I just skipped from page 3 to page 10. So I missed some stuff. But I see that you're thinking about asking stbxh to go to co-parenting counseling. And it seems like you're not sure "what [you] mean right now."
Yeah keep checking the threads and see what you think. I would just say go into it knowing what you want to get from it! It seems to me like your exchanges with stbxh are already civil, but maybe I missed some things on pages 3-10.
I often wonder the same thing about my H. How on EARTH he can be so dense and thoughtless. Ever since he moved in with OW (about two months ago) he has been sending me random texts wanting to come over for dinner (note: he has not been allowed to step foot in my house since May of 2008), telling me he is thinking of me and he thinks of me often and so on.
Now he has taken to writing me little stupid "hope you are well" notes when sending my spousal maintenance checks each month where in the past he would just send the check.
Honestly, he has no regard for my feelings and has never taken the time to see things through my lens. Sounds like your H is in the same place. They made the tough hurtle of getting the D papers done, now they are moving in (or have moved in) with OW and don't seem to realize their "tough task" is done. We have the enormous task of not only rebuilding but rebuilding with the knowledge our H's are living with their mistresses.
I think you are doing the right thing by being polite yet brief and denying him any small talk. When his phone does arrive I would text him and let him know the phone is there, you have signed for it but any pkg's or mail in the future will may not come to your home.
My H, after two + years has not bothered to change his mailing address. For a long time I sent him his mail. Not anymore. He has mail here piled up for months. If he wants it he can contact me and ask me when I am available to give it to him.
It's not about being harsh but for me it's about living in reality. I am not a postal station. I will not accept cute/romantic/intimate texts from a man that has a live in lover even though that *man* happens to be my H.
You can do all this with a breezy smile but eventually the dynamic has to change and since our H's don't seem to "get" things will change due to their choices, it is up to us to get that ball rolling.
Still following. I know what you mean about the divorce stages of grief. I haven't been served papers yet but already see that I am going through many of those stages.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
Still looking for a thread where the spouses are co-parenting and being civil to each other. I keep seeing where the exwife is being demanding and unreasonable or the exH abandons his kids and barely shows up... so maybe it is unrealistic to think people can share a kid 50% each and be civil after divorce.
Geronimo, thanks! But aren't you guys also romantically involved? The lines are a little blurry and that is something I am aiming to do...
1)see stbxh and think "here is my son's father." and nothing else! NO ROMANTIC FEELINGS! NO ANGER! NO HURT!
2)be able to discuss issues around raising S without feeling resentful and the above
3)not show S any of my negative feelings toward stbxh (so far, I am achieving this only step of the 3!)
4)no friendship. let's face it, stbxh is just a Baby Daddy.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Citygirl when I see stbxh tomorrow I give him his phone (he is picking up S) and then I will ask him if he has filled out the change of address form yet because I don't think it's appropriate for him to be receiving mail at the house anymore.
Your H is texting you/writing to you because he wants to keep you hooked.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I wonder if I should ask stbxh to come to a counseling session to discuss co-parenting. For some reason I feel like having someone "facilitate" a discussion between us.
i think its a great move and can't hurt. It will help you talk about anything you have inside that you need to express! and the same for him...
I often wonder the same thing about my H. How on EARTH he can be so dense and thoughtless. Ever since he moved in with OW (about two months ago) he has been sending me random texts wanting to come over for dinner (note: he has not been allowed to step foot in my house since May of 2008), telling me he is thinking of me and he thinks of me often and so on.
Oh Wow! City Girl...
reminds me of that movie (didnt watch it, just saw previews) with Alec Baldwin and Merrel Streep. the one where they are divorced from each other and years later have affairs w/ each other!
Is his "EQ" truly so low that he DOESN'T GET the magnitude of what he is doing to me? How can he be so dense? I am just baffled.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
I often wonder the same thing about my H. How on EARTH he can be so dense and thoughtless. Ever since he moved in with OW (about two months ago) he has been sending me random texts wanting to come over for dinner (note: he has not been allowed to step foot in my house since May of 2008), telling me he is thinking of me and he thinks of me often and so on.
Honestly, he has no regard for my feelings and has never taken the time to see things through my lens. Sounds like your H is in the same place. They made the tough hurtle of getting the D papers done, now they are moving in (or have moved in) with OW and don't seem to realize their "tough task" is done. We have the enormous task of not only rebuilding but rebuilding with the knowledge our H's are living with their mistresses.
When they're in THE FOG, it's all about them, ALWAYS. They can see to the end of their nose. Period. They've made their decision, they've moved on with their life, and that's all that matters to them. Everyone else be damned.
Years from now, when their current relationships are kaput and they awaken from the FOG with a string of angry people in their wake, then maybe - just maybe - they might come around.
My FIL, who walked away from his family in his mid-40's, FINALLY started acting like a decent guy in his 70's - 25 years later! I don't know if he's a slow learner or realized his appointment with St. Peter was coming soon, but I've only just been able to sit down with him and have a conversation that didn't revolve around HIM in the last five years or so. He's actually a decent guy NOW. Too bad he wreaked so much damage with all his selfishness THEN...
Geronimo, thanks! But aren't you guys also romantically involved? The lines are a little blurry and that is something I am aiming to do...
1)see stbxh and think "here is my son's father." and nothing else! NO ROMANTIC FEELINGS! NO ANGER! NO HURT! 2)be able to discuss issues around raising S without feeling resentful and the above 3)not show S any of my negative feelings toward stbxh (so far, I am achieving this only step of the 3!) 4)no friendship. let's face it, stbxh is just a Baby Daddy.
We’re not romantically involved. We are still working through the crap between the two of us. But we are able to be respectful, work together regarding the bugs, and we’re doing the 50% thing with a daily handoff. She has the day, I’ve got the night starting at 6:00. Speaking of which – need to motor…
