OK here is my story

[Resilent]

I like almost everyone else on this board never thought I would find myself here. I'm a 47 year old Firefighter in a large midwest city. My wife is 37 years old. We have two kids a 13 year old boy and a 16 year girl. Life as I knew it ended for me in the first week of March when I got the I love you but talk. I've been lurking on this board for about a month, I already feel that its been a great help to me. My story goes like this. I've been married for 16 years. My wife was 21 when we got married. I picked her up for our first date from her dads apartment. she had a one year old daughter by a guy who had no interest in being involved with the birth or raising of the child. Prior to that my wife had had a miscarrage and two abortions all with different people. She went to 4 grade schools and 4 high schools in three different states. Her parents divorced when she was approx 6 years old. She then lived with her mom who would pay very little attention to her while she would follow various boyfriends and husbands around the southeast eash time moving my wife and her sister with her. She ran away from home twice until her mother finally sent her to live with her dad who was single and living in a apartment at the time. Divorce is very common in her family. Dad twice, Mom twice, Grandfather 4 times. Grandmother twice. Aunt who she is very close to her once. I'm sorry if this is a long story but the details are important. We married when she was 5 months pregnant with my son. Myself I come from a stable family my parents have been married 55 years. We live in the subberb that I grew up in. I adopted her daughter when she was 5 years old, I am the only father she has ever known. My wife quit her banking job when she became preg. with my son and became a stay at home mom which she has been ever since. My wife has attempted to get into nursing school three times but has been unable to pass the entrance exam. She finally did about a month ago, I'm very happy for her, she has always been active in the community and in our childrens lives. She is a very good mother. I always felt that she was very well adjusted considering her crazy background. I've always worked two jobs. We have a beautiful home three cars, a Mercury Mariner which we just bought prior to this all starting, our old "good" car which my daughter now drives and my 17 year old pickup which I drive. Life was good or so I thought. There were cracks now that I look back. Our sex life sucked, she always had a problem being intimate.My wife is very good looking and has always taken care of herself. I could tell my wife was unhappy a few years ago but like a moron I just figured that if I just kept working harder and helping around the house which I've always done she would find happiness. I was wrong. She has since told me that she tried to tell me that something was wrong about 5 years ago but I did not respond. Since the ILYBINILYU talk she has become a completely different person. She has lost weight. Works out all the time, tans, is very much more secerative spends alot of time on facebook which she dosent want me to see. She often goes out with friends now. She drinks now, she never drank prior to this starting. She has stated that she needs time and space from me. I know that it would appear that she is having an affair but I have no proof. I've looked, can't find anything. I think she is having a MLC. She states that I'm to nice of a guy. Probably true. She just got back from a vacation she setup with a girlfriend who just got divorced. She took my daughter and the other womans 3 girls and spent a week at the beach. I of course paid for our half of the trip. Me and my son stayed home and had a great time. Some good bonding time. She got back this afternoon and is currently out with friends. She often sent me text messages while she was gone and a few pictures. I have been working on detatchment which is going pretty well. I made sure to not be home when she got back. She sent 3 messages asking where I was. At this point going on 4 months of my nightmare she often will text me out of the blue, real chatty. I at this point never text her first. So its weird she dosent want me in her life but she is always texting me. She wants a seperation to give her time to see if she will miss me. She wants me to move out, which I don't think i'm gunna do(Thanks Coach, I've learned alot from you and Greek as well as some others). I hope this makes sense, Probably the longest letter i've ever written. Any advice from the board would be welcome. I truly love my wife and I don't want to see my family torn apart.

[sandi2]

Hi, welcome to our community here. Since you've been visiting for about a month.....what would you advise a poster who wrote what you did? Maybe that's not fair of me. Okay, well have you read Micele's DR book? Also the articles she has on the board....especially the WAW syndrome.

You're right, she does show signs of having an A.

