I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[awest1217]

Just remember to do what is best for you and S. Don't worry now about H because he is doing his own thing now. Just be the best you, you can be and do those things that will help you.

[newmama]

vent:

I think the reason why I haven't been able to get help from my friends or family about how to proceed with my situation is that they don't want me to save my marriage.

And it's my own damn fault for discovering my stbxh has doubts. If I never asked him, who knows if he would have told me?

It's also my own problem for not knowing how to respond to him.

it's also my own problem for not scheduling a therapy appointment sooner because maybe he could help me.

So I am responsible for my confusion! argh!

[Mrs. A]

NM,is the class a one-time thing or a series? Does WH take it with you?

It seems like one advantage to taking it in July is that you send H the message that you're taking him/this seriously.

One disadvantage is that it doesn't give you much time to mentally prepare yourself.

I'm not necessarily advocating postponement - you'll figure out which approach is best - but you might actually get more out of the class if you go into it feeling less rushed or pushed.

It's so hard to figure out what to do!

[newmama]

The class is a set of 4, one per week, and we are taking it separately. Thank you, Mrs. A, for your opinion on me taking the class!I do think it will show that not only am I taking this seriously, but it will help me to face this reality. I prayed about it last night and got a quick answer (unlike other questions I have asked!!!)

OK I have made some decisions and won't waffle. Then off to do some baking and cleaning again. And going to a going away party for my cousin later today.

1) I will go ahead and take the class in July. I prayed about it and, got the feeling (which is how I determine what God is suggesting to me) that "eh, six of one, 1/2 a dozen of the other--go ahead and take it." And then....this after thought "this class will good for stbxh to see what he is choosing to do."

Yes, I know it is what I want to do. So that is why I am taking it based on what I want to do, not him.

2)I will try to get in to see my therapist this week.

3)Sometime before the D is over, I will talk to stbxh some more. I just need help knowing

WHEN to do it (sorry but I have always been a big believer in timing. "Timing's everything.")


WHAT I want to ASK ( I think this is probably most important)

WHAT I want to SAY or let him know.

Not for "the magic words to make him wake up" but more like how to plant seeds for a teenager to make a decision about their life! (thanks WN for helping me change the way I am viewing sbxh!) AND ULTIMATELY FOR ME TO GET SOME ANSWERS I DESERVE TO KNOW


4) I will still keep up with GAL and keep my interactions with stbxh the same because it is what I want (not to be best friends, not to be rude, just brief and to the point, poker face).

[Mystik]

1) I will go ahead and take the class in July. I prayed about it and, got the feeling (which is how I determine what God is suggesting to me) that "eh, six of one, 1/2 a dozen of the other--go ahead and take it." And then....this after thought "this class will good for stbxh to see what he is choosing to do."

Good goals, NewMama. I too believe that timing is everything. And I also determine what God is suggesting to me the same way. Whenever I pray for H to come back I get the work Patience repeating over and over again in my head.

[Seeing Red]

I've been reading through your thread and think you're wise to:

1. Pack stbxh's stuff and have it waiting at the door
2. Make it YOUR space with new paint and accessories
3. Take class sooner rather than later

Show him that you're moving on with your life.

If he's having doubts, you turning off the lights on the NewMama option could make him freak. That + having him nearer his family + OW being further away from her family = a possibly quick end to their romance.

So what if he signed a lease? He can break it or sublet if things awry. It's a lease, not a death sentence.

Keep strong and see what happens. You're the girl!

[newmama]

Trying to be positive here: you're creating YOUR space now! With S. Maybe you can buy some nice pictures or put up new photographs of you with S!

Exactly my plan, Gatsby! Great minds....

I am getting S' photos done on July 14 and hope to have some shots of me with him as well. (we tried Sears and he was just too active and curious about the environment to settle down and pose! So I found someone who will follow him around and take pics!)

And I was thinking of what new art to put up. Gotta check out Ross or TJ Maxx!

Red, WOW, you posted at just the right time! I was cleaning and thinking to myself "I want someone to just tell me what to do! To say 'if I were you, and I wanted to save my marriage, and my WH expressed uncertainty, I would...'"

1. Pack stbxh's stuff and have it waiting at the door DONE!
2. Make it YOUR space with new paint and accessories in the works...get to go shopping for new comforter and art and getting more photos of S taken...
3. Take class sooner rather than later ALL SIGNED UP!

If he's having doubts, you turning off the lights on the NewMama option could make him freak

.

Might as well try!





OK. Am taking a deep breath. Am renergizing. My body and soul has been nagging at me for the whole last week...like that nicorette commercial where the man is oblivious to the shark biting his arm off because he is craving a cigarette. You see him sitting there, dazed, and hear his thinking "cigarette. cigarette. cigarette." lol!

But in my case it is "he's uncertain. he's uncertain. he's uncertain." and I told myself it was unhealthy for me to dwell on that so I made myself think "NO. He's leasing a house with her! Give this up, newmama! You are in denial!"

And when ONE friend said to me "newmama, you guys need to talk some more! He doesn't sound convinced!" I was the one who said "no. He said it was the right thing to do. He's leasing a house with her for a year. There's no use." And she didn't argue with me. Maybe because I didn't want to believe--hope can be exhausting! I had no idea!

