Geronimo, sorry that I misunderstood! Ok well now I need to ask you how you mentally and emotionally deal with coparenting right now but I will also go back and read your thread in case you don't want to repeat yourself!
It's not the co-parenting that's hard - we tend to mostly agree on and are invested in how to raise the kids. And we both appreciate and value the role of the other in the boys' life.
How to cope - well, some aspects haven't changed, I go to work, I come home and I'm with my children.
This particular arrangement started in April when I moved back into the house. We signed the agreement, documenting this arrangement, in May. So - wow it's been longer than I realized - but it not so long.
Some weeks (like right after we signed the papers) we've had little contact. I'd get to her apartment, call, and she's send the boys down. Some weeks, I come to the door, she gets them out the door, and we talk briefly about things we need to. There is still a lot of emotion stirred up, so sometimes it's hard. And then there's weeks like this week where we've hung out as a family. Really need to manage the boundaries. Not sure where we're going to land up ultimately, but hopefully we get into a manageable cadence.
Things go a lot better when we tread lightly. So, have to resolve not to start a fight about bills for example, or give in to the negative emotion. Taking some discipline.
I guess I'll be joining you here soon enough. I'm not spending much time on the forum now, but it's always good to read your posts and I'm glad to have caught up with you. I'm glad to read that you're working on taking it one day at a time. That will help you to stay grounded.
It annoys me that your stbxWH is making such wishy washy statements to you. Basically it boils down to him being bummed out that he can't cake eat, keep all his options open indefinitely, and have the best of all worlds. Call 1-800-WAAAAAH dude. You deserve to be with a man who can take 100% responsibility for his choices.
Glad you're setting boundaries about the exchange of S...it's good practice for you.
(((hugs)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I don't think my H wants to keep my hooked. I think my H doesn't have the best friend he had in me with OW. She is pretty and I am guessing a good roll in the hay but knowing what I know of her she is not the "good girl" I am. She is not the fiercely loyal person I am. My H will never find another best friend like me. He knows that.
Citygirl--exactly! I guess "hooked" wasn't the best adverb. He wants to keep you around, involved, attached...
and just to clarify- YES- I think the WHs need to end their As before they can change! Sorry if that wasn't clear.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Basically it boils down to him being bummed out that he can't cake eat, keep all his options open indefinitely, and have the best of all worlds. Call 1-800-WAAAAAH dude. You deserve to be with a man who can take 100% responsibility for his choices.
Yes,lmao!And yet he is the one who is closing his "options!" It is what I wanted originally- for him to be the one to have to carry through with the D so he can face what he has done. But I guess I would have had some satisfaction in being the one to divorce him. Hmmm. Well, I am 55% pleased he found his balls and did it.
You know something- it does make me feel WORSE that he is going through with D while being uncertain. I am disposable. to him. ouch! but, alas, he is being such an idiot.
Last edited by newmama; 06/24/1006:26 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
CW- I will ask my friend if her perspective has changed at all but I think I'll wait a couple of weeks first.
WN- good explanation:
Quote:
I told him I would not be friends with him outside of our marital relationship, AND that my friends do not treat me the way he was treating me (living with his mistress) and stay a part of my life.
I guess I would say "my friends do not treat me the way you have, and stay a part of my life... Besides, why do you want to be my friend? YOU'RE the one who wanted to leave ME!" ok maybe that last phrase isn't so good. But it would be fun to say!
Geronimo- I do see from what you describe that the truth is interacting in a civil way with the ex is just not going to follow the same protocol every time. Yes, like you guys, stbxh and I agree on almost everything so far about S.
But it is realistic for me to expect that the exchanges will be painful or uncomfortable for awhile. We are human, our moods fluctuate, and you mention the discipline that is required to refrain from getting angry or too friendly or sad. I think it will be easier once OW is gone!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
my horoscope from cainer.com for Wed- how did he know? (lol!)
Sometimes, things have to get worse before they can get better. Or they have to go wrong before we can see how to make them right. That's small consolation when we are in the midst of a tough time. But when we look back, we often realise why we simply had to go through a particularly difficult experience in order to reach a life- changing conclusion.
Soon, you will feel much happier about something that has lately been making you feel unhappy or frustrated. The future is brighter than you think. A rare 'Cosmic Cross' is coming soon! This 'T-Square' will bring change to the world... and it will bring change to YOUR life. If you're ready for it, it can be a time of unparalleled opportunity.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I am totally in the same boat as you. My H wants to be friends because he has no friends except OW, except OW is married still and for a while when he would talk to her about me (last summer and fall) all he did was complain about how bad of a friend she was because she wouldn't make time for him. H has completely pushed away all the friends he did have. Many of our mutual friends (specifically the guys) didn't want to here about what was going on because they wanted to be there for H, but now he has completely ignored them and won't talk to them at all.
