Well, I'm new here , this is my first post. My H and I are still young , he's 33 , I'm 31, and I think he might be having a MLC. He's been getting progressivly grouchier/impatient/careless/distanced for about 1.5 years now, we've been ,married 9 years, known each other 12. We have a son whos 4, and H has been trying for the past 4 years to launch a successful business, which he finally did mid last year, at which point everything just imploded for him emotionally, it didnt give him the happiness he's been chasing so madly after for 4 years I think.
Thats when he gave me 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech. Saying he's been unhappy for years, and we are friends more than anything else, and that he wanted to move out to 'find himself', and it was his time to be a bit selfish and not compromise on the things he wanted to do.
Since then he has bought a speed boat , started wakeboarding (used to waterski when he was a teenager), spending every free moment with his high school best friend (who he went into this business with 4 years ago),he signed up to climb kilimanjaro (which he has always wanted to do, but we never had he money, but the business is paying for it now), he bought a HUGE luxury car on the companies expense, and he's going back to hiking which he stopped doing altogether just before we were married, it dwindled really, but I never stopped him from doing it, but he felt guilty going and leaving me (He comes from a guilt driven family - and he feels guilt for everything and anything if it makes him happy)
I have always tried to encourage and perpetuate his happiness by letting him buy anything he wants to buy and do anything he wants to do.
Anyway he is at the point now where he is keeping himself very busy with work , and if he's not at work he is on his mountain bike, and if he's not there, hes climbing a mountain.
He is doing the things that I know will make him happy, but I never knew that he was holding back on any of this for me.
He also started becoming distant just after S4 was born, nd I felt I took on the workload of bringing him up by myself, while it felt H was pursuing whatever he wanted to persuit, so I started feeling resentful the past couple of years, but gave him the benefit of the doubt, becasue he was overworked.
I could go on forever.
We are at the point where he comes over every night to bath S and put him to bed, I am being freidly but detached, and H seems content with that for now.
Trying to keep my head screwed on through all of this, have my days when I'm not sure its a MLC or not, but he is so different to me, it feels like it is a MLC....
Here for spme daily guidance, thoughts, and happiness!
Welcome to DB--you've found a great place filled with lots of experience.
You are doing the right thing in trying to stay detached, it's hard. Have you read the DB and DR books yet? If not, they are a great place to start.
This is the best place to be to vent, search and figure out what is going on with you. You can't share any of this with H, he simply won't be able to hear you right now.
Someone will be by soon with links for info on how to deal with this. Please read them all, they are a great starting point.
(((hugs)))
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
As far as what stage he is in. If the OW is still present he is in Replay.
But lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Got a couple of questions for you...you know just as a guy. AND I am not attacking you, these are serious questions. If any of them seem like they might be true...just be honest with yourself.
Your husband seems pretty darn active which ...might mean physically fit. Are you? Or...better yet WERE you and not anymore?
Did you fall into the trap of being a mom first? Where you're too tired from being a mom to be a wife?
Did you 4 year old become the center of your universe?
You mentioned that after the birth of your son that he started to become distant.
Those are some pretty common reasons a guy feels left out and then gets all passive aggresive and resentful.
Look he might be in an MLc...but you have to realize that YOU also played a part in the crumbling of your marriage. But...you are going to have to figure out what that was.
The idea around here is to outlast their MLC.
AND while not every MLCer has an affair...it is in your best interest to at least prepare yourself for the possibility of it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
When I first got here I got bogged down in whether or no my H was MLC or WAS. Now, it doesn't matter much. I've found that the way I've learned to manage myself would be the same either way.
Jack had some really good questions for you. If you can answer them honestly and take even small steps to change what you would like to change. That's a really good place to start.
Thank you everyone for your replies I already know that this is a warm welcoming place to be , and thats just what I need right now
Pilot - thank you SO much for the links, I will delve into them asap
Jack - Its so nice to hear things from a male perspective, we are like chalk and cheese, and it really helps when you want to try feel what the other person is feeling.
And ,yes, he is an active person, and I'm an academic, I'm not lazy, but I'm just no the sporty type - he was attracted to me because of my 'intellegence,class and fiesty-ness'. Never had a problem with my not being active, and if he did , he never told me so If that was the case Dunno He's like a shut clam at the moment.
