Have you ever read the resources in the MLC forum? Have you wondered if your H is in MLC? From how you have described him pre-OW and how he is now...I am wondering if maybe he is going thru a "life transition". Not that that in any way excuses his behaviour and actions to you and your marraige.
Just curious!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Hi NM, come to see you on your new thread. Very happy you told WH all those things. I can't believe you were so strong in your DBing to have kept them in all this time!! I kept nothing in with my WH, for better or worse.
How are you feeling today?
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
As for the school, just be straight up and tell them. No extra info needed.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I don't think your H is a "bad guy". I don't think my H is a "bad guy". I think they are both behaving badly. Very badly. I think they are both behaving in a selfish way. I am not sure it is up to anybody to judge who is "good or bad" at their core but it's not hard to see (you, me, any LBS really) when behavior suddenly shifts from "good" to "bad". I don't think my H or your H sits up at night thinking of ways to hurt us more. I do think they are so blinded by selfishness and weakness they simply can't see how destructive they are.
Affairs are very, very powerful things. I agree that our husbands are weak. Your H left when you got pregnant and my H left when I got sick. And neither of them were man enough to leave on their own accord... they both left once they knew they had a "backup" (OW) waiting in the wings.
Not that this makes it hurt any less because it doesn't. But I have to remind myself often of just how weak my H is.
Your H reminds me so much of mine with the "this is the hardest thing I have ever done" and "I am still not 100% certain" and my ALL TIME FAVORITE "I am just trying to be honest". LOL! Affairs and honestly don't usually go hand in hand.
My H for the first time in a long while is starting to contact me again via text, e-mail and now the postal mail with his "charming" ways. Again, it is another illustration of how terribly selfish a WAS can be. You are living with the woman you had an affair with while married to me yet somehow you think it is okay to keep contacting me. It shows ZERO regard for *my* feelings and really is only done so my H can feel better. Sort of like yours is doing.
While it is NOT easy I would just go about your business, don't allow him to linger when he comes in, regulate him to the entryway, be fabulous and really remove him from your life as much as you possibly can aside from issues with your son.
I have dated a few really great guys but after a few dates I always feel terribly conflicted and "not right" so I know I am not really ready. If you are ready then get out there! You will know what feels right or what doesn't.
... my ALL TIME FAVORITE "I am just trying to be honest". LOL! Affairs and honestly don't usually go hand in hand.
Oh cripes. This is my WH's fave line!
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Heard this on the radio today and although I have heard it a billion times before, its meaning is different in light of my current sitch (and several others who are going through this!)
The Supremes: Hanging On
Set me free why don't you, babe Get out my life why don't you, babe (Whooo-ooooh-ooh) You really don't want me You just keep me hangin' on You really need me You just keep me hangin' on
Why do you keep comin' around Playin' with my heart Why don't you get out of my life And let me try to make a new start Let me get over you The way you've gotten over me
Set me free why don't you, babe Get out my life why don't you, now (Whooo-ooooh-ooh) You really don't want me You just keep me hangin' on You really don't need me You just keep me hangin' on
You said when we broke up You just wanna be friends But how can we still be friends When seein' you only breaks my heart again And there ain't nothing I can do about it
You know I'm in love
(Set me free why don't you, babe) Talkin' 'bout love (Get out my life why don't you, babe) (Whooo-ooooh-ooh) You really don't want me You just keep me hangin' on You really don't need me You just keep me hangin' on Get out my life why don't you, babe (Whooo-ooooh-ooh) Get out my life why don't you, babe (Whooo-ooooh-ooh) Get out my life why don't you, babe (Whooo-ooooh-ooh) Get out my life why don't you, babe (Whooo-ooooh-ooh)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Timeheals, sorry that I snapped at you but for some reason the way you worded your first warning about dating on the rebound made it sound like I have no discernment and go after jerks like my stbxH...but your second post was much more tactful. thanks.
Citygirl-I am glad you understand that our Hs are being selfish and acting badly but are not evil (just like I hate to say that I know OW is not EVeeel but it makes me feel better to think she is). At this point, would you prefer to be divorced from your H instead of having to wait until November? Sorry to hear you have Lupus. I learned a little about that autoimmune disease when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I hope you have some good treatment/management in place to help you!
And no worries about staying in the doorway with stbxh! He has to use the bathroom but next week, he can probably hold it for the 20 minutes it will take for him to go "home." I will have no qualms explaining to him that I need him to just stay at the door.
Piano, BD and Gatsby- thanks for checking on me still on my thread over here! I am hanging in there but have realized I need to slooooow down my expectations big time. What I mean is that I truly have to go back to the way I was earlier in this ordeal (when in limbo) where I focused on getting through the day.