It's a lease, not a death sentence.

lol! I am too practical! I was also thinking "but he BOUGHT NEW FURNITURE FOR THE PLACE!" And you are right. People who are not married, but dating, break up all the time. They move out. Leases can be broken. He could always give her the furniture as a consolation prize.

[newmama]

Whenever I pray for H to come back I get the work Patience repeating over and over again in my head.

Yep- that is like how I get my answers, too! either a word or phrase repeating, or a nagging sensation. And it isn't just the one day or time. It will linger and linger until I acknoweldge it or take action. Like the class. I prayed on it, got the response, and my gut no longer feels twisted and I have ZERO doubt now about doing it.

If I prayed on it, and still had the anxious feeling, I would pray again and then finally realize that the anxious feeling was lasting because it was my answer.

I prayed last year "Please God, please let me know if he is coming back." I got....NOTHING! No anxiety, no reassurance. Like "be still." ANd you know I asked God about this repeatedly! I also asked "should I divorce him?" and got NO! real fast, like so fast I figured it was just ME not wanting to do, not what is the right thing to do. ANd you know I kept asking from time to time!

Well, when March (2010) rolled around, I started to get a sinking feeling, when stbxh talked about me packing his stuff. I thought "he's not coming back." So I prayed on it. My sinking feeling went away and I got a sense of confidence. Not happiness, just confidence like "hang in there."

Then, on March 25, I could tell he was conflicted when he came over. He was deep in thought. I THOUGHT IT WAS OW! I thought "gee, it has been a year just about. And I BET she is pressuring him to divorce me but he doesn't want to! hahaha. But the joke was on me! I had NO CLUE that he was about to tell me he is ready to go through with the divorce!

So when he surprisd me, I asked God, "why didn't you warn me?" lol! I went to bed devestated. The words "I don't want to lose you" rang in my head and the words "I do not forsee ending my relationship with her." I went to bed thinking "He has to lose me then." But didn't know how to make that happen when I wasn't ready to date. I kept thinking that losing me means I get involved in another relationship.

The next day, my friend C, (who told me last week I was unhealthy for wanting to be with him still) shocked me by convincing me to talk to him and try to reason with him because he still had doubts. And then so did EVERY PERSON I talked to! I went to the beach, prayed about what to say- well, "Please God, please help me find the right words." And I had my handy 5 sentence speech ready for stbxh the next day.

The next thing I prayed about was whether to let stbxh still visit S at the house anymore. For the WHOLE MONTH of April, I had the nagging feeling of YES. MAKE HIM DROP OFF/PICK UP S! But I was too scared to do it or something....
I also had a feeling it would be a month before he was going to let me know his decision, so I got prepared for the worst and had my response ready to go, my attitude, my papers. I WOULD BE STRONG. And I did it. ANd I was right! On April 28, a month later, he told me he decided he doesn't want to keep hurting me and is going to proceed with the paperwork.

So I became very very depressed. I didn't pray. I just thought it was over. But I had this ANGST, this strong discontentment (is that a word?) about my actions. Like I needed to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! (was DIM for the month of May and just felt uneasy about it)It wouldn't go away.

But then, I got this idea to totally change direction, around the beginning of this month. Maybe my anti-d's finally kicked in, or maybe I was inspired by the fact that he hadn't given me the papers so it meant he had doubts. But I decided to stop being secretive about what S and I were doing or where I was going and to get him to be thinking of me and to draw him to me. (like my previous plan , but ELEVATED).

I let my guard down. I had a good feeling- I thought he isn't going to divorce me! He will see that there is hope for us! And "even if he divorces me, I will have a good life!"

Then, out of nowhere, he gives me the freakin papers! It's like in the movies, when people are partying and dancing, then suddenly the music stops. eeerrrrroooop! and all are quiet.

Where the hell did this come from? God, why didn't you warn me?

And I stopped praying again. Because I guess I only pray when I want help. And I didn't want it- I just threw in the towel. I needed to get through this pain, quick and rip off the bandaid. I wanted to waive the 90 days. I looked through the paperwork to see about doing that.

But I saw the date on the paperwork. It said May 14. That haunted me! It nagged at me, making me decide to just ask stbxh WHY he waited so long. So I did.
And the next thing that came to me was "ok. gotta make him face his decision. Gotta pack up his stuff. Gotta do this for me, too. For my acceptance." And then I became haunted by "he's uncertain!" and we are all caught up to today.

Now I will pray for the words and when to talk to stbxh.

Oh and to become emotionally stabilized so I can form a decent co-parenting relationship with stbxh.

[newmama]

Oops- sorry to give the impression that I would take stbxh back without conditions! I have them. You are right, Gabby's mom, that he should not be allowed right back in the house.
And I am not banking on this divorce falling through...just want to go about my life and see what happens and KNOW "it ain't over til it's over"

[CityGirl]

FWIW despite my H telling me "he can't be married anymore" and he is happier than ever he has many, many times expressed doubts to me. Is he lying? Who knows.

He has told me he is not 100% sure this is the right thing to do. That nobody can *ever* be sure. That he has no idea what the future holds for OW and so on. The last time he said this to me was the night before court. He also told me he didn't want our legal separation to be our "grand finale" but his next move was moving in with OW! LOL!

These men are a mess I think. The more I am thinking about the stupid text y'day the more *something* I get. As if that is okay to send such a message.

Move forward and I will join you!