if I could. but that isn't really in the cards right now... especially since "we" are in crap loads of debt accrued over the 9 years of training...