After our son was born, I was terrified, I had no family to help me, and I didnt have the foggiest clue how to look after a baby, and when he distanced himself and became scarce, I felt like the well being of this baby rested on me and me alone - so I did focus every ounce of energy on S for the first year, becasue I felt if I screwed this up (the survival of a little person), it would be MY fault. Babies are alot tougher than I thought, but there was no one there to tell me that.
I think it DID add to the issue. I have aslo read several articles (I am an academic!) that state that men who feel that they have been abandoned by THEIR mothers (true of my H), are set up for a MLC, or at least some kind of emotional turmoil when a child of their own is born (the mother figure - now me - is abandoning them all over again). I dont know if this is true, but it seems to sit right.
I did make mistakes in the marriage, I was too giving, I feel. I looked after S and him, before ever thinking of me, for a long time.I was a bit of a doormat towards the end.The resentment from him not helping me with S built up slowly.
As the resentment build, and as he strted spending more time away from home, my affection for him dwindled, in and out the bedroom. This was one of the things he told me he was unhappy about when he left - he was always initiating sex. I told him that it was becasue he had distanced himself emotionally, and he said , but dont you want to have sex just for sex? I mean really That just hurt.
But it was nothing that soulnt be talked about, I was just giving him breathing room with his new business for a while, before telling him we needed work.
He made his own mistakes too. Apart from not helping with S, he spoke to me disrespectfully over the years, which left scars over time, he was constantly splurging with money to make himself happy (gadgets and toys)- he is very materialistic - from his upbringing.
He didnt spend quality time with me from when S was born. I think this is where I started feeling his love for me dip.
None of these - I felt - was worth throwing our marriage and love away
He struggles a bit inside, emotionally, and always has done. He is conttntly trying to 'gain respect' from people, and he feels the only way to get peoples respect is by having a powerful career position, dressing expensivly, and driving an expensive car to look the part. He has always seeked his parents approval - which they never gave easily. He has resentment to his teachers at school, often used to say , I'll show them all sort of thing.
Anyway, I try so hard to make sense of it all, but in doing so I forget to look after me. Which I'm getting better at. Its difficult becasue I have never been happy until I find the answer to something, it will drive me nuts, until I find THE ANSWER. Thing is - I dont think there is one here.
Anyway I could go on forver, but about to run out for some me time at the gym, get those happy juices flowing a bit.Or try at least
I dont know if this is true, but it seems to sit right.
It's pretty accurate. ANY child that had emotional trauma and was unable as a child to deal with it is poised to have an MLC later. That is my opinion but I am not a professional.
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As the resentment build, and as he strted spending more time away from home, my affection for him dwindled, in and out the bedroom. This was one of the things he told me he was unhappy about when he left - he was always initiating sex. I told him that it was becasue he had distanced himself emotionally, and he said , but dont you want to have sex just for sex? I mean really That just hurt.
tip toe through the tulips...
As a guy I understand this point of view from your H. And I'll be blunt here. Pick up The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. And sometimes sex is just sex...when your are married and you like sex...you kind of are (morally) allowed to do something you REALLY like ONLY with your spouse.
What if they didn't? Or where...punishing you?
Now you get to fly solo or...
The book is much better at explaining this.
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He made his own mistakes too.
Uh-huh...but YOU are here. You can control exactly ONE person...and that is you. You can for arguments sake control your son a little while longer but not once their sense of SELF grows bigger.
So you can control you so we work on you. Not him. Of course HE made mistakes..and you are allowed to vent and biotch about them here, but no one here is going to tell you how to fix or correct those...because that is up to him once he realizes it. Once HE realzies it...not having them pointed out to him.
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Thing is - I dont think there is one here.
Some answers are to be found...but mostly truths. And one of those truths is that some questions you'll find you do not need answers to. The questions lose thier importance to you.
Welcome to the best worst place to be pie.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hoo boy! Best place to be at an awful time, pie. It sounds like you and your H are somewhat opposites. Can be fun, but not when there are difficulties in the M.
As stated, it is time for you to GAL, find out who you are. I bet you're not the whimp who allows her H to do and buy anything he wants. I bet you're not the doormat, that allows H to get out of taking care of S4 now and then --- alone. I know he baths him and puts him to bed every night, but does he take the munchken out to the zoo or the park, or any other fun thing. You build R's with your kids by experiencing the outside world.
