You answered that that was probably true. Are you sure it is niceness.....or would you say you just try to let her have her way, you know...in order to keep peace?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If your MIL had many boyfriends & exhusbands, I would be not be surprised to find out your W was sexually molested when she was a girl. That could be why she has problems being intimate.
You said she is a good person and has made a better one out of you. That is wonderful, but it is going to be very hard for you to accept that she is different now. As long as you try to hold to what she used to be, you're going to have cheeseless tunnels. Whether she is a WAW or in MLC.....she isn't the girl you M. You'll have to start thinking about this with a totally different mindset.
Did you read Michele's WAW Syndrome? To me, 37 sounds so young to even think of MLC. But, she could have some hormone imbalance and that would certainly add to the confusion for her.
Glad to hear you like to read b/c you'll see different thing sujected here on the board. Don't expect your W to read anything. In fact, it's best not to suggest that she read anything b/c she's not into that and she'll reject it just b/c it's from you.
She has a strong negative feeling about you and every word that comes out of your mouth. So keep that in mind and expect a negative reaction....and be prepared mentally for that. LB's are continually shocked at the behavior of a WS but I think most of that is b/c they have a hard time seeing their loved one change into this other person who is not lovable or even likable.
The main thing I believe men need to do ASAP is to stop any passive behavior they have with her or anyone else. My H was "too good" also. But I reached a point that it would burn me up to see him just sit back and let other people take advantage of his good nature. After so many years, I started losing respect for him b/c of that, but mostly b/c he let me take advantage of him.
He would not stand up to me like I needed him to do. He would not discipline the children (I had to do it). He would not talk with me or go places or want to do anything for fun.(Thought I'd just throw that in FYI.) And, I began wondering why I M the man. I am sure I was a challenge for him, and he wanted to keep the peace. But what was happening was he was being "passive" and I hated it. I believe most W's do. That is why I asked the question that I did in the previous post.
WAW's don't have respect for the H. To say she needs to be away from you to "see if she misses you" is a bunch of stuff. I bet she knows if she would miss her child if she was away from him....and she doesn't even have to leave to find out. It's an excuse. She wants out of the M. If she moved out, it wouldn't be two weeks until she'd be saying there's no hope and she wants a D.
You need a plan, and here's something to jump start it. (1)She needs to respect you as a man, H, and the father of her child. And, in that order. (2)She needs a big dose of reality of what life without you would be for her.
You can start at once with these. Taking the master bedroom back is a good place to start reclaiming your position as head of the home. If she doesn't want to sleep in there, that's her problem but you need your bed to sleep in. Let her stomp out and throw the pillows around. Never fear her anger! Let her blow and snort.....she'll get over it or leave. And, that's the attitude you'll have to have.
You need to think about what you cannot live with in a MR and make that a boundary. She must respect the boundary or suffer the consequences. If there is not consequence for her....there's no real boundary.
Here's Coach's thread on boundaries. It has Pup's and some others that are very good.