[Resilent]

Sandi, Thank you so much for the reply. Your one of the folks I have been following. I printed out your "let go of the rope story" a few days ago. I suspect that you would tell me that my wife needs a good dose of reality. She has never really had to function on her own. I've given her nothing but love for 16 years. I don't think she knows what love is. She never saw it in her family as a child. If she wants a seperation then she should go. She took a two week bartending class when this all started because she felt that getting a job would help her find herself. As of now she has not even started looking for a job of any kind. She always has an excuse why she can't get a job yet, (I'm studying for my nurseing thing, the kids are still in school, I'm going on vacation etc.) So I plan to give her a few days then tell her that she needs to find a job. I've also been sleeping on the couch or in my sons bed since this started. That needs to stop. I need to go back to my own bed. Its like she wants everything to stay the same in her world except she wants me out of it. I said MLC because she fits all the criteria to a T. I'm a big reader so yes I've read DB more than once and a ton of other stuff to. She dosen't read at all so I feel that she is going through all this without any information that could help her. Ya know I sound like such a wimp to myself as I write this and I guess I am with my wife. Trust me that all other areas of my life I'm as far from a wimp as you can get. We were the family that everyone looked up to and admired. I still feel our relationship has a chance. To me she still shows signs that somewhere inside her she still wants it. She really is a good person she has made me a better person over the years. I fear that her past is now catching up to her. Thanks for listening

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I said MLC because she fits all the criteria to a T.

Resilient,

It also fits "AFFAIR" to a "t." Please be careful. Any way you can install a keylogger on her computer? I suspect that her Facebook chats and/or e-mails would tell you all you need to know.

GOOD FOR YOU in moving back to your own bed, btw!!!

Your wife sounds a bit entitled, and it sounds like you've always done for her. Time to pull way back on that. As Greek would say, "time for her to put on the big-girl panties" if this is what she wants.

Puppy

[Resilent]

Puppy,

Its been a tough day. Busy at the station and just had a bad conversation with my wife. Broke every DB rule. Trying to be tough with her. Think its only getting me a quicker divorce. She stayed out until 2:30am last night after being gone all week on vacation. I slept in my sons bed. Today I came to work. I sent her a text message asking her if she was going to do the bills today. I got paid yesterday. She said yes and we exchanged text messages about what we would pay and how much. she told me 700 on one bill then later texted me that she paid 600. I sent her a text saying that I would like it if she would talk with me before changing the plan, trying to be tough. She went nuts. one thing led to another, we had a long and contensous phone call that ended with me saying i'm not moving out. She replied that she wants a divorce now and she just texted me that she is going to move to her dads ASAP. She stated over and over that we are done and there is no changing that. She dosen't love me and has not for a long time. This will destroy my kids. My daughter has said that she want's to stay with her mom. I don't really see how this could be helping my situation. WoW is my world falling apart. Thoughts?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think she did the classic script "fight-picking" with you, over something very minor.

You need to be firm (not "tough"), but on the BIG things, not $100 of a bill. Learn to operate not from a standpoint of "How will she react if I do/say this? Will she be angry? How will her reaction make ME feel?" and instead from one of "What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do if He were standing right here in front of me?"

And then let the chips fall where they may.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She went nuts. one thing led to another, we had a long and contensous phone call that ended with me saying i'm not moving out. She replied that she wants a divorce now and she just texted me that she is going to move to her dads ASAP. She stated over and over that we are done and there is no changing that. She dosen't love me and has not for a long time. This will destroy my kids. My daughter has said that she want's to stay with her mom.

Better:

1. She "goes nuts."

2. You say "I'm not going to have a conversation with you if you're going to shout at me, and be disrespectful. Let me know when you've calmed down, and are ready to discuss this like mature adults, and we can continue our conversation. I have to go (INSERT "GAL" ACTIVITY HERE)."

She laid a trap for you, and you fell right into it. It's classic affair "script" -- pick a fight over something minor, and then blame the entire marriage's problems (and half of Europe's and the Middle East, and the oil spill) on YOU.

Refuse to engage with her when she's rude or disrespectful. It takes two to have an argument.

Pupp

[Resilent]

Thanks pup. Since the phone conversation she has texted me vulgarities. A statement that since I paid for everything I could have it all. Another one said that since she is going to move to her dads the kids could come see her their. She must have rethought that one because she sent another one right after that that said I could have everything except the kids, because, "their mine to". My first response was that we should both back away from the edge and wait for emotions to calm down. I did send her another one that said that I had no interest in taking everything from her. I feel like I'm watching myself from outside my body. I can't belive this is happening.
Somewhere inside of this person is a really wonderful wife.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What about the keylogger idea?

[Resilent]

Just got back from another run. Its so hard to belive that she is cheating on me but reality can be harsh. Many people have proposed thatthat is the case. I don't know much about them. Dam another run. I'll be back