Time to find your inner self, the one who is in control of herself, has boundaries, and has fun with friends without S4 or explanation to H. If he wants to leave, then so be it .... BUT show him exactly who he is leaving, not the shadow, but the substance. You've allowed him too much stuff, and it doesn't make one happy, ultimately. Being your true self, being there for your family, honourable in business, friendships and family ... I contend that that's what makes one happy. But, he has to find that out for himself.
Here are ways to limit contact .... don't always answer the phone or text, don't answer emails immediately, only contact when it concerns S4 or finances, keep contact businesslike and distant, if it can't be helped and you have to be in the same room as him then look your hottest (casually so without making it look construed), look happy when he's around, don't allow him to EVER put you down when in company ever again (he probably won't now since he has left, but if it happens, you make a point of stopping it in front of the same company). Anyway, that's enough for now. You probably feel very overwhelmed, so don't forget to breath deeply now and then to calm yourself. I found meditation helps a lot.
I am glad you are going to the gym. Exercise is good for the mind and the body. And being distant when he comes to bath/tuck S4 into bed is the way to go.
I agree that you should be prepared for an affair. People seldom leave unless there is someone else to go to, especially men (sorry guys, but it is true I think). I thought my H was too busy to have an A, but what he had was a long distant EA emotional affair); they talked on the phone constantly, emailed, texted and so on. She lived far away and was an old school flame.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks Jack - I know its me I have to focus on now, and I'm doing pretty well I think, have gone from thinking it was all my fault, and then to , it wasnt all my fault, to - why did I put up with some of that stuff - thatsnot me - wheres me gone?
So I'm finding myself again, slowly, and it feels nice, like welcoming a soul home, and appologising for having left it out in the cold for a while to tend to someone elses needs .
I'm also worried that I'm 'picking out' bad things about him, to help me to detach from him, and that all the bad things I 'pick on' are making me think that maybe I'll be better off But what about the good things, I'm scared to think of them now, because I'm scared they'll interfere with detachment..you know? So at the moment my strange stratedgy of thinking of the bad stuff is helping detach
I also battle with wether or not this is a MLC or just a WAH. The things that made me initially think its a MLC was that he initially said he feels like hes changing, becoming a different person, enjoying the 'jetsetting' business lifestyle. He's reconnected with his mom, who he hated. He said 'how can you know what you want out of life when you are 21'- when we got together. He said we were just kids...huh? he's only 33 now?
Does this sound like a MLC? I guess I want to know, becasue if its not I dont want to 'stand' to wait for the madness to end.
Something in my gut says it is, but I doubt my gut sometimes, thinking its what I WANT to believe maybe.Its better thinking hes temporarily insane leaving me, than thinking he has his head on straight and knows what he's doing...you know?
Being Me - thanks for the advice He does spend time with S, but on HIS terms, (I'm giving him space with his time, his activities- hoping the more space he gets the sooner his head will come straight). One week he'll be too busy, the next he'll want to see S every spare moment - it fluctuates.
I dont want to put pressure on him to spend time with S, becasue thats what I did when we were together, and I'm trying to 180 it .
Sometimes he wants to be secretive and gaurded, other times he'll want to tak like we are best chums. Sometimes he'll be overly sweet and do nice things for me, and then he'll be distant (not through my behaviour - Ive been pretty consistent with my 'whatever, it doesnt bother me, I'm content, smiley' behaviour )
I reckon I'd get top marks for the leaving him be, not answering my phone, not asking questions etc. GAL basically. I'm doing well there.
Sometimes I wonder if by being nice hes trying to reach out (never been verbal about emotions).
At the beginning of this he ws very angry, wouldnt look me in the eye (despite my being non confrontational about things), irritable, short tempered with me and S, and everyone else for that matter. Then gradually he stopped being irritated with everyone else, then stopped being irritated with S4, then came me, he's been fairly nice to me for a while now.
I dont know what to do with the nice behaviour actually - I'm just reflecting his. But for example, he's invited me to go boating with his friends on Sunday,this isnt unusual, just about every time hes gone, even post speech, hes invited me along, treats me like just one of the crowd tho, which I didnt like , I think he might feel guilty that its OUR boat and HAS to invite me whenever its used...dont know if its that or him wanting to spend time.
I am prepared for an A, dont know how I'll deal with that, I might go numb like i did with all the rest of this, or it might be the line for me, but unfortunatly I dont think I'll find out any time soon. Im not the following snooping type, I dont want to.
I already know that this is a warm welcoming place to be , and thats just what I need right now 
If that was the case