Wow Sandi you hit so many nails on the head. To clear up a few things when I said "runs" yes I meant fire runs, Although I have been running and working out like crazy. Certanly helps with the Stress. Look pretty good to. I very much feel that alot of our problems stem from me not standing up to her. She even mentioned in a conversation yesterday that it has always bothered her that I let her discipline the kids when they were younger. Which is true but whenever I tried she would always crowd me out of the conversation. Fathers Day was interesting. I had to work my part time job from noon to six. I had been at the station the night before so when I got home at around eight thirty everybody was asleep and they stayed that way until I left to do the part time thing about eleven. there was no sign in the house that it was fathers day. Every other year there always has been. The house looked good with a bunch of my laundry she had washed folded and neatly put in a stack. Well anyway after I get to work I get a text message from her saying that they did not realize that I had to work so that why there was nothing for me when i got home. She stated that the kids wanted to take me to dinner and that my daughter was going to bake me a cake. Thats all great but it struck me as strange that this person who wants space is texting me for my kids when they are perfectly capable of texting me themselves. I then sent her a text telling her that I was going to take the kids to Carabas at 7:00pm and that she was invited to come. She called me and sounded like she said that she would , gave me that impression anyway. I tried to be rather forceful in telling her that she should come with us and also stating where we were going and at what time. Trying to loose that weak guy syndrome. Well at the last minute she backed out and stated that she was going to go to dinner with her dad. I said fine have a good time we were going to carabas which we did. So I felt good about all that. Later that evening we had a long very calm talk,about alot of things including seperation and divorce and the effects it has on kids etc. This morning when I got to the station she texted me this " I'm so sorry this has all happened. I'm so sorry I've hurt you. I would give anything to change it all but i know it can't. I just needed to say that." I never responded to her. Over the course of the next three hours she sent three more messages basicaly asking if I got the first one. Then she finally sent this "I sent you a genuine from the heart text this morning and now your not speaking to me. Thats just perfect". I replied that I haden't texted her because i was busy working and had not had time to do so. She replied "OK Sorry" To me this all seems like such odd behavior from someone who has no feelings for me to be repeatedly texting me. Sandi I have more to say about your last post but I've got to go to bed. I wish this BB had a spellchecker on it!
M-47, W-37 2 kids D-16 S-13 M-16 ILYBINILWU- March 2010. Still living together
I think her actions behind those last TM's is the WAW's way of wanting to part on friendly terms. She doesn't want to be M to you, but she would still like to have you as a friend. You know, like when she needs a plumber or have something else done for her? This is typical.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think her actions behind those last TM's is the WAW's way of wanting to part on friendly terms. She doesn't want to be M to you, but she would still like to have you as a friend. You know, like when she needs a plumber or have something else done for her? This is typical.
I think her actions behind those last TM's is the WAW's way of wanting to part on friendly terms. She doesn't want to be M to you, but she would still like to have you as a friend. You know, like when she needs a plumber or have something else done for her? This is typical.
Plus it will make her feel less guilty.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
Makes me think of being in school & dating. Why do girls want to break up with a guy.....but remain friends. That is like an insult to him, but it's the way females think. Somewhere in the wiring, I think that must be kind of how WAW are thinking.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think you guys are right about that. Yesterday was a tramatic day. she called me and told me that she had talked to a lawyer. she stated that she told the laywer that I'm such a nice and good guy that she dosent want to hurt me and she wants to make this as fair as possable. One problem with that is her idea of fair is that she gets the house, kids and dogs. Shes kinda a WAW but she's not leaving. My response was that I planned on staying in the house with the kids and I might even need the new Mercury Mariner we just bought to replace the 17 year old pickup truck that I drive. She of course went crazy, crying yelling telling me I can't do that. Sure didn't seem that it ever occured to her that I might actually fight back. The odds of my actually getting the house and the kids would appear to be low. I could force the sale of the house but that would then involve my kids having to move and I don't think I can do that. I've spoken to my lawyer and he said that the first thing I need to do is get control of the finances. This morning I called payroll and stopped my direct deposit into our account. I'll be opening a new account and start paying our bills now. I hope that this is a major reality check for her. Sandi and PDT, you guys both seen very pessamistic about my sitch. She has mentioned a few times that reconcillation after our dvorce is not out of the question. I realize that I can't live with that hope in mind. Whatever happens I will continue to get a life, Keep improving myself, Strenthen my relationships with my kids. I won't plan on ever reconciling with her but at the same time i hate to completely close the door by making this a ugly hurtful divorce. I havent given up hope that this can be turned around but I don't see many options. I went to a MC when my wife was out of town and told her my wifes life story. The MC is eager to talk with her but of course my wife will not go.
M-47, W-37 2 kids D-16 S-13 M-16 ILYBINILWU- March 2010. Still living together
