Newmama, you came out the other side of handing over his belongings with dignity. I had similar thoughts when sorting through my WHs things..will he remember that we bought this when we were on holidays in X? Will he re-read these old letters from me and miss what we shared?
Also Awst and Gabbysmom's posts choked me up because I feel exactly the same..how do you detach when you are linked by the most precious thing in your life - your child. Makes me think it would be better if WH left for Europe and we never saw him again. I think I would rather that.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I packed all my H's personal things (photos, cards, notes and so on) and put them with the rest of his things. I have no idea if he ever looked at them or what.
Our Separation Agreement stated he was entitled to the professional wedding photos we had of his family/friends. Thus far he has never asked for them but we had literally hundreds of snapshots from the wedding I divided and put in his box. Plus, his parents and grandparents both have professional albums so I doubt he would want any of ours.
My exH has a very easy time detaching. my therapist and I have discussed this, she never met him, but gets the picture over the last year and a half. When he has ot deal with things, emotions, he detaches. Very easily. He does it with everyone and everything his whole life, that's why he is just fine. he doesn't deal with emotions at all. ANd he always has a backup woman that fills the void. WHo knows what really goes on inside these guys heads. I have been trying to figure out the heartless things he does and says, but I am done trying, because i will never be in his level of emotional detachment, and for that I am actually thankful
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Gabbysmom, I guess someone who doesn't deal with emotions AT ALL would be very good at ripping the wedding photos off the wall as soon as he drops the bomb! Seriously...I am so so sorry you had to experience this.
Interesting if he always has a backup woman...so much for the longevity of his "marriage" to OW!
Did you have any hints of his emotional detachment issues throughout your relationship? Is he a con man or something?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Piano, there is a strange positive of your WH moving to the other side of the world forever. You could find a stepfather for your daughter and she would always grow up with a consistent daddy. She wouldn't have to go back and forth between 2 homes. You wouldn't have to hear about OW.
I have had many many many days where I thought "what was I thinking? I should have told WH to stay out of our lives 100% until he has dumped OW." I know legally I couldn't have made him. But maybe he would run away and then I could find a replacement dad for S and get to have the intact family I always dreamed of. He will only learn of intact families from going to his friends' houses!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
He will only learn of intact families from going to his friends' houses!
this statement reminded me of something DD16 said when she was 13 in 8th grade. She said "Mom, I like being different. Most of my friends' parents are divorced and mine aren't." Unfortunately, your son will not feel unusual coming from 2 families.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
So he got all choked up, did he? Took all those insecurities of his, packed 'em up and kicked him to the curb. Bet he didn't sleep a wink last night!
I'll have to remember the perfume move if it ever comes to me packing up WH's stuff. I did spray some of my perfume on his sheets on his bed in the basement when he first moved down there, but haven't touched them since.
I don't want him back "as is." He's got some changing to do before I share a bed with him again!
But I'm glad to see you rattled your WH's cage with all the boxes. Wonder what he'd do if he found one of your guy friends at your house, sipping a beer, sometime in the near future when he comes to pick up your son...
That is a depressing thought, that DS will think it's normal to have two families. I know that my DS remembers when his father and I were together and will talk about those times or ask why we can't be that way again. I too wish H would move far away so I don't have to hear about OW or see H and keep ripping open the wounds from his leaving us.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
Thank you all for your encouragement! I did feel strangely powerful and strong and like I was holding one of those huge foam fingers from baseball games but instead it was the middle finger! (lol!)
I think also it doesn't feel like NOW I HAVE TO MAKE A LIFE FOR MYSELF because I started trying to think of myself as a single mom, met other single parents, gradually transitioning, just in case the worst happened. And it has helped. I recommend it to anyone who is in our sitches.
Thank you, Whatnow, for this poem! It is perfect. All I had before was the serenity prayer, which is helpful,but not too detailed or the livestrong detachment article which is waaaaay toooo detailed (for me).
To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
Can't make him see the huge mistake he is making for his son and himself.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
Yep, enjoy your downward spiral and how deep CAN you dig that hole anyway?Sorry but you made your bed....
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. I won't be the one with regrets!lol!
To let go is to fear less and love more... [/quote]
I am poking fun, but in reality have compassion from an objective point of view. Like if I was watching a Lifetime Made for TV Movie, and I was watching my stbxh just screw up more and more and more...I would be screaming at the TV going "NO!!! WHAT THE BLEEP ARE YOU THINKING??? This is too painful to watch! Poor unfortunate soul....and his consequences are hurting OTHER people's lives! But this man will have to learn the hard way."
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks again, WN! It made me chuckle actually...you are right. UNFORTUNTELY it is the norm these days. See I keep projecting my dreams onto him. Better be careful.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I too wish H would move far away so I don't have to hear about OW or see H and keep ripping open the wounds from his leaving us.
HOW do they justify doing this?
DD 10 goes to school with a girl whose parents divorced about 3 years ago, when the WH knocked up OW, who was also married at the time. I'm friendly with wife #1 and met wife #2 when the girls were at a slumber party together. Wife #2 is an EXACT REPLICA of #1, less 20 lbs and 5 years. I was flabbergasted. I instantly hated WS on the spot, knowing how much he'd hurt my friend just to get a younger, thinner version of her. How callous was that?