It's like "today I will do this with S, make this for lunch and dinner, and do some laundry." I am not going to busy myself too much with filling my social calendar. One activity per week is enough at this time. Need to focus on "healing and dealing" with my reality.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
CW- you know, I have wondered if my stbxh is going through an MLC. This stood out to me when I read about it before, but I have to say my ztbxh's parents (mom and stepdad) didn't abuse him and they weren't alcoholics....they just were poor, stressed, hard working, very very religious. His parents divorced when he was 3 or 4. HIs mom moved to a different state so he only saw his dad in the summers for many years. :
Generally the man/woman in crisis has had a terrible childhood. Their childhoods consisted of parents that fought, drank, did drugs, physically and mentally abused their children, emotionally distanced themselves from their children, but most of all abandoned their children.
The more I read about the various "learned" personality traits, the more I'm convinced that as children they were mentally abused to the point of not believing in themselves at all. They felt dirty, unwanted, stupid, worthless, their self esteem was shot to hell. The parents had these children, but really didn't love them unconditionally. Most of the "crisis" children have ADHD, ADD, PA, BPD traits. They suffer from bouts of depression, are very good at lying, picking fights, defensive, and tend to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, sex and spending.
As I've listened to my friend, I've come to realize that even though "crisis" children appear normal on the outside, they have a constant internal war going on inside of themselves. They have been damaged beyond repair at that young age and it will take many years for them to even feel safe w/another person, if then. They feel very threatened by anyone that comes near them emotionally and physically. They can't handle it because they fear that this person will hurt them or take away whatever it is that they hold near and dear in their lives.
As the "crisis" child grows up, he/she tends to be a loner, stays to him/herself and doesn't trust anyone to enter their safety zone. They tend to not show their emotions except in bouts of anger and are very guarded about their thoughts and feelings. They tend to distance themselves from others. I call this the dance, because when a person gets close to the "crisis" individual, he/she will distance enough to not feel threatened.
You the spouse will never know the real person that lives within the "crisis" person until the two personalities are merged into one. The person you know is actually the shell of a person and he/she is very good at masking what he/she is really thinking at all times.
However, during the major growing times, i.e., 20's, 30, and 40's (mid-life especially), the "crisis" person has another problem. It's at this time that the "crisis" child is starting to raise its ugly head, becomes stronger and wants to voice it's opinions on how that person was mistreated as a child.
It's at this time, that the splintering/splitting occurs. This where the crisis child is doing internal battle with the crisis adult. The battle is a 24/7 emotional roller coaster for the adult. The pain, hurt and anger are there 24/7 w/o any relief. I've sat and listened to my friend speak of many things that happened in his childhood and to hear the hurt and anguish in his voice makes me want to cry for him. It is at this time when the emotional pain becomes so great that the adult can't handle any other stress in his/her life.
This person doesn't trust the spouse enough to speak about the turmoil inside. They feel that the spouse will not accept them for who they are right at this moment. Why? Because that person has now entered mlc and will be there for a while. That person knows that something is terribly wrong and knows that he/she must leave in order to heal those long ago hurts.
If you recall, as children, when we were scared or punished, we all wanted to run away. Remember those times? Well, this is what is happening to your mlcer. They are very scared and very hurt and they only thing that they know how to do is run, as the "crisis" child comes on the scene. The best thing that this person can do for himself/herself is to go see their parents, sit down and actually talk to their parents about how they perceived their childhood and tell the parents just how hurt and angry they are for how they were mistreated. If they don't do this, it will take longer for them to heal.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Last night I went with my friend and had some really good Mexican food- they marinate and grill their meat and it was just so delicious! I had a pomegranate margarita (not that great) and a couple of beers later...I wasn't driving! We just had deja vous of me being single before, spending a night out with her while her H watched the kids! Full circle....strange! But we had fun. After, we went back and just relaxed watching Shutter Island which was a terrible movie! Martin Scorcese directed it? I am shocked!
I told my friend that I will never be able to convince myself that stbxh is a bad person. She said she was just really angry and didn't mean it...she just "pities" him.
What finally came to my head is that I believe he is sabatoging his life! But "there ain't nuthin' I can do about it!"
She asked me about dating...I told her that it is a rollercoaster that one day I think it will help me numb the pain and the next day, the thought of cuddling with a different man on the couch or being intimate makes me feel claustrophobic! She suddenly shuddered and said "I can't imagine being with anyone else except my H. I know what you are talking about!"
We discussed how this emotional bond that we make with our spouses is sooo strong! And I said I don't get how I feel so strong when we weren't married that long. She said that having a child with someone tends to intensify your attachment. I wonder if WN has read anything about this in Helen Fisher?
So I don't want any pressure to move on although it would feel so good if stbxh thought I was dating!!!! But I am just going to go into my cocoon and do my best to detach, damnit!!!
Ok one more thing: this is the email I am going to send to my BUNCO group (made of teachers that I work with):
subject: divorce
Hi ladies, I am sorry to say that stbxh and I are getting a divorce. I will be keeping my last name but changing to Ms. We have shared custody of S.
I hope you all have a relaxing and fun summer and I can't wait to return to work with you in the fall! Take care,
Newmama
What do you think?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