I think he has a few old friends he has contacted, but they don't hang out much (and they only hang out as much as they do because I asked a few of them to help H out since he had no one and for a while was suicidal).
I just now decided enforce the boundary of not being friends with H (I told him when he first moved that if we Ded I would not be his friend so maybe a reason why he won't file...who knows), and it is hard. For me, H left and abandoned S and I. He sees S only once a month and always with me around. Last year we planned on the every other weekend thing, but he never followed through and slowly he has just lost contact. This week I told him to keep things to just about S, but he never asks about S so he still is trying to be my friend and hold me as someone else said. I am just ignoring him unless it is important.
What has helped me to detach some over the past month, is the fact that he doesn't care so why should I. However you are getting a D and H wants to be in S's life, which means OW also. I don't have to deal with that. I wish you a lot of luck. I really think what will help is just always thinking of STBX as S's dad and that is it. When you think of him as something else, just refocus on him as S's dad. I also love that you don't want to hate him. I have some resentment, but the thing is that I don't hate H. I hate what he has done, but I don't hate him so we share that as well.
Continue to enjoy your summer off.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Thanks awest for encouraging me to not hate stbx! And for posting on my thread. I hope that when you are ready, you will be able to find a terrific guy who will be your son's stepdad.
What is funny is that I was reading SRomeo's thread and he was admitting to how he wants to be able to go off on stbx and speak his mind. Of course the posters are telling him to refrain. But I was thinking of all the very nasty things I have wanted to say to stbxh..too vulgar to post here! I usually daydream about saying them to him when I am driving and it is amazing how many nasty names you can think of when referring to OW!
It also made me realize that when I have argued with stbxh, I haven't said super terrible things but definitely have responded based on emotion. And "steam rolled" or whatever--just horrible communication skills when it comes to dealing with conflict!
Between the 2 of us, I definitely am more verbal and have the tendency to speak in "monologues" instead of "dialogue!" We also both get defensive. So if I noticed that he took care of the laundry, I feel ashamed that I didn't do it and worry that he did it, thinking I was lazy, and felt resentful. Holy crap- now I get that he saw it needed to be done, did it, and PROBABLY HOPED I WOULD APPRECIATE IT! Now of course I was positive most of the time and really did compliment stbxh a lot. I wasn't horrible but am just reflecting on communication areas that needed improvement.
He would get defensive about things like if I said "I thought we were having spaghetti tonight!" if he made hamburgers or something. Now, I truly was just expressing my surprise. Well, he took that as "I wanted spaghetti! Why did you make hamburgers?" and would get defensive. So I would say "no, I mean I don't care! I just thought it was spaghetti." and he would say "well, we can make these hamburgers tomorrow. do you want spaghetti tonight?" arghhhh.....
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
My C told me that harboring hate (for anybody or anything really) is about as productive as drinking a dose of lethal poison yet somehow hoping it would kill somebody else.
I have learned there is a big difference between anger and hate. And really, anger has it's place in this process. I do still have anger towards my H at times but I don't hate him. I do hate the way he has behaved and that is something I have to work on. I have learned to use my feelings of "hate" towards him and turn them in to compassion. No matter how much he tries to suppress it (and he is masterful at this) he will always have to live with the fact he cheated. He will always have to live with the fact he walked out on a marriage with no discussion. He will always have to live with the fact he had to be so dishonest to so many people to cover his tracks.
Me? I made mistakes (lots of them) but I don't have to live with any of that. IMO that is why my H *had* to change. One individual can't carry all that around and still be the same person they used to be. That is why I don't believe in the "fog". People change for the worse when their actions are so deplorable it is impossible for them to be the same. It's not a fog (IMO), it's the only way they can survive.
I am sure to most people in my H's life they seem the same person they used to see. Very successful at work, funny, smart, thoughtful, romantic easy going and so on. And for a long time he was all those things to me. But once you shred a R (as our H's did) it is impossible to put up two fronts.
Most people here went through remarkable efforts to rebuild their marriages. The harsh reality is as long as their is OW/OM heavily vested in the picture nothing would have mattered. It is terribly sad... not a child, not an incurable illness, not the very idea of breaking a lifelong commitment can make a spouse who feels done take pause.
And we are left with lots of burden and many unanswered questions. The WAS, in most cases, was left with next to no unanswered questions. It's a tough and painful place to be but we all keep trucking.
My 11 yr. wedding anniversary is Sat. The last two anniversaries (while H was not living here and with OW) he has contacted me. This year I hope he has the good taste not to.
